Free Food, Politics and Rambling

Two nights in a row I've received free meals from the restaurant. I didn't know that becoming manager came with the perk of a 100% discount off of my meal. Wow! I've decided to stay away from the pop and fries, but there's lots of stuff there that is actually healthy (or at least not heart attack and diabetes on a plate). This means I am guaranteed at least one good meal a day as long as I work there.

Quite frustrated tonight... Since I started the night job I've noticed that their security is terrible. They don't even follow their own rules re security. I remarked about this on several occasions.

Then I put it in writing and gave it to the boss. I wrote what I noticed, what the policy is, the fact that the policy is good, and that it's not being followed. I expressed my concern and was specific. Then I asked if perhaps there was some great reason why these things weren't happening as they should and I just didn't know about the great reason.

The boss came to me, told me I was right, said that these things should not be happening and that she would deal with them.

They continue to happen.

I refuse to break the rules about security and the staff get really upset with me because sometimes it's inconvenient. I explained to them why I'm following the rules. A lot of them understand it. One manager remarked that she'd actually never really thought about it before. (Some of these infractions are VERY serious). Some of the staff do the same thing that drives me crazy at the day job, which is that they take the attitude of "It will never happen here".

Tonight I was trying to enforce a very important security rule and the staff decided they didn't have to listen to me because the Wayward Manager was present and she always lets them ignore the rule. I looked to the Wayward Manager for support and received none - in front of everyone.

I actually don't give a crap what they think of me; I do care that they follow those protocols so that serious harm does not befall them.

*sigh*

I have court tomorrow again. Awful case (you can read about it tomorrow on the work blog). Someone had the gall to tell me that if a prostitute gets raped that it's pretty much her own fault and that she deserves it. I was so angry that I couldn't even speak. Imagine that - me not talking! It's not that I had nothing to say; I had plenty to say. I just knew there was no point. I will however address the issue - and publicly. Someone else made a comment on the other blog (I haven't published that comment yet) that is also victim blaming garbage. It's just a matter of when I have time (and the energy to put together a coherent train of thought) to address it.

Been following the news re the FLDS compound in Texas. Prayers for those children and those who have been brainwashed (I use the term "brainwashed" very loosely).

Been finding that too much coffee bothers my stomach. I don't understand this. I use to be able to drink gallons of it, but cannot anymore. Three cups a day and I switch to decaffeinated tea. Probably better for me anyway.

Haven't had a chance to be outside. I miss outside.

Love my dogs. Every minute with them is a gift. :)

Had salad (free!) two days in a row. Have started taking multivitamins. Do they really do any good?

Better go to bed. 5:30 am comes awfully fast.

Home Early

The Wayward Manager let me go home early tonight, so I can actually blog while I have my work uniform in the washer.

I've had no time.

People think that I make good use of my time because I'm always multi-tasking, don't idle, and work so many hours. I think that time is making use of me and not the other way around.

Injured my knee at work. It should be okay, but there's all sorts of paperwork to fill out and required doctor's visits.... like I have time for that.

All the tenants are gone from my house, but I'm still left with the damage. Now I don't have the rental income any more, but at least it's quiet here for a change.

The day job is going okay, except that I keep falling asleep at my desk - very bad.

I don't know how much longer my body will take this.

I feel fortunate to have really good friends, friends who don't get all upset with me because I don't have time for anything.

Thoughts of Carey (aka what's-his-name) are haunting me.

I'm still not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, which is writing. I'm doing it a little bit.

I'm bad for putting things off. "I'll have time tomorrow", I think. But tomorrow came and went and now I don't have time.

While trying to get my two hours sleep I had awful chest pains. It was bad enough that it scared me and I thought I'd better call for help, call 911. But I couldn't get up.

So I lay there thinking, "Is this how it ends? My boy will find me in the morning. What will happen to him? Someone will have to sort through all of my belongings. Who will take care of the dogs? Wonder what my pastors will say about me at my funeral. I didn't even get where I wanted to go...."

Obviously, everything was fine. I woke up a few hours later.

I must write this book, this one I was supposed to write two years ago and put off. But now how will I do it? With what time? Where am I going to get the money to live?

I complained to the boss again about getting out of work so late.

Psycho-guy is ticked off at me because I wouldn't let him into the back of the store when he wasn't scheduled. He's also mad because I refused to take care of that cat any longer. tick, tick, tick....

Well... I'm rambling. In spite of the fact I'm home early, I'm still very tired.

Nothing Like It

My heart was beating too quickly; It was uncomfortable. The adrenaline surges kept coming.

Stress.

A physical response to stress.

I thought, "What am I thinking that is causing this?"

I thought, "Part of my brain is telling me to hurry up and get things done. Part of my brain is thinking that I won't be able to meet the mortgage payment in two weeks. Part of my brain is thinking a lot of different things - all legitimate but still all worrisome."

I thought, "What can I do about these things right now?"

The answer - nothing.

I thought, "Then I have to do something about this physical response. Simply not worrying is not a realistic solution. If I do something productive I can release some of this negative energy and get my brain focussed on something else."

Oh, but my body is so tired and sore. I have to be careful to use what little energy I have for work.

I glanced down and saw the puppy curled up at my feet.

Why am I not paying attention to my surroundings?

I thought, "I'm going to give this puppy my attention. She needs it and so do I."

I got right down beside her and pet her. I snuggled with her. I looked at her, noticing every detail about her, every little marking, muscle, whisker and eyelash. I thanked God for His creation. I thanked God for this little soul. I thanked God for that moment with her.

There's nothing in the world like snuggling with a puppy.

There's nothing in the world like snuggling with this particular puppy.

There's nothing in the world like taking a big breath of fresh air (even if it makes me sneeze after).

There's nothing in the world like that purple flower that's decided to take root in the middle of my vegetable garden and it's contrast of colour against the brown deadness of winter... it's symbolization of hope for sunnier times ahead.

There's nothing in the world like the chatter of your child - no matter what age.

There's nothing in the world like fresh clean sheets.

There's nothing in the world like a hot shower when your body is tired and grimey.

There's nothing in the world like a sunny day.

There's nothing in the world like a rainy day - especially when you are inside and appreciative of being warm and dry and home.

The list goes on and on....

Thank you, God for all of these things. Thank You for creating our brains in such a way that we have a choice to live in the moment or not, that we have memory so we can remember other good moments, other good things that You have given.

So, my tired and achy body is still giving me a stress response, but it's not as extreme. Still, I'm working through it. Still I recognize and experience much for which I am grateful.

Boring is fine by me

Give enough rope....

People are starting to see that all is not as it seems with the psychopath. I haven't been saying much, just watching and being cautious. He's stealing and people are catching on. He's scamming - food, rides, attention, money "loans" - and people are starting to catch on. They are starting to talk to each other. The only thing I say to them is to be careful. Of course, they are not worried; They all know how to deal with people. Yeah - just like they all knew how not to get scammed.

tick, tick, tick....

I talked to the boss about security. There are lots of ways in which the staff are causing us to be a soft target for criminals. Security protocols aren't being followed. The staff know why the procedures are there, but they, like so many, believe nothing bad will ever happen to them. I try to explain, but I'm just paranoid and jaded.

The Wayward Manager is trying out some new games. They are not working so well for her, but she doesn't seem to have noticed that yet. It's too bad because she has a lot of potential; She has lots going for her and it gets buried in ego.

The other manager is trying to protect me. I've never asked for this protection, the alliance, but I sure do appreciate it.

So I've lost my rental income and the second job wasn't enough even with the rental income...

This is frustrating.

Still, I feel great joy when I am with my dogs.

Another unexpected positive - pretty soon I will get my raise that goes with the promotion. I was told that the pay rate was $1.25 above minimum wage. I found out last night that they will be giving me $2.25 above minimum wage. That's a big difference. That's still not nearly enough for me to pay the bills, but it's a whole dollar an hour more than what I expected.

Last night the boss told me, "You are my example. You are going to lead the other managers by the way you do things."

Nice compliment - Kinda scary, though. Yes I want to do a top notch job anyway; When other people put that kind of faith in me it ups the ante in my mind.

Hopeful things going on with the day job stuff. But I've been here before. I'm not going to get too excited about anything until I see actual results.

Depending on who is working Saturday night (therefore what time we close), I might just get to go to church this Sunday. We will see about that, too. But I don't have to work on Sunday for a change.

Really there's nothing exciting going on here. I think that's a good thing, though. Boring frees one up to be able to think about important stuff - like dogs and spring flowers.

Sleep!

I got sleep on Friday night AND Saturday night! I worked day-shift on the second job, so I still had to get up at 5:30 am but at least I got to sleep two whole nights.

Wow!

After the first sleep, I felt better but still tired. After the second sleep, surprisingly, I REALLY did not want to go to work. I wanted to quit!

Strange reaction, don't you think?

I'm guessing that some part of my brain is saying "Why do this? Now you remember what it feels like to get a night's sleep. Why torture yourself again?"

Or maybe it's because having sleep contributes to a person's ability to be rational. And what rational person wants to do what I've been doing? Plus, being so sleep-deprived for so long... well, you sort of walk around like a zombie, just doing whatever is expected. Work here, do this task, then on to the next...

No, I didn't quit my job.

The male tenant was supposed to pick up his stuff yesterday. Two hours after he was supposed to show up, he called to say it would be another hour. Then it was going to be another two hours. I told him I was going to bed before that. I suggested that he come, load up the truck, and then if where he was keeping his things wasn't yet available, at least he would have it all loaded up and out of here. I told him to talk to his friend about it and call me back. I expected to hear back from him fairly shortly after that.

Nope.

I had just drifted off to sleep when the phone started ringing and ringing. No way I was getting up to have an argument with someone who obviously doesn't pay attention to anything I say anyway. I'd have become stressed and not got the sleep - and I think I deserve a decent night's sleep at this point.

Oh, by the way... this cold, mean, unreasonable person that I supposedly am, was awarded "Employee of the Month".

Yeah, I know, it's a dumb little thing. But still, I don't think they would have given me that if I was so horrible.

In spite of two nights sleep, I'm still awfully tired.

Updates

Updates...

The male tenant is gone but his cat and his stuff are still here. He showed up here to find the locks had been changed and he rang the doorbell for an hour and kept banging on my kitchen window. He ended up punching the house a few times before he left. He also sent my son some crass sexually oriented messages about me. My son kept telling me to let the guy in and just talk to him in order to stop the escalation.

Well, given that I'd already repeatedly tried the talking to him route, that I wasn't going to give the guy what he wanted whether I opened the door or not, and given the kinds of messages he was texting to my son about me, the guy's attitude of doing whatever he wants regardless of anything I say, the incessant bell ringing and the angry punching the house, I believed that opening the door would have done nothing to de-escalate the situation and would simply reward his bad behaviour thereby reinforcing that behaviour. The guy knows how to phone me, write a letter, call the police if he truly feels he's right. Instead he chose an angry forceful route, communicating with physicality rather than words or reason. No. I knew better than to open the door.

I won't get into the full explanation about all that; You get the general idea.

The neighbour was sneaking around on the far side of my driveway two days ago. I went out to see if there was something wrong. It turns out he saw my son's car and thought it was the male tenant and was coming to check on me and was ready for a physical confrontation with this guy.

I thought that was exceptionally good of him to do that, to even think to do that. How many people would willingly put themselves in harm's way for a neighbour?

There are four people who think I did the right thing by changing the locks - my two pastors, my neighbour, and me. It seems that everyone else thinks I'm cold-hearted, cruel, mean, unfair, unreasonable.

I do not care. (Well, okay, yes it bugs me, but it's not going to change what I've decided to do here.)

People at work are asking about it. Very loudly, so as many people as possible could overhear (but without being actually disruptive or anything), I said that no matter what I did or didn't do somebody would think it's wrong; People criticize me for letting people get away with too much, but then when I say 'enough', 'no', they criticize me and say I'm mean or cold or unreasonable.

It's so easy to judge, isn't it.... so easy to criticize.

My son told me that I have changed. He said that there was a time when nothing upset me, when I never got upset or excited about anything. People use to use the word, "unflappable" to describe me. For the past couple of years I've been very different from that. I did not like hearing this from my boy, but he's right. I am exploring the reasons why, how, and making some conscious choices about where I'm going mentally and emotionally and how I'm going to get there.

One of the things Pastor R said to me was, "If it was some other lady saying this stuff [about the tenant situation] you'd be all over it!"

He was absolutely right.

I wrote to a friend of mine who has been in law enforcement for many years and who is also a volunteer firefighter. I asked him if he protects and advocates for himself as much or as strongly as he does for other people. His answer was that he does not and neither do so many other protectors. He also said that the worst ones, the ones who protect themselves the least, are the Christians.

Wow. Lots of implications there.

Then he said something else. He said that Christ said to love others as you love yourself. Jesus did NOT say love others instead of yourself.

Pastor R also pointed out that when Jesus was on the cross, the thief on one side of Him wanted help and received it. That thief went to paradise.

The other thief didn't want any help. So what did Jesus do? He didn't give it! He didn't say, 'oh please listen to me'. He let the guy make the choice. He let that guy go to hell.

I think that's powerful stuff. Lots of implications there, too, aren't there.

Back to work - I've been looking forward to this management position and hoping that the scheduling and less physically demanding work would allow me to go to church on Sundays (without having meltdowns in the pastor's office). They want me to work days every Sunday. I told them again that I really want to be able to go to church. The boss agreed (again), so we'll see what happens.

The psychopath continues to be passive-aggressive (and sometimes just aggressive) at work. He has hit me with brooms, handled scrub brushes and a squeegee. Of course it's all accidental, he says.

An accident is when you bump into someone; It's not accidental when you aim, then hit someone several times in rapid succession.

I've warned the managers and the senior boss about the guy. I've said I do not feel safe with him. I've said that they have to watch him and have to watch out for vulnerable staff. The guy is a ticking bomb and I've told them this. Whether they listen is another matter.

More is going to happen with all of this. I'm just glad that it is now much less likely to be happening in my own home.

tick, tick, tick, tick......

Enough

don't even know what to say...

Too much has happened and I'm just so tired... and sick of all this.

Called Pastor R yesterday and he was a big help.

Thinking about lots of things - situations, people, right and wrong, trying to hear God's voice but can't always, looking at what's wrong with me, what I need to change about me.

How long can one tread water in the waves?

Tired of a lot of things.

It's enough already.

I've had enough.