Steamed Fish

I want to cry my eyes out but am not letting myself. I'm afraid that if I start, I won't stop. Besides, what good does crying do?

I should be okay.

The Wayward Manager was very nice tonight. It's only 1:20am and I am home already.

I know what's wrong, though.

Tonight at the night job we got into a conversation about different ways to cook fish. I gave them my recipe for steamed fish. It's not the first recipe I've given them. One of the women asked me why I know so many authentic Chinese recipes.

The reason is What's-his-name. I learned how to cook real Chinese food for him. I loved cooking for him and his enthusiastic appreciation encouraged me to do more and do it better.

Tonight, in answer to the question about how I know these things, I simply mentioned it was because of dating whats-his-name. They started asking all sorts of questions. I dodged the questions, but it brought up all the emotion I have been pushing aside and/or covering up with my anger.

Why does my heart still ache so? Why can I not get rid of him?

Everything reminds me of him and I push that away. I try to make new memories, new mental associations.

This attachment is still so strong in spite of everything and I hate it. I don't want to feel attached. I don't want the pain of separation. I don't want the pain of being with him.

I want to not care. I want to feel indifferent.

Why is it that I can mentally and emotionally erase so much, but not him?

I have prayed about this over and over. I have had others pray for me and with me.

I have done all the rationalization in the world.

It's all to no avail.

This morning I dreamt that I was holding our baby (the one who died). I woke up terribly distraught.

Why can I not get rid of what's-his-name?

I guess I'm still boggled by what he did. On a mental level I get it; On an emotional and spiritual level it boggles me.

No matter how much I deny it or try to hide it, it's still hurting.