The Point In Talking

I've been sinking back into my shell.

More and more lately I've been keeping my feelings locked away tightly. I've become quiet again like I use to be.

I've been thinking, "What's the point in talking? There is no benefit to anyone therefore no point."

Oh, I'm "nice" enough and all, but not letting pieces of me out because I figure no one cares all that much anyway and it really doesn't make any difference.

I've also been wondering what the point is in trying. I've worked so hard and here I am in the same financial position as I started in. Some people do awful things and yet get rewarded while some of us try our best and get knocked down again and again.

Last night I was asking God why my best still wasn't good enough for Him. Yes, no one is good enough, but Christ came to fix that. So I was feeling like the rejected daughter again. I was never good enough for my own parents on earth so how could I think I could be good enough for God.

Feeling myself sinking into depression.... the urge to give up is powerful.... yet somewhere in here I know that I must make a choice, that I can choose to fight back. I don't know how, so I flail like a naked baby bird falling from its nest.

I noticed something I had in my dining room. It's the bible passage that says that if we ask for anything in Christ's name, the Father will do it.

I thought, "really? Is that true?"

I asked myself, "What do I believe?"

So I said a prayer. It was a weak prayer. Weak because I don't have much to put into anything. Weak because I keep getting knocked down anyway and I wonder what's the point in getting up.

So I said the prayer and nothing happened. I tried different ways to cope today. I thought about trying to reach out to someone and talk. But what's the point in talking?

This job opportunity I spoke of is a process that would take a year or more and I don't have that kind of time.

My son lost his job (not his fault, long story) and got into another car accident (this kid is a lousy driver, I think).

So, my weak little prayer went up in the midst of all the crap. Little me said something and who am I? There are earthquakes and floods and starvation and corruption going on and I'm sending up my weak little prayer in Christ's name.

That was this afternoon.

At five o'clock my friend stopped by. I haven't seen him in ages. I was glad for that. Even people like me get lonely, but it's not like I've had a lot of time to do anything about it and it's not like I saw any point in trying anyway.

My friend told me about another job opportunity. I wouldn't have to give up my calling and I would make FOUR TIMES the money I'm making at the restaurant.

That would solve a lot of problems. I also wouldn't have to work hours quite as crazy as what I'm doing now. That would mean opportunity to get to church at least sometimes and opportunity to see other human beings socially at least sometimes.

I'm going to apply tomorrow morning.

It occurred to me that I had prayed and both a friend and an opportunity literally knocked on my door.

So what's the point in talking? To tell what God has done. To say once again that Christ's name is the right one.