Nervous

If anyone gets to this post this morning, prayers would be very helpful.

I've got to testify today and the lawyer on the other side has already said he will be cross-examining me vigorously. He's already playing dirty pool. He told another lawyer that the reason I'm doing this case is because I'm dating the lawyer. Well that's simply not true! I'm not dating the lawyer and who the lawyer is has nothing to do with why I took this case.

So, he's going to make it personal. He's going to attack me personally in public, on the record.

The only thing I have right now is a faith that God will take care of things regardless of what happens today. I pray for His will. I pray that this man doesn't hurt me badly, that this boy who is in jail gets a fair hearing, that I reflect Christ in my answers and demeanor.

God help me today.

Enough

I quit the night job. I still have to work both jobs for the next two weeks.

I've learned that my limit for severe sleep deprivation, overwork and loneliness is seven months.

Now I'm worse off than when I started and I'm not well on top of it.

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Dread

Picked up a new case last night.  This is a huge opportunity and may well be the breakthrough I need.

But it requires time and a lot of my energy.

I'm happy to give that.  I don't know how much I have to give, though because this night job is sucking the life out of me.  Not to mention the lack of time.

I want to cry.

Every single day, I dread going in to the night job.  I'm tired from the day job and know I still have to go put in another full workday at a place I hate doing a job I despise, every day feeling the negative effects on my physical and mental health.

I can't go to church.  I can't see my family.  I have trouble making plans to do anything with anybody, so people just stop bothering to try - and I completely understand (I've stopped trying, too, for the most part).  My house is a mess, and I still can't pay the bills.

What's the point?

I want so much to simply not show up tonight.  To heck with them.

The problem is that the "them" are real human beings who would have a really tough time if I didn't show up.  I can't do it to them.

But I'm getting to my breaking point.

I just cannot keep on like this.

God, please lift me out of this mess.  I can't do any more.  My body cannot take anymore.

I need out of that night job and I need clients who can and do pay for the services provided them.

Prayers would be appreciated.

Wave Jumping....

.... and I need a babysitter


Had an errand to run near Simcoe Ont. today.  The only way I know to get there is to drive near the water (Lake Erie).

I love the water.

I love the beach.

Even looking at it makes me feel happy.

Okay, so I have this errand to run and it's very very hot, but at least I get to look at the lake.

Well.

I saw the lake and HAD to go down there.

When I got there I HAD to park the car and walk to the water.

Well...

I got so excited I HAD to go into the water.

It was warm and the waves were high.

In the trunk of my car I carry beach supplies for just such an occasion.  Now I know you're thinking it's really that I never clean my car and the supplies are there from the last trip to the beach... :)  I ran back to the car and got my little floaty thing.  I think it's called a swimming board or a flutter board, but I call it a floaty thing.

I digress.

Back into the water.  Oh yeah!

Gotta jump over each wave.

Gotta see how far out you can go and still touch bottom.

Gotta relish every sight, sound, smell and sensation.

Gotta run toward the next wave.

Woohoo!  I'm a fish!

no, wait... I'm a turtle!

no... I'm a frog!

no.... I'm not even doggie paddling here.

You see, I love the water but I can't swim.

Okay, so I'm no fish but I'm in the water at the beach!  Yaaaaaay!

I was grinning and laughing like a little kid.  

Jumping over and into waves, playing in the water.

A grown woman all by herself.

But who cares!  I'm at the BEACH, man!  Yes!

Paddle out to the next wave, and the next.

Oooh... here comes a big one ... haha!

I can't touch bottom any more, but it's okay 'cause I have my floaty thing.

Suddenly I notice it's quiet except for the waves.

I look around.

I'm waaay out there.  The people are far away.  I've gone past the boardwalk and the lighthouse.  There's a commercial fishing boat within paddling distance.

oops.

There would be big fish out here.

Would they bite me?

Naw.

Heyyyy.... I'm swimmin' with the big fish.

Okay, better go back.

Hey... wonder how long it would take to get to shore if I didn't paddle or kick?  Where would the waves take me?

I got back to shore only to turn around and do it again (only this time I didn't go so far out)

and again

and my fingers and toes went all wrinkly like prunes

and there is sand everywhere

and I got a bit of a burn (after I recently told someone I don't burn -ha!)

and I scraped my leg on the bottom of the lake  (decided to try to jump UNDER the waves for a while to see what would happen)

I bought a hotdog, which was stupidly expensive - but I did buy it.

And it was all wonderful.



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Outside

Didn't get to go out and play today.

But I'm going to try tomorrow.

I like outside.

In honour of going outside, here's a little video from Mr. Pregnant about going outside:

Inside

Having trouble staying inside the office.

I want to go out and play.

4am

4am

so tired

gotta get up soon

endless work-weeks

doing everything i can think of

why does it work for other people but not me?