There's too much going on and it's too late to write much. I'll have to add it to the list of things I want to write about...
Thought I'd tell you something funny, though (for a change of pace, here).
I was working at the drive-thru window for the very first time. I had no idea what I was doing and everyone was too busy to teach me anything, so I just smiled a lot and hoped for the best.
There's a motion sensor at the window so the window opens when you stand against the sensor. It stays open until you move away. Well, I thought that all you had to do was stand in front of it, not right against the thing.
A car pulled up...
I had the order ready.
I stood against the sensor.
The window opened.
It's all good. I start to hand the order to the customer in the car, but as I leaned over, my hip was no longer against the sensor.
The window closed...
... with me still hanging outside.
Should have seen the looks on the faces of the customers!
I bet the look on my face was pretty funny, too.
Then... it happened again. (...images of Homer Simpson touching the stove five times... doh! doh! doh! ...)
I was afraid of that darned window until someone could explain to me that you always have to be right up on that sensor.
Would have made an embarrassing You-Tube.
Security expert attacked by Drive-Thru window. Oh, yeah. Real smart.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tumbling Down
And the walls came tumbling down....
in a very bad way.
My son lost his apartment. As of Friday, he has to be out, no place to put his furniture, has to figure out what to do with his cat... He's crushed and so am I.
I have given so much to strangers over time that now I don't have the means to help my own child. I never thought we would be here.
I can't tell you what it's like to watch your child's spirit and self esteem be crushed and be powerless to help him.
I was expecting income from two different sources - neither came through as they should have.
Why?
Why?
Why?
in a very bad way.
My son lost his apartment. As of Friday, he has to be out, no place to put his furniture, has to figure out what to do with his cat... He's crushed and so am I.
I have given so much to strangers over time that now I don't have the means to help my own child. I never thought we would be here.
I can't tell you what it's like to watch your child's spirit and self esteem be crushed and be powerless to help him.
I was expecting income from two different sources - neither came through as they should have.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Trading Problems
It's just after 1am and I get to go to bed - imagine that. And I don't have to get up until 6am.
Not much to say today - worked hard (still made zero dollars, but it's gotta pay off sooner or later, one way or another, right?)
Made arrangements to have a truckload of the ex-tenant's garbage taken away. The company doing the work is a new company, which is part of why I gave them my business. I'll be talking to the owner tomorrow - a new contact perhaps?
Gosh... never before have I seen meeting people as making "contacts". Not sure I like that thinking so much...
My son called - He's run into more difficulty. I wasn't much help except to calm him down a bit (after I'd frustrated him) and get him to think more broadly. Sometimes that boy says or does things and I wonder who raised him... Then again, he's the same boy who told his grade 1 teacher that mothers sew things for their kids. The teacher thought that was just grand - I don't know where he got that idea since even at that age he knew his mother could barely sew on a button!
Puppy threw up on my bed. She's okay, though. It's not so bad... was an excuse to put on fresh sheets - which I'm looking forward to crawling into soon. :)
Thanked God for everything today (I think so, anyway) and recognized that there is so much of Him that I just do not see. I wonder if He gets frustrated with us. I wonder if He sometimes looks at us and shakes His head and thinks, "Where do my kids GET these IDEAS?!! What are they THINKING?!!"
Yep - If God could go crazy, we'd be enough to drive Him there.
In the morning we're doing paperwork for the re-financing. If you could remember, please pray that it all goes smoothly. I do not believe that God wants me to lose my home. I do believe I need His help in some pretty big ways.
Tomorrow night I might even have time to do something in my kitchen... That would be nice. I'm not working the second job because the restaurant is undergoing some renovations. Smaller paycheck for me, which is bad; But a bit of a break and a chance to catch up, which is good.
I was telling my boy today, we just exchange one set of problems for another. We just gotta keep trying to solve them, and choose, when we can, the set of problems we want to have.
I keep getting the sense that, in spite of how bad it all seems, that something's going to happen... something's going to change for the better - but I don't know what or how. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking. .... still... there's this strange feeling of positive anticipation and I don't know where it's coming from....
Not much to say today - worked hard (still made zero dollars, but it's gotta pay off sooner or later, one way or another, right?)
Made arrangements to have a truckload of the ex-tenant's garbage taken away. The company doing the work is a new company, which is part of why I gave them my business. I'll be talking to the owner tomorrow - a new contact perhaps?
Gosh... never before have I seen meeting people as making "contacts". Not sure I like that thinking so much...
My son called - He's run into more difficulty. I wasn't much help except to calm him down a bit (after I'd frustrated him) and get him to think more broadly. Sometimes that boy says or does things and I wonder who raised him... Then again, he's the same boy who told his grade 1 teacher that mothers sew things for their kids. The teacher thought that was just grand - I don't know where he got that idea since even at that age he knew his mother could barely sew on a button!
Puppy threw up on my bed. She's okay, though. It's not so bad... was an excuse to put on fresh sheets - which I'm looking forward to crawling into soon. :)
Thanked God for everything today (I think so, anyway) and recognized that there is so much of Him that I just do not see. I wonder if He gets frustrated with us. I wonder if He sometimes looks at us and shakes His head and thinks, "Where do my kids GET these IDEAS?!! What are they THINKING?!!"
Yep - If God could go crazy, we'd be enough to drive Him there.
In the morning we're doing paperwork for the re-financing. If you could remember, please pray that it all goes smoothly. I do not believe that God wants me to lose my home. I do believe I need His help in some pretty big ways.
Tomorrow night I might even have time to do something in my kitchen... That would be nice. I'm not working the second job because the restaurant is undergoing some renovations. Smaller paycheck for me, which is bad; But a bit of a break and a chance to catch up, which is good.
I was telling my boy today, we just exchange one set of problems for another. We just gotta keep trying to solve them, and choose, when we can, the set of problems we want to have.
I keep getting the sense that, in spite of how bad it all seems, that something's going to happen... something's going to change for the better - but I don't know what or how. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking. .... still... there's this strange feeling of positive anticipation and I don't know where it's coming from....
Monday, February 25, 2008
Worth It
I'd been thinking that my life had become petty because I wasn't doing enough to help other people and I've been thinking more about basic survival rather than anything deeper. But maybe it's not so petty... maybe God will use this time anyway - if I let Him.
Tonight at the night job I was having a conversation with a 17-year-old boy. I quite like this boy and he and I have a lot of conversations. It started out a while back when he had been very frustrated and angry over a situation where he had been demeaned and hurt and felt powerless. He'd wanted to explode in anger and retaliate. Instead, he chose to wait out the situation and then talk about it. He had chosen to talk about it to me. So we had this conversation about choices, about recognizing one's own feelings and thoughts, about empathy, about differences among people, about why people do some of the things they do, about personal responsibility, etc, etc. I had pointed out to him that he did indeed make a choice - a positive one - and told him I respected the choice that he'd made. You should have seen it - You could see the lights go on in his eyes. That was the first of many conversations we've had.
As it turns out, this boy wants to be a police officer. Right now he is facing all sorts of situations and choices which could make or break him in terms of his dreams. We're talking about those. We're talking about options and opportunities. No one has really talked to him that way before; Some people just assume that kids learn this stuff on their own. It occurred to me tonight that perhaps God is using me for this boy. If my care for him and the time spent with him can influence him to make a positive choice or avoid a bad one or make him feel like he has a real shot at life, like he's worth something... well, to me that's worth a lot of sleep deprivation and blisters on my feet. Jesus had to die; I don't have to go nearly that far.
The subjects that came up tonight were cars, money, credit cards, guys who are afraid of girls, anti-Semitism, asphyxia, sexual deviance, and... God. Not too many adults would have that kind topical diversity in a conversation. I'm grateful that this boy trusts me enough to talk to me like this. I'm grateful that I'm comfortable in discussing these things. I'm grateful that God opens these doors. I'm grateful that God has given me this responsibility, but I recognize I need Him in order to make it work the way it ought to.
And I'm grateful for my puppy who just snuck in here (as if I'm not going to see her), grabbed something out of the garbage basket and ran away - haha!
God, please bless teenagers and dogs. Please bless messed up people (including me, please). Please bless everyone who searches for answers, who needs a little peace, a little help, a little strength, a little wisdom. Please bless all of those who work hard and those who try even if they fail. God please bless my friends, and thank You for them.
And God, please save my home and my animals. Please bless my business. I'm willing to work hard, but I still need You more than anything else.
Amen
Gotta try to catch some z's now; I have court first thing in the morning.
Thank you to everyone reading and commenting and walking through this with me.
Tonight at the night job I was having a conversation with a 17-year-old boy. I quite like this boy and he and I have a lot of conversations. It started out a while back when he had been very frustrated and angry over a situation where he had been demeaned and hurt and felt powerless. He'd wanted to explode in anger and retaliate. Instead, he chose to wait out the situation and then talk about it. He had chosen to talk about it to me. So we had this conversation about choices, about recognizing one's own feelings and thoughts, about empathy, about differences among people, about why people do some of the things they do, about personal responsibility, etc, etc. I had pointed out to him that he did indeed make a choice - a positive one - and told him I respected the choice that he'd made. You should have seen it - You could see the lights go on in his eyes. That was the first of many conversations we've had.
As it turns out, this boy wants to be a police officer. Right now he is facing all sorts of situations and choices which could make or break him in terms of his dreams. We're talking about those. We're talking about options and opportunities. No one has really talked to him that way before; Some people just assume that kids learn this stuff on their own. It occurred to me tonight that perhaps God is using me for this boy. If my care for him and the time spent with him can influence him to make a positive choice or avoid a bad one or make him feel like he has a real shot at life, like he's worth something... well, to me that's worth a lot of sleep deprivation and blisters on my feet. Jesus had to die; I don't have to go nearly that far.
The subjects that came up tonight were cars, money, credit cards, guys who are afraid of girls, anti-Semitism, asphyxia, sexual deviance, and... God. Not too many adults would have that kind topical diversity in a conversation. I'm grateful that this boy trusts me enough to talk to me like this. I'm grateful that I'm comfortable in discussing these things. I'm grateful that God opens these doors. I'm grateful that God has given me this responsibility, but I recognize I need Him in order to make it work the way it ought to.
And I'm grateful for my puppy who just snuck in here (as if I'm not going to see her), grabbed something out of the garbage basket and ran away - haha!
God, please bless teenagers and dogs. Please bless messed up people (including me, please). Please bless everyone who searches for answers, who needs a little peace, a little help, a little strength, a little wisdom. Please bless all of those who work hard and those who try even if they fail. God please bless my friends, and thank You for them.
And God, please save my home and my animals. Please bless my business. I'm willing to work hard, but I still need You more than anything else.
Amen
Gotta try to catch some z's now; I have court first thing in the morning.
Thank you to everyone reading and commenting and walking through this with me.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
It's Not The Same
I didn't go.
I can't believe it. I was looking forward to going to church and I didn't go.
I couldn't fall asleep until 3am again. This has happened before in recent times.... When I got up, my throat was swollen and killing me and I had a doozy of a headache. What is this?! I can't afford to be sick. I went back to bed. My glands are still pretty swollen and the head still hurts, but not as bad as this morning and my throat isn't hurting so much. So I'm telling myself that I'm not sick - but I should eat those oranges my friend gave to me.
Yes, I know I can worship without going to church; I can read and pray without going to church; with all that the internet has to offer I can even get the benefit of a sermon without going to church; I can serve others and serve Christ without going to church. These things are not limited to church; They're part of daily living anyway.
Still... it's not the same.
There's something about going to church that's important. There are human connections that wouldn't take place without it; There's the difference in dynamic when worshipping; There's someone else's take on a sermon or scripture passage; And I think... I'm not sure, but I think there is something that happens in the spiritual realm when believers get together like that. It's something good. I also believe that not going to church eventually makes one vulnerable.
That's just my thinking, anyway.
I can't believe it. I was looking forward to going to church and I didn't go.
I couldn't fall asleep until 3am again. This has happened before in recent times.... When I got up, my throat was swollen and killing me and I had a doozy of a headache. What is this?! I can't afford to be sick. I went back to bed. My glands are still pretty swollen and the head still hurts, but not as bad as this morning and my throat isn't hurting so much. So I'm telling myself that I'm not sick - but I should eat those oranges my friend gave to me.
Yes, I know I can worship without going to church; I can read and pray without going to church; with all that the internet has to offer I can even get the benefit of a sermon without going to church; I can serve others and serve Christ without going to church. These things are not limited to church; They're part of daily living anyway.
Still... it's not the same.
There's something about going to church that's important. There are human connections that wouldn't take place without it; There's the difference in dynamic when worshipping; There's someone else's take on a sermon or scripture passage; And I think... I'm not sure, but I think there is something that happens in the spiritual realm when believers get together like that. It's something good. I also believe that not going to church eventually makes one vulnerable.
That's just my thinking, anyway.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
A Day Off
I'd been worried that something would happen to take away my first and only day off in more than a month, but the day off did come, so I'm grateful.
This morning I even slept in!
When I got up, I found that the dogs had pooped and peed everywhere - including on the couch. They had also got into the garbage and there was garbage everywhere. Of course they couldn't confine the garbage to just one room. Oh noooo... It's much more fun to drag it around from room to room and play with it all! They must have had a blast, and mommy here slept through it all.
Once I figured out that they hadn't eaten anything poisonous, I was mad at them (for about three minutes - which is a long time to be mad at these two).
It took a good hour to clean it all up.
I went and bought the paper, sat in front of the tv with coffee and a crossword puzzle. Very nice :)
I got some laundry done and got a bit of cleaning done in my room and the bathroom - nothing heavy duty, though, which is fine, since it is a day off after all.
Ate a cheese and tomato sandwich - yummy!
Purposely stayed away from my office and emails.
While I was downstairs doing laundry a tenant (the one who was mad 'cause she couldn't shower when she wanted) asked me if she could borrow my carpet cleaner. (I'd offered to clean her carpet a month ago and she'd declined because it wasn't vacuumed. The only vacuum available was the one of mine that she broke last summer)
Anyway, when she asked to borrow the carpet cleaner, I said "no". She looked utterly stunned.
She asked why.
(Do I need a reason? Why do I feel compelled to even answer?)
I told her it was because she'd already broken my vacuum and I wasn't going to then lend her a very expensive machine that I don't even have paid off yet.
She was furious. She stormed off and now is not speaking to me.
Am I missing something? Did I do something wrong here?
Perhaps she thought she was doing me a favour by cleaning the carpet in her room. But does that mean that I don't have the right to say no to lend her a machine that isn't even paid for yet when she broke and didn't replace another expensive appliance previously?
I'm having trouble believing I did something so terrible as to justify that kind of anger from her.
... trying not to think about how I'm going to pay the bills and fix that one empty room without any rental income....
I still have this evening off.
I didn't do much today. How come I'm still tired?
Well, in any event, I'm still very glad to have this day and this break!
Don't know what I'm going to do tonight - maybe nothing! hee hee!
This morning I even slept in!
When I got up, I found that the dogs had pooped and peed everywhere - including on the couch. They had also got into the garbage and there was garbage everywhere. Of course they couldn't confine the garbage to just one room. Oh noooo... It's much more fun to drag it around from room to room and play with it all! They must have had a blast, and mommy here slept through it all.
Once I figured out that they hadn't eaten anything poisonous, I was mad at them (for about three minutes - which is a long time to be mad at these two).
It took a good hour to clean it all up.
I went and bought the paper, sat in front of the tv with coffee and a crossword puzzle. Very nice :)
I got some laundry done and got a bit of cleaning done in my room and the bathroom - nothing heavy duty, though, which is fine, since it is a day off after all.
Ate a cheese and tomato sandwich - yummy!
Purposely stayed away from my office and emails.
While I was downstairs doing laundry a tenant (the one who was mad 'cause she couldn't shower when she wanted) asked me if she could borrow my carpet cleaner. (I'd offered to clean her carpet a month ago and she'd declined because it wasn't vacuumed. The only vacuum available was the one of mine that she broke last summer)
Anyway, when she asked to borrow the carpet cleaner, I said "no". She looked utterly stunned.
She asked why.
(Do I need a reason? Why do I feel compelled to even answer?)
I told her it was because she'd already broken my vacuum and I wasn't going to then lend her a very expensive machine that I don't even have paid off yet.
She was furious. She stormed off and now is not speaking to me.
Am I missing something? Did I do something wrong here?
Perhaps she thought she was doing me a favour by cleaning the carpet in her room. But does that mean that I don't have the right to say no to lend her a machine that isn't even paid for yet when she broke and didn't replace another expensive appliance previously?
I'm having trouble believing I did something so terrible as to justify that kind of anger from her.
... trying not to think about how I'm going to pay the bills and fix that one empty room without any rental income....
I still have this evening off.
I didn't do much today. How come I'm still tired?
Well, in any event, I'm still very glad to have this day and this break!
Don't know what I'm going to do tonight - maybe nothing! hee hee!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Mouse
Got out of the night job late again - and the only reason I got out was because I left. I'm tired yet my body is still in work mode. I'll do some breathing exercises and focusing exercises in a little while.
So, I'm just going to jot down what the day was like. I haven't had a minute to really think about much.
At some point I want to write about the concept of "simply accepting"; also what I mentioned before about sowing and reaping. Also thinking about this whole concept of "The Law of Attraction" and why I think it's dangerous. That's a big one, though and I don't know if I'll get to it.
I had court this morning - I didn't have to prepare because I didn't have to speak or anything, but I was still supposed to be there (for reasons that are irrelevant to this post). I left nice and early, figuring I'd leave lots of room to get stuck in traffic (which is always the way with rush hour). I even thought I might get there early enough to visit with the courthouse chaplain before court started.
Nope. Accidents, a car fire (no, not my car- Hey "P" - Do you remember the time I set myself on fire when I was driving? hahaha!), and people slowing down to look at what was going on with the traffic coming the opposite way made the drive impossible. Over two hours when it should have taken 40 minutes. Over two hours and I still wasn't even close to the courthouse. I had missed it even before I could get there.
Was ticked off at the situation and upset with myself because it was important to me that I get there and I didn't make it. I hate failure.
Went home to get changed and got a call from someone I'd been talking to about the business - He knows a gazillion people and I want him to understand what we do. I also think I can learn from him.
He wanted to stop by my house for coffee. I said yes.
Put the kettle on to prepare for my new way of making coffee.
Did the "dash-and-stash" to hide the mess somewhat. (gotta remember not to turn on the oven before I empty it - ha!)
Had a nice visit. Talked about a lot of stuff. He told me about some situations where he'd met people half way even when he was certain he was right. I thought that was good. Too often I go all the way even when others are wrong and I'm right - and then they expect it again and again - and then I end up getting mad and finally push them back and they don't understand what happened and I end up as the bad guy. I like the meeting them half-way even if they're wrong but not necessarily giving away the farm approach. I'll have to practice that one.
Worked at the day job.
Got an email from a friend who referred me to her employer re our services. Should I hope? I'm certain I could help them - will have to send them some info and then wait and see.
Called my sister - her birthday today - nice conversation.
Looked in my fridge - just to look in it 'cause it's full.
Looked at the hydro bill. I can't pay it. So frustrated and worried.
Threw the hydro bill on the table and went and looked in the fridge again. Yep. There's really food in there.
Went to the night job. Manager tried to pull the same crap again with the staying ridiculously late. I knew that was going to happen. I left anyway - (her boss and the boss above that boss told me ahead of time that we should all just leave) - but the other employees felt bad, so they stayed and waited for her. Then I felt bad. I keep reminding myself that all of these people are making choices and those choices are not my fault. Still feel bad, though.
Prayed for them all. Prayed for my friends (including you who are reading). Prayed for my boy and my animals. I love them all. I prayed for me a little, too.
By the way - what's-his-name did email me like I predicted. Just one sentence -"You'll never hear from me again". That's his way of letting me know he's erasing me. That's the result I was aiming for, but it still wasn't easy to take.
"Don't throw your pearls to swine" - yeah, that could apply here.
I feel like a mouse in a maze.
Look at how petty my life has become.
So, I'm just going to jot down what the day was like. I haven't had a minute to really think about much.
At some point I want to write about the concept of "simply accepting"; also what I mentioned before about sowing and reaping. Also thinking about this whole concept of "The Law of Attraction" and why I think it's dangerous. That's a big one, though and I don't know if I'll get to it.
I had court this morning - I didn't have to prepare because I didn't have to speak or anything, but I was still supposed to be there (for reasons that are irrelevant to this post). I left nice and early, figuring I'd leave lots of room to get stuck in traffic (which is always the way with rush hour). I even thought I might get there early enough to visit with the courthouse chaplain before court started.
Nope. Accidents, a car fire (no, not my car- Hey "P" - Do you remember the time I set myself on fire when I was driving? hahaha!), and people slowing down to look at what was going on with the traffic coming the opposite way made the drive impossible. Over two hours when it should have taken 40 minutes. Over two hours and I still wasn't even close to the courthouse. I had missed it even before I could get there.
Was ticked off at the situation and upset with myself because it was important to me that I get there and I didn't make it. I hate failure.
Went home to get changed and got a call from someone I'd been talking to about the business - He knows a gazillion people and I want him to understand what we do. I also think I can learn from him.
He wanted to stop by my house for coffee. I said yes.
Put the kettle on to prepare for my new way of making coffee.
Did the "dash-and-stash" to hide the mess somewhat. (gotta remember not to turn on the oven before I empty it - ha!)
Had a nice visit. Talked about a lot of stuff. He told me about some situations where he'd met people half way even when he was certain he was right. I thought that was good. Too often I go all the way even when others are wrong and I'm right - and then they expect it again and again - and then I end up getting mad and finally push them back and they don't understand what happened and I end up as the bad guy. I like the meeting them half-way even if they're wrong but not necessarily giving away the farm approach. I'll have to practice that one.
Worked at the day job.
Got an email from a friend who referred me to her employer re our services. Should I hope? I'm certain I could help them - will have to send them some info and then wait and see.
Called my sister - her birthday today - nice conversation.
Looked in my fridge - just to look in it 'cause it's full.
Looked at the hydro bill. I can't pay it. So frustrated and worried.
Threw the hydro bill on the table and went and looked in the fridge again. Yep. There's really food in there.
Went to the night job. Manager tried to pull the same crap again with the staying ridiculously late. I knew that was going to happen. I left anyway - (her boss and the boss above that boss told me ahead of time that we should all just leave) - but the other employees felt bad, so they stayed and waited for her. Then I felt bad. I keep reminding myself that all of these people are making choices and those choices are not my fault. Still feel bad, though.
Prayed for them all. Prayed for my friends (including you who are reading). Prayed for my boy and my animals. I love them all. I prayed for me a little, too.
By the way - what's-his-name did email me like I predicted. Just one sentence -"You'll never hear from me again". That's his way of letting me know he's erasing me. That's the result I was aiming for, but it still wasn't easy to take.
"Don't throw your pearls to swine" - yeah, that could apply here.
I feel like a mouse in a maze.
Look at how petty my life has become.
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