Double Life?

So I met with that guy. It didn't take long for the sexual comments to come out. I knew that (remember he likes the psychological power - and when a guy can't get that over a woman another way, he resorts to the sexual or at least gender-role crap). The only thing I would write here is that he said something about how it would be good if I went to a meeting wearing thigh-high leather boots and carried a whip. Frankly I don't care to recall the other remarks.

Through that meeting, I met a man who founded and runs a big real estate company (who is nothing like the first guy). I talked to lots of people and handed out a lot of business cards and smiled a lot.

I went to the next place and met a whole lot of strangers and handed out my card at every opportunity. When people hear about what I do, they tell me all their horror stories. I don't mind that.... but then the same ones turn around and tell me that they have no need for services such as mine because their situation is over and life is better now. (They forget or deny how quickly things can go awry).

I met a man who was president of a highly successful financial company. That was refreshing. I find that I can really let my hair down when I'm in the company of the big kahunas. It's the little guys and the middle or middle-to-senior managers who are always trying to "get one up" or find a weakness to exploit. The big guys don't need to play games, so I don't need to defend against the game. Anyway, the guy said he was going to keep my card because he thinks that my services might come in handy someday and there's always a need somewhere for what I do. (Thank you, God! Somebody "got it" today!)

That tenant still is not gone but there's a big pile of garbage on my back porch. The back porch that I just finished cleaning out yesterday. Nice.

I don't know yet what I learned today. I haven't had time to process the day yet. Although at one point, while I was all dressed up and talking to the big kahuna guy (which is within my familiar and comfort zone), it struck me that I kind of live a double life. Talking to big kahunas or doing work requiring a lot of expertise by day, and making burgers and scrubbing floors by night.

Tonight I'm not at the restaurant. Tonight I have to compose a behavioural interview for someone. Coming up with the proper questions and wording is easy; Explaining it all in writing to the guy will be the bulk of the work.

It's only 7PM and I'm already really tired. Maybe I'll feel better if I eat something. The same awesome woman who made that stew for me made another dish for me. She called it "the barley thing", so that's what I call it in my head. I think I'll go have some of that The Barley Thing and think about this behavioural interview structure that I'm putting together.

Hey... Thanks for reading this and praying along with me. I appreciate it. :)

Messing With My Head

I met a fellow during a business encounter. We will be going for coffee, but he wanted me to watch this "movie" first so that we could discuss it. It's messing with my head.

Here's the link:

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/index.html

Comments?

Holding My Tongue

So the manager at the second job talked to her boss. Her boss now has to talk to another boss. Apparently they are interested in promoting me but they don't know if they're allowed to because I don't work a full 44 hours a week there and I can't work days during the week. It's not looking good, but we'll see.

Still, I'm grateful. Some people can't find any job at all.

There's a woman at work whose gifting seems to be that of vociferously complaining and criticizing. No one can do things right and she hates her job. Depending on her mood, she might ride you a little or a lot. It's a lot for me to hold my tongue. One of these days I'm going to tell her to knock it off, I just know it.

There's such a huge difference between the attitudes of people. Their basic needs and motivations are the same across the board, but how they go about things and how they think about things is so different. The ones who figure that everyone else owes them are the ones who will never be satisfied.

I've got tons to do re the day job tomorrow (today, really). Gotta get some sleep. Wonder if I can sleep in a little... maybe till 7 or 8. That would be nice. I'm finding I'm less effective since I'm so tired. Everything seems to take a little longer; Everything seems a little harder.

The blisters on the feet are doing well; And no new ones. That's good.

I know I had more to say, but can't think of any of it right now.

Not Much to Say

Tired

While brushing my teeth today I thought I'd sit on the bathroom floor. Dumb. I fell asleep with my toothbrush in my hand.

Had no time to pack a lunch; Bought a cheeseburger. Still, food costs weren't so bad because I had the stew for my daytime lunch. $2.22 - Not bad considering it is 2008.

Miss my dogs. By what my tenants tell me, I think the dogs are depressed.

Wonder if my body will stop hurting. Maybe it won't; Maybe I'll just shut up about it.

Thinking about my son today. I love him so much. I'm incredibly grateful for him. He truly is a gift from God.

Opportunities

I worked the day job for a few hours today and discovered that the business opportunity that had seemingly disappeared this week (remember the canceled meeting) is not dead. It might work out very well for me and others. I'm praying that if it's within God's will for that to happen for me, that it happens and that I do a top notch job for these people. We'll see...

After I finished what I had to do for the day job, I called the restaurant because I knew they were short-handed. I asked if they wanted me to come in early. They did.

Tonight, a manager approached me and told me that I wasn't front line material. She thinks I'm management material. I told her that if they had a management position and were interested in hiring me for that, I would take it and do what I had to do in order to make that work for them. She is going to talk to her boss on Monday.

How long have I been at this place? Two weeks? Three? (Gosh, I can't remember!) Anyway, it's pretty fortunate to be potentially promoted so quickly. Throughout my working life I've been very lucky that way; I've almost always been promoted and promoted fairly quickly.

I'm grateful.

The new shoes are better for my feet. My feet, back, legs and hands are still hurting a lot, but the blisters on the soles of my feet are healing nicely.

I used to have nice nails. Not any more. The night job ruined them. I thought I didn't care that much about that stuff until I lost it. Oh, well.

I'm having some sort of reaction to the powder in the gloves I have to wear for handling the food. My skin is itching and cracking. I slather on hand cream and vaseline at night and throughout the day (when I can), but they're still really dried out. I'm hoping my skin will adjust. If I get a manager position I won't have to wear those gloves as often or for long stretches of time like I do now.

I wrote some ad copy for the business. I can't write ad copy, but I did it. Who knows how it will work out.

I sent out over 500 sales letters and have yet to receive a single response. I guess I'll have to come up with a different sales letter.

Food costs were low again today.

Stew - $0.00 (Thank you!)
oatmeal (homemade) - I haven't figured it out, but it's pennies anyway.
two pieces of bread - $0.22

Came home from work tonight and shovelled the driveway and walkways and salted everything.

My house is a disaster, but not as bad as I thought it would get.

Wrote a four page letter to the tenants telling them to shape up; They seem to have listened, at least for now.

I'm exhausted, but still riled up from work and thinking about the gazillion things I have to do before I have to work tomorrow. The ol' body is very sore.

I want very much to go to church tomorrow. My brain is saying "hurry up and go to sleep". Kinda hard to sleep when one is trying to "hurry up" to do it. ha!

My body is screaming at me, the dogs got into the garbage, and I'm still carrying some emotional weight of some other personal things that have happened recently.

Still... it's been a good day. There have been some positives and some things to strive for.

Being "Weird"

Apparently I'm the only one at the night job who brings lunch from home rather than buying it. Someone asked me if I disliked the restaurant's food. Some of my co-workers look at me funny because I've brought my lunch. It's like I'm from another planet or something. I could probably get them to stop doing that by explaining to them the benefits of bringing one's own lunch; I might even be able to convince them that it's a better idea than buying it. But that would mean reduced sales for the restaurant, so I just keep my mouth shut and pretend I don't notice the funny looks.

I iron my work uniform and clean my shoes. I guess that's really weird, too. One of the managers made a positive comment about it to someone else. (I overheard it) But my co-workers heard this too, so I've also overheard some snarky remarks about it.

For the first few hours of my shift last night I was working my butt off while a number of the teenagers there were just standing around watching.

It got better toward the end. I was still working hard, but the older women had come on shift to replace the kids and these women all work very hard. When everyone is doing the best they can, then working really hard feels like being part of a team rather than a sacrifice.

I was scheduled to work only until midnight. Midnight came and went and the manager still hadn't said anything to me about going home. At 12:25 I asked if I could go. She said I could and then loudly announced to everyone "She wants to go home!". It was as if I was abandoning them or something. I asked her if she was short-handed and told her if she needed me to stay that I would. She said no, it was fine, I could go.

They asked me if I could work a double shift for today. I have an appointment with my accountant today, so I cannot do a double at the restaurant. I told them that.

When I was leaving last night, one of my co-workers said "Where are YOU going?!" (She already knew, though.)

I told her, "Home. I was only scheduled until 12"

She said, "Why? It's not like you have to work your day job tomorrow."

me: "Actually, I do." (I'd also told her that earlier)

So I'm thinking... If I have to put in 16-20 hours of work in a day, it's okay, but if I only have to put in 8-10 hours, then it's some sort of a break?

(I actually only have to work the day job for a few hours today, not a whole 8 or 10 - but the people at the night job don't know that.)

I think they didn't want to be there either, so wanted everyone to have to stay.

Oh - food costs yesterday - $0.00! I had stew!

But I had to pay the guys for the bathroom - $3,000.00 - on credit, which means I'll be paying a lot more because of interest. That sucks.

Well, I'd better get off the computer. I have things to do at home, an appointment to get to, and have to wash and iron my uniform for tonight's shift. I'm not going to work dirty and wrinkly because other people dislike a pressed and clean uniform. I know that I'm going to pay a price - It seems so petty to me.

Yummy!

Someone did something soooo cool for me.

She emailed me to tell me she could make me a pot of stew, package it up and either deliver it to me or have me pick it up. She also lent me an insulated lunch bag and a thermos. Not too many people these days do that kind of thing. Not many would even think of it.

Not only did the stew taste really good, it felt good. Have you ever had food that, when you take a bite, your body says "ahhh... thank you"? That's what it was like to eat this stew.

I had a Tim Horton's coffee, too - for free. My sister gave me one of those gift cards for helping her with the kids. It wasn't necessary, but very nice of her. She did that back in December and I've been careful with it so I still have 4 more coffees left on it.

So my food costs were low yesterday - $0.76 for the yogurt; the stew and the coffee were free.

I didn't have to work at the night job last night, so was able to get some housework done. That was good. I have to work the whole weekend, though. I'm trying not to think about it because I'm tired and thinking about what's ahead will only make me feel more tired.

***

I was thinking about this sense of entitlement thing that so many people seem to have so much of. I was thinking that if I had that same sense of entitlement I might not have enjoyed that stew so much; I might not have recognized what a big deal it is for someone to do that for me; It might not have warmed my heart as much as it did.

I know I'm "entitled" to have basic things such as food, but that does not mean that other people are responsible to give that to me. It does mean that others don't have the right to take it away from me, but that's different.

Having a sense of entitlement is good because you go after what you need and do it without guilt. But placing expectations on other people to fulfill those needs is a separate issue and results in negative things like arguments, disappointment and a lack of appreciation for and enjoyment of the gifts that are given.

Sense of Entitlement

The level of some people's sense of entitlement bugs me sometimes. Does anyone not take responsibility for themselves anymore? For some people it's as if it's everyone else's job to make them happy. If you don't comply? Well, then there's the guilt trip thing.

Example: My tenants didn't bother to tell me there was a leak in the bathroom - for a YEAR! By the time I found out about it (not because they bothered to tell me, either), the damage was so bad that the walls and the floor had to be ripped out. So what should have cost me $5 and 20 minutes turned into a huge production, five THOUSAND dollars and several days of having workmen in my home.

Anyway, I told the tenants (who live in my home) that they would obviously not be able to use the shower for a few days until the workmen were done, but they could use the sink and the toilet. I told them they were welcome to come upstairs to my place and use my shower, provided they gave me some sort of notice.

Tonight the one tenant told me she wanted to be able to use the downstairs shower in the morning. I told her no, that the contractor had made it clear to me that the silicone and seals had to set properly before it could be used.

She said, "Well the guy who was here today told me I could use the shower in the morning."

I said, "He shouldn't have told you that. He's not the boss and the boss made it clear that the shower couldn't be used until tomorrow night."

She stared at me, obviously annoyed.

I said, "If you want to use my shower, you are welcome to come up."

She stared at me. "But he said I could use it in the morning."

Now I was beginning to get annoyed. After work I'd spent the evening putting varathane on the new trim in her bathroom instead of taking a much needed break.

I said, "Look, the expert tells me tomorrow night. If the seals aren't allowed to cure properly we're going to end up going through this whole production again and I'm just not doing it."

Her: Long forlorn sigh. Then she said, "Well, I'll just have to call them and tell them I can't come for my job interview tomorrow."

Me: "You are welcome to come up tonight and shower upstairs. In the morning I have to leave really early to drive to Toronto. You usually take your shower at night anyway, so you'll be all set."

(Note: I happen to know it's her usual habit to take her showers at night and not the morning)

Her - tersely: "Well if I have someplace to go I shower in the morning."

Another long sigh and a dirty look from her. (I hate that passive-aggressive crap)

Now I'm annoyed. I said, "Well, that's your choice." and I walked away.

So it was okay to let the walls and floor rot and cave in, but not okay if she has to take a shower tonight instead of the morning.

This is the same girl who borrowed my vacuum and broke it and never had it fixed - and so now does not vacuum. But she could go out and buy a brand new DVD player, go out to the bar on the weekends and spend a ton of money renting movies. Yet somehow the vacuum issue is not an issue - it's my problem. This is the same person who fills up the fridge that everyone is supposed to SHARE but no one else can use it because she's crammed it full.

Tonight I noticed that there is a big depression in the kitchen floor - where she stands cooking for hours on end. I don't begrudge her the cooking. She's overweight and the weight of her standing on the same place on the floor has caused the damage. I cannot blame her for this either, but I still have to pay for it and ripping up a kitchen floor will not be cheap or easy.

I know it's wrong, but I have to admit that these facts made it harder for me to be patient with the long sighs and her letting me know that she'd just have to rearrange her day because she couldn't shower at the time she wanted.

Cancelled Meeting

A meeting that I was really excited about got cancelled yesterday.  That sucks.

My work shoes (for the night job) came in.  That's a good thing (but I won't like seeing the deductions that will come off my paycheque until the shoes are paid off).  I'm hoping these shoes will be better for my feet.  The soles of my feet are blistered now and it hurts to walk.  Maybe these shoes will be better for my feet and back, too.  I'm hopeful.

Last night it was emotionally difficult to be at work, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because of the big anticipation and disappointment earlier in the day, maybe fatigue, maybe because I rushed through my pre-shift prayer... I don't know.

Today's food costs:

breakfast - coffee (cost me about $1 for the whole day because I gave coffee to the workmen who were here - the reason they were here is a whole other lousy story.)
Lunch - peanut butter and jam on toast - $0.28 (the jam was almost free... that's a cool story)
yogurt - $0.76
Dinner- spaghetti & two pieces of bread - $0.75

Total food costs for the day -  $2.79

I think that no matter how good for me the yogurt is, after it's gone I'm not going to buy it again.  It's too much per serving and it doesn't fill me up at all.  Last night/this morning, as tired as I was, I was having trouble sleeping because I was hungry.

I'm very tired today.  It's hard to focus enough to even figure out what I'm supposed to be doing today, never mind actually do it.  I have to figure out a way to stay positive.    In business one cannot afford to be negative or sanguine.  

I have to come up with many thousands of dollars by tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I'm scared today.

Respect The Clothesline

Ontario is considering lifting the ban on clotheslines.  I didn't even know there was such a ban!

If you hang out your clothes in the winter, don't they just freeze instead of dry?

In the summer, hanging out the clothes would be nice. That would save hydro.

Is there such a thing as a retractable clothesline?  I'd like to have one that I could reel in or retract when it's not in use.  That would be perfect.

CBC did an article on the issue of the clothesline ban and in it Keith Stewart of the World Wildlife Fund said that it's time to give clotheslines the respect they deserve.

Diet In Terms of Dollars

In order to save money one of the things to do is to figure out where it's being spent.  It's easy to see where larger amounts go, but one can lose a lot by not being careful with the little things.  For example a medium Tim Horton's coffee costs $1.37 (I think).  No big deal, right?  Say you buy a coffee every day on the way to work.  Allowing for two weeks a year of not going to work (therefore not buying the coffee), your coffee bill adds up to $342.50 a year.

Okay, coffee can be a sensitive subject.  The point is the little stuff can get ya'.

I'm paying attention to how much it costs me to eat and I'm going to keep track of it for a while.


Yesterday went like this:

Breakfast - nothing
Lunch - egg salad sandwich (no butter) $0.89
Dinner - wasted egg salad (the one that froze) $0.89
             - hot chocolate $0.30
              - cheeseburger $2.

Today
Breakfast - coffee at home approx $0.50 for the entire day's worth
Lunch - egg salad sandwich $0.89
Dinner - spaghetti - $0.53; two slices of bread $0.22; yogurt $0.76 (I'm trying the yogurt thing to see if it helps with the tummy problems)

So my food costs for the past two days is $6.22.  (Everything was bought on sale, by the way.) Not too bad.  

Is it balanced and healthy?  No.  But in the past I've spent more and done worse. 

Food shopping tips:

If it has no nutritional value it's a waste of money.  If you don't have enough money to spend freely at the grocery store, you need to buy things that are going to give you a nutritional bang for your buck.  (yeah, yeah, I know.... I drink coffee every day, but I need it now to stay awake to work the two jobs!)  If you can't eat a lot then it's even more important to get at least some nutrition into you.

Buy whole wheat bread.  The store brand whole wheat costs the same as the white.  No matter what the ads tell you, food that is less processed is better for you.  If you don't like whole wheat, try it anyway; You'll get accustomed to it.

If you like to snack, invest in an air popper for popcorn.  You can get a lot of popcorn for very little money if you do it that way.  Even the Light microwave popping corn is full of stuff that is terrible for you and it costs a lot more per serving.  If you go with air popped, both your wallet and your body will thank you.

Water is your friend.  Forget about the bottled stuff.  It's been proven that it's no better than tap water.  Your wallet and the environment will thank you if you stick with tap water.  Drinking water instead of pop is much better for you anyway.  In spite of my need for coffee, I've replaced much of it with water.

***
Well, I'd better get off of the computer.  I only had two hours of sleep last night and have a busy day at both workplaces tomorrow.  There are still a few things I have to do around the house before I can go to bed.  My pillow has been calling me all day!
.

Sort of Egg Salad

Even though I get a discount at the fast food place it's not cheap enough for me.  Yesterday, thinking I'd be smart and save my $2, I made my own lunch to take to work.  I made an egg salad sandwich - sort of egg salad.  Yes, I used real eggs and mayo, but there was none of the other good stuff that is supposed to be in egg salad, like onion and celery.  That stuff is too expensive.

I like to cook (although I admit that making egg salad hardly counts as cooking).  Back when I had money I would come home from work and make myself a gourmet meal every single night.  Then I would clean the house, play with the cats and read.  That's not at all exciting for most people, but I really enjoyed it.  I was happy.

Now there is no money, no time, and no energy for cooking.  This too shall pass - or so I keep telling myself.

Anyway, so I've got my egg salad and homemade hot chocolate.  I leave it in my car because there's no place to put it at work, no fridge for employee lunches.  I figure the car would keep the egg salad cold and my trusty thermos will keep my hot chocolate hot.

At break time I went to my car to retrieve my lunch.  All I'd had all day was a sandwich and I was hungry.  I unwrapped my sandwich, anticipating how good it's going to feel to eat.  I was feeling grateful.

I chomp down..... ick!  It's frozen!  My sandwich is frozen!  Ugh.  Maybe I can still eat it.  I take another bite.  This isn't going to work.

I go back in.  I'll have to buy something after all.  There's no way I'm going to make it through the rest of the night without eating.  I dig in the bottom of my purse and, luckily, am able to come up with enough change for a cheeseburger.  Now I have to wait in line.  My 30 minute break is almost over by the time I get my burger and get back to my car.  All I want is something to eat and ten minutes to myself.

That burger did taste good.  I opened my thermos with the same anticipation as I did my sandwich.  I took a big swig.  My hot chocolate was lukewarm and didn't taste right.  I drank it anyway and was sorry afterwards.  I think it had gone off.

So I'll eat the rest of the egg salad for lunch today (at a sort of normal lunchtime at the day job).  I'll stick with peanut butter and jam for nighttime.  I have to figure out where I can leave it while I'm working.  The only place is the employee bathroom.  I think it's gross to leave food in the bathroom.  Maybe if I wrap it well and double bag it...  I mean, it's not going to kill me.

So I've gone from gourmet to PB&J in the bathroom.  I never thought I'd be here.  Still, it's better than nothing.  I've had nothing before.  This is still wealth compared to what some people have.

Tithing and Scraping

I believe in tithing.  I believe if everyone was to give, then no one would need anything - in an ideal world.  Of course we don't live in an ideal world, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't do my part as an individual.  Maybe my little drop in the bucket doesn't mean anything to most people, but I also know that the ocean is comprised of single drops.

The money I've pulled in falls far short of covering the bills, even basic needs.  This makes it very difficult on a mental and emotional level to tithe or donate money.  So today I was really struggling with this.  I was putting my meager donation into the envelope to give, and swallowing hard against the lump in my throat the whole time.  Then I felt bad because I wasn't giving cheerfully.

Guilt is a strange animal.  Sometimes I think I should rid myself of all forms of guilt, but then I think that guilt can be a useful thing; It prevents people from doing rotten things.  There are people walking around who feel no guilt and they hurt other people without thought or concern.  I don't want to be like that.

I'm supposed to be in church right now, but I'm too darned tired and I have much to do before I have to go to work.  There's  a lot going on in this household that I have to take care of and I still have to get ready for work at the day job this week as well, so I don't feel guilty about not going to church.  

Anyway, back to the money issues...  Over a number of years I collected reward points.  It was time to cash them in.  I looked at what I could get.  There were some nice things, but I don't want or need more "stuff".  I need to pay the hydro bill, the water bill, the morgage, etc.  More stuff isn't going to help me do that.  I discovered I could get cash for my points, so that's what I did.  It wasn't a lot - not even enough to pay a single bill- but it was something.  I tithed from that, too and put the rest of it towards my debt load.  

I wonder what people think when they get payments from me - $10, $14.50, silly little numbers, the kinds of payments that most people wouldn't even bother with, the kinds of payments that people laugh at.  But for me $10 is a big deal and it's still better than nothing.

After I put my tithe in the envelope, I went into my closet to get the ironing out so that my clothes for this week are ready (I won't have time to take care of it later).  I saw a bag in the back of the closet.  I picked it up and realized that it was a bag of pennies.  I rolled up the pennies and found I had $1 less than the amount of money I'd just put in the church envelope.  Interesting timing, isn't it.  .  . 

Is It Worth It?

I've taken a second job.  I run a small business by day and now I'm working at a fast food place at night.  I'm exhausted all of the time and my body aches.  Sometimes I don't get home until 3am and I have to get up at 5am for my day job.  It's very hard.  Sometimes I want to cry just because I'm so darned tired.

Every night before my shift, I stand in the bathroom at work and ask God to help me get through, to keep my physical body functioning so I can do the job, to help me to be a good employee and a good co-worker.    Some of these people will be stuck working for minimum wage for the rest of their lives.  I won't.

Also, at the beginning of each shift I thank God for the job.  

Some people think that minimum wage isn't worth the exhaustion, the aches and pains, the sacrifice of free time, etc.  No, it's not.  But the slight chance of keeping my home, the roof over my head, IS worth the exhaustion, aches and pains and the absence of free time.  Minimum wage is not enough to pay the bills - It's not even close to enough.  But zero wage certainly is not enough.

What I need is to make enough money at the day job so that I don't have to do this anymore.  I need help with that but cannot find it - yet.

Anyway, is it worth it?  The answer would have to be yes because the consequences of the alternative choice are not ones that I can cope with.

A New Project

I'm going to use this space for something different.  I haven't told my friends that this space is here and I intend to only tell a select few.  I want to diarize what I'm doing and want to connect with others in the way that people connect in cyberspace, but I don't want my private world opened up to those who would actually walk up to me at church or work and pass judgement.  I also don't want people to look at me and define the whole of who I am based on a blog.  We are all far more than one aspect of our situations or thought.

I've found myself in a dire financial situation.  This is a result of a number of things - partly misfortune, partly illness that set me back terribly in many ways and pretty much wiped me out financially, partly because of lack of knowledge that led to bad decisions on my part, and partly because of my having optimism when I shouldn't have.

So I'm going to record my efforts and journey here.  Maybe someone else will benefit from it.