Nervous

If anyone gets to this post this morning, prayers would be very helpful.

I've got to testify today and the lawyer on the other side has already said he will be cross-examining me vigorously. He's already playing dirty pool. He told another lawyer that the reason I'm doing this case is because I'm dating the lawyer. Well that's simply not true! I'm not dating the lawyer and who the lawyer is has nothing to do with why I took this case.

So, he's going to make it personal. He's going to attack me personally in public, on the record.

The only thing I have right now is a faith that God will take care of things regardless of what happens today. I pray for His will. I pray that this man doesn't hurt me badly, that this boy who is in jail gets a fair hearing, that I reflect Christ in my answers and demeanor.

God help me today.

Enough

I quit the night job. I still have to work both jobs for the next two weeks.

I've learned that my limit for severe sleep deprivation, overwork and loneliness is seven months.

Now I'm worse off than when I started and I'm not well on top of it.

.

Dread

Picked up a new case last night.  This is a huge opportunity and may well be the breakthrough I need.

But it requires time and a lot of my energy.

I'm happy to give that.  I don't know how much I have to give, though because this night job is sucking the life out of me.  Not to mention the lack of time.

I want to cry.

Every single day, I dread going in to the night job.  I'm tired from the day job and know I still have to go put in another full workday at a place I hate doing a job I despise, every day feeling the negative effects on my physical and mental health.

I can't go to church.  I can't see my family.  I have trouble making plans to do anything with anybody, so people just stop bothering to try - and I completely understand (I've stopped trying, too, for the most part).  My house is a mess, and I still can't pay the bills.

What's the point?

I want so much to simply not show up tonight.  To heck with them.

The problem is that the "them" are real human beings who would have a really tough time if I didn't show up.  I can't do it to them.

But I'm getting to my breaking point.

I just cannot keep on like this.

God, please lift me out of this mess.  I can't do any more.  My body cannot take anymore.

I need out of that night job and I need clients who can and do pay for the services provided them.

Prayers would be appreciated.

4am

4am

so tired

gotta get up soon

endless work-weeks

doing everything i can think of

why does it work for other people but not me?

Not Asking For Happiness

By the end of the day workday (before I started the night job) I was feeling pretty tired and had had enough of people.  I recognized that I was feeling crusty enough that any flaws I saw in others would be magnified - by my own mind.  Not fair to others, so I thought I'd pray about it.

Funny, though... I didn't ask God to change my mood.  I didn't ask for extra energy or less fatigue.  I didn't ask for happiness.

It didn't occur to me to ask for those things.

I asked that He would allow me to see people through His eyes.

I do believe He gave me what I asked for.

Immediately, every person I saw became a real individual - not a nameless face driving a car or grumbling to themselves or whatever.  It wasn't like I could read their minds or anything... but like I could see through.

Then there was something else... something further, deeper.

And there was feeling accompanying this... I don't know how to describe it.

And what I saw wasn't necessarily good, either.

It was very powerful.  God has done this for me before.

My mood changed.  We all know that happens when we're not focussed on only ourselves.

And tonight there was a breakthrough with the Wayward Manager.  I give all the credit to God.

The Weight

The event last night went well. There weren't as many people as I wanted to see out, but it was still a good showing and the security aspect of things went well, too.

I met a man there who told me he was once a Christian. We talked for a while and he said that the breaking point for him was when he loved Jesus with all that he had. He loved Christ so much that he wanted to be just like Him. His aspiration was to love people the way Christ loved people. He wanted to strive and dedicate his life to becoming as much like Christ as he possibly could.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Well, some people told him he shouldn't try to be like Christ because he was doomed to failure. They felt it was very wrong for him to even try.

The man was so confused and disheartened by this... and it was the last straw on the pile of straws of judgments, rules and discouragements.

So, the man decided that he couldn't help but believe in God, that he believes wholeheartedly in God, but he refuses to define God by any specific religion. Of course, this leads to more judgment heaped on him.

I've found myself praying for this man over and over. My heart feels sad and heavy for him.

People can overcome much adversity and pass many tests, but so many of these people are also crushed under the weight of the judgments of others.

... sad and unnecessary I think.

Fake Nails, People and a Bug

Life has been busy and the time is just zooming by. When I'm not working I'm either trying to sleep or doing housework or trying to get some work done outside. Being outside seems to be good for my mental health.

Haven't heard anything back re that job I applied for, but I didn't expect to hear back this soon anyway.

We have a big event on Thursday night. I'm the M.C. and of course I woke up this morning with a gigantic zit on my chin.

How is this fair?

Really...

Zits AND wrinkles?! What's that! Sheesh!

I had to re-cert on my first aid and CPR this weekend. Even at the end there were a number of people there who I wouldn't want within ten feet of me if I had a papercut.

While I was there I looked around at everyone and thought that I really love people. I prayed for God's blessing on each one of them.

Yes, I love people.

While I was there I looked around and thought that a lot of those people were so annoying that I wanted to yell at them to shut up.

Yes, people drive me crazy and I think I'm anti-social.

Upon further reflection I realized that none of them meant any harm. I think most people don't have evil or malice in their hearts when they do things that end up hurting others. Being stupid, ignorant, tactless, and making mistakes is not the same thing as intending harm or not caring about whether or not you're harming someone.

At least this is what I want to think, anyway.

I was stressing because I need a camera for this event on Thursday and I really should have a camera for work since we frequently need one. I figured I'd have to buy one and put it on my credit card; I'm trying to avoid using credit.

While rummaging through a closet looking for something else I came upon a stack of "reward dollars" for the camera store. Serendipitous. There was enough there that I got a new camera for forty bucks (which I still had to put on the credit card).

So tonight I went camera crazy, taking pictures of everything. As soon as I find time to figure out how the software works, I'll upload and post some new pics of the doggies and some other things.

I've been eating strawberries from my garden. Even considering what's lost to bugs (I don't use any chemicals) and other critters (racoons I think; I find strawberries all over the place in the mornings), I've had plenty. I'm grateful for that.

I'm allergic to the green part of the strawberry but not the fruit itself. So picking them and hulling them causes hives... but eating them causes happiness. :)

I've decided that the term "girl crazy" should be a real diagnosis. My son has a girlfriend. It seems that when he has a girlfriend his brains fall out and he forgets he has a life he's supposed to lead. *sigh*

Since my once lovely nails have mutated into these jagged things that sit on some old woman's hands which have been magically attached to my wrists for some strange reason, I thought I'd look at the possibility of artificial nails just for this event Thursday. I explored, looked, discussed and got professional advice. I looked at the fake nails and they look.... well... fake. I'm told they are beautiful and that they will make my hands look great, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I know lots of women wear them, but... I dunno... I just wouldn't feel comfortable and I know it.

****

Hey... You know what just happened?

I was sitting here, just about to say something immensely profound.. really! (smirk)... when I saw a spider crawling on the floor next to my desk.

I stood on the desk, eyes riveted on the arachnid monster, contemplating what to do. I leapt about three feet, hoping I could jump further than my diminutive opponent.

Yep... made it.

Race upstairs... gotta hurry or I'll lose him and then I won't be able to go downstairs again...

Grabbed the "Spider Blaster" bug spray... race back downstairs

and...

*gasp*

he's gone!

So, I hunted... using a broken baseboard (about 4 ft long) to move things.

Once the monster was revealed I took aim...

and blast!

He ran.

I blasted again.

I had to watch him die. Not that I like that, but I couldn't lose sight of him again and risk having him come back.

Then I used a big old rag to pick him up (can't use something as flimsy as toilet paper, you know).

As a preventative measure, I decided to spray the windowsill so his buddies wouldn't try to come in here, too.

Forgot the window was open.

The wind blew the spider blaster back in my face.

There. .... I got my aerobic exercise and killed a monster all in one night.

Yep - kinda like "Ernest Kills a Bug"

Peonies and Dogs

Here it is almost 3am and I don't need to be up but I am. I've learned that on the first night I have off from the night job, my body doesn't believe it's allowed to rest. It's not until the second night that I can get sleep - no matter how tired I am. Lately the restaurant has scheduled me so that I never get two nights off in a row, which means I do not get even one night sleep.

Every day I want to quit.

Was sick all day today, so that's not helping my productivity. Still feeling sick tonight.

On a different note, though, I'm happy the warm weather is here.

The peonies in my yard bloomed and, because I can't be out there to enjoy them, I cut them and brought them inside. They have filled a large vase and provide a burst of beauty and fragrance in here.

I keep sniffing them. I keep touching them. They are so soft. Who else but God could come up with something like a peony! I look at all the little details in the leaves, the stems, the petals, the pistols and stamens. Even something as simple as a plant is really something.

I look at my dogs like that. I watch them and appreciate every small detail. Nita has one crooked tooth in her lower jaw. I know every hair (or so it seems), every bit of colouring, their eyelashes and whiskers, the tufts of fur between the pads of their paws. I watch them breathe and think about the life that God has breathed into them.

Isn't it something? Isn't it special? I think all of these things are amazing. Who but God could even imagine something like a dog and then create it - and create each one differently.

And there's nothing like being greeted by wagging tails! I see them watching me through the window as I come up the driveway. They run to the back door to greet me. It's unconditional love (or maybe they merely recognize I'm the one who feeds them, but if that's the case please just let me have my illusion).

*****

When I see the back or side of a man's neck, I think of my son. Weird, isn't it.

I was wondering why that was and realized it's because for years I've looked at my son the same way I look at dogs and peonies and grass and everything else living. But, you see, I can't stare at him and examine him while he's watching me 'cause it would feel uncomfortable for him. So, I look at him when he's not looking, which means I'm often looking at him from the side or back, thus seeing the side or back of his neck as part of that perspective.

That boy drives me crazy in so many ways, but I love him fiercely.

Us mothers are strange creatures, but it was probably important to the survival of humans, just as most maternal behaviours of other animals is important to the survival of those species.

There's a dead bumble bee on my windowsill. He's been there for a couple of days and is deteriorating. I haven't thrown him out because I want to examine him. But I don't know anyone with a microscope. Maybe that's a good thing.... I'd be playing with the darned thing all of the time (the microscope, not the bee).

Well... there's my rambling for the night. I'm going to take an anti-nausea pill and hopefully my bed won't feel like the Queen Mary or the Titanic.

The Point In Talking

I've been sinking back into my shell.

More and more lately I've been keeping my feelings locked away tightly. I've become quiet again like I use to be.

I've been thinking, "What's the point in talking? There is no benefit to anyone therefore no point."

Oh, I'm "nice" enough and all, but not letting pieces of me out because I figure no one cares all that much anyway and it really doesn't make any difference.

I've also been wondering what the point is in trying. I've worked so hard and here I am in the same financial position as I started in. Some people do awful things and yet get rewarded while some of us try our best and get knocked down again and again.

Last night I was asking God why my best still wasn't good enough for Him. Yes, no one is good enough, but Christ came to fix that. So I was feeling like the rejected daughter again. I was never good enough for my own parents on earth so how could I think I could be good enough for God.

Feeling myself sinking into depression.... the urge to give up is powerful.... yet somewhere in here I know that I must make a choice, that I can choose to fight back. I don't know how, so I flail like a naked baby bird falling from its nest.

I noticed something I had in my dining room. It's the bible passage that says that if we ask for anything in Christ's name, the Father will do it.

I thought, "really? Is that true?"

I asked myself, "What do I believe?"

So I said a prayer. It was a weak prayer. Weak because I don't have much to put into anything. Weak because I keep getting knocked down anyway and I wonder what's the point in getting up.

So I said the prayer and nothing happened. I tried different ways to cope today. I thought about trying to reach out to someone and talk. But what's the point in talking?

This job opportunity I spoke of is a process that would take a year or more and I don't have that kind of time.

My son lost his job (not his fault, long story) and got into another car accident (this kid is a lousy driver, I think).

So, my weak little prayer went up in the midst of all the crap. Little me said something and who am I? There are earthquakes and floods and starvation and corruption going on and I'm sending up my weak little prayer in Christ's name.

That was this afternoon.

At five o'clock my friend stopped by. I haven't seen him in ages. I was glad for that. Even people like me get lonely, but it's not like I've had a lot of time to do anything about it and it's not like I saw any point in trying anyway.

My friend told me about another job opportunity. I wouldn't have to give up my calling and I would make FOUR TIMES the money I'm making at the restaurant.

That would solve a lot of problems. I also wouldn't have to work hours quite as crazy as what I'm doing now. That would mean opportunity to get to church at least sometimes and opportunity to see other human beings socially at least sometimes.

I'm going to apply tomorrow morning.

It occurred to me that I had prayed and both a friend and an opportunity literally knocked on my door.

So what's the point in talking? To tell what God has done. To say once again that Christ's name is the right one.

Snippets

Psycho-guy quit work. He's gone into hiding because some bad drug-dealing dudes are after him. Rough stuff for him, but the fact that he quit is good news for a lot of other people.

The Wayward Manager is doing her best to make my time at work miserable. Sometimes it works, but mostly it doesn't.

God and the dogs and cats are keeping me sane.

I got my raise, which is good. But here's the rub - I'm still in exactly the same financial position I was in when I started this except now I'm working two jobs instead of one. The difference is that I don't have people in my house, which is good, but I don't have that income.

Requesting prayer: I want to apply for a different job. The process is onerous and the chance slim that I'll get it, but it would solve a lot of issues and I do think that prayer works and that what I'm going for is in line with what God wants from me.

Doctor's visit: The doc says my knee is healing okay. Another 4 weeks before it will feel better, but at least it's coming along. Also, I found out that I'm not getting nearly enough calcium. I was quite surprised at how short my diet falls.

Outside: I so enjoy being outside in the warm weather, even if I can only be out for short periods of time.

I managed to plant some beans. Normally, I would dig up the whole garden one day, prepare the soil the next day and then plant on the third day. The thing is I don't have a whole day. I haven't had a day off since... February? Anyway, I dug up and prepared a small section of garden and planted 8 bean plants. Hopefully I'll get time to plant some other things soon.

Was attacked by a raspberry plant. I survived the adventure and was reminded of it again at bedtime. Every time I laid my head down, it hurt. I kept looking at the pillow to see what in the heck was on it that was hurting my head.

Nothing.

Figured out that I had raspberry burrs in my hair.

Maybe that's why my mother made me brush my hair before bed. I never understood that... why brush your hair before bed? It's like putting on lipstick before bed. *shrug* Oh, well. :)

Too tired to think...

I should try to get some sleep. I have a meeting with a new client for the day job tomorrow and have to work at the night job as well. Then I might have court Thursday morning, then the night job... you know how it goes.

I have to change something but I don't know what and I don't know if I'd know how.

I Don't Dance

The Wayward Manager gave me a hard time again all night tonight. It's become obvious that she feels threatened and wants to push me out. The only threat to her is herself.

One of the big bosses came to me to ask me a question. It wasn't a big deal. I answered the question and went back to what I was doing. The Wayward Manager pulled me aside and demanded to know what he'd asked me and what I'd said, word for word. Then she wanted to know if I was sure that's all he'd asked and that was all I'd said.

I wanted to tell her the sky was falling. Sheesh.

Another manager pulled me aside and told me that she is saying good things to the boss about me. She wants me to team up with her to help push the Wayward Manager out of there.

I just listened.

I'm not about to get into pushing anyone anywhere. Of course I won't be quiet if I see abuses or crime, but I'm not going to play games.

Yeah, yeah, I know... I know there's a dance, I know one should know how to do the dance, blah, blah...

My answer is this: I don't dance.

Even For Me?

Tonight I had a cheeseburger loaded with vegetables (okay... and a few slices of bacon... mmmmm), a salad and an iced tea. Really I should have milk, but something about drinking milk with eating beef makes my stomach upset. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. :)

Psycho guy had a bit of a blow up. He has mini blow-ups all of the time, but this one was a little worse. This time he started yelling and swearing at a manager.

The Wayward Manager gave me a rough time tonight. I just shrugged it off, though. Really it's about her, not about me, so there's no point in getting upset and playing into her drama.

There is going to be an investigation. Apparently the Wayward Manager lost a significant amount of money. This is an example of why she should have been following procedure. It's a big deal.

There was a discussion tonight about security. I made it quite clear to the staff that I would not be budging off of protocol when it comes to security and, that no matter who argued with me or how much they hated me, I wasn't going to allow their safety to be compromised on my watch.

I expected the usual grumbling and excuse-making, but that didn't happen. Most of them just got quiet. A couple of them came to me and confided that they did not feel safe and were glad that I was interested in looking after their safety.

Someone commented that I could lose my job as manager if one of the staff got hurt. I told them that losing my job would be the last thing on my mind and that I would feel horrible if anything happened to any one of them.

One young fellow came to me and said, "For real you would feel bad?"

me: "Yes! Absolutely!"

him: "Even if it was me... even for me?"

Suddenly this young man who towered over me was a small and vulnerable little boy.

I looked straight into his eyes and said, "Yes, if it was you. Yes, for you."

I wanted to pick him up and hug him. Of course, I didn't because that would be inappropriate, not to mention totally creep him out. Besides, I don't think I could've lifted him anyway.

Funny... In my mind, heart and soul, that I would feel for someone who suffered (especially someone for whom I was responsible), is a given, obvious. For this young man it wasn't a given that I'd feel for him specifically. A lot of us do that with Jesus.

Even for me, Lord?

Yes, for you.

Free Food, Politics and Rambling

Two nights in a row I've received free meals from the restaurant. I didn't know that becoming manager came with the perk of a 100% discount off of my meal. Wow! I've decided to stay away from the pop and fries, but there's lots of stuff there that is actually healthy (or at least not heart attack and diabetes on a plate). This means I am guaranteed at least one good meal a day as long as I work there.

Quite frustrated tonight... Since I started the night job I've noticed that their security is terrible. They don't even follow their own rules re security. I remarked about this on several occasions.

Then I put it in writing and gave it to the boss. I wrote what I noticed, what the policy is, the fact that the policy is good, and that it's not being followed. I expressed my concern and was specific. Then I asked if perhaps there was some great reason why these things weren't happening as they should and I just didn't know about the great reason.

The boss came to me, told me I was right, said that these things should not be happening and that she would deal with them.

They continue to happen.

I refuse to break the rules about security and the staff get really upset with me because sometimes it's inconvenient. I explained to them why I'm following the rules. A lot of them understand it. One manager remarked that she'd actually never really thought about it before. (Some of these infractions are VERY serious). Some of the staff do the same thing that drives me crazy at the day job, which is that they take the attitude of "It will never happen here".

Tonight I was trying to enforce a very important security rule and the staff decided they didn't have to listen to me because the Wayward Manager was present and she always lets them ignore the rule. I looked to the Wayward Manager for support and received none - in front of everyone.

I actually don't give a crap what they think of me; I do care that they follow those protocols so that serious harm does not befall them.

*sigh*

I have court tomorrow again. Awful case (you can read about it tomorrow on the work blog). Someone had the gall to tell me that if a prostitute gets raped that it's pretty much her own fault and that she deserves it. I was so angry that I couldn't even speak. Imagine that - me not talking! It's not that I had nothing to say; I had plenty to say. I just knew there was no point. I will however address the issue - and publicly. Someone else made a comment on the other blog (I haven't published that comment yet) that is also victim blaming garbage. It's just a matter of when I have time (and the energy to put together a coherent train of thought) to address it.

Been following the news re the FLDS compound in Texas. Prayers for those children and those who have been brainwashed (I use the term "brainwashed" very loosely).

Been finding that too much coffee bothers my stomach. I don't understand this. I use to be able to drink gallons of it, but cannot anymore. Three cups a day and I switch to decaffeinated tea. Probably better for me anyway.

Haven't had a chance to be outside. I miss outside.

Love my dogs. Every minute with them is a gift. :)

Had salad (free!) two days in a row. Have started taking multivitamins. Do they really do any good?

Better go to bed. 5:30 am comes awfully fast.

Home Early

The Wayward Manager let me go home early tonight, so I can actually blog while I have my work uniform in the washer.

I've had no time.

People think that I make good use of my time because I'm always multi-tasking, don't idle, and work so many hours. I think that time is making use of me and not the other way around.

Injured my knee at work. It should be okay, but there's all sorts of paperwork to fill out and required doctor's visits.... like I have time for that.

All the tenants are gone from my house, but I'm still left with the damage. Now I don't have the rental income any more, but at least it's quiet here for a change.

The day job is going okay, except that I keep falling asleep at my desk - very bad.

I don't know how much longer my body will take this.

I feel fortunate to have really good friends, friends who don't get all upset with me because I don't have time for anything.

Thoughts of Carey (aka what's-his-name) are haunting me.

I'm still not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, which is writing. I'm doing it a little bit.

I'm bad for putting things off. "I'll have time tomorrow", I think. But tomorrow came and went and now I don't have time.

While trying to get my two hours sleep I had awful chest pains. It was bad enough that it scared me and I thought I'd better call for help, call 911. But I couldn't get up.

So I lay there thinking, "Is this how it ends? My boy will find me in the morning. What will happen to him? Someone will have to sort through all of my belongings. Who will take care of the dogs? Wonder what my pastors will say about me at my funeral. I didn't even get where I wanted to go...."

Obviously, everything was fine. I woke up a few hours later.

I must write this book, this one I was supposed to write two years ago and put off. But now how will I do it? With what time? Where am I going to get the money to live?

I complained to the boss again about getting out of work so late.

Psycho-guy is ticked off at me because I wouldn't let him into the back of the store when he wasn't scheduled. He's also mad because I refused to take care of that cat any longer. tick, tick, tick....

Well... I'm rambling. In spite of the fact I'm home early, I'm still very tired.

Nothing Like It

My heart was beating too quickly; It was uncomfortable. The adrenaline surges kept coming.

Stress.

A physical response to stress.

I thought, "What am I thinking that is causing this?"

I thought, "Part of my brain is telling me to hurry up and get things done. Part of my brain is thinking that I won't be able to meet the mortgage payment in two weeks. Part of my brain is thinking a lot of different things - all legitimate but still all worrisome."

I thought, "What can I do about these things right now?"

The answer - nothing.

I thought, "Then I have to do something about this physical response. Simply not worrying is not a realistic solution. If I do something productive I can release some of this negative energy and get my brain focussed on something else."

Oh, but my body is so tired and sore. I have to be careful to use what little energy I have for work.

I glanced down and saw the puppy curled up at my feet.

Why am I not paying attention to my surroundings?

I thought, "I'm going to give this puppy my attention. She needs it and so do I."

I got right down beside her and pet her. I snuggled with her. I looked at her, noticing every detail about her, every little marking, muscle, whisker and eyelash. I thanked God for His creation. I thanked God for this little soul. I thanked God for that moment with her.

There's nothing in the world like snuggling with a puppy.

There's nothing in the world like snuggling with this particular puppy.

There's nothing in the world like taking a big breath of fresh air (even if it makes me sneeze after).

There's nothing in the world like that purple flower that's decided to take root in the middle of my vegetable garden and it's contrast of colour against the brown deadness of winter... it's symbolization of hope for sunnier times ahead.

There's nothing in the world like the chatter of your child - no matter what age.

There's nothing in the world like fresh clean sheets.

There's nothing in the world like a hot shower when your body is tired and grimey.

There's nothing in the world like a sunny day.

There's nothing in the world like a rainy day - especially when you are inside and appreciative of being warm and dry and home.

The list goes on and on....

Thank you, God for all of these things. Thank You for creating our brains in such a way that we have a choice to live in the moment or not, that we have memory so we can remember other good moments, other good things that You have given.

So, my tired and achy body is still giving me a stress response, but it's not as extreme. Still, I'm working through it. Still I recognize and experience much for which I am grateful.

Boring is fine by me

Give enough rope....

People are starting to see that all is not as it seems with the psychopath. I haven't been saying much, just watching and being cautious. He's stealing and people are catching on. He's scamming - food, rides, attention, money "loans" - and people are starting to catch on. They are starting to talk to each other. The only thing I say to them is to be careful. Of course, they are not worried; They all know how to deal with people. Yeah - just like they all knew how not to get scammed.

tick, tick, tick....

I talked to the boss about security. There are lots of ways in which the staff are causing us to be a soft target for criminals. Security protocols aren't being followed. The staff know why the procedures are there, but they, like so many, believe nothing bad will ever happen to them. I try to explain, but I'm just paranoid and jaded.

The Wayward Manager is trying out some new games. They are not working so well for her, but she doesn't seem to have noticed that yet. It's too bad because she has a lot of potential; She has lots going for her and it gets buried in ego.

The other manager is trying to protect me. I've never asked for this protection, the alliance, but I sure do appreciate it.

So I've lost my rental income and the second job wasn't enough even with the rental income...

This is frustrating.

Still, I feel great joy when I am with my dogs.

Another unexpected positive - pretty soon I will get my raise that goes with the promotion. I was told that the pay rate was $1.25 above minimum wage. I found out last night that they will be giving me $2.25 above minimum wage. That's a big difference. That's still not nearly enough for me to pay the bills, but it's a whole dollar an hour more than what I expected.

Last night the boss told me, "You are my example. You are going to lead the other managers by the way you do things."

Nice compliment - Kinda scary, though. Yes I want to do a top notch job anyway; When other people put that kind of faith in me it ups the ante in my mind.

Hopeful things going on with the day job stuff. But I've been here before. I'm not going to get too excited about anything until I see actual results.

Depending on who is working Saturday night (therefore what time we close), I might just get to go to church this Sunday. We will see about that, too. But I don't have to work on Sunday for a change.

Really there's nothing exciting going on here. I think that's a good thing, though. Boring frees one up to be able to think about important stuff - like dogs and spring flowers.

Sleep!

I got sleep on Friday night AND Saturday night! I worked day-shift on the second job, so I still had to get up at 5:30 am but at least I got to sleep two whole nights.

Wow!

After the first sleep, I felt better but still tired. After the second sleep, surprisingly, I REALLY did not want to go to work. I wanted to quit!

Strange reaction, don't you think?

I'm guessing that some part of my brain is saying "Why do this? Now you remember what it feels like to get a night's sleep. Why torture yourself again?"

Or maybe it's because having sleep contributes to a person's ability to be rational. And what rational person wants to do what I've been doing? Plus, being so sleep-deprived for so long... well, you sort of walk around like a zombie, just doing whatever is expected. Work here, do this task, then on to the next...

No, I didn't quit my job.

The male tenant was supposed to pick up his stuff yesterday. Two hours after he was supposed to show up, he called to say it would be another hour. Then it was going to be another two hours. I told him I was going to bed before that. I suggested that he come, load up the truck, and then if where he was keeping his things wasn't yet available, at least he would have it all loaded up and out of here. I told him to talk to his friend about it and call me back. I expected to hear back from him fairly shortly after that.

Nope.

I had just drifted off to sleep when the phone started ringing and ringing. No way I was getting up to have an argument with someone who obviously doesn't pay attention to anything I say anyway. I'd have become stressed and not got the sleep - and I think I deserve a decent night's sleep at this point.

Oh, by the way... this cold, mean, unreasonable person that I supposedly am, was awarded "Employee of the Month".

Yeah, I know, it's a dumb little thing. But still, I don't think they would have given me that if I was so horrible.

In spite of two nights sleep, I'm still awfully tired.

Updates

Updates...

The male tenant is gone but his cat and his stuff are still here. He showed up here to find the locks had been changed and he rang the doorbell for an hour and kept banging on my kitchen window. He ended up punching the house a few times before he left. He also sent my son some crass sexually oriented messages about me. My son kept telling me to let the guy in and just talk to him in order to stop the escalation.

Well, given that I'd already repeatedly tried the talking to him route, that I wasn't going to give the guy what he wanted whether I opened the door or not, and given the kinds of messages he was texting to my son about me, the guy's attitude of doing whatever he wants regardless of anything I say, the incessant bell ringing and the angry punching the house, I believed that opening the door would have done nothing to de-escalate the situation and would simply reward his bad behaviour thereby reinforcing that behaviour. The guy knows how to phone me, write a letter, call the police if he truly feels he's right. Instead he chose an angry forceful route, communicating with physicality rather than words or reason. No. I knew better than to open the door.

I won't get into the full explanation about all that; You get the general idea.

The neighbour was sneaking around on the far side of my driveway two days ago. I went out to see if there was something wrong. It turns out he saw my son's car and thought it was the male tenant and was coming to check on me and was ready for a physical confrontation with this guy.

I thought that was exceptionally good of him to do that, to even think to do that. How many people would willingly put themselves in harm's way for a neighbour?

There are four people who think I did the right thing by changing the locks - my two pastors, my neighbour, and me. It seems that everyone else thinks I'm cold-hearted, cruel, mean, unfair, unreasonable.

I do not care. (Well, okay, yes it bugs me, but it's not going to change what I've decided to do here.)

People at work are asking about it. Very loudly, so as many people as possible could overhear (but without being actually disruptive or anything), I said that no matter what I did or didn't do somebody would think it's wrong; People criticize me for letting people get away with too much, but then when I say 'enough', 'no', they criticize me and say I'm mean or cold or unreasonable.

It's so easy to judge, isn't it.... so easy to criticize.

My son told me that I have changed. He said that there was a time when nothing upset me, when I never got upset or excited about anything. People use to use the word, "unflappable" to describe me. For the past couple of years I've been very different from that. I did not like hearing this from my boy, but he's right. I am exploring the reasons why, how, and making some conscious choices about where I'm going mentally and emotionally and how I'm going to get there.

One of the things Pastor R said to me was, "If it was some other lady saying this stuff [about the tenant situation] you'd be all over it!"

He was absolutely right.

I wrote to a friend of mine who has been in law enforcement for many years and who is also a volunteer firefighter. I asked him if he protects and advocates for himself as much or as strongly as he does for other people. His answer was that he does not and neither do so many other protectors. He also said that the worst ones, the ones who protect themselves the least, are the Christians.

Wow. Lots of implications there.

Then he said something else. He said that Christ said to love others as you love yourself. Jesus did NOT say love others instead of yourself.

Pastor R also pointed out that when Jesus was on the cross, the thief on one side of Him wanted help and received it. That thief went to paradise.

The other thief didn't want any help. So what did Jesus do? He didn't give it! He didn't say, 'oh please listen to me'. He let the guy make the choice. He let that guy go to hell.

I think that's powerful stuff. Lots of implications there, too, aren't there.

Back to work - I've been looking forward to this management position and hoping that the scheduling and less physically demanding work would allow me to go to church on Sundays (without having meltdowns in the pastor's office). They want me to work days every Sunday. I told them again that I really want to be able to go to church. The boss agreed (again), so we'll see what happens.

The psychopath continues to be passive-aggressive (and sometimes just aggressive) at work. He has hit me with brooms, handled scrub brushes and a squeegee. Of course it's all accidental, he says.

An accident is when you bump into someone; It's not accidental when you aim, then hit someone several times in rapid succession.

I've warned the managers and the senior boss about the guy. I've said I do not feel safe with him. I've said that they have to watch him and have to watch out for vulnerable staff. The guy is a ticking bomb and I've told them this. Whether they listen is another matter.

More is going to happen with all of this. I'm just glad that it is now much less likely to be happening in my own home.

tick, tick, tick, tick......

Enough

don't even know what to say...

Too much has happened and I'm just so tired... and sick of all this.

Called Pastor R yesterday and he was a big help.

Thinking about lots of things - situations, people, right and wrong, trying to hear God's voice but can't always, looking at what's wrong with me, what I need to change about me.

How long can one tread water in the waves?

Tired of a lot of things.

It's enough already.

I've had enough.

Never Going In There Again!

People at the night job think I'm this hugely strong, and even tough, person. My son adds to that perception by telling them stories about people being afraid of me. (That makes me laugh. I'm not a mean person, really!)

Their perception was strengthened when I took on the Wayward Manager. The perception was strengthened when I met with the senior boss expecting change (they are all afraid to do such a thing). I find that interesting since these are not all the result of "toughness" but action borne of other values and beliefs.

It was strengthened once again with an incident a couple of weeks ago. Some men came into the store just before close. They were eyeballing the cash register, the staff, the layout and the doors. They made a phone call and shortly thereafter there was a car sitting right at the door with the engine running - unusual in the first place, but more unusual because it was there for so long and the men seemed to have been communicating through the window with the driver.

They were really eyeballing us. I had a bad, creepy feeling about it. I know from experience and training to never ignore a bad creepy feeling. I thought about it and decided there were enough facts to take some minor action.

I went to the manager and pretty much ordered her to remove the cash drawer from the register and lock it in the office - right now. I don't know why, exactly, but she immediately complied without question.

About five minutes later another group of men came to the door, which was locked by that time. The men inside got up to go let them in.

The staff stood watching, finally curious and nervous. (I hadn't said anything to them.)

I went out and stood between the men and the door and told them they weren't letting anyone in.

They looked at me as though they were sizing me up, reading me. They decided to go sit down. They left shortly after and I made a point of being there to ensure they didn't let anyone in. They got into the car that had been running and it rolled away.

Afterwards, the other staff admitted they were afraid.

And so they think I have great courage (I don't think that what I did was courageous; It's not like anyone had a gun to me or anything).

So last night I was in the back room. We had received a big order of stock and it was also closing time. I noticed something moving across the floor.

It was a big, huge, humongous, mammoth, spider!!

Black, hairy, fast.

I screamed like a girl.

I did a little dance-on-the-spot whilst screaming like said girl.

The Wicked Step-sister came running. "What's going on?!"

Still dancing on the spot, unable to speak because my breath was taken up by a silent scream, I pointed to the monster.

Oh, she relished this situation!

She went and stood near the thing, watching it. She said, "Oh, he's a big one."

The manager came back to see what was happening. She sees me dancing on the spot and looks thoroughly confused.

She sees the spider.

Looks back at me (am now dancing on my tip-toes and not breathing).

A grin spread across her face.

She doesn't like the behemoth either, but wasn't gonna let me know that.

I screeched, "Well kill it for Pete's sake, kill it!"

Well, that was it. Now the manager couldn't breathe either - because she was laughing so hard! She was doubled over in laughter.

The Wicked Step-sister saved the day by stomping on the spider.

I was all grossed out. That's funny, too. I can see human brains on the road, horrific crime scenes and not bat an eye, but bug guts make my stomach turn over. What is that?!

They figured the monster came from the fruit or vegetable crates that were delivered and that it had ventured out of the walk-in fridge.

I said, "I'm never going into that walk-in again!"

They laughed.

I said, "I mean it! I'm asserting my right not to engage in unsafe work!" (I was joking at that point. Safe now, since Boris the spider was dead)

The manager doubled over in laughter again.

There's a scene in the movie "Sleepy Hollow" (Johnny Depp) where the guy comes to face the headless horseman and is crazily brave. But he sees a spider in his room and reacts with great fear. My son loves this scene and says that character is like me.