A Public Private Space

Wobbling along...

2009-09-30T23:50:00.002-04:00

Nopes. Bloggie not broken. I eated it.

Okay - I didn't eat the blog, but my dogs did eat my black pumps. My favorite black pumps. The sensible black pumps that matched with everything. The ones I could actually walk in instead of the ones to which my poor soles have been relegated.

I am re-learning how to wobble, erm, I mean walk. I use to walk all over the place in these things ... these things that are called shoes but are really an ancient form of torture disguised as fashion - which in this case are out of fashion anyway.

Am I making sense?

It's late.

On her blog my friend wrote about her "jimmy legs" - itchy twitchy keep-you-awake-until- you-wanna-yell kind of thing. I could relate, perhaps too well, because my legs felt sympathy itchy twitchies. Didn't know legs had empathy.

Okay - this is crazy talk. But it's okay. I can do that here because my boss doesn't read this. She does read facebook.

Tomorrow I'm wearing my runners. And I'll be sure to securely close the closet door when I put my shoes away at night. The household critters will have to settle for eating socks out of the laundry, the couch and.... alas.... poor Tinkerbell.

Couch Fixed

2009-08-07T08:34:00.003-04:00

Hai!

I iz on da blog!

I sneeked in and got on da puter to blog to u. Wen i iz finushed i mite eat da mouse. Mousez not just for catz.

Mommy cleened da up... uphol... da holsertie... you know - da couch. She said she hadz to do it cuz me and my sister got into da garbage and put it all over da couch. Mommy said it smellz bad.

Mommy putted shampooz on da couch to cleenz it. Da shampooz smellz funnie.

Iz okai tho.

I fixeded it.

I frowed up on it.

Den me and my sister rolled in it.

Smellz good now.

oh ya, and I frowed up on Mommy's pillow too so she can have good smellz.

Oops... i gotz to go - i thinkz i hearz the mailman!

Mothered

2009-08-02T21:45:00.003-04:00

I got mothered this weekend and loved it.

I went to see my friend, L, on Friday night. The purpose of the visit was so that we could pray together for the church and our people. First we were going to have dinner together.

We did eat together - she cooked and I helped. And I talked my head off. She listened a lot. There were moments of teaching, like when she explained that I should save dirty napkins to use to wipe the grease out of pans so that I don't have to waste paper towels. I smiled and stored that in my memory bank. (One never knows when such tidbits will come in handy.)

We did pray together, after I talked my head off even more and she let me. Then she went into her freezer and started pulling out stuff... some bread, butter, a ham.. and gave it to me. This woman is not rich (financially anyway) and she was giving me things. I stood and watched her.

I said, "You are mothering me."

She looked up at me and smiled. "Yes. But you like it."

I smiled back and said, "I love it." And that is true. Before I left she gave me a big hug.

Today at church Pastor R's wife gave me a big squishy hug. She's never done that before. (Mind you, I don't let a lot of people get too near me). Again I felt mothered (shhh... don't tell her... I'm not sure that she's old enough to be motherly to a person my age...) and I loved that hug from her. Then she and Pastor R took me to lunch with them and I felt taken care of again.

I suppose I could have gone without these things. After all, I've gone without for so long... but these people gave this and it was good for me and I am grateful.

Psalm for Tonight

2009-07-30T20:12:00.003-04:00

The lawnmower is not fixed and no money miraculously appeared.

No new clients. No new job.

Buried in bills and stress.

No open doors - or so it would appear.

But there is one. There is an open door.

Jesus.

The way.

The truth.

Life.

Love.

I can cry and squirm under this unbearable weight...

Or I can look at Him. And praise Him. And thank Him for what I have at this moment.

At the end of my last post (just a couple of hours ago) I said "God is still good". That is true.

This is the psalm I'm hanging onto tonight (the empasis/bolding is mine):

Psalm 138 (NIV)

I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart;

before the "gods" I will sing your praise.

I will bow down toward your holy temple

and will praise your name

for your love and your faithfulness,

for you have exalted above all things

your name and your word.

When I called, you answered me;

you made me bold and stouthearted.

May all the kings of the earth praise you, O Lord,

when they hear the words of your mouth.

May they sing of the ways of the Lord,

for the glory of the Lord is great.

Though the Lord is on high, he looks upon the lowly,

but the proud he knows from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,

with your right hand you save me.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O Lord, endures forever -

do not abandon the works of your hands.

The Lawnmower Saga

2009-07-30T18:17:00.003-04:00

My lawn mower kept breaking. It finally went kaput big time and I can't afford to get it fixed.

I was using the weedeater. That is until I over-used it and it caught on fire. So no more weedeater.

A friend lent me a lawn mower. The lawn mower she lent to me had been lent to her. Her lending this to me had been a surprise and I was very grateful. I've been able to keep the grass cut. Yay!

Tonight I took this electric lawn mower of hers out front and started mowing the lawn. Suddenly there was a bang and a whole lot of smoke.

No, I didn't run over anything.

No, I don't think the grass was too long.

The lawn mower is kaput - and it's not mine.

How am I going to buy this woman a new lawn mower when I can't even pay my hydro and phone bills... any bills?

And how am I going to keep the grass cut so that the neighbours don't get upset and the city doesn't fine me?

The Bible does say in Malachi that God would rebuke the devourer. I didn't think that meant the grass devourer.

Before I went out there to cut the grass I'd been feeling quite discouraged. I thought that perhaps doing something constructive, getting something accomplished would make me feel better.

So should I sit in my flooded basement or outside in my yard that looks terrible? Hey, maybe if I start building an ark in my front yard it will distract people from the poor appearance of the lawn and garden.

Sheesh. I should have gone for a run instead.

God is still good.

Not Quittin'

2009-07-23T20:11:00.002-04:00

I'm not quittin'.

In spite of what the circumstances look like on the outside, in spite of what some people might think, God hasn't quit on me.

If He's not quittin' on me, then I'm not quittin' on Him.

He's got my back, so I'm goin' forward.

(Hey... I didn't say where I'm going forward TO, 'cause I dunno, but I'll just keep going and trust He'll stop me from going over a cliff or something.)

Choosing to Laugh Instead

2009-07-23T16:55:00.005-04:00

Tough times... hard to suck it up every day...

No answers. Impossible situation. Nothing I can do. Pulling the covers over my head and waiting for the train to run over me is an option. Stopping the train is not something that is within my power.

I'm choosing to find something to laugh about while God does whatever it is that He's going to do.

Flying

2009-07-15T20:04:00.002-04:00

My legs were killin' me today. Still, I knew I had to go out running again. So I did.

So I run about 5 feet and I'm tired already.

What the heck is that?! Sheesh!

Of course, I keep going. Down to the water again.

I pass by some fishermen.

I'm tired; Thinking about just walking for awhile.

Then a little boy comes from out of nowhere. He runs in front of me, grins at me, and starts running alongside of me. I can't help but smile.

I say to him, "Are you racing me?"

He says nothing, just gives me this gigantic smile and runs just ahead of me for a moment or two before veering off and going back.

Man, my legs are very sore.

I pass by a guy on a scooter. He's disabled. He's smoking a cigarette. He looks weary. I'm suddenly grateful for my sore legs.

Running harder now, praise in my heart...

Jesus loves me and I'm alive.

Pouring it on, drenched in sweat, eyes burning...

I can fly.

I run.

Wind in my hair.

I can fly.

On wings like eagles

I am flying.

Jesus will take me all the way.

He'll take me across.

He'll never leave me nor forsake me.

Breath-taking

2009-07-13T21:32:00.004-04:00

Wow. It's been a loonng time since my last post. I wasn't sure if I'd be back. So much has happened.... There's no way I can catch up, so I might as well just begin with today.

I've been feeling like God wants me to get physically strong again. I've been meaning to exercise... Yep. I'll be obedient - later. Guess I'm no different from other kids. Lucky for me that God is a forgiving and patient Father.

So I went running tonight.

Hey... am I not supposed to feel really good? You know, energized and all that? hmmm.. So when is that supposed to happen?

I'm grateful that I can run at all. My legs work. My lungs work. The place where I live is much safer than other places in this world. I even have decent shoes and everyone who runs knows that decent shoes are necessary to prevent injury.

I ran. One block... then another... getting tired already after only two blocks.... c'mon, push it.

I could smell cigarette smoke. I could smell green.

Yeah, I said green.

You know... like leaves and grass and things.

Sneezed a couple of times.

I ran down to the water. The sun was getting low in the sky. I thanked God for His glory, for His masterful artistry. Between the colours in the sky, reflections on the water, animals, flora... beautiful. And this is but one scene on one day in one place in this vast universe and infinite time. His creativity is endless.

Oh... I forgot that I was running, forgot to get tired. I was too busy having my breath being taken away to lose my breath.

As I ran up a hill I spotted a little boy. His back was to me and he was pushing his bike up the hill. His bike that was bigger than him, with the training wheels... The little guy's helmet seemed huge on top of his little body.

As I approached I prayed silently, "God bless this little boy. Please bless his life."

As I passed the child I glanced over at him. He looked up from his chore of pushing that bike. I saw in his hand a flower.

And I loved him.

Nervous

2008-08-01T08:47:00.002-04:00

If anyone gets to this post this morning, prayers would be very helpful.

I've got to testify today and the lawyer on the other side has already said he will be cross-examining me vigorously. He's already playing dirty pool. He told another lawyer that the reason I'm doing this case is because I'm dating the lawyer. Well that's simply not true! I'm not dating the lawyer and who the lawyer is has nothing to do with why I took this case.

So, he's going to make it personal. He's going to attack me personally in public, on the record.

The only thing I have right now is a faith that God will take care of things regardless of what happens today. I pray for His will. I pray that this man doesn't hurt me badly, that this boy who is in jail gets a fair hearing, that I reflect Christ in my answers and demeanor.

God help me today.

Enough

2008-07-20T21:27:00.003-04:00

I quit the night job. I still have to work both jobs for the next two weeks.

I've learned that my limit for severe sleep deprivation, overwork and loneliness is seven months.

Now I'm worse off than when I started and I'm not well on top of it.

.

Dread

2008-07-19T10:28:00.002-04:00

Picked up a new case last night. This is a huge opportunity and may well be the breakthrough I need.

But it requires time and a lot of my energy.

I'm happy to give that. I don't know how much I have to give, though because this night job is sucking the life out of me. Not to mention the lack of time.

I want to cry.

Every single day, I dread going in to the night job. I'm tired from the day job and know I still have to go put in another full workday at a place I hate doing a job I despise, every day feeling the negative effects on my physical and mental health.

I can't go to church. I can't see my family. I have trouble making plans to do anything with anybody, so people just stop bothering to try - and I completely understand (I've stopped trying, too, for the most part). My house is a mess, and I still can't pay the bills.

What's the point?

I want so much to simply not show up tonight. To heck with them.

The problem is that the "them" are real human beings who would have a really tough time if I didn't show up. I can't do it to them.

But I'm getting to my breaking point.

I just cannot keep on like this.

God, please lift me out of this mess. I can't do any more. My body cannot take anymore.

I need out of that night job and I need clients who can and do pay for the services provided them.

Prayers would be appreciated.

Wave Jumping....

2008-07-17T21:17:00.003-04:00

.... and I need a babysitter

Had an errand to run near Simcoe Ont. today. The only way I know to get there is to drive near the water (Lake Erie).

I love the water.

I love the beach.

Even looking at it makes me feel happy.

Okay, so I have this errand to run and it's very very hot, but at least I get to look at the lake.

Well.

I saw the lake and HAD to go down there.

When I got there I HAD to park the car and walk to the water.

Well...

I got so excited I HAD to go into the water.

It was warm and the waves were high.

In the trunk of my car I carry beach supplies for just such an occasion. Now I know you're thinking it's really that I never clean my car and the supplies are there from the last trip to the beach... :) I ran back to the car and got my little floaty thing. I think it's called a swimming board or a flutter board, but I call it a floaty thing.

I digress.

Back into the water. Oh yeah!

Gotta jump over each wave.

Gotta see how far out you can go and still touch bottom.

Gotta relish every sight, sound, smell and sensation.

Gotta run toward the next wave.

Woohoo! I'm a fish!

no, wait... I'm a turtle!

no... I'm a frog!

no.... I'm not even doggie paddling here.

You see, I love the water but I can't swim.

Okay, so I'm no fish but I'm in the water at the beach! Yaaaaaay!

I was grinning and laughing like a little kid.

Jumping over and into waves, playing in the water.

A grown woman all by herself.

But who cares! I'm at the BEACH, man! Yes!

Paddle out to the next wave, and the next.

Oooh... here comes a big one ... haha!

I can't touch bottom any more, but it's okay 'cause I have my floaty thing.

Suddenly I notice it's quiet except for the waves.

I look around.

I'm waaay out there. The people are far away. I've gone past the boardwalk and the lighthouse. There's a commercial fishing boat within paddling distance.

oops.

There would be big fish out here.

Would they bite me?

Naw.

Heyyyy.... I'm swimmin' with the big fish.

Okay, better go back.

Hey... wonder how long it would take to get to shore if I didn't paddle or kick? Where would the waves take me?

I got back to shore only to turn around and do it again (only this time I didn't go so far out)

and again

and my fingers and toes went all wrinkly like prunes

and there is sand everywhere

and I got a bit of a burn (after I recently told someone I don't burn -ha!)

and I scraped my leg on the bottom of the lake (decided to try to jump UNDER the waves for a while to see what would happen)

I bought a hotdog, which was stupidly expensive - but I did buy it.

And it was all wonderful.

.

Outside

2008-07-17T02:51:00.002-04:00

Didn't get to go out and play today.

But I'm going to try tomorrow.

I like outside.

In honour of going outside, here's a little video from Mr. Pregnant about going outside:

Inside

2008-07-16T13:23:00.000-04:00

Having trouble staying inside the office.

I want to go out and play.

4am

2008-07-14T03:53:00.001-04:00

4am

so tired

gotta get up soon

endless work-weeks

doing everything i can think of

why does it work for other people but not me?

Jumpy and Mad

2008-07-11T20:51:00.003-04:00

Was stressed today.

The events of last night and the things he said kept going through my mind. I was jumpy. I was upset, angry, nervous.

He said he thought it was unfair that I'd asked the police to tell him to go away. I told him it's because he wasn't listening to me tell him.

He argued that by saying I wasn't telling him the truth about my feelings, that I wasn't being clear enough.

Last night I didn't argue because he was tense and I know he could have killed me very quickly or hurt me very badly had he decided to do so. I wasn't going to get into a pissing contest with a control freak who doesn't want to understand anyway.

So I kept thinking about that and I'm angry that he could have the gall to say that like he believes it. My "no" started out as a polite, gentle one, then got more firm, then became absolute and strong before I ever called the police.

Okay, okay... maybe this guy with two degrees who is senior management in government is too stupid to figure out that "leave me alone", "stop calling me", "stop driving by here", "you are scaring me", "I don't want to talk to you", and "stay the f**k away from me you f**king freak!" means that maybe I don't really want to talk to him.

But when the police come to his door and tell him he'll be charged if he keeps it up.... well, shouldn't that be a clue right there?

Or how about when, after he continued and he was arrested, and immediately upon getting released with bail conditions, he shows up at my best friend's house - and my friend tells him to stop. That's a clue, right?

Or when his boss, his friend, his sister and a therapist all told him to stay away from me (he repeatedly called anyway) - isn't that "no"?

But it's all my fault. I wasn't clear enough. None of those things are clear enough.

Oh, and the only reason he came pounding on my door one of the times I called 911 was because he'd heard I was seeing someone else and he was just coming to tell me that he would leave me alone.

I suppose he was so eager to reassure me that it's the reason he had to pound the crap outta my door and try the handle in the middle of the night.

And it really was all innocent - so that's why he ran when the police sirens got close - 'cause he was doing nothing wrong.

So my "no" wasn't good enough on it's own? It's only when some other male owns me that "no" means anything? Oopps... yeah - I forgot. I'm not a human being.

Oh, I'm spittin' mad.

Conversation With A Stalker

2008-07-10T21:59:00.002-04:00

As you know, a particular man has been stalking me for six years. I've worked hard to keep myself safe. The courts failed me - actually made matters worse - so I've had to rely on myself.

I went to great lengths to change the appearance of the house so it looked like someone other than me was living here.

I stopped going to all of my favorite places.

I've developed the habit of peeking out the window before I leave the house, to make sure he's not out there watching.

I shred all documents and am very careful about what goes in my garbage.

I stopped sitting out on the porch at night which is something I use to enjoy.

I stopped rollerblading and jogging.

I cut off contact with a whole lot of people.

I've got my windows frosted so no one can see in.

I do not use my living room or dining room after dark.

The list goes on and on.

Tonight I let my guard down.

I was out front working on the lawn.

Guess who showed up.

Yep.

The stalker.

Scared me half out of my wits.

Luckily for me my training kicked in at about the same time my adrenaline shot through my body, making it hard to think or even breathe.

He approached me and said hello.

It's amazing how fast your brain can scan and size up a whole lot of information.

I believed he was not there for me - not there to kill me.

I did something I would never recommend to anyone else, but because I was able to size up the situation myself, I said hello back.

He started talking to me. He was being polite, cautiously friendly.

You know, when the body kicks into high gear and you've got all those chemicals surging through you, your heart rate is up, your blood racing to your major muscle groups, and all the other physiological things that occur to help you survive, but you don't do anything with it, don't run, don't fight... and that stuff has nowhere to go, it actually hurts.

I had a conversation with him.

He still doesn't understand what the big problem is, why I had to call the police on him so many times....

But he's decided not to kill me.

Time will tell if this incident was a good thing or a bad thing.

If something happens to me, if I have an accident, go missing, end up dead, somebody please show the police this post. They already have his name and the history on file.

Not Asking For Happiness

2008-07-10T02:26:00.002-04:00

By the end of the day workday (before I started the night job) I was feeling pretty tired and had had enough of people. I recognized that I was feeling crusty enough that any flaws I saw in others would be magnified - by my own mind. Not fair to others, so I thought I'd pray about it.

Funny, though... I didn't ask God to change my mood. I didn't ask for extra energy or less fatigue. I didn't ask for happiness.

It didn't occur to me to ask for those things.

I asked that He would allow me to see people through His eyes.

I do believe He gave me what I asked for.

Immediately, every person I saw became a real individual - not a nameless face driving a car or grumbling to themselves or whatever. It wasn't like I could read their minds or anything... but like I could see through.

Then there was something else... something further, deeper.

And there was feeling accompanying this... I don't know how to describe it.

And what I saw wasn't necessarily good, either.

It was very powerful. God has done this for me before.

My mood changed. We all know that happens when we're not focussed on only ourselves.

And tonight there was a breakthrough with the Wayward Manager. I give all the credit to God.

The Weight

2008-06-27T22:12:00.004-04:00

The event last night went well. There weren't as many people as I wanted to see out, but it was still a good showing and the security aspect of things went well, too.

I met a man there who told me he was once a Christian. We talked for a while and he said that the breaking point for him was when he loved Jesus with all that he had. He loved Christ so much that he wanted to be just like Him. His aspiration was to love people the way Christ loved people. He wanted to strive and dedicate his life to becoming as much like Christ as he possibly could.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Well, some people told him he shouldn't try to be like Christ because he was doomed to failure. They felt it was very wrong for him to even try.

The man was so confused and disheartened by this... and it was the last straw on the pile of straws of judgments, rules and discouragements.

So, the man decided that he couldn't help but believe in God, that he believes wholeheartedly in God, but he refuses to define God by any specific religion. Of course, this leads to more judgment heaped on him.

I've found myself praying for this man over and over. My heart feels sad and heavy for him.

People can overcome much adversity and pass many tests, but so many of these people are also crushed under the weight of the judgments of others.

... sad and unnecessary I think.

Fake Nails, People and a Bug

2008-06-25T00:07:00.003-04:00

Life has been busy and the time is just zooming by. When I'm not working I'm either trying to sleep or doing housework or trying to get some work done outside. Being outside seems to be good for my mental health.

Haven't heard anything back re that job I applied for, but I didn't expect to hear back this soon anyway.

We have a big event on Thursday night. I'm the M.C. and of course I woke up this morning with a gigantic zit on my chin.

How is this fair?

Really...

Zits AND wrinkles?! What's that! Sheesh!

I had to re-cert on my first aid and CPR this weekend. Even at the end there were a number of people there who I wouldn't want within ten feet of me if I had a papercut.

While I was there I looked around at everyone and thought that I really love people. I prayed for God's blessing on each one of them.

Yes, I love people.

While I was there I looked around and thought that a lot of those people were so annoying that I wanted to yell at them to shut up.

Yes, people drive me crazy and I think I'm anti-social.

Upon further reflection I realized that none of them meant any harm. I think most people don't have evil or malice in their hearts when they do things that end up hurting others. Being stupid, ignorant, tactless, and making mistakes is not the same thing as intending harm or not caring about whether or not you're harming someone.

At least this is what I want to think, anyway.

I was stressing because I need a camera for this event on Thursday and I really should have a camera for work since we frequently need one. I figured I'd have to buy one and put it on my credit card; I'm trying to avoid using credit.

While rummaging through a closet looking for something else I came upon a stack of "reward dollars" for the camera store. Serendipitous. There was enough there that I got a new camera for forty bucks (which I still had to put on the credit card).

So tonight I went camera crazy, taking pictures of everything. As soon as I find time to figure out how the software works, I'll upload and post some new pics of the doggies and some other things.

I've been eating strawberries from my garden. Even considering what's lost to bugs (I don't use any chemicals) and other critters (racoons I think; I find strawberries all over the place in the mornings), I've had plenty. I'm grateful for that.

I'm allergic to the green part of the strawberry but not the fruit itself. So picking them and hulling them causes hives... but eating them causes happiness. :)

I've decided that the term "girl crazy" should be a real diagnosis. My son has a girlfriend. It seems that when he has a girlfriend his brains fall out and he forgets he has a life he's supposed to lead. *sigh*

Since my once lovely nails have mutated into these jagged things that sit on some old woman's hands which have been magically attached to my wrists for some strange reason, I thought I'd look at the possibility of artificial nails just for this event Thursday. I explored, looked, discussed and got professional advice. I looked at the fake nails and they look.... well... fake. I'm told they are beautiful and that they will make my hands look great, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I know lots of women wear them, but... I dunno... I just wouldn't feel comfortable and I know it.

****

Hey... You know what just happened?

I was sitting here, just about to say something immensely profound.. really! (smirk)... when I saw a spider crawling on the floor next to my desk.

I stood on the desk, eyes riveted on the arachnid monster, contemplating what to do. I leapt about three feet, hoping I could jump further than my diminutive opponent.

Yep... made it.

Race upstairs... gotta hurry or I'll lose him and then I won't be able to go downstairs again...

Grabbed the "Spider Blaster" bug spray... race back downstairs

and...

*gasp*

he's gone!

So, I hunted... using a broken baseboard (about 4 ft long) to move things.

Once the monster was revealed I took aim...

and blast!

He ran.

I blasted again.

I had to watch him die. Not that I like that, but I couldn't lose sight of him again and risk having him come back.

Then I used a big old rag to pick him up (can't use something as flimsy as toilet paper, you know).

As a preventative measure, I decided to spray the windowsill so his buddies wouldn't try to come in here, too.

Forgot the window was open.

The wind blew the spider blaster back in my face.

There. .... I got my aerobic exercise and killed a monster all in one night.

Yep - kinda like "Ernest Kills a Bug"

Peonies and Dogs

2008-06-10T03:24:00.000-04:00

Here it is almost 3am and I don't need to be up but I am. I've learned that on the first night I have off from the night job, my body doesn't believe it's allowed to rest. It's not until the second night that I can get sleep - no matter how tired I am. Lately the restaurant has scheduled me so that I never get two nights off in a row, which means I do not get even one night sleep.

Every day I want to quit.

Was sick all day today, so that's not helping my productivity. Still feeling sick tonight.

On a different note, though, I'm happy the warm weather is here.

The peonies in my yard bloomed and, because I can't be out there to enjoy them, I cut them and brought them inside. They have filled a large vase and provide a burst of beauty and fragrance in here.

I keep sniffing them. I keep touching them. They are so soft. Who else but God could come up with something like a peony! I look at all the little details in the leaves, the stems, the petals, the pistols and stamens. Even something as simple as a plant is really something.

I look at my dogs like that. I watch them and appreciate every small detail. Nita has one crooked tooth in her lower jaw. I know every hair (or so it seems), every bit of colouring, their eyelashes and whiskers, the tufts of fur between the pads of their paws. I watch them breathe and think about the life that God has breathed into them.

Isn't it something? Isn't it special? I think all of these things are amazing. Who but God could even imagine something like a dog and then create it - and create each one differently.

And there's nothing like being greeted by wagging tails! I see them watching me through the window as I come up the driveway. They run to the back door to greet me. It's unconditional love (or maybe they merely recognize I'm the one who feeds them, but if that's the case please just let me have my illusion).

*****

When I see the back or side of a man's neck, I think of my son. Weird, isn't it.

I was wondering why that was and realized it's because for years I've looked at my son the same way I look at dogs and peonies and grass and everything else living. But, you see, I can't stare at him and examine him while he's watching me 'cause it would feel uncomfortable for him. So, I look at him when he's not looking, which means I'm often looking at him from the side or back, thus seeing the side or back of his neck as part of that perspective.

That boy drives me crazy in so many ways, but I love him fiercely.

Us mothers are strange creatures, but it was probably important to the survival of humans, just as most maternal behaviours of other animals is important to the survival of those species.

There's a dead bumble bee on my windowsill. He's been there for a couple of days and is deteriorating. I haven't thrown him out because I want to examine him. But I don't know anyone with a microscope. Maybe that's a good thing.... I'd be playing with the darned thing all of the time (the microscope, not the bee).

Well... there's my rambling for the night. I'm going to take an anti-nausea pill and hopefully my bed won't feel like the Queen Mary or the Titanic.

The Point In Talking

2008-06-04T19:00:00.003-04:00

I've been sinking back into my shell.

More and more lately I've been keeping my feelings locked away tightly. I've become quiet again like I use to be.

I've been thinking, "What's the point in talking? There is no benefit to anyone therefore no point."

Oh, I'm "nice" enough and all, but not letting pieces of me out because I figure no one cares all that much anyway and it really doesn't make any difference.

I've also been wondering what the point is in trying. I've worked so hard and here I am in the same financial position as I started in. Some people do awful things and yet get rewarded while some of us try our best and get knocked down again and again.

Last night I was asking God why my best still wasn't good enough for Him. Yes, no one is good enough, but Christ came to fix that. So I was feeling like the rejected daughter again. I was never good enough for my own parents on earth so how could I think I could be good enough for God.

Feeling myself sinking into depression.... the urge to give up is powerful.... yet somewhere in here I know that I must make a choice, that I can choose to fight back. I don't know how, so I flail like a naked baby bird falling from its nest.

I noticed something I had in my dining room. It's the bible passage that says that if we ask for anything in Christ's name, the Father will do it.

I thought, "really? Is that true?"

I asked myself, "What do I believe?"

So I said a prayer. It was a weak prayer. Weak because I don't have much to put into anything. Weak because I keep getting knocked down anyway and I wonder what's the point in getting up.

So I said the prayer and nothing happened. I tried different ways to cope today. I thought about trying to reach out to someone and talk. But what's the point in talking?

This job opportunity I spoke of is a process that would take a year or more and I don't have that kind of time.

My son lost his job (not his fault, long story) and got into another car accident (this kid is a lousy driver, I think).

So, my weak little prayer went up in the midst of all the crap. Little me said something and who am I? There are earthquakes and floods and starvation and corruption going on and I'm sending up my weak little prayer in Christ's name.

That was this afternoon.

At five o'clock my friend stopped by. I haven't seen him in ages. I was glad for that. Even people like me get lonely, but it's not like I've had a lot of time to do anything about it and it's not like I saw any point in trying anyway.

My friend told me about another job opportunity. I wouldn't have to give up my calling and I would make FOUR TIMES the money I'm making at the restaurant.

That would solve a lot of problems. I also wouldn't have to work hours quite as crazy as what I'm doing now. That would mean opportunity to get to church at least sometimes and opportunity to see other human beings socially at least sometimes.

I'm going to apply tomorrow morning.

It occurred to me that I had prayed and both a friend and an opportunity literally knocked on my door.

So what's the point in talking? To tell what God has done. To say once again that Christ's name is the right one.

The Giant Bird

2008-05-20T09:23:00.002-04:00

If you read my last post, this one will make more sense.... at least I think it makes sense. :)

I dreamt that I opened the back door to let the dog out and was startled to see a giant bird standing at the door. It was the same bird that was killed yesterday. I felt a little afraid, but mostly sad and sorry for this giant bird at my door. The giant bird was carrying a suitcase.

The bird said, "I've come to stay."

I said, "Okay." But then I thought I shouldn't, so I said, "I'm sorry. You can't stay."

The bird stood there with his suitcase, expectantly waiting for me to let him in and give him permission to stay.

I said, "I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I feel terrible, but that does not mean you can move in here. You have to go where you belong now."

Then the bird went away.

When I awoke, I realized that I was not mad at the puppy at all; I was mad at me. I was upset with myself for not watching the puppy closely enough, for not paying attention to the warning squawks of the birds earlier, and for not being able to help or comfort the dying creature. I had projected that onto the puppy. It's not that I couldn't look at the puppy; It's that I couldn't look at myself.

The size of the bird in the dream was about my sadness over many things and the bird represents those things. Lately I've been stuffing a lot of feelings down in order to get through my days. I cannot afford the time to cry.

The bird wanted to move in. I had to tell him that he could not. That was a life decision, a cognitive processing decision, a spiritual decision and it was sad to tell the bird to go away. Still it was the right thing to do.

Okay... I'm probably making no sense to anyone, but it does make sense to me at least. :)

The Bird

2008-05-19T12:51:00.002-04:00

For the first time ever, I'm actually upset with the puppy.

These dogs have gotten into things, wrecked things, and created all sorts of chaos and some interesting situations.

When one of the dogs ate my $200 shoes that I hadn't even had a chance to wear once, I was briefly upset - I mean very brief, like a few minutes.

When they get into things and I have to clean it up, I'm upset for only seconds if I get upset at all. Mostly I just laugh at them.

Today I heard birds outside going crazy. I know it's a little odd, but I can recognize some of the different messages that the birds are conveying. No, no, not like Doctor Doolittle and nothing complex, but there's a kind of chirp they do when they're calling to a mate, a chirp that means the sun is setting soon and everyone flies back to their homes (I think that's where they're going, anyway), and a chirp that signals danger to other birds. The squirrels also send out a danger signal and the birds seem to pay attention to that, too.

Anyway, I heard that frantic chirping that signals danger. I looked outside and saw the puppy sniffing at something. There were birds swooping about around the puppy. I knew that the puppy was close to a baby or an egg.

As fast as I could, I ran outside. I saw a spot of red in the grass.

No, oh, no.

Then I saw it. A bloodied bird.

I felt horrible.

I put the dog in the house and went to see if the bird was alive or dead. It was alive. I didn't touch it. I went back into the house and waited because the other birds were still swooping around.

The bird wasn't getting up, so I thought I'd go see if I could help it. We've nursed birds back to health before - even ones where we were told there was no hope.

There was no way. It was really bad.

He was alive and alert despite the mortal injury. I thought I should euthanize him, but I didn't know how I would do it in a way that would be painless.

I wanted to hold him so he wouldn't be alone as he died, but that would scare him rather than comfort him. So I partially covered him to keep him warm (at least he wouldn't die feeling cold on top of everything, right?) Then I left him alone.

The birds around squawked for a long time.

I really was upset. I even cried.

Yeah, I know it's dumb to cry for a bird.

I thought about how God says not even a sparrow will fall without His permission. (Is it without His permission or just without His knowledge?) I was thinking that if I'm feeling a kind of love and a sense of sadness for this bird, God must feel something too because He loves the birds too, I think.

So the best I could do was pray for the bird and tell myself that God really would take care of it.

I look at the puppy and all I see is what she did to that bird. I know that animals do these things. I know it's natural. Still, I'm upset. So how crazy is that!

Snippets

2008-05-14T00:05:00.002-04:00

Psycho-guy quit work. He's gone into hiding because some bad drug-dealing dudes are after him. Rough stuff for him, but the fact that he quit is good news for a lot of other people.

The Wayward Manager is doing her best to make my time at work miserable. Sometimes it works, but mostly it doesn't.

God and the dogs and cats are keeping me sane.

I got my raise, which is good. But here's the rub - I'm still in exactly the same financial position I was in when I started this except now I'm working two jobs instead of one. The difference is that I don't have people in my house, which is good, but I don't have that income.

Requesting prayer: I want to apply for a different job. The process is onerous and the chance slim that I'll get it, but it would solve a lot of issues and I do think that prayer works and that what I'm going for is in line with what God wants from me.

Doctor's visit: The doc says my knee is healing okay. Another 4 weeks before it will feel better, but at least it's coming along. Also, I found out that I'm not getting nearly enough calcium. I was quite surprised at how short my diet falls.

Outside: I so enjoy being outside in the warm weather, even if I can only be out for short periods of time.

I managed to plant some beans. Normally, I would dig up the whole garden one day, prepare the soil the next day and then plant on the third day. The thing is I don't have a whole day. I haven't had a day off since... February? Anyway, I dug up and prepared a small section of garden and planted 8 bean plants. Hopefully I'll get time to plant some other things soon.

Was attacked by a raspberry plant. I survived the adventure and was reminded of it again at bedtime. Every time I laid my head down, it hurt. I kept looking at the pillow to see what in the heck was on it that was hurting my head.

Nothing.

Figured out that I had raspberry burrs in my hair.

Maybe that's why my mother made me brush my hair before bed. I never understood that... why brush your hair before bed? It's like putting on lipstick before bed. *shrug* Oh, well. :)

Too tired to think...

I should try to get some sleep. I have a meeting with a new client for the day job tomorrow and have to work at the night job as well. Then I might have court Thursday morning, then the night job... you know how it goes.

I have to change something but I don't know what and I don't know if I'd know how.

I Don't Dance

2008-05-02T02:25:00.002-04:00

The Wayward Manager gave me a hard time again all night tonight. It's become obvious that she feels threatened and wants to push me out. The only threat to her is herself.

One of the big bosses came to me to ask me a question. It wasn't a big deal. I answered the question and went back to what I was doing. The Wayward Manager pulled me aside and demanded to know what he'd asked me and what I'd said, word for word. Then she wanted to know if I was sure that's all he'd asked and that was all I'd said.

I wanted to tell her the sky was falling. Sheesh.

Another manager pulled me aside and told me that she is saying good things to the boss about me. She wants me to team up with her to help push the Wayward Manager out of there.

I just listened.

I'm not about to get into pushing anyone anywhere. Of course I won't be quiet if I see abuses or crime, but I'm not going to play games.

Yeah, yeah, I know... I know there's a dance, I know one should know how to do the dance, blah, blah...

My answer is this: I don't dance.

Even For Me?

2008-05-01T03:12:00.000-04:00

Tonight I had a cheeseburger loaded with vegetables (okay... and a few slices of bacon... mmmmm), a salad and an iced tea. Really I should have milk, but something about drinking milk with eating beef makes my stomach upset. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. :)

Psycho guy had a bit of a blow up. He has mini blow-ups all of the time, but this one was a little worse. This time he started yelling and swearing at a manager.

The Wayward Manager gave me a rough time tonight. I just shrugged it off, though. Really it's about her, not about me, so there's no point in getting upset and playing into her drama.

There is going to be an investigation. Apparently the Wayward Manager lost a significant amount of money. This is an example of why she should have been following procedure. It's a big deal.

There was a discussion tonight about security. I made it quite clear to the staff that I would not be budging off of protocol when it comes to security and, that no matter who argued with me or how much they hated me, I wasn't going to allow their safety to be compromised on my watch.

I expected the usual grumbling and excuse-making, but that didn't happen. Most of them just got quiet. A couple of them came to me and confided that they did not feel safe and were glad that I was interested in looking after their safety.

Someone commented that I could lose my job as manager if one of the staff got hurt. I told them that losing my job would be the last thing on my mind and that I would feel horrible if anything happened to any one of them.

One young fellow came to me and said, "For real you would feel bad?"

me: "Yes! Absolutely!"

him: "Even if it was me... even for me?"

Suddenly this young man who towered over me was a small and vulnerable little boy.

I looked straight into his eyes and said, "Yes, if it was you. Yes, for you."

I wanted to pick him up and hug him. Of course, I didn't because that would be inappropriate, not to mention totally creep him out. Besides, I don't think I could've lifted him anyway.

Funny... In my mind, heart and soul, that I would feel for someone who suffered (especially someone for whom I was responsible), is a given, obvious. For this young man it wasn't a given that I'd feel for him specifically. A lot of us do that with Jesus.

Even for me, Lord?

Yes, for you.

Free Food, Politics and Rambling

2008-04-25T01:03:00.002-04:00

Two nights in a row I've received free meals from the restaurant. I didn't know that becoming manager came with the perk of a 100% discount off of my meal. Wow! I've decided to stay away from the pop and fries, but there's lots of stuff there that is actually healthy (or at least not heart attack and diabetes on a plate). This means I am guaranteed at least one good meal a day as long as I work there.

Quite frustrated tonight... Since I started the night job I've noticed that their security is terrible. They don't even follow their own rules re security. I remarked about this on several occasions.

Then I put it in writing and gave it to the boss. I wrote what I noticed, what the policy is, the fact that the policy is good, and that it's not being followed. I expressed my concern and was specific. Then I asked if perhaps there was some great reason why these things weren't happening as they should and I just didn't know about the great reason.

The boss came to me, told me I was right, said that these things should not be happening and that she would deal with them.

They continue to happen.

I refuse to break the rules about security and the staff get really upset with me because sometimes it's inconvenient. I explained to them why I'm following the rules. A lot of them understand it. One manager remarked that she'd actually never really thought about it before. (Some of these infractions are VERY serious). Some of the staff do the same thing that drives me crazy at the day job, which is that they take the attitude of "It will never happen here".

Tonight I was trying to enforce a very important security rule and the staff decided they didn't have to listen to me because the Wayward Manager was present and she always lets them ignore the rule. I looked to the Wayward Manager for support and received none - in front of everyone.

I actually don't give a crap what they think of me; I do care that they follow those protocols so that serious harm does not befall them.

*sigh*

I have court tomorrow again. Awful case (you can read about it tomorrow on the work blog). Someone had the gall to tell me that if a prostitute gets raped that it's pretty much her own fault and that she deserves it. I was so angry that I couldn't even speak. Imagine that - me not talking! It's not that I had nothing to say; I had plenty to say. I just knew there was no point. I will however address the issue - and publicly. Someone else made a comment on the other blog (I haven't published that comment yet) that is also victim blaming garbage. It's just a matter of when I have time (and the energy to put together a coherent train of thought) to address it.

Been following the news re the FLDS compound in Texas. Prayers for those children and those who have been brainwashed (I use the term "brainwashed" very loosely).

Been finding that too much coffee bothers my stomach. I don't understand this. I use to be able to drink gallons of it, but cannot anymore. Three cups a day and I switch to decaffeinated tea. Probably better for me anyway.

Haven't had a chance to be outside. I miss outside.

Love my dogs. Every minute with them is a gift. :)

Had salad (free!) two days in a row. Have started taking multivitamins. Do they really do any good?

Better go to bed. 5:30 am comes awfully fast.

Home Early

2008-04-23T00:07:00.003-04:00

The Wayward Manager let me go home early tonight, so I can actually blog while I have my work uniform in the washer.

I've had no time.

People think that I make good use of my time because I'm always multi-tasking, don't idle, and work so many hours. I think that time is making use of me and not the other way around.

Injured my knee at work. It should be okay, but there's all sorts of paperwork to fill out and required doctor's visits.... like I have time for that.

All the tenants are gone from my house, but I'm still left with the damage. Now I don't have the rental income any more, but at least it's quiet here for a change.

The day job is going okay, except that I keep falling asleep at my desk - very bad.

I don't know how much longer my body will take this.

I feel fortunate to have really good friends, friends who don't get all upset with me because I don't have time for anything.

Thoughts of Carey (aka what's-his-name) are haunting me.

I'm still not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, which is writing. I'm doing it a little bit.

I'm bad for putting things off. "I'll have time tomorrow", I think. But tomorrow came and went and now I don't have time.

While trying to get my two hours sleep I had awful chest pains. It was bad enough that it scared me and I thought I'd better call for help, call 911. But I couldn't get up.

So I lay there thinking, "Is this how it ends? My boy will find me in the morning. What will happen to him? Someone will have to sort through all of my belongings. Who will take care of the dogs? Wonder what my pastors will say about me at my funeral. I didn't even get where I wanted to go...."

Obviously, everything was fine. I woke up a few hours later.

I must write this book, this one I was supposed to write two years ago and put off. But now how will I do it? With what time? Where am I going to get the money to live?

I complained to the boss again about getting out of work so late.

Psycho-guy is ticked off at me because I wouldn't let him into the back of the store when he wasn't scheduled. He's also mad because I refused to take care of that cat any longer. tick, tick, tick....

Well... I'm rambling. In spite of the fact I'm home early, I'm still very tired.

Nothing Like It

2008-04-12T11:42:00.002-04:00

My heart was beating too quickly; It was uncomfortable. The adrenaline surges kept coming.

Stress.

A physical response to stress.

I thought, "What am I thinking that is causing this?"

I thought, "Part of my brain is telling me to hurry up and get things done. Part of my brain is thinking that I won't be able to meet the mortgage payment in two weeks. Part of my brain is thinking a lot of different things - all legitimate but still all worrisome."

I thought, "What can I do about these things right now?"

The answer - nothing.

I thought, "Then I have to do something about this physical response. Simply not worrying is not a realistic solution. If I do something productive I can release some of this negative energy and get my brain focussed on something else."

Oh, but my body is so tired and sore. I have to be careful to use what little energy I have for work.

I glanced down and saw the puppy curled up at my feet.

Why am I not paying attention to my surroundings?

I thought, "I'm going to give this puppy my attention. She needs it and so do I."

I got right down beside her and pet her. I snuggled with her. I looked at her, noticing every detail about her, every little marking, muscle, whisker and eyelash. I thanked God for His creation. I thanked God for this little soul. I thanked God for that moment with her.

There's nothing in the world like snuggling with a puppy.

There's nothing in the world like snuggling with this particular puppy.

There's nothing in the world like taking a big breath of fresh air (even if it makes me sneeze after).

There's nothing in the world like that purple flower that's decided to take root in the middle of my vegetable garden and it's contrast of colour against the brown deadness of winter... it's symbolization of hope for sunnier times ahead.

There's nothing in the world like the chatter of your child - no matter what age.

There's nothing in the world like fresh clean sheets.

There's nothing in the world like a hot shower when your body is tired and grimey.

There's nothing in the world like a sunny day.

There's nothing in the world like a rainy day - especially when you are inside and appreciative of being warm and dry and home.

The list goes on and on....

Thank you, God for all of these things. Thank You for creating our brains in such a way that we have a choice to live in the moment or not, that we have memory so we can remember other good moments, other good things that You have given.

So, my tired and achy body is still giving me a stress response, but it's not as extreme. Still, I'm working through it. Still I recognize and experience much for which I am grateful.

Boring is fine by me

2008-04-10T07:12:00.002-04:00

Give enough rope....

People are starting to see that all is not as it seems with the psychopath. I haven't been saying much, just watching and being cautious. He's stealing and people are catching on. He's scamming - food, rides, attention, money "loans" - and people are starting to catch on. They are starting to talk to each other. The only thing I say to them is to be careful. Of course, they are not worried; They all know how to deal with people. Yeah - just like they all knew how not to get scammed.

tick, tick, tick....

I talked to the boss about security. There are lots of ways in which the staff are causing us to be a soft target for criminals. Security protocols aren't being followed. The staff know why the procedures are there, but they, like so many, believe nothing bad will ever happen to them. I try to explain, but I'm just paranoid and jaded.

The Wayward Manager is trying out some new games. They are not working so well for her, but she doesn't seem to have noticed that yet. It's too bad because she has a lot of potential; She has lots going for her and it gets buried in ego.

The other manager is trying to protect me. I've never asked for this protection, the alliance, but I sure do appreciate it.

So I've lost my rental income and the second job wasn't enough even with the rental income...

This is frustrating.

Still, I feel great joy when I am with my dogs.

Another unexpected positive - pretty soon I will get my raise that goes with the promotion. I was told that the pay rate was $1.25 above minimum wage. I found out last night that they will be giving me $2.25 above minimum wage. That's a big difference. That's still not nearly enough for me to pay the bills, but it's a whole dollar an hour more than what I expected.

Last night the boss told me, "You are my example. You are going to lead the other managers by the way you do things."

Nice compliment - Kinda scary, though. Yes I want to do a top notch job anyway; When other people put that kind of faith in me it ups the ante in my mind.

Hopeful things going on with the day job stuff. But I've been here before. I'm not going to get too excited about anything until I see actual results.

Depending on who is working Saturday night (therefore what time we close), I might just get to go to church this Sunday. We will see about that, too. But I don't have to work on Sunday for a change.

Really there's nothing exciting going on here. I think that's a good thing, though. Boring frees one up to be able to think about important stuff - like dogs and spring flowers.

Sleep!

2008-04-06T17:07:00.001-04:00

I got sleep on Friday night AND Saturday night! I worked day-shift on the second job, so I still had to get up at 5:30 am but at least I got to sleep two whole nights.

Wow!

After the first sleep, I felt better but still tired. After the second sleep, surprisingly, I REALLY did not want to go to work. I wanted to quit!

Strange reaction, don't you think?

I'm guessing that some part of my brain is saying "Why do this? Now you remember what it feels like to get a night's sleep. Why torture yourself again?"

Or maybe it's because having sleep contributes to a person's ability to be rational. And what rational person wants to do what I've been doing? Plus, being so sleep-deprived for so long... well, you sort of walk around like a zombie, just doing whatever is expected. Work here, do this task, then on to the next...

No, I didn't quit my job.

The male tenant was supposed to pick up his stuff yesterday. Two hours after he was supposed to show up, he called to say it would be another hour. Then it was going to be another two hours. I told him I was going to bed before that. I suggested that he come, load up the truck, and then if where he was keeping his things wasn't yet available, at least he would have it all loaded up and out of here. I told him to talk to his friend about it and call me back. I expected to hear back from him fairly shortly after that.

Nope.

I had just drifted off to sleep when the phone started ringing and ringing. No way I was getting up to have an argument with someone who obviously doesn't pay attention to anything I say anyway. I'd have become stressed and not got the sleep - and I think I deserve a decent night's sleep at this point.

Oh, by the way... this cold, mean, unreasonable person that I supposedly am, was awarded "Employee of the Month".

Yeah, I know, it's a dumb little thing. But still, I don't think they would have given me that if I was so horrible.

In spite of two nights sleep, I'm still awfully tired.

Updates

2008-04-04T12:46:00.005-04:00

Updates...

The male tenant is gone but his cat and his stuff are still here. He showed up here to find the locks had been changed and he rang the doorbell for an hour and kept banging on my kitchen window. He ended up punching the house a few times before he left. He also sent my son some crass sexually oriented messages about me. My son kept telling me to let the guy in and just talk to him in order to stop the escalation.

Well, given that I'd already repeatedly tried the talking to him route, that I wasn't going to give the guy what he wanted whether I opened the door or not, and given the kinds of messages he was texting to my son about me, the guy's attitude of doing whatever he wants regardless of anything I say, the incessant bell ringing and the angry punching the house, I believed that opening the door would have done nothing to de-escalate the situation and would simply reward his bad behaviour thereby reinforcing that behaviour. The guy knows how to phone me, write a letter, call the police if he truly feels he's right. Instead he chose an angry forceful route, communicating with physicality rather than words or reason. No. I knew better than to open the door.

I won't get into the full explanation about all that; You get the general idea.

The neighbour was sneaking around on the far side of my driveway two days ago. I went out to see if there was something wrong. It turns out he saw my son's car and thought it was the male tenant and was coming to check on me and was ready for a physical confrontation with this guy.

I thought that was exceptionally good of him to do that, to even think to do that. How many people would willingly put themselves in harm's way for a neighbour?

There are four people who think I did the right thing by changing the locks - my two pastors, my neighbour, and me. It seems that everyone else thinks I'm cold-hearted, cruel, mean, unfair, unreasonable.

I do not care. (Well, okay, yes it bugs me, but it's not going to change what I've decided to do here.)

People at work are asking about it. Very loudly, so as many people as possible could overhear (but without being actually disruptive or anything), I said that no matter what I did or didn't do somebody would think it's wrong; People criticize me for letting people get away with too much, but then when I say 'enough', 'no', they criticize me and say I'm mean or cold or unreasonable.

It's so easy to judge, isn't it.... so easy to criticize.

My son told me that I have changed. He said that there was a time when nothing upset me, when I never got upset or excited about anything. People use to use the word, "unflappable" to describe me. For the past couple of years I've been very different from that. I did not like hearing this from my boy, but he's right. I am exploring the reasons why, how, and making some conscious choices about where I'm going mentally and emotionally and how I'm going to get there.

One of the things Pastor R said to me was, "If it was some other lady saying this stuff [about the tenant situation] you'd be all over it!"

He was absolutely right.

I wrote to a friend of mine who has been in law enforcement for many years and who is also a volunteer firefighter. I asked him if he protects and advocates for himself as much or as strongly as he does for other people. His answer was that he does not and neither do so many other protectors. He also said that the worst ones, the ones who protect themselves the least, are the Christians.

Wow. Lots of implications there.

Then he said something else. He said that Christ said to love others as you love yourself. Jesus did NOT say love others instead of yourself.

Pastor R also pointed out that when Jesus was on the cross, the thief on one side of Him wanted help and received it. That thief went to paradise.

The other thief didn't want any help. So what did Jesus do? He didn't give it! He didn't say, 'oh please listen to me'. He let the guy make the choice. He let that guy go to hell.

I think that's powerful stuff. Lots of implications there, too, aren't there.

Back to work - I've been looking forward to this management position and hoping that the scheduling and less physically demanding work would allow me to go to church on Sundays (without having meltdowns in the pastor's office). They want me to work days every Sunday. I told them again that I really want to be able to go to church. The boss agreed (again), so we'll see what happens.

The psychopath continues to be passive-aggressive (and sometimes just aggressive) at work. He has hit me with brooms, handled scrub brushes and a squeegee. Of course it's all accidental, he says.

An accident is when you bump into someone; It's not accidental when you aim, then hit someone several times in rapid succession.

I've warned the managers and the senior boss about the guy. I've said I do not feel safe with him. I've said that they have to watch him and have to watch out for vulnerable staff. The guy is a ticking bomb and I've told them this. Whether they listen is another matter.

More is going to happen with all of this. I'm just glad that it is now much less likely to be happening in my own home.

tick, tick, tick, tick......

Enough

2008-04-02T07:11:00.003-04:00

don't even know what to say...

Too much has happened and I'm just so tired... and sick of all this.

Called Pastor R yesterday and he was a big help.

Thinking about lots of things - situations, people, right and wrong, trying to hear God's voice but can't always, looking at what's wrong with me, what I need to change about me.

How long can one tread water in the waves?

Tired of a lot of things.

It's enough already.

I've had enough.

Never Going In There Again!

2008-03-28T12:36:00.004-04:00

People at the night job think I'm this hugely strong, and even tough, person. My son adds to that perception by telling them stories about people being afraid of me. (That makes me laugh. I'm not a mean person, really!)

Their perception was strengthened when I took on the Wayward Manager. The perception was strengthened when I met with the senior boss expecting change (they are all afraid to do such a thing). I find that interesting since these are not all the result of "toughness" but action borne of other values and beliefs.

It was strengthened once again with an incident a couple of weeks ago. Some men came into the store just before close. They were eyeballing the cash register, the staff, the layout and the doors. They made a phone call and shortly thereafter there was a car sitting right at the door with the engine running - unusual in the first place, but more unusual because it was there for so long and the men seemed to have been communicating through the window with the driver.

They were really eyeballing us. I had a bad, creepy feeling about it. I know from experience and training to never ignore a bad creepy feeling. I thought about it and decided there were enough facts to take some minor action.

I went to the manager and pretty much ordered her to remove the cash drawer from the register and lock it in the office - right now. I don't know why, exactly, but she immediately complied without question.

About five minutes later another group of men came to the door, which was locked by that time. The men inside got up to go let them in.

The staff stood watching, finally curious and nervous. (I hadn't said anything to them.)

I went out and stood between the men and the door and told them they weren't letting anyone in.

They looked at me as though they were sizing me up, reading me. They decided to go sit down. They left shortly after and I made a point of being there to ensure they didn't let anyone in. They got into the car that had been running and it rolled away.

Afterwards, the other staff admitted they were afraid.

And so they think I have great courage (I don't think that what I did was courageous; It's not like anyone had a gun to me or anything).

So last night I was in the back room. We had received a big order of stock and it was also closing time. I noticed something moving across the floor.

It was a big, huge, humongous, mammoth, spider!!

Black, hairy, fast.

I screamed like a girl.

I did a little dance-on-the-spot whilst screaming like said girl.

The Wicked Step-sister came running. "What's going on?!"

Still dancing on the spot, unable to speak because my breath was taken up by a silent scream, I pointed to the monster.

Oh, she relished this situation!

She went and stood near the thing, watching it. She said, "Oh, he's a big one."

The manager came back to see what was happening. She sees me dancing on the spot and looks thoroughly confused.

She sees the spider.

Looks back at me (am now dancing on my tip-toes and not breathing).

A grin spread across her face.

She doesn't like the behemoth either, but wasn't gonna let me know that.

I screeched, "Well kill it for Pete's sake, kill it!"

Well, that was it. Now the manager couldn't breathe either - because she was laughing so hard! She was doubled over in laughter.

The Wicked Step-sister saved the day by stomping on the spider.

I was all grossed out. That's funny, too. I can see human brains on the road, horrific crime scenes and not bat an eye, but bug guts make my stomach turn over. What is that?!

They figured the monster came from the fruit or vegetable crates that were delivered and that it had ventured out of the walk-in fridge.

I said, "I'm never going into that walk-in again!"

They laughed.

I said, "I mean it! I'm asserting my right not to engage in unsafe work!" (I was joking at that point. Safe now, since Boris the spider was dead)

The manager doubled over in laughter again.

There's a scene in the movie "Sleepy Hollow" (Johnny Depp) where the guy comes to face the headless horseman and is crazily brave. But he sees a spider in his room and reacts with great fear. My son loves this scene and says that character is like me.

Day of Miscellaneous

2008-03-25T22:44:00.003-04:00

My friend made me another pot of stew. Isn't that awesome?!

I was telling a woman about this, about the stew and the casseroles and how it was all done (often how a thing is given is more important than what is given), and this woman, an unbeliever, started crying! She was that moved that someone who is not a relative would do that for someone else. So it was a chance to quietly and unobtrusively point to an example of Christ's love.

What a cold world.

When something good is shocking and violence is normal....

I guess we need to really appreciate and hang on to all the gems we are blessed with, given that we can receive so many lumps of coal or fool's gold so often.

I had court today. Serial rapist case. Ugly, horrific... and he's out walking around in the community. I wrote about it on the work blog. Well... wrote what I could, anyway. There's a publication ban on almost everything.

He sat down directly behind me in court. I sat there thinking about the fact that I had a serial rapist sitting directly behind me - so close I could feel his breath on the back of my head. I could smell him. I thought about the victims smelling him. After a rape it's like you can't get the smell of the rapist off of you no matter what you do. It's a big thing that victims experience but you don't hear about it often.

I saw what's-his-name in the courthouse hallway. (He's a lawyer, for those of you who don't know already) He didn't see me.

To me, he is the most attractive looking man I've ever seen in my life. That doesn't make this whole thing any easier, that's for sure! So of course, all of that hurt was triggered again - like I needed that.

After court I got to my car to find I had a parking ticket! $35!!!!

Where do those parking enforcement guys hide?!

You can't be even a second late for the meter. It's like they have some way of knowing from their little dens that someone's meter is going to expire in exactly the number of seconds it takes for the enforcement guy to get from his lair to his prey - i.e. my car!

I got some sleep last night. Yay!

Talked to my ex-husband on the phone tonight. He called to wish me a happy belated birthday. The conversation was the usual. It was okay, I guess. I'm actually going to have lunch with him tomorrow.

I went to the grocery store and, as a belated birthday gift to myself, splurged. I probably shouldn't have, especially considering I am calculating the cost of a slice of bread and literally saving pennies in an attempt to pay some bills. But I thought, "what the heck... I didn't get a cake or a gift and I've been working my butt off; I can give myself a little something, right?"

So I bought a can of pears (cheaper than fresh ones - do canned pears have any nutritional value? Does it still count as a serving of fruit?). I also bought a bag of blueberry bagels, some juice, and some cheese. That was an extravagant thing for me to do. But now, between that stuff and the stew, and my son giving me 3 bananas, I actually have some stuff in the house. So that feels good.

You know... I've lost 21 pounds since January.

I adore my dogs. They keep me sane.

My friends keep me sane, too. The woman who made the stew sent me an email in which one sentence read "Happy freakin birthday!!" I laughed so hard the dogs came running in to see what was going on.

And my son, who is struggling himself, gave me half of his bananas that he can't afford either. I didn't ask for those (I wouldn't); He just decided I probably needed it, so he did it. Nice boy, he is.

Wonder when spring will really come.

Moments

2008-03-22T13:35:00.002-04:00

I'm very tired, so I don't know if what I say will make much sense...

Lately I've had moments where I've thought about moments. Life is comprised of these and although at any given moment I might feel a certain way or think a certain thing or be in a certain environment, etcetera, I'm still the same person.

Mostly.

I'm not talking about defining moments - just the ones we all have every day.

Yes, there's something to living in the present, and I can be pretty good at that, but there's more. There's being aware of life in the present.

I said I feel like my life is flying by before my eyes and that's true. But it's also true that I am still living my life - as long as I am aware of the moments (as in the experience rather than the time), I am living. Moments and experiences and circumstances and things come and go, but I remain - still alive and living.

I AM (referring to God now) lives. What I see and experience is a miniscule micro version of the Great I Am and how He is and works.

If one human being can have such a rich experience, can have so many thoughts and feelings and complexities... and there are billions of human beings when you count all those who live, have lived, and will live.... and humans are specks, each a mere breath of God, then why do we try to simplify God and say He is this way or that way? ... just a thought on a tangent here....

Last night I said something to my son in a terse tone of voice. What I said was okay; It was my tone I didn't like. I recognized it immediately and immediately apologized and looked at myself to figure out what was going on. It was then that I had to admit that I was hurting about what's-his-name and bottling it up. If I'd tried to blame my son for my tone or mood I wouldn't have seen the unresolved issue I had, a sort of log in my eye.

And there are other moments. Like this morning.

All I have to do is look at my dogs and they wag their tails. I look at the cats and they start purring. I don't even have to touch them, just look at them and they are happy. Ganyahde (the puppy) is particularly funny. I just look at her and she rolls over onto her back, paws in the air, tail wagging.

How can I not smile at that?

And if I remain wrapped up in my own crap, I would miss that. Oh, I would see it, but would not experience it.

So I'm grateful for the animals. They truly are gifts.

And I'm grateful that God has created us in such a way that we can be aware of such moments, aware of our experience, aware of our awareness. It is in that way that we can experience life more richly. No amount of money in the world could give me that.

Are some of the moments I've experienced recently messages from God or are they merely moments of experience?

Remember how I was saying recently that I've had the sense that spring is coming in a non-literal sense? How I said I felt like I'd taken a step out of a dark place?

I wonder if that is somehow connected with that whole experience of fresh flowers and rain (remember that?). If it is, then it means there is something to hope for, something bigger than I know about. I don't know.

I look at all the houses on my street, think about all the houses in the city, in the country, in the world. In each of those places there are people experiencing a moment right now. If you add up all of those experiences, all of the "moments" that they are having in this moment, you have a whole lot of moments and see that time is not linear.

I know that this all sounds strange, but that's okay too.

Steamed Fish

2008-03-22T01:18:00.003-04:00

I want to cry my eyes out but am not letting myself. I'm afraid that if I start, I won't stop. Besides, what good does crying do?

I should be okay.

The Wayward Manager was very nice tonight. It's only 1:20am and I am home already.

I know what's wrong, though.

Tonight at the night job we got into a conversation about different ways to cook fish. I gave them my recipe for steamed fish. It's not the first recipe I've given them. One of the women asked me why I know so many authentic Chinese recipes.

The reason is What's-his-name. I learned how to cook real Chinese food for him. I loved cooking for him and his enthusiastic appreciation encouraged me to do more and do it better.

Tonight, in answer to the question about how I know these things, I simply mentioned it was because of dating whats-his-name. They started asking all sorts of questions. I dodged the questions, but it brought up all the emotion I have been pushing aside and/or covering up with my anger.

Why does my heart still ache so? Why can I not get rid of him?

Everything reminds me of him and I push that away. I try to make new memories, new mental associations.

This attachment is still so strong in spite of everything and I hate it. I don't want to feel attached. I don't want the pain of separation. I don't want the pain of being with him.

I want to not care. I want to feel indifferent.

Why is it that I can mentally and emotionally erase so much, but not him?

I have prayed about this over and over. I have had others pray for me and with me.

I have done all the rationalization in the world.

It's all to no avail.

This morning I dreamt that I was holding our baby (the one who died). I woke up terribly distraught.

Why can I not get rid of what's-his-name?

I guess I'm still boggled by what he did. On a mental level I get it; On an emotional and spiritual level it boggles me.

No matter how much I deny it or try to hide it, it's still hurting.

Send Me a Boat

2008-03-21T07:36:00.003-04:00

It's 7:30am and I haven't gone to bed yet - again.

The carpet cleaners came and went - The stains won't come out. That money to pay them was a lot of food, or part of a hydro bill, or part of the mortgage...

The male tenant is still mad at me for not taking in his brother.

At work, the brother would not cooperate with me which resulted in the entire staff team being held up. I said nothing. I did not complain. I knew that his behaviour would be seen by everyone, so I didn't need to whine. I just waited.

When the manager spoke to him about it several times, he finally started to sort of do what he was supposed to, but was doing things like throwing pieces of chicken at me instead of giving them to me. People noticed. I stayed quiet. If he wanted to be a jerk, he could do it all by himself.

Later, he decided to be civilized toward me. Then the manager asked if I would give him a ride home. I said no. No one understood.

A woman who was interested in renting a room here wrote to me to tell me she didn't get the student grant she needed (She was a really nice one, too.)

The boss at the night job went on vacation and forgot to submit my paperwork, meaning there will likely be another couple of weeks delay before I can start my new position.

All I do is work, it seems.

Very very tired.

Can't seem to manage this issue of finding time and the fatigue.

Love my dogs.

My company has been asked to support a book launch re a book about sexual abuse. I think I'm going to do it.

The days and weeks and months go by so quickly. I feel like my life is disappearing before my eyes. Feeling somewhat powerless.

But not giving up.

Tummy's been acting up again.

The broken-back feeling came back again tonight. It was harder to get rid of for some reason.

I miss church. I miss my friends. I miss having a life.

Feeling overwhelmed.

God, please show me how to swim or send me a boat.

Spring Coming?

2008-03-18T09:25:00.002-04:00

It turns out that the male tenant and his brother slept in the foyer of a bank.

Apparently this is all my fault.

The brother knew that Mission Services wouldn't take him after midnight. Yet when I kicked him out of here at 11pm, he chose to go see his brother at work and tell him how awful I am rather than going to where he was assured of a place to stay for the night.

If his goal was truly to find a place to stay, he would have gone to Mission Services. But that wasn't his goal (in my opinion). His goal was to stay at MY house - to get his way. So when he came back here at 3am, it was too late for him to go to Mission Services.

This is all my fault.

The male tenant is thinking of quitting his job, leaving the woman he's having the affair with, and moving out of the city.

How does that help his brother?

So work will lose another employee, that manager will lose her boyfriend (who is providing her with some much needed emotional stuff), and this guy will be starting over somewhere else.

And it's all my fault.

The story is that I'm a cold-hearted b____h who would let a poor guy suffer and maybe die out in the cold and throw his brother out with him.

My recollection is that I threw the brother out after telling him on repeated occasions that my home was not an option for him and providing him with the phone numbers for other supports. I even checked those options myself to make sure that there really was help available for him.

My recollection is that I offered the tenant a choice. His brother goes or they both go. Not the choice he wanted; I'll concede that fact, but a choice nonetheless. He made a choice.

But somehow the results of the choices that these people have made are all my fault.

Everyone at the night job knows how horrible I am. That will only fuel the fires and provide more ammunition for the Wayward Manager who continues to ignore procedure when dealing with the cash. I'm going to tell the boss again - but am concerned that now that it's the second time I've told, it will just look like I'm complaining.

Still... in spite of everything... for a moment yesterday I felt like I had taken a step out of a dark place. I don't know why. I don't know what, if anything I did that was the actual step out of the dark place.

Could it be simply that spring is coming and the days are getting longer and there's more sunshine?

Could it be that spring is coming in a different sense, a spiritual sense?

I don't know.

That sense of stepping out of a shadow was strong and profound, but only lasted a moment.

Wonder what that was about....

A Regular Peyton Place

2008-03-17T03:54:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here in the wee hours of the morning feeling upset over what has just happened here.

The psychopath guy did get back in - his brother brought him in.

I spoke to the male tenant and tried to explain as nicely as I could that I had already kicked the guy out earlier and that he just can't stay here. I told him that I understood that he was in a hard position but that his brother was making choices and, if he wanted the tenant could blame me when he talked to his brother.

He said his brother really didn't have any other place to go. I told him that wasn't true and explained to him what Mission Services had to offer and that they had in fact offered the guy a bed and some additional assistance on top of that. I told him that his brother was fully aware of this but simply not using it. I also told him that his brother's problems could not be made into my problems.

I can't tell you how hard that was for me to say that.

The tenant said, "Well, he's staying here tonight."

I said, "No, he's not"

Tenant, "Yes, he is."

me, "No. If I have to, I'll call the police and you can both leave."

Tenant, "Fine, we'll both leave and I'm giving my notice."

me, "You don't have to give two months. You can be out by April 1st"

him, "Alright"

So it looks like I'm getting my house back. Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to pay for it.

And I feel sick to my stomach - as much due to this situation as any illness.

I can't let this guy put his foot down with me about allowing someone into my home whom I feel is a threat to me and my furbabies. But I still feel bad for him all the same.

Not even sure what to think or feel right now.

And to think I was entertaining thoughts of letting their mother move in here.

And, oh... I have to work with these two at the night job and the one is having an affair with one of the managers whose common-law husband has made threats against her and him, all of which will make the night job situation weird, too.

How in the heck did I get into all this with everybody else's drama?

Really, I thought I'd be flipping burgers at night - I mean how complicated should that be?

Cold Medication and a Sick Day

2008-03-17T01:00:00.002-04:00

I'm sick, so stayed home in my pajamas.

That should mean that my day would be uneventful, right? Shouldn't it be that way?

Before I tell you about what went on here, I want to pass along some information about what my friend went through this weekend. She has been off sick and has been taking cold medication. She got a terrible headache, so took two tylenols. As far as I know, she took the medications in the proper doses.

Then things went haywire for her. Her heart rate went crazy. She had to be taken to the hospital via ambulance. The doctors tried medication to stablize her heart rate, but it didn't work. They had to use the machine with the paddles on her.

Scary stuff.

She's okay now, but what an ordeal for her!

Mine is not a cold, but queasiness, chills, aches, dizziness, etc., so cold medication is not something I'd be using right now anyway. I just mention this partly because I was shocked and concerned for my friend, and partly to pass along that caution.

I ventured downstairs to clean the carpet in the female tenant's room. I thought maybe if I worked really slowly that, bit by bit, I could make some progress.

It's stained beyond belief. It's ruined.

Two grand - for something I never got to use and that someone else destroyed.

God, I want to make enough money so I can have my house back.

Tonight at 11pm I discovered psychopath guy in my house again! The male tenant was not here.

I was pretty angry about that. I confronted him and told him to get out of my house. Again, he had the gall to argue with me! I told him I would be calling the police and that's when he agreed to leave.

But then he went on and on about how sorry he was. He's not sorry for trying to scam his way in here; He's sorry he got caught and sorry he didn't get what he wants! I said that to him.

Then I watched, probably with an incredulous expression on my face, as he stood there and actually worked to conjure up some tears. When he started crying, there were no tears, then his eyes got moist, then the moistness in the eyes went away. He said, "If you would help me just this once..."

I interrupted. You see, it's not "just this once". "Just this once" already happened. Anyway, I told him no and he got very angry. It was explosive.

I was standing there, sick and dizzy, knowing that I'm physically vulnerable.

I told him he had options but was choosing not to do anything and that he wasn't staying here. I walked away and waited.

He went to my son, trying to get my son to help him, to take his side. My son didn't argue with him, but wouldn't take his side, either. Then the guy told my son what he was going to tell me. My son told him he might want to think about that before he did it. The guy was defiant and said, "What's she gonna do, punch me in the face?"

My son calmly said, "You might want to watch what you say to her because you might not like what she says back."

I guess the guy got all macho and huffy and more intent on getting into it with me. My son shrugged his shoulders and laughed a little - kind of like, "whatever, buddy... if you want to jump off a cliff that's your problem"

The guy changed his mind about confronting me. But then he convinced my boy to give him a ride somewhere.

I think I'm going to have to tell my male tenant that the guy is not allowed here after 11pm. That really sucks because the tenant, although my son's age, is still an adult and I don't like having to treat him like a teenager by laying down such a rule.

This is really a sad thing because the tenant is a nice kid and I think he's caught between a whole lot of different forces. But I still need to know that I can go to sleep at night without worrying about who is in my house, who has access to me and my pets and my property.

I'm still up because I'm expecting that this guy is going to try to scam his way in again tonight.

I just wanted to get some rest. Just for a day. One sick day, one day to let my body try to fight whatever has besieged it.

Should have stayed home

2008-03-15T23:52:00.000-04:00

I should have stayed home.

While I was sitting at my computer and slowly doing things around the house I felt bad, but not bad enough to call in sick. When I got to work where the physical demands are much greater, my physical state deteriorated quickly. A couple of times I was sure I was going to faint (but I didn't).

The Wayward Manager let me go one hour early. This is after I asked, after two other employees told her that she really ought to let me go, and even a customer commented in front of her that I looked terrible.

I drove the psychopath guy to his mother's. I really ought to come up with a different name for him. "Psychopath" sounds so purely evil and, even though the guy likely really is a psychopath, no one is truly pure and complete evil. He is still a human being and labelling him like that is a barrier to remembering his humanity. I just can't come up with a better name at the moment.

During the drive, he asked me if he could move into my house. I told him that he could not. I told him that other people are already interested in the room (which is true) and that if I could figure out a way not to rent out the room at all then I won't (also true), and that it can't be rented until repairs are done anyway (also true).

I suggested to him that he talk to some people about getting some help with making a plan to get off of the streets and get some help getting together a plan and some supports in a more holistic sense so that once he got off the streets he could stay off and have a real shot at getting what he wants out of life. He said he liked that idea. We'll see what, if anything, he actually does about it.

He's already got the senior boss at work mad at him because he just didn't show up for his shift.

I've got to make some notes. The Wayward Manager still isn't following proper procedure with the cash.

If I'm feeling this lousy tomorrow, I will call in sick. I don't want to, though, because I don't want to leave them short-handed. On the other hand, they don't need me giving them whatever virus I've got.

Workin' On It

2008-03-15T14:32:00.002-04:00

So the female tenant moved out today.

Left her garbage here. I can't afford to have it removed, but it must be done.

The beautiful two-thousand dollar carpet in her room is a mess. After she broke my vacuum, she never vacuumed her room again. That's a year and a half of NEVER vacuuming a white carpet.

There are gouges in the walls - not huge, but big enough that the walls have to be repaired and re-painted.

There's a pile of black stuff all over the driveway that I will have to clean.

I'm very disappointed. I thought she was better than that.

I seriously want to be able to make enough money that I can pay the bills myself instead of relying on rental income. Then I can take in who I want here. If I want to take someone in and not charge them rent, then I can; If I want to be extremely picky about who lives here, I can be.

I use to tell people that there weren't many rules here except for common sense type things like not tampering with safety equipment and general respect and cleanliness. I didn't realize that picking up garbage and not misusing things wasn't "common sense".

I didn't need them to be grateful. I just wanted them to treat what was given to them with respect and not continually demand more and more.

I wonder if God feels that way sometimes about us.

Physically I'm not feeling so great today. I want to call in sick, but I know that I'm not really sick enough to avoid work. The real reason is that I don't want to go in and deal with that manager tonight and I do want to work on getting my house cleaned up.

I'm trying to work on my attitude here, but I'm finding it tough. I'm tired.

I'm still thinking about the stalker and that other guy who STILL won't leave me alone. Argh.

I'm going to try to just live in the moment and work on things that way - get through it moment by moment and try not to miss the good stuff.

Run-of-the-mill

2008-03-15T01:58:00.002-04:00

Not much to say tonight.

Worked hard, feeling very tired. Gotta work the night job tomorrow night and Sunday night, but at least can sleep in tomorrow - I hope.

Turns out that the person who let the water run all over my floor is the female tenant. She saw me cleaning it up, saw the damage, but didn't say a word.

She is moving out tomorrow.

The day job is suffering - a lot. I still haven't figured out how to manage everything on two hours sleep and 7 days a week of work. My body is not liking this at all.

Still, it beats giving up.

Thank you God for my sore feet and legs from all the working and standing and running around. It means I can walk.

Thank you God for my fatigue. It means that I have enough to do.

Thank you God that I am working two jobs. It means I'm doubly employed rather than unemployed.

Thank you God for the hydro bill. It means I had electricity in my home last month.

Thank you God for the mess outside and the animal fur all over the place. It means that I have these precious four-legged companions.

Thank you God for the laundry I have to do. It means that I have clothes to wear.

Thank you God for my son's shoes at the door that I keep tripping over. It means I have him and that he is safely at home.

*****

Two managers approached me tonight to warn me. They said the Wayward Manager is out to get me now. The way the one manager phrased it is, "Now she will kill you. Be careful."

Well... if she comes after me, it will be harder for her to focus on attacking Chitra.

Freedom

2008-03-14T03:35:00.001-04:00

Hi, everyone. :)

Long post tonight, but I think it's worth the read. (Of course I would say that, eh, given that I wrote it. :) )

I went to the night job during the day so I could get some time with the boss and hand in my written statement.

When I arrived I was surprised to see that her boss was there and his boss was there, too.

It was a little funny and a bit interesting because her boss didn't recognize me. He was giving me a look, a quizzical stare that said, "I know you but I can't figure out how I know you." I figured he didn't recognize me because I was all dressed up for the day job and he'd seen me wearing my silly little restaurant uniform with my hair stuffed up under the hat that goes with the uniform. I reminded him of the conversation we'd had before. He remembered it but was still looking at me funny.

I smiled to myself about that. I am the same person whether I'm dressed up or in a funny uniform or wearing my jeans. Yet even people who know I'm the same person sometimes respond very differently. I let that bounce around in my brain while I waited for the boss to come and see me.

Of course, the other staff saw me there talking to the boss, so there was some whispering going on. And then there were those who had to come and look, but pretend they weren't looking.

The boss wore no facial expression as she read my letter and statement.

hmmm... 'she's been here before', I thought.

She told me I did the right thing and that she wished more people would come to her with such documentation. She looked at the stack of documents I'd written and nodded her head and said, "This is excellent."

I was relieved.

She asked for my comments. I gave them, but was careful.

Before entering the building, I had taken a moment out in the parking lot to pray and ask God to help me to be fair and proper. I didn't really feel His presence during the meeting, but I did trust that He was there. It occurred to me that the fact that the other bosses happened to need to be there today anyway was a God set up.

I also told her about Chitra. I didn't tell everything, but did say enough to make it clear what kind of problem there was. I came right out and said that if she continued to schedule Chitra on the same shifts as this manager, we would lose Chitra and that would indeed be a loss.

She said she wouldn't be scheduling the two of them together anymore. I am feeling cautious relief about that.

But guess who IS going to be scheduled to work with this manager.... yep. Yours truly.

The boss said that she and her boss and his boss would deal with this manager. I know they dealt with her today.

So tonight we did work together - A lot of staff for the first several hours, but then at the end it was Chitra, The Wicked Step-Sister, The Wayward Manager, and me.

When I arrived for my shift, the manager stared icy darts at me.

I met her eyes and held the gaze, very conscious of my feelings, attitudes and facial expression. I was telling myself that neither fear nor guilt were allowed to enter my emotion, but neither were anger or defensiveness.

I got ready for my shift and punched in.

Immediately it started.

She started ordering me around. I don't care if she does that. What I did care about was that she was doing it incessantly and it was interfering with my ability to do the job I was supposed to be doing.

I thought, "Here we go."

Then I thought, "Wait... don't even think that, because you'll just be annoyed at every little part of her game. Don't play the game. Just don't play."

So I made a decision. I would do my job first and I would do everything I could to meet all of her demands without resentment or negative thought.

That is what I did.

I noticed something else, though. I noticed that she was pretty much on the warpath with everyone and they were getting frustrated and they were getting snippy with each other and with me.

I decided that I would forgive every snippy, negative, lousy thing from all of them - before they even did it. (remember the friend who came to my home who I was so rude to? She had forgiven me before I even did what I did. So I learned this from her.)

Forgiving them was very easy - especially once I could see what was really happening and understand where they were coming from. The hard part was not only to not allow myself to get sucked down or de-energized, but to keep myself up. After that, my task (self-assigned) was to try to help them emotionally. And I don't think that any of them were aware of the dynamics in the situation.

I forced myself to smile. Not a fake smile. I dug deep until I found the way of thinking, of feeling, of being, the sense of my self and the connectedness we all have with each other and God, and I was able to come out with genuine smiles for them. Genuine "please" and "thank you" and "hey, you do a good job with such-and-such" and "how are you".

That was kinda cool all by itself. But then...

Then something really cool happened.

Little by little, they got less snippy, a bit lighter, less wrapped up in their frustrations. Little by little, the smiles came. Then the laughter. Even the Wayward Manager was smiling (in between trying to stare me down).

The black cloud was starting to dissipate. (This took hours, but it was still happening)

By the way, I am NOT taking credit for this. This was God working with me; I just had to allow Him to do it (which is sometimes harder than it sounds - at least I think so anyway). I had to get myself out of my way; I had to get myself out of His way.

I continued to be kind and respectful to the Wayward Manager.

Her stares became different. She seemed confused, unsure of what to make of me in relation to her.

I observed that, thought it was interesting, and continued on.

Every time she went for Chitra, I got in the way - sometimes physically. It was obvious to both her and Chitra what I was doing, but I didn't care.

She laid off of Chitra. Chitra recognized this and got teary eyed and kept hugging me.

I think... I hope... that tonight Chitra saw and felt that she is loved.

Then something else cool happened.

I did something I didn't expect myself to do, but it just came out of me. I won't go into detail because this post is too long already, but I did something unusually nice and on a personal level for that guy - the psychopath brother (not sure if I told you, but he also just got hired where I work). Side note: I know that by telling that I did something good I take my own blessing away, but it's okay because I wasn't doing it to get a blessing anyway. Besides, I DID get an unexpected blessing from it. Cool how God multiplies these things....

That made the Wayward Manager even more confused and curious.

Finally she asked. "Why did you do that for him?"

I told her, "Because he is a human being. No matter what I think of him, he is still God's child."

That was an open door for me to explain to her that just because I dislike someone's behaviour, it doesn't mean that I dislike the person and it certainly doesn't mean that I wish anything bad for them.

That was it. That was the final piece for her to be able to look at me without strangling me with her eyes. I'm hoping that she saw that my reporting her wasn't about hatred, dislike or ill-will.

For the rest of the night I made an extra effort to show this woman that I DO care about her. I did it out of genuine care for her - not out of guilt or fear or "should's" or anything else.

That was freedom. Not just for me, but for all of us.

We got out of there on time. Unfortunately, she still asked an employee for a ride home. She's still not "getting" it, but at least she had enough within her to make some steps tonight, both as a manager and as a person.

Paul was right when he said, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

And I would say that before we struggle against these things as they impact other people, we must first struggle against them in and around ourselves. It's hard to fight when you're all bound up by your own crap.

No Time For Navel-Gazin'

2008-03-13T01:12:00.000-04:00

I prepared my statement re the cash issues. I did all the background work to do what I could to ensure that innocent bystanders were protected from being unfairly drawn in or blamed. My statement and accompanying letter is such that it would hold up in a court.

When it comes to doing these sorts of things there are always concerns about being in trouble oneself for coming forward, you know, the shoot the messenger thing. There are concerns about being viewed or labelled as a trouble-maker or whiner. I've seen plenty of cases where a person who tells about wrongdoing ends up unemployed or harassed. Just like everyone else, all of those things crossed my mind. But I know that I know that I'm doing the right thing.

Funny thing about knowing what the right thing to do is..... once you know what it is, it's pretty much impossible NOT to do it.

Besides that, other people are going through so much right now that this is no time for me to be navel-gazing and pondering. I know who I am and I know what needs to be done. This is one of those times when one takes action (appropriately, of course).

I will be seeing the senior boss in person tomorrow.

Something else happened related to that. Last night, Chitra (remember - she's the one who faced that racist), was going to quit! That's a shocker.

The reason why? This same manager who is messing with the cash and who wants the rides home.

Because the cash was wrong so many times on Chitra's register, she is concerned that people will think that she is doing something wrong. I found out tonight that Chitra has been replacing shortfalls in the cash with money out of her own pocket.

That's not the only reason for her desire to quit, though. This manager treats Chitra like a servant, like less than a servant. She bullies and bosses and is very rude. Chitra always smiles and does what she's told, but inside she hurts. She's too nice to talk back.

I learned of this and approached Chitra and, without saying I knew anything, just mentioned to her that not only do I think she's a wonderful employee, but that everyone else knows it, too.

She burst into tears.

This is a strong, sweet, loving woman who never seems to get flustered. And here she was melting into a puddle before my eyes.

She let it all out. She told me everything (I already knew, but she thought no one knew). She begged me not to tell anyone how she was reacting.

I WANT to tell! I want to tell the senior boss how one of our very best employees has been abased and hurt so much. I want it to stop!

But I promised Chitra, so I won't tell. BUT I will do enough and tell enough to make sure that the senior boss finds out what's happening.

And I didn't tell Chitra this, but I told myself, and now you, that when that manager is working and Chitra is also working, I will be getting in the way. I will ensure that I put myself between Chitra and that manager and be as much of a buffer and protector as I can. You know... I don't think I'm capable of NOT doing that.

After Chitra and I talked, she came to me and threw her arms around me like a wounded child throws herself at her mother (Chitra is about 60 years old, by the way).

The other person who is suffering today is my male tenant. He's 24 years old and works hard for his minimum wage. His brother is the psychopath. His mother is a bit of a character and she self-medicates with alcohol, but she and this boy love each other dearly. There have been times in the past when this boy has worked to support his mom.

She is getting thrown out of where she lives. The reason - the psychopath son who keeps manipulating his way into "crashing" at her place when he's not supposed to be there.

Also, she has just been diagnosed with severe clinical depression. She's been on a couple of different medications with poor results. She's in no shape to work.

The boy (my tenant) came to me today. He was unusually nervous. He told me the whole story. Understand that this boy doesn't tell anyone anything. He's not a talker. He told me he doesn't know how long he can live here because he may have to take care of his mom. He likely won't be able to give me proper notice. That sucks big time for me because I need that notice and the income, but again, it's no time to be thinking about how it impacts me.

You know what he said? He said that he thinks that the reason his mother is depressed is partly because of his brother, but partly because of him because he didn't finish school and that disappointed her.

Hearing that made me want to cry.

I told him that it's true that circumstances can start someone down a road to depression, but that there are actual chemical changes that take place in the brain. I told him that he cannot fix what has happened to his mom and that it is not his fault she is suffering this. I don't think that really sunk in.

I pointed out to him that once again the responsibility fell on his shoulders alone to take care of everything. That seemed to hit a nerve with him, but he recovered enough to shrug his shoulders and pretend like it was all okay.

I wanted to hug him, but if I'd done that, I think he'd have fainted.

Thoughts of bringing the mother here are going through my head. I don't know if that's such a good idea.... but my heart wants so much to help these people.

If you can, if you can remember, when you pray, would you say a prayer for these people? For the woman I call Chitra, for this wayward manager, for the senior boss who has to deal with this, for my male tenant and his mom and even the psychopath brother.

I know that's a lot to ask. I will be praying for these people.

And God, thank you for showing me the way out of my negative and miserable attitude in time.

Acceptance

2008-03-12T00:21:00.001-04:00

What's happened to me? What have I allowed? How did I get so lost?

I never use to be so grouchy, so miserable.

Yes, I've always had rough edges to me, but wasn't harsh to people unnecessarily, was not snippy or petty.

I always accepted my circumstance and rose above it. Yes, I've had to fight and claw and suffer, but mentally I was always beyond it all. But that hasn't been the case for many weeks now.

I get annoyed - easily.

I raise my voice.

I fail to show compassion.

This has never been me, yet it must be a part of me because this is what I'm doing.

If I want to be dishonest with myself, I could say that it's because of my circumstance, because of sleep deprivation, because I'm sick and tired of being walked on. But that would only be a small part of the truth.

I've been in some horrific situations - far worse than this - yet did not develop a bad attitude. I never stopped being grateful. I never doubted my faith. People even thought I was weird because of it. So it's not just this situation. And I started down this road a long time ago.

I think part of it is a kind of pendulum swing, so to speak. Several years ago I failed God, myself, and an innocent life. Concurrent to that I also became terribly ill. I was so ashamed of my failure and my weakness that I could not even utter God's name. I didn't deserve to speak of Him, never mind speak to Him. I wouldn't dare cry to Him for help. Like Adam and Eve, I tried to hide myself from Him because I was so profoundly ashamed.

It's not that shame was anything new to me. I grew up being ashamed for everything, including being alive.

My sister was the instrument God used to get me back to Him. That is a whole other wonderful and miraculous story.

When I finally did dare to utter God's name, not because I was asking for help, but simply because I wanted to acknowledge Him, my physical healing progressed quickly (the prognosis was that I would never heal - but I was on my feet within months and completely healed within 5 years). The suffering over the loss of my child continues. It cuts as sharp today as it did on the day he died.

God went on to show me amazing things. He revealed to me my life's purpose and the reasons why I suffered all that I had. That's huge. There are people in this world who never find that, yet God just handed it to me one day.

I was obedient.

I have spent these last number of years trying to atone, trying to catch up, trying to undo that which cannot be undone. I have studied the Bible, talked to people, read Christian books, thought, and prayed. I wanted to be as good a person as I could. I wanted (and want to) be as good a daughter to Him as I possibly can.

Yes, I have learned some things. But I've messed up more than I've succeeded.

He told me to do the work that I do. So I did and have been. The fact remained that I still lived in this world and had to figure out how to start and run a business. So I asked people who supposedly knew what they were doing.

That was a mistake. I followed the wisdom of men right into big debt and a brick wall. The brick wall was that there are things that one is "supposed" to do in business that I simply cannot do if I'm to have integrity, if I'm to be able to say that this is God's work.

So I decided to listen to the wisdom of the Christian religion and Christian people.

That was a mistake. I ran around in circles, in confusion and I got very hurt. I think the Christian religion (or any religion for that matter) is still the wisdom of men. The wisdom of Christianity and the wisdom of Christ are two different things.

I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out because I see how, in spite of everything, God has continued to hold me up. No, I have not prospered, but neither have I perished.

I like to talk about God. I like to learn about Him. I want more than to know His ways; I want to understand. There's something in the understanding that words are not sufficient for. There's a thing, a knowing deep down inside of an inarticulatable truth. (yeah, yeah, I just made up the word "inarticulatable" - but hey, it works)

It is there where I must go once again.

The fight is as much internal as external - perhaps more so.

I AM good - not in the way that God is good, but good enough. I can stop trying now and just start being.

The Holy Spirit is in me. By trying too hard I actually cover Him up, I unwittingly cover that Light.

I must be good enough. It's not that I accepted Him, but that He accepted me that makes it so.

The Kitchen

2008-03-11T21:13:00.002-04:00

I went downstairs and found water all over the kitchen floor.

I looked for the source of the water.

I found towels and mats on the floor, all sopping wet. Clearly, at least one of the tenants knew about this water but failed to tell me about it.

Did no one learn from the bathroom fiasco? Or is it that nobody cares because they don't have to pay for the consequences?

The water is from the downstairs fridge. Someone decided to defrost the freezer but failed to stick around to drain it or clean up.

I picked up the sopping towels. The floor tiles came up with the towels. The wood underneath the tiles was saturated so much so that it is buckled and pieces of it are crumbling apart like wet cardboard.

This water has obviously been there for some time.

A large area of floor is affected.

I started to try to clean it.

I could barely move because of all the crap crammed in there.

I sat on the floor and cried.

Why?

I'm doing everything I possibly can to claw myself out of this hole but all the while somebody keeps dumping more dirt on my head.

Chaos

2008-03-10T23:26:00.003-04:00

Tonight I didn't have to work the night job. I was looking forward to getting a whole night's sleep. I got ready for bed, went to bed, was drifting off...

and there's chaos in my house.

I'm already stressed out because my stalker was at my house tonight (the really dangerous one; the one whose been stalking me for six years now). He is unusually agitated. I'm hyper-aware of every bump or noise. Every time the dogs bark or there is a loud noise in the house, I'm jumping out of my skin.

So I'm actually falling asleep in spite of everything and I hear booming, then banging, then screaming.

I leap from my bed.

Then I hear raucous laughter.

I go back to bed but the racket continues.

I know I'm not the only one trying to sleep. It's after 11pm and I know that my female tenant is downstairs trying to sleep. She also has to get up early for work.

I went downstairs and, in a raised voice that wasn't quite yelling, I said, "It's eleven o'clock on a worknight. What is going on?! Who is screaming?"

Guess who was screaming. .... There was a child in my house. If I had known that, I wouldn't have spoken in that tone. It was the child who was screaming.

Guess whose child it was.... It was the child of one of the managers at my night job. She was here, too. (She's having an affair with the male tenant downstairs)

Great.

She started apologizing and was making like she was going to leave. I told her she could stay but that they had to be quiet enough that people could sleep.

I turn around and guess who else was there... oh it was a regular flippin' reunion... The brother of my male tenant, who in the past tried to rent from me and I refused him because he was heavy into drugs and other criminal activity and had been kicked out of place after place. After I refused him, he called me repeatedly and tried every angle and every scam he could to convince me to change my mind.

Last week, my male tenant announced to me (at midnight, while I was at work) that his brother was staying the night because he had no other place to go. I didn't really have a choice there unless I wanted to throw the guy out at 3am when I got home. I was not impressed. I told the tenant one night and that was it.

The next day, the guy tried to con and cajole me into letting him stay again. I said no.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm a sucker for a sob story, but let me tell ya', this one is no sob story. This guy is homeless because he victimizes people wherever he goes. He's a fire-setter, scammer, druggie... all sorts of things.. and feels no remorse whatsoever for anything he does to people. I'm not letting him stay one room away from my single female tenant who so incredibly oblivious and stupid when it comes to these things that it's phenomenal. This woman would hand a class of preschoolers over to a pedophile and then say, "But he promised he would be good."

Anyway.. this psychopath guy is not welcome to stay in my home. And no, I don't even give a crap if everyone thinks I'm mean for it.

So that guy called me at work the other day with the sob story about how he would have to sleep in the snow if I didn't do something for him. He just had nowhere to go, no one on this planet would help him. He would suffer and die if I didn't help him.

Of course this is after he sat on his duff at my house all day long playing video games, eating his brother's food, workin' the charm on the oblivious female tenant, and not lifting a finger to try to help himself or find a place when he knew he would need it.

My response was to give him the number for Victim Services and tell him to get in touch with Mission Services for shelter and help with a longer term plan. He did call those places. I guess those places have some rules, though. Miraculously the guy found a friend who he could stay with.

So tonight I find him in my home after 11pm. I was ticked.

I told him he wasn't staying here. You know, he had the gall to argue with me?! He told me his brother was leaving for the night and had told him that he could crash in his room.

I told him it was my house and I say who gets to sleep here and who doesn't. I told him his brother had no authority to invite someone to stay in this house when he wasn't here. I told him that he could march his butt (actually used a different word....) down to the hospital and cry to them for a place to stay, but he wasn't staying here.

So will I be able to sleep? No. I will be up to ensure that he leaves. If he doesn't, I will be up waiting for the police, because I will call them if I need to.

I will be listening for every noise, every door opening... is he sneaking back in? Is he mad because I refused him and now going to set my house on fire? Is my car safe? Are my pets safe? Is it my stalker breaking in to kill me?

I WANT MY HOUSE BACK!!!!

I want my home back. I want to be safe. I want to be able to earn enough to pay the bills and eat and go to sleep. I want to not have to pick up after everyone, to argue about noise and garbage and safety and every electrical appliance you can imagine being left on all the time. I don't want to keep replacing walls and carpets and floors and bathrooms because other people destroy them.

I'm not asking to be rich. I just want to be okay.

God, please... give me back my home and give me my safety.

On The Surface

2008-03-10T10:51:00.003-04:00

This is a long haul. I knew it would be. I thought I would become accustomed to it, adjust.... In some ways I have. I still say I wouldn't have been able to come this far without God's help.

But in other ways, things are piling up and the sleep deprivation and lack of time are catching up to me. What I could force myself to do before, I can no longer. My body will not comply.

I thought that I could do this for a time and, in the meantime, build up a real means of income through the business. I am having trouble doing much of anything. I have no physical or mental energy. I have no time. I need funding for basics. I need help but had to let my assistant go due to financial constraints.

I do things as I believe I'm directed. What's happened is that instead of success in the way I've expected, I've discovered things... things are being revealed. Negative things, disappointing things. And sometimes in relation to my own brothers and sisters in Christ. That one saddens me the most.

I'm not talking about the horrific. Sadly, that stuff doesn't shock me; I see the really bad stuff long before most others and can avoid it and protect. I'm talking about other things that aren't as bad, but still hurt people. I'm talking about things such as lying and stealing, cheating, manipulating and then not calling those things for what they are but calling them "good" or "okay" or making excuses like "everyone does it" or "that's just the way the world works".

I dislike fake people. There's a difference between trying to be "good" or nice or giving because you want to do what's right or want to change something about yourself and being "good" because you want power or want people to think highly of you.

I shake my head. The majority of people are not smart enough to pull that off anyway.

Just like most other people, I want to believe that what I'm seeing with my eyes is true, that how people present themselves is how they really are. Just because we want to believe something doesn't make it so.

We've all met people who are the type who "call it like it is" (really they're calling it how they think it is, which is not always like it really is) or who are a bit brash, vocal... you know the type. It can be really annoying, but at least it's honest. I'd rather deal with that than someone who smiles in your face while they twist the knife or poison your meal.

So maybe there's more meaning to my circumstance than simply what I learn or simply trying to save my home. And maybe it's not all happy pretty stuff, like interacting with that teenage boy who wants to make something of himself and get out of the ghetto.

There is ugly stuff. Stuff that was hidden but is being revealed. This isn't new to me; It's part of what I do and who I am - my calling. It's just that usually I'm actually looking for it and this time (and one other time recently), I wasn't. That wasn't part of what I thought my role was. But the job description given by a corporation is not always the same as the job description given by our Father. Even though I know this, I failed to acknowledge it.

By the way, as I'd suspected, the problems at the night job are deeper and more widespread than what they initially appeared.

The other difference is that when I go looking to correct or protect people from the ugly stuff, I'm generally in a position of power. This time I'm in a position of no power.

Some time ago, God made it crystal clear to me to do the kind of work that I do. So I did and have continued. I thought that in the night job I would be merely flipping burgers and scrubbing toilets, that I was not doing anything related to my calling, but that's only what's on the surface....

Follow-Up

2008-03-09T03:02:00.001-04:00

Tonight I decided that I would follow up on the cash drawer issue right away instead of waiting. I spoke to another manager about it. Her reaction was very different from the last one. She immediately recognized the seriousness of tampering with the cash procedure, the seriousness of forging a signature and falsifying the paperwork. She told me I had to give a written statement.

That makes perfect sense to me.

I will try to do that tomorrow before I have to go into work.

I've also decided that I'm going to ask the manager that I spoke to first to please wait until the senior boss decides how to proceed before tipping off the manager who has done the forgeries.

I suspect that mine is not the only signature being forged. I suspect that if this is investigated properly there will be some things uncovered.

So I'm praying for protection for those who have not tampered with cash or signatures, praying for protection for all who tell the truth, and praying that the truth - the real truth without tainting by bias or hidden agendas - be revealed.

I'm actually hoping that this manager does not lose her job over this. I'm hoping for rehabilitation. Having said that, I know that if this was one of my own staff they'd be fired immediately... so whatever management decides to do with her is not for me to judge.

There... I said that out loud (well, out loud as can be in blog-land). But I won't know what I think until things unfold. (Not sure if that made sense... It's late :) )

Did a whole lot of snow shovelling today.

Checked my car; It seems to be okay. ... oh, yeah... forgot to mention I got into a car accident last night. I'm okay, though so no biggie.

Funny thing - that broken-back feeling came back after the accident. I was able to pray it away, though. I know it sounds weird, but there's something to that.

Friday/Saturday

2008-03-08T03:09:00.004-05:00

I tried something different. I figured that since I end up falling asleep at my desk so often and am not being very productive due to extreme fatigue, that I might as well stay up after I work the night job and start work on the day job straight away.

The first couple of hours were okay. By 9:30 am I was pretty much a basket case. I still managed to get in seven hours of work. The problem is that if I stay up, by the time I can make phone calls or visits or run errands, I'm useless. So that's not going to work.

I did, however get 3 hours sleep in a row. That seemed to make a difference tonight.

I'll get this figured out... I hope.

I spoke to management about the cash drawer issue. The manager I spoke with pulled up last night's paperwork. Surprise surprise, my initials had been forged.

The manager tonight seemed to want to make excuses for the other manager and doesn't seem keen on telling anyone more senior. I see this sort of thing in the day job all of the time - where front line staff actually have the guts to speak up but middle management is too uncomfortable to take it any further. If the bosses don't know about things they cannot deal with them.

I will wait to see what, if anything, happens and then follow up. At this point the senior managers don't realize that it's not my signature on those documents.

Crazy - You know, I've found the business world to be just as awful and mean as the criminal world, and sometimes more so. It's not a big surprise, but it is disappointing. I've fired people for much less than this.

Cash Drawer

2008-03-07T03:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I managed to get through the whole night without being snippy with anyone. whew!

At one point I did speak in a firm tone (but was still polite enough) to that manager who wants the rides home (and she didn't even try that again tonight).

Something's not right with the cash drawer. Maybe it's nothing, but I know better than to ignore this, so am watching.... Let me explain:

Before a staff takes over a cash register, the staff and the manager count what's in the drawer - together.

Then the staff signs off to say that the amount recorded and the actual amount of cash in the drawer match.

Then at the end of the shift, the manager and staff once again count the money together.

Overages or shortages are calculated,
voids are recorded,
and the staff signs off again to say that the counts are all accurate.

If a cashier is short more than $6, disciplinary action will be taken.

If a cashier has too many voids (it's a percentage, so that could mean as little as one void), then she or he is in trouble. (This means if a customer changes his mind about an order, if the change is significant enough, the cashier can get in trouble - sucks, but that's the way it is).

So that's the way it's supposed to go.

The first night on cash with this particular manager (the one who wants the rides), she told me I HAD to sign the ledger even though I hadn't seen the count. I was very uncomfortable about initialing anything I hadn't verified myself. I said as much and she was not happy about that.

The second night on cash with this manager, my drawer was $8 short at the beginning, before I even touched it.

Another manager caught this and told me not to trust the manager's count and to refuse to sign if it's not right. I would have been in trouble because of the first manager if the second one hadn't been wise to what was happening. I told the second manager about being ordered to sign off on another night when I was uncomfortable. She nodded and told me not to trust.

Another night when I was on cash, the same manager (the ride home one) told me she'd counted my cash and wanted me to sign off. I told her that I wanted to follow procedure and count it together.

She said, "Don't you trust me?" (That's a trick used by criminals, so the alarm bells went off in my head even louder.)

I said, "I need to learn to do things properly, so maybe you could help me learn by doing the count together with me."

We counted it - twice. The cash was $48 short!

But you know what she did?! She stated a number that was different from what we'd just counted! As if I wouldn't notice?

I said, "No." and said the correct number.

She said, "Yes, the guy before you is $8 short." (That wasn't right, either.)

I said nothing. I signed off on the correct amount that was in the drawer.

Later she came over and used my register and made a huge void. That's her void under my name.

At the end of the night, she didn't ask me to sign off on what was in the drawer. She should have got a number of signatures from me, but did not. I've been waiting for a more senior manager to say something to me or ask me about it, but have heard nothing. I don't know what happened with that cash total or that paperwork for that night.

Tonight, the same manager put me on cash, but didn't even count the cash in the drawer and didn't ask me to sign anything. Then partway through the night she tried to make a void on my cash register. I told her no, to go use another register. (This is what I mean when I said I got firm tonight.) She tried again. Again I said, "No." She was really ticked off and started mocking me. I said I wasn't trying to be rude, but still she couldn't do that on my register.

At the end of the night I didn't see her do a count and again I was not asked to sign anything.

I wondered if she's forging my signature? Coming up with an excuse as to why the paperwork isn't signed? What's going on here?

The signs are there that things are not right. I think I need to mention the situation to a more senior manager. This situation needs to be at least watched if not looked into further.

Cranky

2008-03-06T16:47:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling very cranky and I don't know why.

Maybe it's that I've crunched some numbers and found that I'm still short $2608.00 every month.

Maybe it's because my body is soo tired all of the time and I'm tired of being tired.

I know I'm mad at myself today for falling asleep this morning and messing up my day - nothing accomplished. And I have to go to work at the other job and am now rushing around (don't like rushing, but it's all I seem to do anymore).

Maybe it's because I don't have time to do any of the things I need to do to take care of things around the house.

Maybe it's because... oh, the list goes on...

Maybe it just doesn't matter why I feel this way. The bottom line is that this is the way I feel and I've simply got to deal with it.

You see, when I'm feeling crusty or cranky I still don't think it's right or fair for anyone else to suffer for that - but it is harder to be patient, to be reasonable, to act out of love rather than how I feel at the moment.

But at least I'm aware of this. That means I can make a choice. I can make a conscious and concerted effort to act like a human being (instead of a bear - although sometimes I think bears are nicer than people - that's another conversation....).

Yes, everyone knows how I acted with the neighbour and my friend that day a few weeks ago... I'm not saying I'm always successful here :) But that was not the norm for me.

So today I will pray for the Holy Spirit to be very present in me, that He will help me to be Christlike instead of like myself. In the end, though, that is more like me than not because the Holy Spirit IS in me, is a part of who I am.

I also know that if I try on my own to be "nice" that I'll fail or come out with some mixed up version of what that is. I know that it will be Jesus who inspires and helps me.

Hey... what do you suppose Jesus would have done with the gossiping situation last night?

Gossip

2008-03-06T03:45:00.000-05:00

Tonight I had my interview for the management position. The woman interviewing me told me outright that it was clear I had all of the skills they were looking for. (It's not like we're talking about rocket science here, though.)

So everybody was whispering to each other and glancing in my direction. I was warned that there are those who will be jealous and upset because I got promoted so quickly and got promoted ahead of them. I just shrugged my shoulders. Really, what is there to say to that? Besides, I'm use to that kind of crap. Another manager came to me to warn me that once everything is official, one of the other managers (the one who tries to get rides from me and keeps me late) is going to try to push me out. She said that a number of other new managers have quit because of this woman.

I said "Thanks for the warning."

Then a group of them started gossiping about this manager. I don't like the woman's tactics, but I'm not about to stand around slagging her behind her back, either. It's one thing for me to gripe about things here on this blog where no one knows who this woman is; It's quite another to say rotten things in order to be a part of the group.

I actually tried defending her. It didn't work so well, so I just changed the subject... but no one wanted to talk about another subject. I tried another one. Nope... They wanted to talk about somebody, not something. So I commented about how one particular staff was such a good worker. No takers on that one, either. I guess that saying something positive isn't juicy enough.

I really dislike that sort of thing. I've been the victim of gossip and it can be very painful. I don't want to do that to somebody else.

Better get to bed. It's getting close to 4am and I have to get up soon to work the day job.

God, please give me strength and wisdom.

A Bottle Of Wine

2008-03-04T23:45:00.003-05:00

I've been having trouble with my sleep patterns - or lack thereof. I'm exhausted, yet even on nights when I don't have to work all night, my body has decided that it needs to stay awake that late anyway. But then I fall asleep at my desk during the day. Not good.

My doctor gave me a couple of sleeping pills. A couple isn't going to cut it but I wouldn't want to take more than a couple anyway because I'm worried about becoming dependent on them. Actually, I don't want to take any sleeping pills because of the side effects. They stay in your body for a long time and I don't need a drug hangover.

I've worked shifts in the past and have done okay with it, but this is different because I'm not merely working shifts; I'm working night shift AND day shift. The body and brain are NOT liking this.

I talked to some friends who work shifts to see what kinds of problems they face and what solutions work for them. More than one has recommended a glass of wine. I don't have any theological problems with having a glass of wine, but I am concerned about alcohol's depressant effect. The last thing I need to do is knock myself into a clinical depression. Been there, done that, never doing it again.

The doctor says a glass or two of wine is okay. My friend brought me a bottle of wine.

Tonight I thought I'd give it a shot (pun intended).

I had a glass of wine.

Nothing.

Not tired. Not feeling it.

Is there alcohol in this?

I had another glass. (For those of you who don't know, not only do I not drink, but one of my nicknames in University was "Half-beer Laurie")

I'm feeling relaxed for a change, but is it the wine or the fact that I'm not actually doing any work?

I waited for the effects of the alcohol to make me sleepy.

Nope. Nothing, save for a warm feeling in my face.

I had another glass.

Um... This isn't working out.

I'm feeling like I want to turn this music up.

Who can I phone?

No... It's too late to be phoning anyone.

I want a bag of chips. Okay, I'm going to die if I don't have a bag of chips right now.

No - I'm on a strict budget. Besides, it's not like I can be driving anywhere anyway.

Okay... I felt kinda good for about ten minutes, but still not sleepy. Wasn't this supposed to make me sleepy?

I'm feeling a little dizzy. My head kinda hurts and my stomach isn't liking this. But still not sleepy.

Well, if three glasses didn't work, a fourth is not going to do me any good. This didn't work so well.

People actually do this to themselves on purpose. hmmm....

Really I should have known better... I think so, anyway. Remind me to tell you my two NyQuil stories - one where I got an award and the other when the OPP confined me to the law library in the Crown Attorney's office.

Nope. I won't be trying this again. Gotta find something that works, though.

Take That, Naysayers!

2008-03-04T12:59:00.004-05:00

I decided to phone the bank instead of going in there. It's harder to unintentionally intimidate people over the phone and then if I wanted to roll my eyes or something, they wouldn't be able to see it.

So the guy at the bank I was talking to said, "Well, that's strange"

What I was thinking: It's more than strange; It's idiotic!

What I actually said: "yes."

Then he said: "Well why did they do that?"

What I was thinking: How in the heck would I know?! Whaddya mean by even asking me that?!

What I actually said: "Gee... I don't know."

It went on...

Eventually the situation was fixed. My mortgage did bounce but they agreed to fix that with the mortgage company.

I went and celebrated by having Timmie's coffee with a friend.

Someone from my church left an envelope for me. It contained $50! I was really surprised because hardly anyone knows about what's going on. The only people at church who know what's going on are the Pastors and Spike (the husband of one of the pastors).

My son is now living with me - very cramped conditions for him. This is tough on him, but he's making some healthy and thoughtful decisions.

My interview for that promotion is tomorrow.

The snow melted and all the doggie mess has been revealed. Gross! Gotta get that cleaned up today.

Thinking about specific plans. What I'm doing isn't working well enough - time to do some fine tuning.

The house financing went through. As soon as the cheque clears I'll be able to consolidate most of my debt. This will save me a thousand dollars a month! That's huge.

I'm still not pulling in what I need to meet basic needs and obligations... but I'm not giving up.

I want to take these positives and shove them in the faces of people who told me to give up, those who told me it was impossible, those who said that what I'm doing is stupid, those who say that God can't or won't help... Saying such things to someone whose faith is shaken, who is struggling just to survive, who wants to hope but doesn't really (more like hoping to hope..)... saying such things was demoralizing and discouraging rather than helpful.

And guess what! I'm still here! I'm still in my home and I still have my animals in spite of how impossible it is! I take no credit for that, by the way. This was impossible for me. But nothing is impossible for God and He DID the impossible.

Take that, naysayers! HA!

I still have a very long, long way to go. But God has brought me this far and He will be with me until the end and longer.

This doesn't mean I'm not scared or stressed or weary; I am. It does mean that God is stronger than all of the forces and circumstances that would come to bear against me.

And thank you to those who have been and continue to be a part of this journey.

Fifty-Seven-Thousand!

2008-03-03T21:25:00.002-05:00

I just went to my online banking to make sure my mortgage payment went through okay. What I found shocked me and I'm steamed.

Someone at the bank put FIFTY-SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on hold! I don't even HAVE that kind of money! That means I have ZERO dollars for the mortgage or anything else! Even if I magically came up with a ton of money, I'd have to deposit more than fifty-seven thousand dollars in order to get above that hold mark to pay for anything! What the #$%?!!!

Why is it that one can work and work and try and try, yet someone else can create such a mess of things?! I've worked hard to get the money for that mortgage payment. I've worked hard and been diligent to ensure my credit rating is good. The person who made this mistake will not suffer a bounced mortgage or a black mark on their credit!

There will be no sleep for me tonight. Then again my blood pressure is through the roof at the moment....

God, help me to refrain from doing anything terribly stupid at the bank in the morning! God, please don't let my mortgage have bounced.

Your Own First?

2008-03-03T09:14:00.003-05:00

In a previous post (Tumbling Down), I wrote that I'd given away so much that I had put myself in the position of not being able to help myself and my boy. That same night, I decided to read from Proverbs. I read verse after verse of how it's important to give to people in need, which showed me that my thinking earlier in the night had been erroneous to a point.

So now I'm thinking that giving money is like helping people with their work. I'll explain.

At the restaurant (or anywhere I work) I work very hard. I generally get all of my work done plus do a number of tasks that are the jobs of others. I'm like this at any job. My attitude is that if something needs doing, then it should be done and I'm not going to stand around deciding whether or not to do it based on the notion of whose job it is. (Of course if it's something that I'm not qualified to do or for some other reason ought not to do, then it's different). I find that, regardless of the job, things run more smoothly and morale is better if everyone pitches in and does as much as they can.

I've also learned through the years that if I take care of someone else's responsibility before I take care of my own, I'll be left working late because I still have to do my own work and no one is going to help me with that no matter how much I help others. The solution to that is to do my own stuff and then help everyone else regardless of how much others try to pressure me to take care of their stuff before my own. (If I don't take care of my own responsibilities I can't stand around blaming someone else - That's why it's called responsibility and why it's assigned or designated.)

So I think it's similar with money (or services that really translate into money). There's a balance to be found and misplaced guilt or feeling sorry for people has no place in the equation. So not only is it okay to give things away, whether it be money, material or service, it's also good to give it. The part that's a bit tricky is that balance part. I should take care of my own needs and then give.

Does that sound right? I don't recall the Bible saying that anywhere, though. hmmm....

The other consideration is the definition of "need". What I think is need (as differentiated from want) is quite different from what most people I know think of as "need". My version is much less than others in North America. If you asked a kid on the street in Bangladesh about need, he or she would also have a very different answer.

*****

Side note: Remember how I told you about my friend who showed up at my house with all the fruits and vegetables? Well, if you'd asked me, I would have told you I didn't "need" that stuff, that I could live on oatmeal, that I still had meatballs in the fridge that my friend gave me. As it turns out, I was getting sick (just common cold kind of sick) but didn't know it yet. It also turns out that my other friend who had given me all those casseroles had wanted to do another one but was unable (I didn't know any of that, either, but wasn't expecting anything anyway). I know that having those fruits and vegetables shortened the duration and intensity of the cold, that the cold wasn't able to really grab onto me. Interesting how that happened just in time, eh. :)

Drive-Thru

2008-02-29T01:38:00.003-05:00

There's too much going on and it's too late to write much. I'll have to add it to the list of things I want to write about...

Thought I'd tell you something funny, though (for a change of pace, here).

I was working at the drive-thru window for the very first time. I had no idea what I was doing and everyone was too busy to teach me anything, so I just smiled a lot and hoped for the best.

There's a motion sensor at the window so the window opens when you stand against the sensor. It stays open until you move away. Well, I thought that all you had to do was stand in front of it, not right against the thing.

A car pulled up...

I had the order ready.

I stood against the sensor.

The window opened.

It's all good. I start to hand the order to the customer in the car, but as I leaned over, my hip was no longer against the sensor.

The window closed...

... with me still hanging outside.

Should have seen the looks on the faces of the customers!

I bet the look on my face was pretty funny, too.

Then... it happened again. (...images of Homer Simpson touching the stove five times... doh! doh! doh! ...)

I was afraid of that darned window until someone could explain to me that you always have to be right up on that sensor.

Would have made an embarrassing You-Tube.

Security expert attacked by Drive-Thru window. Oh, yeah. Real smart.

Tumbling Down

2008-02-28T00:35:00.003-05:00

And the walls came tumbling down....

in a very bad way.

My son lost his apartment. As of Friday, he has to be out, no place to put his furniture, has to figure out what to do with his cat... He's crushed and so am I.

I have given so much to strangers over time that now I don't have the means to help my own child. I never thought we would be here.

I can't tell you what it's like to watch your child's spirit and self esteem be crushed and be powerless to help him.

I was expecting income from two different sources - neither came through as they should have.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Trading Problems

2008-02-26T01:24:00.000-05:00

It's just after 1am and I get to go to bed - imagine that. And I don't have to get up until 6am.

Not much to say today - worked hard (still made zero dollars, but it's gotta pay off sooner or later, one way or another, right?)

Made arrangements to have a truckload of the ex-tenant's garbage taken away. The company doing the work is a new company, which is part of why I gave them my business. I'll be talking to the owner tomorrow - a new contact perhaps?

Gosh... never before have I seen meeting people as making "contacts". Not sure I like that thinking so much...

My son called - He's run into more difficulty. I wasn't much help except to calm him down a bit (after I'd frustrated him) and get him to think more broadly. Sometimes that boy says or does things and I wonder who raised him... Then again, he's the same boy who told his grade 1 teacher that mothers sew things for their kids. The teacher thought that was just grand - I don't know where he got that idea since even at that age he knew his mother could barely sew on a button!

Puppy threw up on my bed. She's okay, though. It's not so bad... was an excuse to put on fresh sheets - which I'm looking forward to crawling into soon. :)

Thanked God for everything today (I think so, anyway) and recognized that there is so much of Him that I just do not see. I wonder if He gets frustrated with us. I wonder if He sometimes looks at us and shakes His head and thinks, "Where do my kids GET these IDEAS?!! What are they THINKING?!!"

Yep - If God could go crazy, we'd be enough to drive Him there.

In the morning we're doing paperwork for the re-financing. If you could remember, please pray that it all goes smoothly. I do not believe that God wants me to lose my home. I do believe I need His help in some pretty big ways.

Tomorrow night I might even have time to do something in my kitchen... That would be nice. I'm not working the second job because the restaurant is undergoing some renovations. Smaller paycheck for me, which is bad; But a bit of a break and a chance to catch up, which is good.

I was telling my boy today, we just exchange one set of problems for another. We just gotta keep trying to solve them, and choose, when we can, the set of problems we want to have.

I keep getting the sense that, in spite of how bad it all seems, that something's going to happen... something's going to change for the better - but I don't know what or how. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking. .... still... there's this strange feeling of positive anticipation and I don't know where it's coming from....

Worth It

2008-02-25T01:20:00.000-05:00

I'd been thinking that my life had become petty because I wasn't doing enough to help other people and I've been thinking more about basic survival rather than anything deeper. But maybe it's not so petty... maybe God will use this time anyway - if I let Him.

Tonight at the night job I was having a conversation with a 17-year-old boy. I quite like this boy and he and I have a lot of conversations. It started out a while back when he had been very frustrated and angry over a situation where he had been demeaned and hurt and felt powerless. He'd wanted to explode in anger and retaliate. Instead, he chose to wait out the situation and then talk about it. He had chosen to talk about it to me. So we had this conversation about choices, about recognizing one's own feelings and thoughts, about empathy, about differences among people, about why people do some of the things they do, about personal responsibility, etc, etc. I had pointed out to him that he did indeed make a choice - a positive one - and told him I respected the choice that he'd made. You should have seen it - You could see the lights go on in his eyes. That was the first of many conversations we've had.

As it turns out, this boy wants to be a police officer. Right now he is facing all sorts of situations and choices which could make or break him in terms of his dreams. We're talking about those. We're talking about options and opportunities. No one has really talked to him that way before; Some people just assume that kids learn this stuff on their own. It occurred to me tonight that perhaps God is using me for this boy. If my care for him and the time spent with him can influence him to make a positive choice or avoid a bad one or make him feel like he has a real shot at life, like he's worth something... well, to me that's worth a lot of sleep deprivation and blisters on my feet. Jesus had to die; I don't have to go nearly that far.

The subjects that came up tonight were cars, money, credit cards, guys who are afraid of girls, anti-Semitism, asphyxia, sexual deviance, and... God. Not too many adults would have that kind topical diversity in a conversation. I'm grateful that this boy trusts me enough to talk to me like this. I'm grateful that I'm comfortable in discussing these things. I'm grateful that God opens these doors. I'm grateful that God has given me this responsibility, but I recognize I need Him in order to make it work the way it ought to.

And I'm grateful for my puppy who just snuck in here (as if I'm not going to see her), grabbed something out of the garbage basket and ran away - haha!

God, please bless teenagers and dogs. Please bless messed up people (including me, please). Please bless everyone who searches for answers, who needs a little peace, a little help, a little strength, a little wisdom. Please bless all of those who work hard and those who try even if they fail. God please bless my friends, and thank You for them.

And God, please save my home and my animals. Please bless my business. I'm willing to work hard, but I still need You more than anything else.

Amen

Gotta try to catch some z's now; I have court first thing in the morning.

Thank you to everyone reading and commenting and walking through this with me.

It's Not The Same

2008-02-24T00:50:00.000-05:00

I didn't go.

I can't believe it. I was looking forward to going to church and I didn't go.

I couldn't fall asleep until 3am again. This has happened before in recent times.... When I got up, my throat was swollen and killing me and I had a doozy of a headache. What is this?! I can't afford to be sick. I went back to bed. My glands are still pretty swollen and the head still hurts, but not as bad as this morning and my throat isn't hurting so much. So I'm telling myself that I'm not sick - but I should eat those oranges my friend gave to me.

Yes, I know I can worship without going to church; I can read and pray without going to church; with all that the internet has to offer I can even get the benefit of a sermon without going to church; I can serve others and serve Christ without going to church. These things are not limited to church; They're part of daily living anyway.

Still... it's not the same.

There's something about going to church that's important. There are human connections that wouldn't take place without it; There's the difference in dynamic when worshipping; There's someone else's take on a sermon or scripture passage; And I think... I'm not sure, but I think there is something that happens in the spiritual realm when believers get together like that. It's something good. I also believe that not going to church eventually makes one vulnerable.

That's just my thinking, anyway.

A Day Off

2008-02-23T17:54:00.004-05:00

I'd been worried that something would happen to take away my first and only day off in more than a month, but the day off did come, so I'm grateful.

This morning I even slept in!

When I got up, I found that the dogs had pooped and peed everywhere - including on the couch. They had also got into the garbage and there was garbage everywhere. Of course they couldn't confine the garbage to just one room. Oh noooo... It's much more fun to drag it around from room to room and play with it all! They must have had a blast, and mommy here slept through it all.

Once I figured out that they hadn't eaten anything poisonous, I was mad at them (for about three minutes - which is a long time to be mad at these two).

It took a good hour to clean it all up.

I went and bought the paper, sat in front of the tv with coffee and a crossword puzzle. Very nice :)

I got some laundry done and got a bit of cleaning done in my room and the bathroom - nothing heavy duty, though, which is fine, since it is a day off after all.

Ate a cheese and tomato sandwich - yummy!

Purposely stayed away from my office and emails.

While I was downstairs doing laundry a tenant (the one who was mad 'cause she couldn't shower when she wanted) asked me if she could borrow my carpet cleaner. (I'd offered to clean her carpet a month ago and she'd declined because it wasn't vacuumed. The only vacuum available was the one of mine that she broke last summer)

Anyway, when she asked to borrow the carpet cleaner, I said "no". She looked utterly stunned.

She asked why.

(Do I need a reason? Why do I feel compelled to even answer?)

I told her it was because she'd already broken my vacuum and I wasn't going to then lend her a very expensive machine that I don't even have paid off yet.

She was furious. She stormed off and now is not speaking to me.

Am I missing something? Did I do something wrong here?

Perhaps she thought she was doing me a favour by cleaning the carpet in her room. But does that mean that I don't have the right to say no to lend her a machine that isn't even paid for yet when she broke and didn't replace another expensive appliance previously?

I'm having trouble believing I did something so terrible as to justify that kind of anger from her.

... trying not to think about how I'm going to pay the bills and fix that one empty room without any rental income....

I still have this evening off.

I didn't do much today. How come I'm still tired?

Well, in any event, I'm still very glad to have this day and this break!

Don't know what I'm going to do tonight - maybe nothing! hee hee!

Mouse

2008-02-22T02:58:00.001-05:00

Got out of the night job late again - and the only reason I got out was because I left. I'm tired yet my body is still in work mode. I'll do some breathing exercises and focusing exercises in a little while.

So, I'm just going to jot down what the day was like. I haven't had a minute to really think about much.

At some point I want to write about the concept of "simply accepting"; also what I mentioned before about sowing and reaping. Also thinking about this whole concept of "The Law of Attraction" and why I think it's dangerous. That's a big one, though and I don't know if I'll get to it.

I had court this morning - I didn't have to prepare because I didn't have to speak or anything, but I was still supposed to be there (for reasons that are irrelevant to this post). I left nice and early, figuring I'd leave lots of room to get stuck in traffic (which is always the way with rush hour). I even thought I might get there early enough to visit with the courthouse chaplain before court started.

Nope. Accidents, a car fire (no, not my car- Hey "P" - Do you remember the time I set myself on fire when I was driving? hahaha!), and people slowing down to look at what was going on with the traffic coming the opposite way made the drive impossible. Over two hours when it should have taken 40 minutes. Over two hours and I still wasn't even close to the courthouse. I had missed it even before I could get there.

Was ticked off at the situation and upset with myself because it was important to me that I get there and I didn't make it. I hate failure.

Went home to get changed and got a call from someone I'd been talking to about the business - He knows a gazillion people and I want him to understand what we do. I also think I can learn from him.

He wanted to stop by my house for coffee. I said yes.

Put the kettle on to prepare for my new way of making coffee.

Did the "dash-and-stash" to hide the mess somewhat. (gotta remember not to turn on the oven before I empty it - ha!)

Had a nice visit. Talked about a lot of stuff. He told me about some situations where he'd met people half way even when he was certain he was right. I thought that was good. Too often I go all the way even when others are wrong and I'm right - and then they expect it again and again - and then I end up getting mad and finally push them back and they don't understand what happened and I end up as the bad guy. I like the meeting them half-way even if they're wrong but not necessarily giving away the farm approach. I'll have to practice that one.

Worked at the day job.

Got an email from a friend who referred me to her employer re our services. Should I hope? I'm certain I could help them - will have to send them some info and then wait and see.

Called my sister - her birthday today - nice conversation.

Looked in my fridge - just to look in it 'cause it's full.

Looked at the hydro bill. I can't pay it. So frustrated and worried.

Threw the hydro bill on the table and went and looked in the fridge again. Yep. There's really food in there.

Went to the night job. Manager tried to pull the same crap again with the staying ridiculously late. I knew that was going to happen. I left anyway - (her boss and the boss above that boss told me ahead of time that we should all just leave) - but the other employees felt bad, so they stayed and waited for her. Then I felt bad. I keep reminding myself that all of these people are making choices and those choices are not my fault. Still feel bad, though.

Prayed for them all. Prayed for my friends (including you who are reading). Prayed for my boy and my animals. I love them all. I prayed for me a little, too.

By the way - what's-his-name did email me like I predicted. Just one sentence -"You'll never hear from me again". That's his way of letting me know he's erasing me. That's the result I was aiming for, but it still wasn't easy to take.

"Don't throw your pearls to swine" - yeah, that could apply here.

I feel like a mouse in a maze.

Look at how petty my life has become.

Buying Into A Lie?

2008-02-20T12:33:00.004-05:00

... still thinking about why it's so hard for me to take and why, when I do get something I feel like I ought to give it away....

I think they are two separate questions and may or may not be related to each other.

A commenter referred to a book on co-dependence. I've read that book and a number of others related to co-dependence and am absolutely certain that's not the issue/problem for me.

I do know that part of the issue is fear - fear of being a bad person, fear of being a bad Christian, fear of hurting others in ways that some have hurt me, fear of becoming someone I don't like.

Is it important to understand why I feel that fear? I don't know. Whether I figure out why or not, I do need to change what's happening here and now.

Another question came to mind today. That is "Have I unwittingly bought into the lie that so many people believe?" The lie I'm talking about is the "the world owes me a living" kind of thinking that allows my tenant to destroy my home and feel no remorse, that allows people to call churches ostensibly looking for baby formula (when really they want money for something else), that allows people to demand what they have no right to, that allows people to steal, cheat, lie and defraud their way through life.

You all know I have not bought into that lie for myself; I do not think the world owes me a living, that's for sure. I even have trouble asking for things that are legitimately owed to me. But that doesn't necessarily mean I haven't bought into this lie on some level. Somewhere inside, do I think that those who believe the world owes them are right? Do I think that as part of their world that I somehow owe them?

I bet that sounds weird.... but it's something I'm pondering.

Another question: Do I think I don't deserve to be okay? No, I don't think that. Do I think I deserve to struggle like this? Actually, no, I don't think that either. But it does bring up another question. If people around me are suffering, do I think it's okay for me not to suffer, too? That's different from deserving to suffer, different from not deserving to be okay. It reminds me of the old - "Don't you know there are kids starving in Africa" line. I think it's a rich variation of survivor guilt. And I think the answer is yes. So I'm going to have to think on that one some more.

If it's a form of survivor guilt, it would explain why I get so angry at those who do think the world owes them a living. (Guilt and anger are closely tied together, for those of you who didn't already know that).

hmmm....

Hard To Give To - Part 2

2008-02-19T15:47:00.006-05:00

Recap: Saturday I was grateful for what I do have and thinking I'd be having to eat only oatmeal soon, but was still grateful because I recognized that God is still providing for me and still holding me up. I've come to think that He even holds me up by helping me in the way I think.

Sunday: The neighbour said, "It IS the police, and nobody died!"

The neighbour helped my friend to my door. This poor woman didn't even get both feet in the door before I said, "What are you doing?! I worked all night, I have to work today and all I wanted was to sleep!"

She said she was sorry, that she wasn't going to stay. She said she had some things for me and that she knew I wouldn't want her to give me anything or do anything for me and that she struggled with it all night because it was just too hard for her to stand by and do nothing.

I know that feeling. What could I say?

Of course I let her in. There was no way I was going to reject her.

I was embarrassed about the state of my house. Housework is something I've done very little of since I've started all of this. And of course the dogs jumped all over her - these aren't tiny little dogs, either.

I told her in a tone that was... mmm... animated? excited? "My coffee maker is broken and I have no milk, so I can't even offer you a cup of coffee!" (Funny, half asleep and embarrassed I'd momentarily forgotten that I had figured out a way to make coffee).

She said it didn't matter.

She told me that she was prepared for whatever reaction I might have, and that she had brought me fresh fruits and vegetables and reimbursement for gas money ('cause I'd done something for her before) and I could be mad as I wanted but it was just TOO BAD! She was doing this and I was taking it and that's that! The tears welled up in her eyes and streaked down one cheek.

Whoah.

What have I done to my friend? How I made her struggle because I am so unaccepting of being given things.

I'm so afraid of taking too much, of taking people for granted, of taking advantage of people, that I actually take away something else from them.

Ouch.

We talked.

I'm crying as I write this. I know that feeling of helplessness when you watch someone you love go through something and you can't do anything. I know what she felt. I know that when it comes to these things I'm a real pain. I see that rejection of a gift can feel like rejection of the giver.

I wanted her to understand that she'd already given me a great gift by simply being herself and by being my friend. Friendship, somebody caring, somebody listening, somebody understanding, means more to me than all of the material things in the world. I wanted her to understand that she didn't have to do anything for me. I wanted her to understand that I didn't need her to fix things for me or give material things to me.

But I was the one who didn't understand. Maybe I didn't need for her to do this, but SHE needed her to do this. (make sense?)

Remember my friend who made me all of those casseroles and the stew? I offered to pay her. I was so concerned about taking too much, taking something for nothing, taking for granted, etc... She has a way of telling me "no" (as in she's not letting me pay her) that must be listened to. It's a very nice way, very polite, but you just know not to mess with her. haha! It did make me start to think, though about this issue of receiving. Clearly I didn't think about it enough. Clearly I still have an "issue" that is not the fault or responsibility of those who care about me.

The same woman who gave me the casseroles also made it very clear to me that I was not to take what she gave me and turn around and give it away. I finally "get" that. If I gave my sister a dollar and she turned around and gave away 50 cents, even though she needed that whole dollar, I'd be upset. Yet when someone gives me a dollar, I have this thing in my head that I SHOULD give away 50 cents. I'm not sure where this comes from, but I think it's not a right way of thinking. I don't think everyone else should give away what they have if they need it - just me. When a "rule" applies to everyone else except me, then I know it can't be correct.

My friend and I ended up having a few laughs before I had to go to work. And the ice turned to water just in time.

My friend had brought food for my pets. A lot of people forget about pets and how important they are. You know, even before things got this bad, a guy suggested to me that I get rid of my pets (and he would be happy to take my dogs for me), in order to save money. That's like asking me to give up my children. He also told me not to buy them food, but to just give them table scraps. He said farmers do it and that's how farm dogs survive. Well, first off, he's assuming that there ARE table scraps to give them in the first place, and that those table scraps don't contain anything toxic to dogs (a number of things that humans eat will kill a dog). Secondly, the dogs need proper nutrition, too. I see these animals as gifts from God. They are vulnerable and God has entrusted them to my care - I will take care of them (with His help, now I've learned). Besides, I love them like nobody's business. So that was a big deal to me that my friend remembered my furbabies.

She had brought me four grocery bags full of fresh fruit and vegetables - just when I thought I'd be having that oatmeal. The "gas money" was far more than I'd spent on gas and parking. I told her that, but knew better than to argue about it.

So God DID give me a gourmet buffet. And I have a lot to learn about receiving things, never mind doing it gracefully.

You know, that broken-back feeling has been coming back. Every time it does, I quietly say, "No, no" - not a fearful "no" - more like a command, like "get away from me". In the recent past I would not have even tried that. I would have simply accepted the pain and tried to find a way to cope. There's a difference in thinking there. I was thinking about that this morning and noticed that when pain comes, I just accept it, but that when something good comes I have trouble accepting it. I can think of some reasons for why that is, but I'm not sure I truly know the answer(s) as to why. It's become clear to me that I need to figure this out. I'm hard to give to and that causes those I love the most to suffer in ways. (This is hard for me to admit, especially because my intention has been the opposite of the result.) By being this way, am I rejecting what God Himself offers me? By so readily accepting pain and being so fearful and tentative about accepting the good stuff, am I sabotaging myself unwittingly? Is this part of that "curse" or a result of other things? Why do I think like this? How do I change it? How do I learn to accept without becoming like those who act like the world owes them a living? I don't even know where to draw the lines; I have no frame of reference for that because I've been this way for as long as I remember.

I'm not even sure where to go next in my thinking.

Comments, even tough ones, are welcome.

It's Coming!!!!

2008-02-19T02:24:00.001-05:00

Yes, I will do part 2 of the last post - but will do it sometime during the day tomorrow (really today).

In preparation for that story, I'll tell you that on Saturday when I was packing my lunch, some of that meatball dish my friend gave to me, I was thinking about how grateful I was to have that. I was remembering a time when I ate nothing but oatmeal for two months. Two meals a day - both oatmeal - for two months because that's all I could manage. I remember being soooo sick of oatmeal, but grateful that I had something. And now, even in the current situation, so far I haven't gone a day without a meal and have not had to eat only oatmeal or only rice (did that one for a while, too) for weeks or months in a row. You know, there are people who won't have the same thing two days in a row, never mind two months.

Anyway, the whole thing reminded me of the story of Manna from heaven. The Israelites were so grateful, but got pretty sick of eating just that. God got mad and basically said, 'okay, if you want meat, you'll get so much that you'll be sick of that, too'. So He sent quail (I think - too lazy to look it up....) and they got sick of that, too.

God never promised that He would give us a gourmet buffet every day.

I've been figuring I would have start with the oatmeal pretty soon and that I'm very lucky that I haven't had to do that thus far. Still, I figured it's coming, but it's still something. I still won't starve and die like some people do. So, I said a prayer. I said I was sorry for all the times I've been less than grateful. I said thanks for what I have. I said that even when I have to resort to the oatmeal, that I'm grateful and told God "thank you" ahead of time for that. That was Saturday afternoon.

Now... re the title of this post....

.... oooooohhhhhh I'm so excited!

ha!

It's coming!!!!

I found out that.....

..... are ya ready?.... (hehe)

I'm going to get A DAY OFF!!!!

Yes!

A WHOLE day! A whole day off!

Yep! This Saturday!

Yes!! WOOHOOO!!!!

A whole day off!!!! YAY!!!!

What should I do with it? I don't know!

Here are some things I could do with it. Let me know what you think, 'cause I don't even know what the best thing to do is...

I could:
- get caught up on housework
- sleep (but then my day would be gone)
- clean and organize my office
- play a video game
- take the dogs for a walk
- groom the kitties
- prepare a week's worth of meals and freeze them
- laze around in my pajamas and watch movies all day
- give myself a home spa kinda thing (soak the old feet, manicure, do my hair...)
- get up whenever I feel like it and linger over coffee and a crossword
- get caught up on some stuff re the day job
- bake something (I think I have stuff to do that...)

Any other ideas?

What should I pick?

Can I really take the day off? If I'm not productive, will I struggle with that? Will I think about all the things I should be doing? How do I mentally prepare for a day off so that it can be a real day off?

Anyone?

Hard To Give To - Part 1

2008-02-18T12:08:00.005-05:00

I'm a little lost at the day job today. What I've been doing hasn't worked well enough for me, so I have to do something different. I did have a plan, which I'd started on, but it requires a great deal of time, I no longer have an assistant (can't afford one), and so I'm thinking about whether to implement the plan partially or to change it altogether. Since I can't just sit here, I'll let the back of my mind work on the problem while I tell you about what else happened yesterday.

Sunday morning: I worked Saturday night and didn't get to bed until 5am. I felt like crap and, knowing I had to work Sunday afternoon and Sunday night, decided I would try to get some sleep. I don't know what time it was by the time my body wound down and I fell asleep, but I don't think it was too too long.

Dogs were jumping all over me at 7:30 am. They really needed to go out. I took them out (gotta do it one at a time). I went back to bed.

The phone rang. I'm not going to answer it.

People are moving about downstairs. I try to tune them out.

I fall asleep and hear banging on my door. It must be one of those door to door salespeople. I'm not getting up for that.

A few minutes (I think) goes by.

More banging. God, make them go away, I have to sleep.

A few more minutes...

More banging. Is that my front door or someone in my kitchen? What if it's my son? What if something's wrong? No... my son would just come right in to my room.

What if there's a huge problem with the house? I don't hear any commotion... Do I smell smoke? Is the house on fire? Nope. Forget it; They can write me a note. I'm tired of jumping at everyone else's request. I so need to sleep.

Then there's HUGE banging, jolting. Like the kind of banging that the police do when they really need to get someone's attention.

Could it be the police? A problem in the neighbourhood? An emergency? Oh, my goodness, there's no reason for the police to be at my door unless someone died. I have to get up.

I stumble to the door, forgetting to grab a robe to cover my Winnie-the-Pooh pajamas. I glance out the window. How many police cars are out there? None.

Crap. Not the police, so who could be banging my door like that?! I'm seriously annoyed now.

I didn't try to hide my annoyance when I stood behind the door and bellowed, "WHO IS IT!"

"It's me from next door" shouts my neighbour (who happens to be a police officer).

I open the door, now actually trying to hide the frustration and annoyance I feel, which seethes out of me anyway....

"Hi, how are ya." (but I bark it out rather than say it) ..... telling myself to unfurrow my brow....

"There's a lady in your driveway. She says she's a friend of yours and she's driven here all the way from Toronto. She walks with a cane and the sidewalks are sheet ice because of the freezing rain. Do you want me to help her to the door?"

"What?! No one from Toronto is coming to see me! I've worked all night! I'm not expecting anyone! It must be a mistake!"

He stands there blinking.

Why can't I stop scowling? My facial expression betrays me so often.

Why, when I was trying to say something in a normal tone of voice did it come out sounding so awful? Ugh.

I look at him - he's still standing there blinking - doesn't know quite what to do. He's never seen me behave like this. Poor guy is just trying to help. He saw a lady with a cane trying to walk on sheet ice, having driven a long way, she can't drive back due to the condition of the roads and he's a nice guy - can't let her break her neck, can't leave her sitting in her car in an ice storm. He also wants to help his neighbour. He's busy, has to go out... none of this is his fault yet here he is being scowled at by his neighbour who he was just trying to help.

Oh.... I can be such a b-e-o-t-c-h!!

"What does she look like?" I ask.

He's completely thrown off. He starts to describe her. I peek and see the car.

Blasted. It's not a mistake. I know who it is and she DID drive all the way from Toronto and it IS the middle of an ice-storm. She IS my friend and I love her, so why do I still feel so miserable?! What's wrong with me?! I'm actually glad to see her, but still soooo tired.

I look at my neighbour again. He's staring at me. He looks like a little kid who just got in trouble; He looks a little bewildered.

He said, "I salted your sidewalk and your steps, but it's still all ice. I really have to go out. Do you want me to help this lady?"

Me: "Well, I certainly can't leave her there and I'm not going to make her drive all the way back to Toronto without seeing her. She really is a friend of mine. I just don't know what in the heck she is doing." (Notice how rude I am - I don't even thank him for salting the sidewalk or trying to help!)

Him: "I'm sorry I banged so loudly on your door. Your friend said she'd tried, but you didn't answer."

Me: "It's okay. I was trying to get some sleep. I worked nights."

Him: "Yeah, I figured something like that."

Me: "Man! I thought 'It's the police and someone has died!'"

He raised his voice, partly making light of the situation and partly releasing some energy, I think, and he said:

"Ya... Well it IS the police! And no, nobody died."

Part 2 is coming.

Privilege Is Invisible

2008-02-18T01:30:00.000-05:00

Lots happened today, but the body is tired and the brain is saying "SLEEP!", so I'll just jot down the brief stuff that I don't have to think about.

A man came into the restaurant tonight. I said "hello", he said, "Hello, I'm so pleased to see you."

But the way he said it was... I dunno... weird or strange... not usual.

My intuition told me that there was going to be something important about the interaction with this elderly man. That sense that something was about to happen was so strong... I was curious.

The scene was like something you'd see in a movie where someone appears and turns out to be an angel in need of earning his wings, or an alien who'd come from a pod and snatched a human body. Of course, I only thought this stuff - wouldn't dare say something crazy like that out loud.

I wasn't the person taking orders, so I went back to doing my own work.

The woman who was taking orders - I'll call her Chitra (not her real name) - came to me and told me that the man specifically asked that I be the one to take his order. I thought that odd, but went to take his order.

Chitra is one of those people who is so sweet that even the grouchiest people are softened by her. Know her for five minutes and you can't help but like her.

The man started to give me his order, then told me that the reason he wanted me to take his order was that he could not understand Chitra and that she could not understand him. Still, it took me a minute to see what was really going on. Chitra does have an accent and does speak quietly, so I thought maybe the guy couldn't hear her or didn't want to bother trying to understand her. As he spoke, I waited to hear his accent. I was waiting to hear why it was that Chitra couldn't understand this man.... But he didn't have an accent or a speech impediment... Then I realized what was happening.

He wouldn't even let her put his order in the bag!

Why? Not because she's Indian, but because he is a racist.

I was furious.

I felt powerless.

I can't imagine how Chitra felt.

She was polite. I was just this side of civil. The other staff and customers stood there with their mouths hanging open. Nobody could believe what they were seeing and hearing.

At least half of our staff tonight would fit into the category of "visible minority". Except I don't see them that way. I see them as my co-workers; I see them as people I care about; I see them for the individuals they are and the colour of their skin or the shape of their eyes don't impact my feelings toward them any more than the colour of their hair or eyes.

I wanted to scream at that man. There were a lot of things I wanted to say to him. I wanted to throw him out of our store and tell him never to come back - but I did not have the power to do that.

I went to the manager and told her what happened. I could not hide my outrage by that point even if I'd wanted to. I asked her for permission to throw him out, to refuse to serve him if he came back. She said I could.

That guy better not come back.

I paced and thought about all of the things I wish I'd said.

I went to Chitra and, in front of everyone, said I was so sorry for what had happened and that it was all so wrong. I told her I was sorry I didn't throw the guy out.

You know what she said?! "It's okay, I'm use to it."

Use to it?! No one should ever have to get use to that crap! It shouldn't happen enough that anyone would become accustomed to it.

Yeah, yeah, I know these things happen all of the time. But the fact that it happens all the time is MORE reason to be upset and outraged and I just don't accept a "live with it 'cause that's the way it is" kind of attitude.

And I agree that perhaps it's easy for me to say that because I am white and I don't have to put up with that every day of my life like some people. Nobody crosses the street to avoid me because they think I'm going to rob them - based on my skin colour; Nobody leaves a room because they think I'm going to give them a disease - based on my skin colour. I know what sexism feels like; I don't know what it feels like in combination with racism and/or ableism, and/ or homophobia, etc.

Privilege is invisible.

A Letter and a Message

2008-02-17T02:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I wrote that letter to management - very respectful but still letting them know that I need them to keep their promises re scheduling if I'm to be able to continue to do the shifts that they want. I handed the letter to the manager and she said, "What's this? Is it bad? Am I going to be upset?"

I said, "Well, I don't know how you're going to feel."

She said, "What is it about? What does it say?"

I explained it. She said that what happened shouldn't have happened that way. In as pleasant a tone as I could muster (without coming across as weak, either) I said I knew that, but that I couldn't have it happen again. She looked at her shoes and nodded.

Then she told me that the senior boss confirmed my promotion to management. There are some formalities that have to be done, such as a second interview with a corporate manager and a credit check. (Neither of those will be a problem for me.) But this will take several weeks because of illnesses and holidays.

I wondered if I should try to get that letter back, wondered if it would make the manager change her mind about the promotion. I decided that the facts are the facts and that the letter was very respectful, so I would let it stand and let the chips fall where they fall.

Later I saw her reading and re-reading the letter. Why is she reading it over and over? What's going through that head of hers? There's something more than just the letter that she's thinking about. I tiptoed away so she wouldn't see me seeing her.

Then she approached me about it. She confided in me that the reason we were kept so late those times was because the particular manager likes to stay late so she can get paid overtime. She said a number of other things about that manager, most of which had the ring of truth to them (but without actual evidence I'm not prepared to judge one way or the other). My response was to listen, and listen, and occasionally say, "I see". If this is about personality conflicts and politics, I'm not putting myself in the middle of it.

I understood then, why she was re-reading the letter. She wasn't thinking about my words so much as she was trying to decide on her words and how much she could confide in me. She didn't ask me to take a stand one way or another and I was glad for that.

Later, she told me "When you are manager you won't have to stay so late because you will do your job. When you are manager you just go ahead and let everyone go, and go ahead and leave at the right time."

She said a number of other things that started with "When you are manager..."

I'd say it looks pretty good. It means another $1.50 per hour. It means no more scrubbing public toilets. (which is probably good for the males in the public; I still haven't figured out a way to properly clean a urinal without actually touching it. haha! You should see some of the things I try! I bet a whole episode of a sitcom could be made based on that alone!)

****

What's-his-name left me a message. This guy must think I'm a dim-wit and he's a genius.

Does anyone remember the Scott Peterson trial? What's-his-name reminds me of Scott Peterson. His arrogance will be his undoing.

Anyway, the message included the line, "I understand if it's hard for you to talk to me...."

Ugh.

He meant to push a button and it worked - except it didn't work the way he wanted. This is where my training and experience with predators comes in handy. I'm going to tell you about this because it's something that I want my female friends to know about. This tactic is common yet not taught to women.

The tactic is for the predator/manipulator to toss out a very subtle insult or some other thing that he knows you are going to want to disprove. The prey naturally reacts in a way to somehow show that the statement or insult is not true or that she does not fit a stereotype. This is a normal reaction, but can have terrible consequences, depending on the goal of the manipulator.

Example: "Most women wouldn't help out a guy in need of _____" (then you give him a ride, walk somewhere with him and now you're isolated; "You're not the kind of person who would ______" (again, you give up something, give up a little control, get isolated) These are blatant examples. How obvious they appear to you depends on a number of factors.

In this case, what's-his-name is not trying to murder me, but the tactic is the same nonetheless. It's manipulation.

What's-his-name's primary message is NOT that he's being understanding; It's that I'm weak and would have a hard time talking to him. He knows that I wouldn't like to be perceived as weak. He knows that something that appears to be "understanding" or "compassionate" or "respectful" on his part will appeal to my personality. If I accused him of manipulating, he could claim that he was merely being understanding of my needs.

Nope - that's NOT what he's doing.

Here's what he wants: He wants me to say that it's not hard for me to talk to him, thereby giving him a sort of permission to continue calling and opening up two-way communication. He wants my attention and he wants to regain control over the interactions.

Here's what he got: An email from me (that I would be happy for anyone to see), stating that it is not hard for me to talk to him and not hard for me not to talk to him. I said I had no interest in hearing anything from him regardless of what he had to say because I cannot believe anything he says anyway. My attitude and tone were ho-hum-i-don't-feel-a-thing, have-a-nice-life.

Here's what I'm expecting will happen: An angry, indignant email (which I won't read but will get one of my staff to read, just in case), and then nothing. There's a slight chance he'll show up at my house to drop off some things I left at his house ages ago (it would be his way of making a statement).

Of course the other option for me would have been to continue to ignore him. That would have eventually worked, but this way will be quicker. If he had been a real stalker (he's not and a number of things indicate that he's not), my best bet would have been to completely ignore him (while having someone else track and analyze the communications).

So, if someone uses that tactic on you (salesmen actually use it a lot - maybe that's why I can't sell - I won't use the tactics), and the person is NOT a stalker, then you can respond but make sure that you don't give him the response HE wants; Give the response that's BEST FOR YOU.

If the person using such a tactic is a stalker - get professional advice from either a threat assessment professional (a real one) or someone highly skilled in forensic behavioural science (like the FBI "profilers").

Ahhhhh......

2008-02-16T16:22:00.003-05:00

I only worked the one job yesterday. ahhh... a break.

I did plan to work at night on some stuff that I haven't had time to do, but never did get around to it. BUT I did do some housework and laundry. ahh.... clean (well, okay... not clean, but better at least). Put fresh sheets on my bed. That felt good.

My friend made me a big casserole dish full of meatballs and rice with sauce. I don't know what's in that sauce, but man, is it good! I took one bite and then gobbled up a big bowl full. Yummy! Grateful to my friend and grateful to God for the meal and for my friend.

Played with the dogs. Yay! That's important to me.

My son called, distraught and frightened. He said, "Mom, I've hit a hard, hard wall. I've been given an eviction notice and I don't have the money."

He went on to tell me how he has been waiting for an EI cheque that he was supposed to have received a month ago. He went right to the government office to check on it and make sure there wasn't something else he was supposed to do. The woman told him that everything was fine, he was all up to date and there would be no problem. Later he found out that everything was not fine, that someone made a mistake somewhere and information he'd submitted was lost. The cheque he'd been waiting for was never issued. By the time it takes to re-submit his information and get it through their process, another month will have gone by and it will be too late to avoid eviction.

It hurts so much not to be able to help my child. I can't even explain what that's like.

I thought about how he'd received prayer yet these things continue to happen. (oh... and the attitude of the EI staff re their error was "oh, well"! They don't care about the impact of their mistake on a human being's life.)

I thought back to the fall when I truly believed that things were going to turn around and then how it got worse instead of better.

Neat trick. If you really believe something and then it doesn't happen, it's very hard to believe again in the future.

I've decided to believe and pursue anyway. God is still good regardless of my circumstances.

Today my son told me that he's figured out a way to work enough to cover the rent arrears. He'll be behind for two months, but after that it should be okay if EI does what they're supposed to do. (He works a full time job and a part time job)

Last night the fresh sheets on the bed looked so inviting that I crawled in instead of working. I did some cross-stitch for a half an hour (yay - I've been working on this thing for my nephew since last summer), and rested. ahhh.... rest...

I slept in! Well, sort of... The dogs needed to go out at 7am. But I was still able to go back to bed afterwards and catch a few more z's.

Ahhh.... sleep!

Going to eat some more meatballs and get some laundry done before I have to go work at the restaurant.

Ahhh... meatballs and sauce... :)

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Nope

2008-02-15T11:26:00.002-05:00

The night job people called me in early and kept me late. Supposed to get out at 1am but it was closer to 3am.

Had to push to get my break.

Worked again with a woman who criticizes everyone - she says she's "just helping". I don't believe it. Did my job, helped the manager, helped on everyone else's job. I actually don't mind; What I minded was sweating and working like mad while some others lollygagged. I minded having the wicked stepmother literally standing over my shoulder telling what to do and then telling me it was wrong (when I knew it wasn't).

I was sweeping the floor, which is the-wicked-stepmother's job anyway, and she was walking behind me inspecting, looking hard for anything I might have missed. If she has time to follow me around and criticize, why does she not have time to just sweep the floor herself? I thought it sad that this (criticism and bossing) is one of the few ways in her life that she can gain any sense of power. I also thought, "One more word out of her and I'm handing her this broom and walking away." (I'd been putting up with it all night) Of course she did it again. I chose to pray silently instead of causing a fuss.

The manager expected a ride home - which means an extra 30 minutes before I can go home to bed. (They all know I have to get up at 5 or 6 am). She didn't ask me - just expected it. I like her and don't mind doing such things for people. I don't even mind being inconvenienced or sacrificing for people. But I do mind when they do have other options and choose not to use them. I do mind when they don't bother to even ask me, yet expect a sacrifice.

Then I "snapped". This is my version of "snapping", anyway. I left. I left her standing in the parking lot with my co-workers. It's not that they should have to take care of it, either... I also knew they wouldn't leave her alone there, that they'd wait until her family member could come or a cab could come.

I felt guilty. It's not the fault of my co-workers. It's not their responsibility and I don't see why they should have to suffer. It's not fair to them. But so often I take on things that are not fair to me because I don't want to see someone else suffer something that's not fair to them, either. I have to remember that the reason my co-workers had to deal with this is not because I wouldn't give the ride - it's because the manager didn't take care of herself to begin with. If she had asked for a ride, she would have known the answer was no and could have made alternate arrangements earlier. (I also knew that her family member had just talked to her on the phone so would be available for her).

Still, I felt guilty and then I felt angry because I'd been put in that position, then I felt guilty for feeling angry. Screwy, I know.

Halfway home I realized someone had stolen some things from my coat pocket - nothing big, but they were my things and no one had any business going into my pockets.

I had been told by management that there is a theft problem so not to leave money in my pockets or bags. Why tell people to do that? Why not just solve the root problem? That's screwy too.

Didn't get to bed until 5am - but that's when I'm supposed to get up.

Decided I'm going to write to management and tell them I cannot work that late anymore. I'm afraid of that - concerned about the consequences.

Thought I'd sleep for an hour. Slept through the alarm and missed a meeting. My day is totally messed up.

Let someone down today because I missed that meeting. Upset with myself about that.

Went to make a coffee. The coffee maker is broken.

Wanted to throw it against the wall.

Nope - not gonna do that. No. I'm not quitting today.

Father, please please help me. Please turn this situation around.

Trust and a Decision

2008-02-14T11:50:00.003-05:00

Feeling positive today. Still tired, but not dreadfully so. I didn't have to work last night. Wonder when I'll get a whole day off. Ever?

Thinking I should be where I am. I'm usually pretty focussed when I decide to be, but these last few months...

My boy showed up for prayer at the church yesterday! That meant so much to me. Now he's telling everyone about it; I have no idea what he's saying, though and he's not tellin' me. I don't want to push him lest I push him away. This is one of those times where I have to trust God. What harder thing to trust with than one's own child? But I do trust Him. So I'm stepping back and letting God take control.

Thinking about how I've been pretty much forced to do everything and anything besides what God has called me to do. It's like the enemy will throw anything in my path, dump anything on my head, to keep me from doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not even talking about minor distractions - I'm talking about survival.

So I've made a decision this morning. I'm writing it here and hoping that my friends will be brave enough to remind me I've said this if I seem to forget. The decision is that I'm going to continue to strive to do what God has called me to do - not that I've stopped, but I've been running around trying to stick my fingers in a broken dam so I don't drown and then giving whatever, if anything, I have left to pursue the main goal. Well, that's backwards in my opinion.

Yes, I know I have to survive. Some are going to call me crazy for what I'm about to do. I'm going to do what I can re the surviving and focus on the calling and let God take care of what I cannot do re surviving.

I'm not sure if it's the right decision.... If you're not surviving, how do you do anything else?

But I remember that scripture says that God clothes the flowers, so he'll clothe me. He knows every hair on my head. He has not forgotten me. No matter how bad I feel, I am not invisible to Him.

I think about this curse thing (or whatever it is/was) and it occurs to me that it has been God who has been holding me up all along; It is to Him and not hard work or other people that I owe my survival and my sanity. He has put people in my path who have helped me, who have inspired me, who have taught me, and who have loved me.

No matter what I or anyone can say about my rotten situation or the things that have happened in the past, no one, not even Satan himself, can take away the truth. The truth remains even if it is not believed. No one can take away the fact that God has indeed blessed me, even if my blessings are stolen, God still gave them to me in the first place. And, in the end God WILL win the ultimate battle, even if I win nothing.

In the end, God will have me and I will have Him. I know this because scripture says that nothing can snatch me from His hand!

In spite of the prayer I've been receiving, I still have the very strong sense (for about two years now) that the enemy is hearing every word I say and seeing everything I write. This concerns me and I don't know what to do about it.

Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I felt a sense of safety, like the enemy wasn't hearing me, like I had some emotional and spiritual privacy. That sense of safety lasted a couple of hours. Something is still dogging me. Your prayers would be appreciated.

I still hunt the wolf. I still follow God and He is my only God!

****

side note: What's-his-name only called once last night. I have to laugh... He thinks he is so smart but he betrays himself by what he does and what he doesn't do and at what times he does and doesn't do things (I'm thinking that might not have made sense to you). Because of what time he called and what times he wasn't calling and in consideration of his established patterns, I know exactly where he was and what he was doing last night. It also shows that once again he's underestimated my intelligence and over-estimated his own slithery abilities.

Today is Valentine's day. Bet if he calls at all, it will be at the end of the workday and not during the evening (he'll be busy with lil'-miss-high-school). Last message he left was that he wanted to hear my voice... pfffft! Ya, right, buddy! Not for the reasons a woman might like to believe.

Well, this is stupid.

2008-02-13T12:44:00.004-05:00

So, I was down.

I decided to give up. Forget it. Quit. It's no use anyway.

Got up and went looking for a place to curl up and never move again.

Thought, "Well, this is stupid. Giving up because there's no point... yet giving up guarantees that there will be no good outcome."

Decided that, instead, I'd just have a pity party for a while.

Thought, "Well, this is stupid. What good is that going to do?"

Decided that I should try to do something useful but couldn't figure out what, since it seems like everything is pointless anyway.

Thought back to Sunday and how Pastor P had talked about having someone else speak scripture over another person.

No one here... but maybe I could speak scripture over myself?

What is that going to do? Why bother trying?

Well, it can't hurt me, right? Okay, I'll get up and grab my bible.

I don't want to move.

I don't think I CAN move.

Suddenly frightened. What's going on here? Why can I not get up and get my bible? Why does my body not listen? What the heck is this?!

I waited. I waited for God.

Then I got up without effort, got my bible... So what do I read?

Ephesians, the armour. I've already got it highlighted and can find it quickly.

My eyes scan...

I find this:

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible."

Is this not part of my calling? Yes, it is. I would dare to say that in some ways it is part of what we're all called to do.

hmmm...

I read some more, just scanning then reading, and read this:

"Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming."

ouch

One could look at the words "every wind of teaching" and take it as a concept that could include every wind of thought, cynicism, fear, and circumstance.

ouch

I am faithless and weak. I have to grow up.

I rested there, letting my mind wander. Soon enough ideas started to flow through my mind - which is what happens when things are "normal" for me.

Had a change of mindset and have now reclaimed what's left of my day.

don't know what to name this post

2008-02-13T08:44:00.002-05:00

Just spent two hours trying to get on here. Computers can be very frustrating. I need it for work and this blog is one of the few ways I can communicate or vent.

Put nail polish on my ragged stubs, you know, those things that use to be fingernails. Gonna have to take it off, but I just wanted to feel semi-human at least for a little while. It felt good, but only for a few minutes.

What's-his-name called 5x yesterday. Thankfully, I was at work and didn't have to think about whether or not to answer the phone.

I note that I'm not a victim here. There are more options available to me than only whether or not to ignore him. I'm more aware of those options, and how many there really are, than most people. Dealing with it this way is a choice that I have made.

Felt positive last night. Got off work an hour early, but it took 40 minutes to get home because of the snowstorm. I was dreading shovelling snow, but got home to discover that someone had shovelled my sidewalk and the end of my driveway. I was very grateful for that.

Was looking forward (for a change) to today. My son is going to get prayer. I was invited to a meeting so that I could view a planning report and give an opinion and it's an opportunity to build relationship. I don't work the night job tonight so was looking forward to getting some housework done (this place is in a terrible state), and making scalloped potatoes (I enjoy cooking, so that's not work for me).

In spite of this, I'm feeling down, tired, hopeless and helpless. The re-finance thing seems to have been taken away from me - see.. I hope and then *poof* - whatever I hope for, whatever I'm glad for disappears. Feeling guilty because I'm so weak in my faith.

Begging God to help me.

Feeling like the enemy wants to take away my day - the one day I've been able to look forward to.

Overwhelmed.

What's the point? I can't do what I'm supposed to do because circumstances rip away my time and energy. Isn't God supposed to win? Isn't His will supposed to be done? He called me to do a job and I gave up everything to do it and this is what's happened. I've hung on and hung on - for what?

I'm back to feeling like the liars and cheaters, abusers, thieves and the hateful and selfish get everything they want, suffer no ill consequence, while those who work and try to hang on to God suffer the consequences foisted on them by the vile.

I'm not even allowed the fruits of my own labours, never mind anything more that God might want. It's not like I don't or wouldn't share, either. Why is everyone else entitled to the benefits my hard work, but I am not?

As I write, I'm getting the sense that God is still here. I don't even know what to say to Him.

It's not like I'm looking for any gifts here; I just want to be able to do my work and have people stop trying to squeeze me for everything they can get. I want the value of my work to be recognized - People don't even really know what I do. Mostly they don't want to think about it. They don't care until the wolf is at their door ready to rip them to shreds - THEN they suddenly want help and even then, they don't want to pay for it. They'd rather have cable tv and a nice car.

Fine! Go ahead. Watch your tv and drive your nice car. Will you think it was worth it when you are injured? What good is it if you are dead or if your life as you know it is gone? When you're sued because you didn't give a crap about your employee's safety and mental health, when the bottom line was more important than human beings, no one will feel sorry for you. Telling yourself "that won't happen here" won't prevent disaster. Sticking your head in the sand leaves your butt exposed; In order to really cover your butt you've got to stand up and face facts head on.

THAT's what I REALLY want to say to people.

There... I feel a little better.

Still wish I had time to do my real work, though. And I feel better for the moment, having vented a little, but it doesn't change the fact that people are paying lip service to goodness and living profitably from doing lousy things to other people.

Sniffing and Praying

2008-02-12T02:02:00.000-05:00

What's-his-name knows I know about his lying and is now emailing and calling a lot. I know that if I read his emails that I will want to believe the things he says. I know that I'm vulnerable when it comes to him (I know why, too, but that's a whole other topic) in ways and to depths that I'm not vulnerable to anyone else. Therefore, it is important for me to protect myself. I just keep saying "God is my protection". If it's God's will for this situation to turn around, then it will happen; I don't have to stress and try to figure that out. God knows that He's gonna have to pretty much work a miracle (or two or three) and then bash me over the head to get me to believe that I'm to talk to what's-his-name.

And what is with guys and this game of come here-go away? ... Never mind... I know what that is.

Funny thing, though... as mad as I am and after everything he's done over the years, I caught myself praying for him today. What in the heck is that about?

Did a lot of heavy work tonight. My upper back, hands, wrists and shoulders feel like they're on fire. The feet hurt as usual. BUT that awful feeling, that awful I-swear-my-back-is-broken feeling isn't there. Not even a hint of it. I keep thinking about that feeling of the metal rod coming out of my back during that prayer time. I keep thinking about Pastor R praying for the balm of Gideon to be poured over me (I think that's what he said, anyway).

Forgot my lunch today so had to buy a burger. I was worried about how that would effect my tummy, but it was okay. Then they forgot to charge me for the burger and by the time I remembered and told them I hadn't paid, they said not to worry about it. So I got a free burger. Bonus!

Things have taken a negative turn re my refinancing. Prayers about that would be good.

If God gave me back everything the enemy has stolen from me, I wonder what that would look like. I wonder what I would/should do if that happens. I think maybe I shouldn't think about it because I might just get crushed yet again.

The dogs slept with me last night. I was thinking about that smell of fresh flowers and rain. I sniffed the air. You know... dogs don't care that somebody is sitting beside them when they pass wind!

Okay - no more sniffin' the air too hard when the furbabies are nearby.

Sniffed my deodorant to see if it smelled like flowers. Nope.

You all are gonna think I'm some sort of a nut, goin' around sniffin' things! haha!

Do you ever pray beneath your consciousness? I think I'm talking to God almost all of the time but am really not conscious of it. I know someone else who once told me that she knows that she prays in her sleep. I've woken up praying before, but I think that while I'm sleeping I'm just snoring or something.

Working both jobs tomorrow. Better try to go to sleep now.

Fresh Flowers and Rain

2008-02-11T00:22:00.000-05:00

I had to rush home from church this morning to get my work uniform into the wash. While that was happening I thought I would try to take a brief nap.

Sleep is an interesting thing. We can get into debt - it really is called "sleep debt", but we can also catch up and we can even store up a little (not too much, or it's counter-productive, but I won't be having that problem any time soon). Going through long periods of time with too little sleep can seriously affect your mental and physical health in very real ways; It can even shorten your life. (Just a little info there for those of you who don't already know)

So I didn't have a long time to nap, but figured I'd try and at worst would at least rest my body. My tummy problems were really acting up, too, so I knew I had to do what I could to try to help myself. I lay down and immediately the brain starts going a mile a minute. I prayed. I just focused on God - not about Him, but to Him (did the way I said that make sense?).

I fell asleep. A short time later, I awoke feeling like I'd slept for a while. I was worried that my alarm hadn't gone off. I got up to check and found that I hadn't been sleeping for long at all. It was even amazing how I felt considering the small amount of rest I'd had. I thanked God for this.

I crawled back into my bed and pulled the covers over my head to try to block out the daylight. Under my covers it smelled strongly of fresh flowers and rain. That was odd because I haven't changed my sheets and even if I had, my laundry detergent smells nothing like that. Curious, I sniffed the sheets and bedding (my son would laugh like crazy if I told him that!). Nope. They don't smell like anything. I know it's not the soap or shampoo I use. What is that? hmmm... it's actually the air under the covers. Now why is that?

Then I fell back asleep.

Then something humorous happened. At one time I'd been trying to train Nita the dog to follow scent. I had been working starting a local search and rescue team and was going to train her with the Ontario Provincial Police. A lot of other things got in the way and I never did follow through with that.

Anyway, one of the things I use to do with her was to hide in the house, cover myself with a blanket or pillows or bags and she would come and find me. She would pull the blanket off of me and bark (alert) to announce she'd won the game. Well, now, when I pull the covers over my head, she thinks I'm playing the game! That means she keeps pulling the covers off and barking right by my ear. Tough to sleep during that! So she was doing that today. I had to laugh about that.

On the way to work I was thinking about today's church service. I wondered if the pastors got really tired the way they pray so fervently for so many people.

I thought about how grateful I am for Pastor P's honesty.

I thought about scripture she'd read from Malachi about justice, about evil being shown. I've been so frustrated by people getting ahead by lying and cheating and hurting people while innocent people try and try and seem to get nowhere. I've been crying for justice for a long time - not just for me, but for others too. I've been asking God to reveal what's-his-name's true character to people and to let him get caught up in his lies. I suppose that's a vengeful sort of prayer, but it's honest and if that's not what God wants to do, then He won't. I figure that whatever God does about it will be the best and wisest thing anyway. And I suppose I'm more exposed than others to situations where there is injustice because my work involves helping and protecting people. Anyway, hearing that scripture was timely and encouraging.

I prayed that God would reign, that God would reveal evil, and that God would take care of these things as He said He would.

I'm reminded of something that Pastor R said during prayer - He asked that God restore what the enemy has stolen from me. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that happened! I'm still afraid to hope, though.

Tonight I asked God to restore faith to our people.

Really tired... tummy troubles were really bad today, but at least I didn't have that terrible pain in my back; It's just normal kind of back pain.

It helped with the abdominal pain to put pressure on certain points, but I didn't want anyone to know how bad I was hurting, so I didn't want to be holding my hand on my abdomen. My solution was to lean up against the edge of a counter and use the counter to put the pressure on. The thing about that solution though, was that I had to stand in an odd position to get it to work. So I'm leaning on this counter in this strange position pretending like I was just relaxin' there and everything was okay. Wonder if anyone wondered why I was standing like that.

My sister emailed me today. I was glad for that. She said that all my hard work will pay off, but I don't agree. I don't think it will. I think if anything comes of all this it will be because God gives it.

Gotta work the day job tomorrow. I'm going to try not to think about that tonight on my way to sleep. I'm going to ask God to help me to get done what needs to get done and ask Him to take care of the stuff I miss. Maybe that will help me sleep?

That smell of fresh flowers and rain was really neat. Still don't know what it was about, though.

Is A Door Opening?

2008-02-10T09:12:00.000-05:00

Brain's not working at the moment; neither are emotions - too tired

Just want to jot down some things so I remember for later.

- intense prayer session with both pastors on Friday

recognized that I know how to protect myself physically, emotionally (usually, somewhat anyway), mentally but have never paid attention to protecting myself spiritually. Because of what I do for a living I need to really pay attention to that.

Got a new "mantra" (for lack of a better word at the moment) - "God is my protection"

Pastor P said something related to scripture that was elucidating - She was praying about the armour of God (Ephesians 6) and mentioned that the breastplate of righteousness referred to God's righteousness and not ours. That was very helpful - means that I don't have to struggle with whether or not I'm "righteous" 'cause I know I can never be as righteous as God and I know that I only think I know about what is right (don't know if I'm making sense right now... haha). It's those kinds of struggles that keep me from fully accepting all that God offers me.

In the process of prayer and removing a curse, making sure that nothing bad is hanging around me (don't know how to explain that stuff), I got a physical sensation as if a metal rod was being pulled out of my back. Very weird stuff, but clearly felt that. I frequently feel so much pain in my back (in exactly the area where I felt that sensation of the rod coming out) that I would swear my back is broken. Last night at work, given what I was doing, I expected to feel that awful pain again. I felt (and feel) back pain, but it's nothing like the usual. It's more like one would normally expect to feel after physical work. hmmm...

Not as tired this morning as I expected. (Still very tired, but don't want to cry)

My pretending-to-be-athiest son wants the pastors to pray over him too! This is huge! Don't know where to begin on that.

After the prayer session, the mortgage broker called me and said that in spite of everything, the mortgage company is going to give me re-financing on my house so that I can consolidate debt and pay a lower interest rate. A few days ago this was impossible and suddenly it's possible.

Prospect called and asked for my resume and references.

The promotion at the restaurant seemed to have fallen through - but last night someone said they heard a rumour that it was back on the table.

Thinking about how I take my sense of responsibility too far. I think that's a good blog post for later... remind me if I forget.

Recognizing that even if I try everything, if God does not give me something it's not going to happen no matter what I do. You can plant and tend to a tree all you want, but if God doesn't want it to bear fruit, it won't. Gotta remember to write about reaping what you sow in relation to what I just said here and the concept of deserving what you get.

My friend made me another casserole - I can't even find the words for that.

Thinking about how I can reclaim my home. Wondering how I can reclaim it and still use it for God's good and/or His glory. (or maybe I've still got it wrong - maybe I should reclaim it and let Him decide how it will be used and/or how He will be glorified through it?)

Don't know what I'm feeling. Afraid to hope, afraid to believe, afraid to speak about hope and belief... But I'm still grateful for what's happened so far.

Deception

2008-02-09T10:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday and this morning have been spiritually intense. I don't even know where to begin, never mind actually write a post about it. It's still not all sorted out in my head and my soul. So I'll write about other stuff instead. One of the challenges of being on this earth is that no matter what's going on with the spiritual, there's still day to day life to contend with.

Last night I found out that what's-his-name took an email I'd written and showed it to a bunch of people - out of context, in the absence of other emails and accompanied by half-truths. I was upset. It was one thing to show the email around, but the thing that really bothered me was that he was lying. I'd rather be punched in the face than lied to. He knows that, though (not that it's stopped him from lying).

Of course he would say that he's not lying, rather merely refraining from telling the whole truth. It's one thing to refrain from telling people things because you are protecting your privacy, but it's quite another to refrain from telling them things knowing that the omission is very misleading and impacts other people. This is one reason why an oath to tell the truth in court includes the words "the whole truth and nothing but the truth".

Gotta go get ready to work a 12 hour shift at the restaurant. I'm tired already.

By the way, this post sounds like such a downer so I want to add that some positive stuff has been happening - just haven't had time to process it and write it down.

Chasing Rainbows

2008-02-08T07:48:00.000-05:00

I got four hours sleep in a row! Yay!

No, it's not enough, but it's better than what I've been getting, so I'm happy about that.

I was thinking yesterday that I've done this before, so I can do it again. Mind you, I was a lot younger but back then I also had to take care my young son on my own. One time, after working a double shift as a waitress, I fell asleep - standing up! haha! I fell down, of course, but I was that tired.

What I'm doing now and how hard it is still beats quitting or failing to try. Failing to try is failure. Trying and falling short is not failure. It's okay to fall down, as long as you don't stay there.

During one aspect of my training a Lt. Col (who is now a friend and colleague - and I'm so blessed to be able to say that), was teaching us about what to do when we've been injured in combat, when we think we're taking our last breath. He yelled at us (imagine the voice and tone of drill sgts you've seen in the movies) "YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO DIE!!!"

Sometimes the sound of his booming voice shouting that sentence comes back to me. It helps me. It's true. God has not given me permission to quit or die. (I even asked Him when I caught what's-his-name sleeping around. The answer was a clear no).

When I was a little kid I use to chase rainbows. I didn't believe that you really couldn't get to one, so thought I'd try to prove it. I'd walk and walk and walk. You walk all the way to the horizon to see that the rainbow is still miles away. But the thing about that is that when you get to the first horizon, there's another one, and another one. There's still somewhere to go.

I never did walk far enough to stand in a rainbow (it always got dark before I could get there and the rainbow would disappear). But one day I was sitting in school and the sunlight was shining through the windows into the classroom. I looked down and there, right on my desk, the light had hit in such a way as to produce the colours of the rainbow. There it was; a rainbow right on my desk. I stuck my hand in it and saw the colours of the rainbow on my skin. A rainbow had come to me. You CAN get to the end of a rainbow.

Zig Ziglar says, "Go as far as you can see, and once you get there, you can always see further."

I don't see an end in sight here. I don't see a solution. I don't see the things which I hope for. I don't even see signs of what God has promised. But I know that I can touch a rainbow and that it can happen when I least expect it.

That Entitlement Thing

2008-02-07T19:27:00.000-05:00

Did the definition of the right thing change while I was sleeping somewhere? Is responsibility a thing of the past? Am I by myself in the way I think?

I figured out that, to pay for the damage done to my home, I will have to work for approximately 500 weeks.

umm.. I think that's a good chunk of time there. I think that by the time I get this paid for it will be time to pay for new repairs.

Anyway, the same woman (who really is a nice person, really she is) asked me why I didn't simply ask one of my lawyer friends for the money (a lot of people think that lawyer means rich and that is not so). I didn't answer her at first because I had to actually process that question. The concept of going to a friend and asking for thousands of dollars is beyond where my brain goes.

Finally, I gave my thoughtful and exceptionally articulate response which was, "Huh?"

She said it again. I told her that besides the fact that I wouldn't dream of doing that, even if I could bring myself to do such a thing I can't in this circumstance anyway. If I can't pay a credit card company, what on earth would make me think I could repay a friend? No. That's not an option.

It turns out she wasn't suggesting that I ask for a loan; She was suggesting that I ask for a gift. That boggles my mind. To her, that was a perfectly normal, reasonable and real option.

I've seen people who complain so that people will give them things that they're afraid to ask for. That, too, is foreign to me. Oh, it's not like I don't complain - You KNOW I do! But the reason for complaining, the motive, is very different.

So this woman, and others, think that if you want something that somebody should just give it to you.

So did I just step off the mother ship or what? Not only do I not "get" it, I don't like it. So why did that annoy me so much? Maybe because I'm one of the ones who often pays for the irresponsibility of others. I'll have to think about that so that I can discover why it bugs me instead of simply blindly judging her and others like her.

Oh, and my answer to her: My friends do not owe me. My friends are not responsible for me; I'm responsible for me. That's why I'm not going to be asking anyone for thousands of dollars worked for and earned by someone else.

I had a similar conversation with my brother many years ago. It was frustrating because he thought I was being stupid when I told him that just because someone has something and you don't, does NOT somehow make you entitled to it!

I'll work the 500 weeks and have no problem holding my head up, thank you very much.

Okay... there's my mini-rant. Thanks for listening and comments are welcome.

Awake!

2008-02-06T23:33:00.000-05:00

What gives?

I stumbled through the day exhausted. I spent over two hours trying to get some information to a prospect. It should have been a simple matter, but my computer didn't seem to think so. I never did get him the information. I have to deliver it in person tomorrow. I also have a meeting in the morning.

What's-his-name (the once love-of-my-life turned devil incarnate) has been calling and now emailing. So it brings up all of the pain I haven't had time to deal with. Yes, I've told him to take a hike and am ignoring him, but it still brought everything to the surface. Just recently that other fellow has slowed down on trying to get my attention and I thought I was getting a break.

Well, it's too bad. Anyone who wants to bug me is just going to have to wait indefinitely for a response. I just don't have the time or energy.

So for the first time in a while, I'm not working at night tonight. This is my chance to get some much needed sleeeeeep!

Nope.

I'm exhausted mentally and physically, so what gives?

Normally I would just get up and do something productive, but I know my body needs this sleep.

Maybe it's the hurry-up-and-get-to-sleep so I can hurry up and get everything done thinking? There's a part of me that wants to stay up and do something that I like, to have time for myself. But I'm too tired to actually do anything anyway.

I think a lot of us, if not all of us, have been here at some point or another.

Still, this beats scrubbing out fryers.

Time Is Money

2008-02-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

I read in the paper this morning that some lawyers in downtown Toronto are charging one thousand dollars per hour! Costs of doing business are also very high - People really don't get that. Office space costs a fortune. Education costs and the interest rates on money to pay for that education costs big. A single book can cost hundreds of dollars. Professional fees, insurance fees, and costs for periodicals and programs so that you can keep up to date on what's going on in your field are huge. All of these things are necessary, basic minimums to work.

My costs aren't as high as those guys, but it still costs me about $60/hr just to sit here and breathe. If I have to travel anywhere or hire someone for a specific task or back-fill, etc, the cost is higher. It bugs me when people gasp at how much our fees are - and they're not even close to that 1k an hour that the lawyers charge.

****

Went to the dentist today - probably for the last time in the foreseeable future. My dental and drug coverage has come to an end. I'm grateful that I got better before my drug coverage ended because the cost of the medications I needed would have meant having to sell my house and going on social assistance. I'll die before I do that. I've been there before and I'm not going back.

Anyway, at the dentist they said I'm brushing properly and all that... but there are problems starting and they believe it's due to improper nutrition.

It's not like I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing - It's that I don't have the option. Try explaining that to someone to whom not buying groceries or not having the money to pay for hydro is a foreign concept. Telling me to get more sleep is kind of like telling a drowning man that he really ought to breathe.

****

The demands for my time are piling up. If I spend 15 minutes reading something (like reading the paper online this morning), that's 15 minutes I'm not spending either earning money or pursuing opportunities. That means groceries, hydro, a roof over my head. It's not about the money itself; It's about surviving. Time really is money and time is also about survival.

I just want to be okay.

God Bless Bobby

2008-02-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Bobby (not his real name) is a man who goes to my church. He's one of those people in society who is often treated as invisible. Bobby is and always has been quite visible to me, though. Years ago I was invisible, too, so I know what it's like and make a point of trying to see - really see - those "invisible" people.

Bobby is poor, has no "social standing", uneducated and will never attain all that North American culture has to offer. Some people would say that Bobby is a burden. I say that Bobby is a blessing.

At church there are people who approach Bobby to talk to him and they do it because they genuinely want to. They truly care about him and want him to feel welcome.

Bobby lives in a lodging home (I think that's what it's called) and can be seen rummaging through garbage bins for treasures. His clothes are old and it seems like his nose is always runny. He's very thin. His words are simple and he talks about what most would call insignificant events rather than concepts. But those insignificant events are significant to him. They comprise his life.

There's something about Bobby that grabs my attention. There's a light that shines from within him. Maybe it's because his eyes are so very blue; Maybe it's the Light of Christ.

On Sunday Bobby was excited to see me and talk to me (he's really happy to talk to anyone). He eagerly told me that he had a praise report. He said that someone gave him $20 for no reason. To him, it was like heaven opened up and huge blessing rained on him.

I was walking away from Bobby after the conversation when I felt the urge to turn around and go back to him. I did.

You see, Bobby had just blessed me. Here I am complaining about working so hard when others can't even get a job, when others don't have the physical and/or mental ability to work, and Bobby rummages through garbage, is treated as invisible, and is tremendously grateful for twenty bucks.

I told Bobby that he had just blessed me. I needed to tell him that. You should have seen the look on his face!

He said, "Really?!"

I said, "Yes"

He said "I blessed you? Really?"

I said, "Yes, really."

You'd have thought he'd just been given the greatest news of his life.

When I look at Bobby, I don't see the poor simple guy rummaging through garbage. I see a beautiful and much loved child of God.

God, thank you for Bobby. God bless Bobby.

Slipping

2008-02-04T19:23:00.000-05:00

Had a bit of a meltdown right at church yesterday. Some of it was a good thing, some not so good.

Funny: A couple of people told me I looked terrible, unwell. When one of them found out it was because I was tired from working two jobs (and I said I thought I smelled like french fries), she said, "Oh, that explains my craving for salt and vinegar!" Had to laugh at that one.

The not so good: So people are telling me I look terrible. Mostly I just smiled and said "I'm fine" or "I'm tired". One guy even told me "You look like an old bag lady". He was NOT joking. I believe they were just trying to express concern. The bag lady remark surprised me a bit, I have to admit. I didn't think I looked THAT bad!

The same guy told me that "You're a beautiful young lady and men are going to try to be with you even if you say no". (This is after I told him that I was not interested in being with a guy - in response to his questions about why I'm not with anyone.)

I preferred the bag lady remark over the twisted compliment.

Someone approached me with a letter written for me. The letter was about how hurt this person was that I don't spend enough time chatting and how I don't stay long enough after church. I had to sit the person down and explain that it wasn't them, that I was working a lot, etc, etc. I said I'm really tired and don't have a lot of patience these days and don't have time or energy to visit people or chat a lot. I don't know that the person understood, really.

I was doing okay up until then, but my energy was already low and that was pretty much the last of it.

The good: I was standing there during worship, questioning my faith for a number of reasons, telling myself I had no right to be there, trying to look happy, trying to stay standing (I was soooo tired). I told God that I really needed to hear from Him. I needed to hear more loudly and more clearly than I have been recently. I told Him that even though my brain was questioning His existence, I KNEW He was there. I KNOW it in my heart and my guts and bones. I've known it since I can remember, since before anyone ever told me about Him. I prayed that to Him, telling Him I knew, that I COULDN'T not believe, yet I desperately needed His help.

A few seconds later, "Spike", who was leading worship, stopped and made a comment that was really a paraphrase of Isaiah 43:2.

I gasped.

That scripture has HUGE meaning for me for a number of reasons. It's very significant.

I looked up. Spike was not looking at me, was not even looking in my direction. He was just doin' his thing.

Then he said that He felt there was someone in the congregation for whom God had a message, that God wanted the person to know He was there.... Spike described what I was feeling. I hadn't told him - haven't even talked to him for ages. I hadn't told anyone.

So God had spoken.

By the time the sermon came around, I was already back to doubting. (I feel like such a weakling admitting that) Maybe the message was for someone else. Maybe I just wanted to hear and therefore I did.

THEN, as it turns out, one of the major messages in the sermon was about remembering and about not losing your faith, that things would get hard but not to let your faith get stolen.

whoa

So I went to Spike after church because I wanted him to know that what he said was a big deal for me. (I wasn't going to tell him, and was actually on my way out but for some reason felt compelled to let him know. I think we sometimes obey God and then wonder if it was really God or just our own thoughts and it's good for people to know if they did something good like that.)

Well.... I couldn't get two words out of my mouth! I started stammering because I was trying not to cry. I did not want to cry! I don't mind crying tears of joy in front of people but when they are tears of pain or despair, I prefer to keep that out of view. Spike saw what was happening (or maybe I told him - I don't even know) and immediately said, "She's over there" - referring to his wife.

Anyway, I hid out in the Pastor's office crying my silly little eyes out and trying to explain. They were really good about it, very helpful.

I was okay again until I got into my car, and then I cried the whole way home, cried while I washed my work uniform and got ready to go to work.

Fireworks at work last night - long story, another post... Needless to say I was already pretty tired when I walked in; I was wiped at the end of the shift.

Fell asleep at my desk today. That's very bad. Even when I was awake, I got nothing accomplished. I'm getting really behind. I'm slipping here.

Miracles

2008-02-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

The tenant moved out; It wasn't pleasant. In spite of a letter from my lawyer requesting that she move out at a reasonable hour, she was here moving at midnight. That meant no one could go to sleep.

I finally had to call the police. She didn't care. She scoffed and laughed at that.

She still didn't return my property, nor did she return the property she'd taken from the others in the house. She did not return keys, so I've had to change the locks. After she left we found a number of items in the room which didn't belong to her - things we've been looking for that had mysteriously disappeared.

Her door handle is completely broken off. Of course she didn't do that. Must have been gremlins, I guess. The paint on the wall is wrecked where she use to climb in and out of the window at times when she'd forgotten her keys. The carpet (which is only a year old) is destroyed. It's filthy, stained, matted, crushed, and covered in red spray paint.

She left behind a bunch of furniture and over a dozen bags of garbage.

I wanted to cry. I don't have the money or even the credit to fix all this and have the garbage hauled away.

I changed the locks and had new keys made. Most of the furniture she left is gone now. There's still so much to do, though.

The other woman who lives here gave her notice that she's moving out. (The one who couldn't take the shower when she wanted) There's a part of me that doesn't care. I secretly want my home back. But the reality is that I can't pay the bills with the tenants; I don't know how I would manage without them.

My son has been a blessing. He let me rant and rave about it and came to look at it - not that he can do anything - but having someone listen and understand is a big help.

My lawyer, in his perfectly enunciated manner of speaking, said, "I think your tenant has some issues."

Somehow that struck me as terribly funny and I laughed while my lawyer remained silent and absolutely composed and serious (which made the whole thing even funnier).

We had a snowstorm and I spent a lot of time shovelling. I guess working at the restaurant has strengthened my body; After shovelling I was much less sore than I expected.

While I was shovelling, my shovel broke.

Nita the dog broke her leash and took off down the street. That was a big deal, but she's back at home safe and crazy in that way that I love so much. (Tie-outs for dogs are expensive. The ones I get are supposed to be unbreakable.)

I went out and bought a new shovel (on credit - that totally sucks). By the time I got back, my neighbour had shovelled the new snow that had fallen in the meantime. That was really nice of him. My property was shovelled four times, and two of those times it was the neighbour who did it.

I decided to look at the things that I felt grateful for, the blessings that I do have. A fear came upon me. I was afraid to feel grateful in case that which I felt grateful for might also be taken away from me. I know that's not a rational thought, but it does fall into line with what's been happening.

But that kind of fear is not from God, so I'm fighting the negative thought that brings that fear.

God has a plan. I don't know the plan and I don't understand why all of this is happening especially given that I've been doing my best to do what He wants. It seems that people who lie and cheat and steal get ahead, get whatever they want and I'm paying. But the reason for doing what He wants is not so that I can have some reward; It's because I want to do what He wants. Therefore, I will keep doing it (in my messed up human way).

I'm hoping and praying for miracles. Maybe the miracles are all around me and I don't see them. The fact that I'm alive at all is a miracle. The birth and life of my son is a miracle. These beautiful dogs, the wisteria tree outside, frogs in the summer, my sister and niece and nephew, the neighbour who shovels my walk, the woman who makes me stew and the barley thing, that I was born in a rich part of the world, that I'm healthy enough to work and shovel snow and haul garbage, my cats, the elderly lady next door.... Maybe those are the miracles.

Double Life?

2008-01-31T18:47:00.000-05:00

So I met with that guy. It didn't take long for the sexual comments to come out. I knew that (remember he likes the psychological power - and when a guy can't get that over a woman another way, he resorts to the sexual or at least gender-role crap). The only thing I would write here is that he said something about how it would be good if I went to a meeting wearing thigh-high leather boots and carried a whip. Frankly I don't care to recall the other remarks.

Through that meeting, I met a man who founded and runs a big real estate company (who is nothing like the first guy). I talked to lots of people and handed out a lot of business cards and smiled a lot.

I went to the next place and met a whole lot of strangers and handed out my card at every opportunity. When people hear about what I do, they tell me all their horror stories. I don't mind that.... but then the same ones turn around and tell me that they have no need for services such as mine because their situation is over and life is better now. (They forget or deny how quickly things can go awry).

I met a man who was president of a highly successful financial company. That was refreshing. I find that I can really let my hair down when I'm in the company of the big kahunas. It's the little guys and the middle or middle-to-senior managers who are always trying to "get one up" or find a weakness to exploit. The big guys don't need to play games, so I don't need to defend against the game. Anyway, the guy said he was going to keep my card because he thinks that my services might come in handy someday and there's always a need somewhere for what I do. (Thank you, God! Somebody "got it" today!)

That tenant still is not gone but there's a big pile of garbage on my back porch. The back porch that I just finished cleaning out yesterday. Nice.

I don't know yet what I learned today. I haven't had time to process the day yet. Although at one point, while I was all dressed up and talking to the big kahuna guy (which is within my familiar and comfort zone), it struck me that I kind of live a double life. Talking to big kahunas or doing work requiring a lot of expertise by day, and making burgers and scrubbing floors by night.

Tonight I'm not at the restaurant. Tonight I have to compose a behavioural interview for someone. Coming up with the proper questions and wording is easy; Explaining it all in writing to the guy will be the bulk of the work.

It's only 7PM and I'm already really tired. Maybe I'll feel better if I eat something. The same awesome woman who made that stew for me made another dish for me. She called it "the barley thing", so that's what I call it in my head. I think I'll go have some of that The Barley Thing and think about this behavioural interview structure that I'm putting together.

Hey... Thanks for reading this and praying along with me. I appreciate it. :)

Messing With My Head

2008-01-31T11:35:00.000-05:00

I met a fellow during a business encounter. We will be going for coffee, but he wanted me to watch this "movie" first so that we could discuss it. It's messing with my head.

Here's the link:

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/index.html

Comments?

Holding My Tongue

2008-01-30T03:13:00.000-05:00

So the manager at the second job talked to her boss. Her boss now has to talk to another boss. Apparently they are interested in promoting me but they don't know if they're allowed to because I don't work a full 44 hours a week there and I can't work days during the week. It's not looking good, but we'll see.

Still, I'm grateful. Some people can't find any job at all.

There's a woman at work whose gifting seems to be that of vociferously complaining and criticizing. No one can do things right and she hates her job. Depending on her mood, she might ride you a little or a lot. It's a lot for me to hold my tongue. One of these days I'm going to tell her to knock it off, I just know it.

There's such a huge difference between the attitudes of people. Their basic needs and motivations are the same across the board, but how they go about things and how they think about things is so different. The ones who figure that everyone else owes them are the ones who will never be satisfied.

I've got tons to do re the day job tomorrow (today, really). Gotta get some sleep. Wonder if I can sleep in a little... maybe till 7 or 8. That would be nice. I'm finding I'm less effective since I'm so tired. Everything seems to take a little longer; Everything seems a little harder.

The blisters on the feet are doing well; And no new ones. That's good.

I know I had more to say, but can't think of any of it right now.

Not Much to Say

2008-01-28T01:54:00.000-05:00

Tired

While brushing my teeth today I thought I'd sit on the bathroom floor. Dumb. I fell asleep with my toothbrush in my hand.

Had no time to pack a lunch; Bought a cheeseburger. Still, food costs weren't so bad because I had the stew for my daytime lunch. $2.22 - Not bad considering it is 2008.

Miss my dogs. By what my tenants tell me, I think the dogs are depressed.

Wonder if my body will stop hurting. Maybe it won't; Maybe I'll just shut up about it.

Thinking about my son today. I love him so much. I'm incredibly grateful for him. He truly is a gift from God.

Opportunities

2008-01-27T00:50:00.000-05:00

I worked the day job for a few hours today and discovered that the business opportunity that had seemingly disappeared this week (remember the canceled meeting) is not dead. It might work out very well for me and others. I'm praying that if it's within God's will for that to happen for me, that it happens and that I do a top notch job for these people. We'll see...

After I finished what I had to do for the day job, I called the restaurant because I knew they were short-handed. I asked if they wanted me to come in early. They did.

Tonight, a manager approached me and told me that I wasn't front line material. She thinks I'm management material. I told her that if they had a management position and were interested in hiring me for that, I would take it and do what I had to do in order to make that work for them. She is going to talk to her boss on Monday.

How long have I been at this place? Two weeks? Three? (Gosh, I can't remember!) Anyway, it's pretty fortunate to be potentially promoted so quickly. Throughout my working life I've been very lucky that way; I've almost always been promoted and promoted fairly quickly.

I'm grateful.

The new shoes are better for my feet. My feet, back, legs and hands are still hurting a lot, but the blisters on the soles of my feet are healing nicely.

I used to have nice nails. Not any more. The night job ruined them. I thought I didn't care that much about that stuff until I lost it. Oh, well.

I'm having some sort of reaction to the powder in the gloves I have to wear for handling the food. My skin is itching and cracking. I slather on hand cream and vaseline at night and throughout the day (when I can), but they're still really dried out. I'm hoping my skin will adjust. If I get a manager position I won't have to wear those gloves as often or for long stretches of time like I do now.

I wrote some ad copy for the business. I can't write ad copy, but I did it. Who knows how it will work out.

I sent out over 500 sales letters and have yet to receive a single response. I guess I'll have to come up with a different sales letter.

Food costs were low again today.

Stew - $0.00 (Thank you!)
oatmeal (homemade) - I haven't figured it out, but it's pennies anyway.
two pieces of bread - $0.22

Came home from work tonight and shovelled the driveway and walkways and salted everything.

My house is a disaster, but not as bad as I thought it would get.

Wrote a four page letter to the tenants telling them to shape up; They seem to have listened, at least for now.

I'm exhausted, but still riled up from work and thinking about the gazillion things I have to do before I have to work tomorrow. The ol' body is very sore.

I want very much to go to church tomorrow. My brain is saying "hurry up and go to sleep". Kinda hard to sleep when one is trying to "hurry up" to do it. ha!

My body is screaming at me, the dogs got into the garbage, and I'm still carrying some emotional weight of some other personal things that have happened recently.

Still... it's been a good day. There have been some positives and some things to strive for.

Being "Weird"

2008-01-26T11:34:00.000-05:00

Apparently I'm the only one at the night job who brings lunch from home rather than buying it. Someone asked me if I disliked the restaurant's food. Some of my co-workers look at me funny because I've brought my lunch. It's like I'm from another planet or something. I could probably get them to stop doing that by explaining to them the benefits of bringing one's own lunch; I might even be able to convince them that it's a better idea than buying it. But that would mean reduced sales for the restaurant, so I just keep my mouth shut and pretend I don't notice the funny looks.

I iron my work uniform and clean my shoes. I guess that's really weird, too. One of the managers made a positive comment about it to someone else. (I overheard it) But my co-workers heard this too, so I've also overheard some snarky remarks about it.

For the first few hours of my shift last night I was working my butt off while a number of the teenagers there were just standing around watching.

It got better toward the end. I was still working hard, but the older women had come on shift to replace the kids and these women all work very hard. When everyone is doing the best they can, then working really hard feels like being part of a team rather than a sacrifice.

I was scheduled to work only until midnight. Midnight came and went and the manager still hadn't said anything to me about going home. At 12:25 I asked if I could go. She said I could and then loudly announced to everyone "She wants to go home!". It was as if I was abandoning them or something. I asked her if she was short-handed and told her if she needed me to stay that I would. She said no, it was fine, I could go.

They asked me if I could work a double shift for today. I have an appointment with my accountant today, so I cannot do a double at the restaurant. I told them that.

When I was leaving last night, one of my co-workers said "Where are YOU going?!" (She already knew, though.)

I told her, "Home. I was only scheduled until 12"

She said, "Why? It's not like you have to work your day job tomorrow."

me: "Actually, I do." (I'd also told her that earlier)

So I'm thinking... If I have to put in 16-20 hours of work in a day, it's okay, but if I only have to put in 8-10 hours, then it's some sort of a break?

(I actually only have to work the day job for a few hours today, not a whole 8 or 10 - but the people at the night job don't know that.)

I think they didn't want to be there either, so wanted everyone to have to stay.

Oh - food costs yesterday - $0.00! I had stew!

But I had to pay the guys for the bathroom - $3,000.00 - on credit, which means I'll be paying a lot more because of interest. That sucks.

Well, I'd better get off the computer. I have things to do at home, an appointment to get to, and have to wash and iron my uniform for tonight's shift. I'm not going to work dirty and wrinkly because other people dislike a pressed and clean uniform. I know that I'm going to pay a price - It seems so petty to me.

Yummy!

2008-01-25T07:47:00.000-05:00

Someone did something soooo cool for me.

She emailed me to tell me she could make me a pot of stew, package it up and either deliver it to me or have me pick it up. She also lent me an insulated lunch bag and a thermos. Not too many people these days do that kind of thing. Not many would even think of it.

Not only did the stew taste really good, it felt good. Have you ever had food that, when you take a bite, your body says "ahhh... thank you"? That's what it was like to eat this stew.

I had a Tim Horton's coffee, too - for free. My sister gave me one of those gift cards for helping her with the kids. It wasn't necessary, but very nice of her. She did that back in December and I've been careful with it so I still have 4 more coffees left on it.

So my food costs were low yesterday - $0.76 for the yogurt; the stew and the coffee were free.

I didn't have to work at the night job last night, so was able to get some housework done. That was good. I have to work the whole weekend, though. I'm trying not to think about it because I'm tired and thinking about what's ahead will only make me feel more tired.

***

I was thinking about this sense of entitlement thing that so many people seem to have so much of. I was thinking that if I had that same sense of entitlement I might not have enjoyed that stew so much; I might not have recognized what a big deal it is for someone to do that for me; It might not have warmed my heart as much as it did.

I know I'm "entitled" to have basic things such as food, but that does not mean that other people are responsible to give that to me. It does mean that others don't have the right to take it away from me, but that's different.

Having a sense of entitlement is good because you go after what you need and do it without guilt. But placing expectations on other people to fulfill those needs is a separate issue and results in negative things like arguments, disappointment and a lack of appreciation for and enjoyment of the gifts that are given.

Sense of Entitlement

2008-01-23T20:01:00.000-05:00

The level of some people's sense of entitlement bugs me sometimes. Does anyone not take responsibility for themselves anymore? For some people it's as if it's everyone else's job to make them happy. If you don't comply? Well, then there's the guilt trip thing.

Example: My tenants didn't bother to tell me there was a leak in the bathroom - for a YEAR! By the time I found out about it (not because they bothered to tell me, either), the damage was so bad that the walls and the floor had to be ripped out. So what should have cost me $5 and 20 minutes turned into a huge production, five THOUSAND dollars and several days of having workmen in my home.

Anyway, I told the tenants (who live in my home) that they would obviously not be able to use the shower for a few days until the workmen were done, but they could use the sink and the toilet. I told them they were welcome to come upstairs to my place and use my shower, provided they gave me some sort of notice.

Tonight the one tenant told me she wanted to be able to use the downstairs shower in the morning. I told her no, that the contractor had made it clear to me that the silicone and seals had to set properly before it could be used.

She said, "Well the guy who was here today told me I could use the shower in the morning."

I said, "He shouldn't have told you that. He's not the boss and the boss made it clear that the shower couldn't be used until tomorrow night."

She stared at me, obviously annoyed.

I said, "If you want to use my shower, you are welcome to come up."

She stared at me. "But he said I could use it in the morning."

Now I was beginning to get annoyed. After work I'd spent the evening putting varathane on the new trim in her bathroom instead of taking a much needed break.

I said, "Look, the expert tells me tomorrow night. If the seals aren't allowed to cure properly we're going to end up going through this whole production again and I'm just not doing it."

Her: Long forlorn sigh. Then she said, "Well, I'll just have to call them and tell them I can't come for my job interview tomorrow."

Me: "You are welcome to come up tonight and shower upstairs. In the morning I have to leave really early to drive to Toronto. You usually take your shower at night anyway, so you'll be all set."

(Note: I happen to know it's her usual habit to take her showers at night and not the morning)

Her - tersely: "Well if I have someplace to go I shower in the morning."

Another long sigh and a dirty look from her. (I hate that passive-aggressive crap)

Now I'm annoyed. I said, "Well, that's your choice." and I walked away.

So it was okay to let the walls and floor rot and cave in, but not okay if she has to take a shower tonight instead of the morning.

This is the same girl who borrowed my vacuum and broke it and never had it fixed - and so now does not vacuum. But she could go out and buy a brand new DVD player, go out to the bar on the weekends and spend a ton of money renting movies. Yet somehow the vacuum issue is not an issue - it's my problem. This is the same person who fills up the fridge that everyone is supposed to SHARE but no one else can use it because she's crammed it full.

Tonight I noticed that there is a big depression in the kitchen floor - where she stands cooking for hours on end. I don't begrudge her the cooking. She's overweight and the weight of her standing on the same place on the floor has caused the damage. I cannot blame her for this either, but I still have to pay for it and ripping up a kitchen floor will not be cheap or easy.

I know it's wrong, but I have to admit that these facts made it harder for me to be patient with the long sighs and her letting me know that she'd just have to rearrange her day because she couldn't shower at the time she wanted.

Cancelled Meeting

2008-01-23T01:06:00.000-05:00

A meeting that I was really excited about got cancelled yesterday. That sucks.

My work shoes (for the night job) came in. That's a good thing (but I won't like seeing the deductions that will come off my paycheque until the shoes are paid off). I'm hoping these shoes will be better for my feet. The soles of my feet are blistered now and it hurts to walk. Maybe these shoes will be better for my feet and back, too. I'm hopeful.

Last night it was emotionally difficult to be at work, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because of the big anticipation and disappointment earlier in the day, maybe fatigue, maybe because I rushed through my pre-shift prayer... I don't know.

Today's food costs:

breakfast - coffee (cost me about $1 for the whole day because I gave coffee to the workmen who were here - the reason they were here is a whole other lousy story.)
Lunch - peanut butter and jam on toast - $0.28 (the jam was almost free... that's a cool story)
yogurt - $0.76
Dinner- spaghetti & two pieces of bread - $0.75

Total food costs for the day - $2.79

I think that no matter how good for me the yogurt is, after it's gone I'm not going to buy it again. It's too much per serving and it doesn't fill me up at all. Last night/this morning, as tired as I was, I was having trouble sleeping because I was hungry.

I'm very tired today. It's hard to focus enough to even figure out what I'm supposed to be doing today, never mind actually do it. I have to figure out a way to stay positive. In business one cannot afford to be negative or sanguine.

I have to come up with many thousands of dollars by tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I'm scared today.

Respect The Clothesline

2008-01-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

Ontario is considering lifting the ban on clotheslines. I didn't even know there was such a ban!

If you hang out your clothes in the winter, don't they just freeze instead of dry?

In the summer, hanging out the clothes would be nice. That would save hydro.

Is there such a thing as a retractable clothesline? I'd like to have one that I could reel in or retract when it's not in use. That would be perfect.

CBC did an article on the issue of the clothesline ban and in it Keith Stewart of the World Wildlife Fund said that it's time to give clotheslines the respect they deserve.