The Weight

The event last night went well. There weren't as many people as I wanted to see out, but it was still a good showing and the security aspect of things went well, too.

I met a man there who told me he was once a Christian. We talked for a while and he said that the breaking point for him was when he loved Jesus with all that he had. He loved Christ so much that he wanted to be just like Him. His aspiration was to love people the way Christ loved people. He wanted to strive and dedicate his life to becoming as much like Christ as he possibly could.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Well, some people told him he shouldn't try to be like Christ because he was doomed to failure. They felt it was very wrong for him to even try.

The man was so confused and disheartened by this... and it was the last straw on the pile of straws of judgments, rules and discouragements.

So, the man decided that he couldn't help but believe in God, that he believes wholeheartedly in God, but he refuses to define God by any specific religion. Of course, this leads to more judgment heaped on him.

I've found myself praying for this man over and over. My heart feels sad and heavy for him.

People can overcome much adversity and pass many tests, but so many of these people are also crushed under the weight of the judgments of others.

... sad and unnecessary I think.

Fake Nails, People and a Bug

Life has been busy and the time is just zooming by. When I'm not working I'm either trying to sleep or doing housework or trying to get some work done outside. Being outside seems to be good for my mental health.

Haven't heard anything back re that job I applied for, but I didn't expect to hear back this soon anyway.

We have a big event on Thursday night. I'm the M.C. and of course I woke up this morning with a gigantic zit on my chin.

How is this fair?

Really...

Zits AND wrinkles?! What's that! Sheesh!

I had to re-cert on my first aid and CPR this weekend. Even at the end there were a number of people there who I wouldn't want within ten feet of me if I had a papercut.

While I was there I looked around at everyone and thought that I really love people. I prayed for God's blessing on each one of them.

Yes, I love people.

While I was there I looked around and thought that a lot of those people were so annoying that I wanted to yell at them to shut up.

Yes, people drive me crazy and I think I'm anti-social.

Upon further reflection I realized that none of them meant any harm. I think most people don't have evil or malice in their hearts when they do things that end up hurting others. Being stupid, ignorant, tactless, and making mistakes is not the same thing as intending harm or not caring about whether or not you're harming someone.

At least this is what I want to think, anyway.

I was stressing because I need a camera for this event on Thursday and I really should have a camera for work since we frequently need one. I figured I'd have to buy one and put it on my credit card; I'm trying to avoid using credit.

While rummaging through a closet looking for something else I came upon a stack of "reward dollars" for the camera store. Serendipitous. There was enough there that I got a new camera for forty bucks (which I still had to put on the credit card).

So tonight I went camera crazy, taking pictures of everything. As soon as I find time to figure out how the software works, I'll upload and post some new pics of the doggies and some other things.

I've been eating strawberries from my garden. Even considering what's lost to bugs (I don't use any chemicals) and other critters (racoons I think; I find strawberries all over the place in the mornings), I've had plenty. I'm grateful for that.

I'm allergic to the green part of the strawberry but not the fruit itself. So picking them and hulling them causes hives... but eating them causes happiness. :)

I've decided that the term "girl crazy" should be a real diagnosis. My son has a girlfriend. It seems that when he has a girlfriend his brains fall out and he forgets he has a life he's supposed to lead. *sigh*

Since my once lovely nails have mutated into these jagged things that sit on some old woman's hands which have been magically attached to my wrists for some strange reason, I thought I'd look at the possibility of artificial nails just for this event Thursday. I explored, looked, discussed and got professional advice. I looked at the fake nails and they look.... well... fake. I'm told they are beautiful and that they will make my hands look great, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I know lots of women wear them, but... I dunno... I just wouldn't feel comfortable and I know it.

****

Hey... You know what just happened?

I was sitting here, just about to say something immensely profound.. really! (smirk)... when I saw a spider crawling on the floor next to my desk.

I stood on the desk, eyes riveted on the arachnid monster, contemplating what to do. I leapt about three feet, hoping I could jump further than my diminutive opponent.

Yep... made it.

Race upstairs... gotta hurry or I'll lose him and then I won't be able to go downstairs again...

Grabbed the "Spider Blaster" bug spray... race back downstairs

and...

*gasp*

he's gone!

So, I hunted... using a broken baseboard (about 4 ft long) to move things.

Once the monster was revealed I took aim...

and blast!

He ran.

I blasted again.

I had to watch him die. Not that I like that, but I couldn't lose sight of him again and risk having him come back.

Then I used a big old rag to pick him up (can't use something as flimsy as toilet paper, you know).

As a preventative measure, I decided to spray the windowsill so his buddies wouldn't try to come in here, too.

Forgot the window was open.

The wind blew the spider blaster back in my face.

There. .... I got my aerobic exercise and killed a monster all in one night.

Yep - kinda like "Ernest Kills a Bug"

Peonies and Dogs

Here it is almost 3am and I don't need to be up but I am. I've learned that on the first night I have off from the night job, my body doesn't believe it's allowed to rest. It's not until the second night that I can get sleep - no matter how tired I am. Lately the restaurant has scheduled me so that I never get two nights off in a row, which means I do not get even one night sleep.

Every day I want to quit.

Was sick all day today, so that's not helping my productivity. Still feeling sick tonight.

On a different note, though, I'm happy the warm weather is here.

The peonies in my yard bloomed and, because I can't be out there to enjoy them, I cut them and brought them inside. They have filled a large vase and provide a burst of beauty and fragrance in here.

I keep sniffing them. I keep touching them. They are so soft. Who else but God could come up with something like a peony! I look at all the little details in the leaves, the stems, the petals, the pistols and stamens. Even something as simple as a plant is really something.

I look at my dogs like that. I watch them and appreciate every small detail. Nita has one crooked tooth in her lower jaw. I know every hair (or so it seems), every bit of colouring, their eyelashes and whiskers, the tufts of fur between the pads of their paws. I watch them breathe and think about the life that God has breathed into them.

Isn't it something? Isn't it special? I think all of these things are amazing. Who but God could even imagine something like a dog and then create it - and create each one differently.

And there's nothing like being greeted by wagging tails! I see them watching me through the window as I come up the driveway. They run to the back door to greet me. It's unconditional love (or maybe they merely recognize I'm the one who feeds them, but if that's the case please just let me have my illusion).

*****

When I see the back or side of a man's neck, I think of my son. Weird, isn't it.

I was wondering why that was and realized it's because for years I've looked at my son the same way I look at dogs and peonies and grass and everything else living. But, you see, I can't stare at him and examine him while he's watching me 'cause it would feel uncomfortable for him. So, I look at him when he's not looking, which means I'm often looking at him from the side or back, thus seeing the side or back of his neck as part of that perspective.

That boy drives me crazy in so many ways, but I love him fiercely.

Us mothers are strange creatures, but it was probably important to the survival of humans, just as most maternal behaviours of other animals is important to the survival of those species.

There's a dead bumble bee on my windowsill. He's been there for a couple of days and is deteriorating. I haven't thrown him out because I want to examine him. But I don't know anyone with a microscope. Maybe that's a good thing.... I'd be playing with the darned thing all of the time (the microscope, not the bee).

Well... there's my rambling for the night. I'm going to take an anti-nausea pill and hopefully my bed won't feel like the Queen Mary or the Titanic.

The Point In Talking

I've been sinking back into my shell.

More and more lately I've been keeping my feelings locked away tightly. I've become quiet again like I use to be.

I've been thinking, "What's the point in talking? There is no benefit to anyone therefore no point."

Oh, I'm "nice" enough and all, but not letting pieces of me out because I figure no one cares all that much anyway and it really doesn't make any difference.

I've also been wondering what the point is in trying. I've worked so hard and here I am in the same financial position as I started in. Some people do awful things and yet get rewarded while some of us try our best and get knocked down again and again.

Last night I was asking God why my best still wasn't good enough for Him. Yes, no one is good enough, but Christ came to fix that. So I was feeling like the rejected daughter again. I was never good enough for my own parents on earth so how could I think I could be good enough for God.

Feeling myself sinking into depression.... the urge to give up is powerful.... yet somewhere in here I know that I must make a choice, that I can choose to fight back. I don't know how, so I flail like a naked baby bird falling from its nest.

I noticed something I had in my dining room. It's the bible passage that says that if we ask for anything in Christ's name, the Father will do it.

I thought, "really? Is that true?"

I asked myself, "What do I believe?"

So I said a prayer. It was a weak prayer. Weak because I don't have much to put into anything. Weak because I keep getting knocked down anyway and I wonder what's the point in getting up.

So I said the prayer and nothing happened. I tried different ways to cope today. I thought about trying to reach out to someone and talk. But what's the point in talking?

This job opportunity I spoke of is a process that would take a year or more and I don't have that kind of time.

My son lost his job (not his fault, long story) and got into another car accident (this kid is a lousy driver, I think).

So, my weak little prayer went up in the midst of all the crap. Little me said something and who am I? There are earthquakes and floods and starvation and corruption going on and I'm sending up my weak little prayer in Christ's name.

That was this afternoon.

At five o'clock my friend stopped by. I haven't seen him in ages. I was glad for that. Even people like me get lonely, but it's not like I've had a lot of time to do anything about it and it's not like I saw any point in trying anyway.

My friend told me about another job opportunity. I wouldn't have to give up my calling and I would make FOUR TIMES the money I'm making at the restaurant.

That would solve a lot of problems. I also wouldn't have to work hours quite as crazy as what I'm doing now. That would mean opportunity to get to church at least sometimes and opportunity to see other human beings socially at least sometimes.

I'm going to apply tomorrow morning.

It occurred to me that I had prayed and both a friend and an opportunity literally knocked on my door.

So what's the point in talking? To tell what God has done. To say once again that Christ's name is the right one.