Was stressed today.
The events of last night and the things he said kept going through my mind. I was jumpy. I was upset, angry, nervous.
He said he thought it was unfair that I'd asked the police to tell him to go away. I told him it's because he wasn't listening to me tell him.
He argued that by saying I wasn't telling him the truth about my feelings, that I wasn't being clear enough.
Last night I didn't argue because he was tense and I know he could have killed me very quickly or hurt me very badly had he decided to do so. I wasn't going to get into a pissing contest with a control freak who doesn't want to understand anyway.
So I kept thinking about that and I'm angry that he could have the gall to say that like he believes it. My "no" started out as a polite, gentle one, then got more firm, then became absolute and strong before I ever called the police.
Okay, okay... maybe this guy with two degrees who is senior management in government is too stupid to figure out that "leave me alone", "stop calling me", "stop driving by here", "you are scaring me", "I don't want to talk to you", and "stay the f**k away from me you f**king freak!" means that maybe I don't really want to talk to him.
But when the police come to his door and tell him he'll be charged if he keeps it up.... well, shouldn't that be a clue right there?
Or how about when, after he continued and he was arrested, and immediately upon getting released with bail conditions, he shows up at my best friend's house - and my friend tells him to stop. That's a clue, right?
Or when his boss, his friend, his sister and a therapist all told him to stay away from me (he repeatedly called anyway) - isn't that "no"?
But it's all my fault. I wasn't clear enough. None of those things are clear enough.
Oh, and the only reason he came pounding on my door one of the times I called 911 was because he'd heard I was seeing someone else and he was just coming to tell me that he would leave me alone.
I suppose he was so eager to reassure me that it's the reason he had to pound the crap outta my door and try the handle in the middle of the night.
And it really was all innocent - so that's why he ran when the police sirens got close - 'cause he was doing nothing wrong.
So my "no" wasn't good enough on it's own? It's only when some other male owns me that "no" means anything? Oopps... yeah - I forgot. I'm not a human being.
Oh, I'm spittin' mad.
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2 comments:
I would be very jumpy and mad too. It's not fair.
Are you reporting this to the police? Just wondering.
If I thought there was even a chance of getting a half decent result by reporting it, I would. Unfortunately, the police tend to do one of two things: a) make it worse by escalating him or b) do nothing
They would ask me why I talked to him and tell me it's my fault. They wouldn't understand the need for me to have current and relevant information in order to protect myself and my need to not escalate him at that moment. As fatalistic as I can sound sometimes, the truth is that I really want to live and I do not want to be hurt. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens, whether some policeman with little or no expertise with the issues thinks it makes sense or not. (my sharp attitude here is not directed at you at all - I'm consistently ticked with the system for the lack of understanding and how useless or even damaging it all is most of the time - so that's where this is coming from)
I have, however, documented it for future reference. If the time comes when a formal report will be useful, then I will have my ducks lined up. With these things if you don't do it yourself things can go very very badly. Fortunately for me I know how to deal with it, but most women end up going through our crappy system with no clue - expecting some kind of help and being sorely disappointed, feeling disillusioned and re-victimized. That gets me hot under the collar. But then again, I'm passionate about that stuff anyway.
Having said all that, it's one thing to deal with it all from a professional position and quite another to go through it oneself. As much as I know, I still have the feelings that anyone else would have in this situation.
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