Drive-Thru

There's too much going on and it's too late to write much. I'll have to add it to the list of things I want to write about...

Thought I'd tell you something funny, though (for a change of pace, here).

I was working at the drive-thru window for the very first time. I had no idea what I was doing and everyone was too busy to teach me anything, so I just smiled a lot and hoped for the best.

There's a motion sensor at the window so the window opens when you stand against the sensor. It stays open until you move away. Well, I thought that all you had to do was stand in front of it, not right against the thing.

A car pulled up...

I had the order ready.

I stood against the sensor.

The window opened.

It's all good. I start to hand the order to the customer in the car, but as I leaned over, my hip was no longer against the sensor.

The window closed...

... with me still hanging outside.

Should have seen the looks on the faces of the customers!

I bet the look on my face was pretty funny, too.

Then... it happened again. (...images of Homer Simpson touching the stove five times... doh! doh! doh! ...)

I was afraid of that darned window until someone could explain to me that you always have to be right up on that sensor.

Would have made an embarrassing You-Tube.

Security expert attacked by Drive-Thru window. Oh, yeah. Real smart.

Tumbling Down

And the walls came tumbling down....

in a very bad way.

My son lost his apartment. As of Friday, he has to be out, no place to put his furniture, has to figure out what to do with his cat... He's crushed and so am I.

I have given so much to strangers over time that now I don't have the means to help my own child. I never thought we would be here.

I can't tell you what it's like to watch your child's spirit and self esteem be crushed and be powerless to help him.

I was expecting income from two different sources - neither came through as they should have.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Trading Problems

It's just after 1am and I get to go to bed - imagine that. And I don't have to get up until 6am.

Not much to say today - worked hard (still made zero dollars, but it's gotta pay off sooner or later, one way or another, right?)

Made arrangements to have a truckload of the ex-tenant's garbage taken away. The company doing the work is a new company, which is part of why I gave them my business. I'll be talking to the owner tomorrow - a new contact perhaps?

Gosh... never before have I seen meeting people as making "contacts". Not sure I like that thinking so much...

My son called - He's run into more difficulty. I wasn't much help except to calm him down a bit (after I'd frustrated him) and get him to think more broadly. Sometimes that boy says or does things and I wonder who raised him... Then again, he's the same boy who told his grade 1 teacher that mothers sew things for their kids. The teacher thought that was just grand - I don't know where he got that idea since even at that age he knew his mother could barely sew on a button!

Puppy threw up on my bed. She's okay, though. It's not so bad... was an excuse to put on fresh sheets - which I'm looking forward to crawling into soon. :)

Thanked God for everything today (I think so, anyway) and recognized that there is so much of Him that I just do not see. I wonder if He gets frustrated with us. I wonder if He sometimes looks at us and shakes His head and thinks, "Where do my kids GET these IDEAS?!! What are they THINKING?!!"

Yep - If God could go crazy, we'd be enough to drive Him there.

In the morning we're doing paperwork for the re-financing. If you could remember, please pray that it all goes smoothly. I do not believe that God wants me to lose my home. I do believe I need His help in some pretty big ways.

Tomorrow night I might even have time to do something in my kitchen... That would be nice. I'm not working the second job because the restaurant is undergoing some renovations. Smaller paycheck for me, which is bad; But a bit of a break and a chance to catch up, which is good.

I was telling my boy today, we just exchange one set of problems for another. We just gotta keep trying to solve them, and choose, when we can, the set of problems we want to have.

I keep getting the sense that, in spite of how bad it all seems, that something's going to happen... something's going to change for the better - but I don't know what or how. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking. .... still... there's this strange feeling of positive anticipation and I don't know where it's coming from....

Worth It

I'd been thinking that my life had become petty because I wasn't doing enough to help other people and I've been thinking more about basic survival rather than anything deeper. But maybe it's not so petty... maybe God will use this time anyway - if I let Him.

Tonight at the night job I was having a conversation with a 17-year-old boy. I quite like this boy and he and I have a lot of conversations. It started out a while back when he had been very frustrated and angry over a situation where he had been demeaned and hurt and felt powerless. He'd wanted to explode in anger and retaliate. Instead, he chose to wait out the situation and then talk about it. He had chosen to talk about it to me. So we had this conversation about choices, about recognizing one's own feelings and thoughts, about empathy, about differences among people, about why people do some of the things they do, about personal responsibility, etc, etc. I had pointed out to him that he did indeed make a choice - a positive one - and told him I respected the choice that he'd made. You should have seen it - You could see the lights go on in his eyes. That was the first of many conversations we've had.

As it turns out, this boy wants to be a police officer. Right now he is facing all sorts of situations and choices which could make or break him in terms of his dreams. We're talking about those. We're talking about options and opportunities. No one has really talked to him that way before; Some people just assume that kids learn this stuff on their own. It occurred to me tonight that perhaps God is using me for this boy. If my care for him and the time spent with him can influence him to make a positive choice or avoid a bad one or make him feel like he has a real shot at life, like he's worth something... well, to me that's worth a lot of sleep deprivation and blisters on my feet. Jesus had to die; I don't have to go nearly that far.

The subjects that came up tonight were cars, money, credit cards, guys who are afraid of girls, anti-Semitism, asphyxia, sexual deviance, and... God. Not too many adults would have that kind topical diversity in a conversation. I'm grateful that this boy trusts me enough to talk to me like this. I'm grateful that I'm comfortable in discussing these things. I'm grateful that God opens these doors. I'm grateful that God has given me this responsibility, but I recognize I need Him in order to make it work the way it ought to.

And I'm grateful for my puppy who just snuck in here (as if I'm not going to see her), grabbed something out of the garbage basket and ran away - haha!

God, please bless teenagers and dogs. Please bless messed up people (including me, please). Please bless everyone who searches for answers, who needs a little peace, a little help, a little strength, a little wisdom. Please bless all of those who work hard and those who try even if they fail. God please bless my friends, and thank You for them.

And God, please save my home and my animals. Please bless my business. I'm willing to work hard, but I still need You more than anything else.

Amen

Gotta try to catch some z's now; I have court first thing in the morning.

Thank you to everyone reading and commenting and walking through this with me.

It's Not The Same

I didn't go.

I can't believe it. I was looking forward to going to church and I didn't go.

I couldn't fall asleep until 3am again. This has happened before in recent times.... When I got up, my throat was swollen and killing me and I had a doozy of a headache. What is this?! I can't afford to be sick. I went back to bed. My glands are still pretty swollen and the head still hurts, but not as bad as this morning and my throat isn't hurting so much. So I'm telling myself that I'm not sick - but I should eat those oranges my friend gave to me.

Yes, I know I can worship without going to church; I can read and pray without going to church; with all that the internet has to offer I can even get the benefit of a sermon without going to church; I can serve others and serve Christ without going to church. These things are not limited to church; They're part of daily living anyway.

Still... it's not the same.

There's something about going to church that's important. There are human connections that wouldn't take place without it; There's the difference in dynamic when worshipping; There's someone else's take on a sermon or scripture passage; And I think... I'm not sure, but I think there is something that happens in the spiritual realm when believers get together like that. It's something good. I also believe that not going to church eventually makes one vulnerable.

That's just my thinking, anyway.

A Day Off

I'd been worried that something would happen to take away my first and only day off in more than a month, but the day off did come, so I'm grateful.

This morning I even slept in!

When I got up, I found that the dogs had pooped and peed everywhere - including on the couch. They had also got into the garbage and there was garbage everywhere. Of course they couldn't confine the garbage to just one room. Oh noooo... It's much more fun to drag it around from room to room and play with it all! They must have had a blast, and mommy here slept through it all.

Once I figured out that they hadn't eaten anything poisonous, I was mad at them (for about three minutes - which is a long time to be mad at these two).

It took a good hour to clean it all up.

I went and bought the paper, sat in front of the tv with coffee and a crossword puzzle. Very nice :)

I got some laundry done and got a bit of cleaning done in my room and the bathroom - nothing heavy duty, though, which is fine, since it is a day off after all.

Ate a cheese and tomato sandwich - yummy!

Purposely stayed away from my office and emails.

While I was downstairs doing laundry a tenant (the one who was mad 'cause she couldn't shower when she wanted) asked me if she could borrow my carpet cleaner. (I'd offered to clean her carpet a month ago and she'd declined because it wasn't vacuumed. The only vacuum available was the one of mine that she broke last summer)

Anyway, when she asked to borrow the carpet cleaner, I said "no". She looked utterly stunned.

She asked why.

(Do I need a reason? Why do I feel compelled to even answer?)

I told her it was because she'd already broken my vacuum and I wasn't going to then lend her a very expensive machine that I don't even have paid off yet.

She was furious. She stormed off and now is not speaking to me.

Am I missing something? Did I do something wrong here?

Perhaps she thought she was doing me a favour by cleaning the carpet in her room. But does that mean that I don't have the right to say no to lend her a machine that isn't even paid for yet when she broke and didn't replace another expensive appliance previously?

I'm having trouble believing I did something so terrible as to justify that kind of anger from her.

... trying not to think about how I'm going to pay the bills and fix that one empty room without any rental income....

I still have this evening off.

I didn't do much today. How come I'm still tired?

Well, in any event, I'm still very glad to have this day and this break!

Don't know what I'm going to do tonight - maybe nothing! hee hee!

Mouse

Got out of the night job late again - and the only reason I got out was because I left. I'm tired yet my body is still in work mode. I'll do some breathing exercises and focusing exercises in a little while.

So, I'm just going to jot down what the day was like. I haven't had a minute to really think about much.

At some point I want to write about the concept of "simply accepting"; also what I mentioned before about sowing and reaping. Also thinking about this whole concept of "The Law of Attraction" and why I think it's dangerous. That's a big one, though and I don't know if I'll get to it.

I had court this morning - I didn't have to prepare because I didn't have to speak or anything, but I was still supposed to be there (for reasons that are irrelevant to this post). I left nice and early, figuring I'd leave lots of room to get stuck in traffic (which is always the way with rush hour). I even thought I might get there early enough to visit with the courthouse chaplain before court started.

Nope. Accidents, a car fire (no, not my car- Hey "P" - Do you remember the time I set myself on fire when I was driving? hahaha!), and people slowing down to look at what was going on with the traffic coming the opposite way made the drive impossible. Over two hours when it should have taken 40 minutes. Over two hours and I still wasn't even close to the courthouse. I had missed it even before I could get there.

Was ticked off at the situation and upset with myself because it was important to me that I get there and I didn't make it. I hate failure.

Went home to get changed and got a call from someone I'd been talking to about the business - He knows a gazillion people and I want him to understand what we do. I also think I can learn from him.

He wanted to stop by my house for coffee. I said yes.

Put the kettle on to prepare for my new way of making coffee.

Did the "dash-and-stash" to hide the mess somewhat. (gotta remember not to turn on the oven before I empty it - ha!)

Had a nice visit. Talked about a lot of stuff. He told me about some situations where he'd met people half way even when he was certain he was right. I thought that was good. Too often I go all the way even when others are wrong and I'm right - and then they expect it again and again - and then I end up getting mad and finally push them back and they don't understand what happened and I end up as the bad guy. I like the meeting them half-way even if they're wrong but not necessarily giving away the farm approach. I'll have to practice that one.

Worked at the day job.

Got an email from a friend who referred me to her employer re our services. Should I hope? I'm certain I could help them - will have to send them some info and then wait and see.

Called my sister - her birthday today - nice conversation.

Looked in my fridge - just to look in it 'cause it's full.

Looked at the hydro bill. I can't pay it. So frustrated and worried.

Threw the hydro bill on the table and went and looked in the fridge again. Yep. There's really food in there.

Went to the night job. Manager tried to pull the same crap again with the staying ridiculously late. I knew that was going to happen. I left anyway - (her boss and the boss above that boss told me ahead of time that we should all just leave) - but the other employees felt bad, so they stayed and waited for her. Then I felt bad. I keep reminding myself that all of these people are making choices and those choices are not my fault. Still feel bad, though.

Prayed for them all. Prayed for my friends (including you who are reading). Prayed for my boy and my animals. I love them all. I prayed for me a little, too.

By the way - what's-his-name did email me like I predicted. Just one sentence -"You'll never hear from me again". That's his way of letting me know he's erasing me. That's the result I was aiming for, but it still wasn't easy to take.

"Don't throw your pearls to swine" - yeah, that could apply here.

I feel like a mouse in a maze.

Look at how petty my life has become.

Buying Into A Lie?

... still thinking about why it's so hard for me to take and why, when I do get something I feel like I ought to give it away....

I think they are two separate questions and may or may not be related to each other.

A commenter referred to a book on co-dependence. I've read that book and a number of others related to co-dependence and am absolutely certain that's not the issue/problem for me.

I do know that part of the issue is fear - fear of being a bad person, fear of being a bad Christian, fear of hurting others in ways that some have hurt me, fear of becoming someone I don't like.

Is it important to understand why I feel that fear? I don't know. Whether I figure out why or not, I do need to change what's happening here and now.

Another question came to mind today. That is "Have I unwittingly bought into the lie that so many people believe?" The lie I'm talking about is the "the world owes me a living" kind of thinking that allows my tenant to destroy my home and feel no remorse, that allows people to call churches ostensibly looking for baby formula (when really they want money for something else), that allows people to demand what they have no right to, that allows people to steal, cheat, lie and defraud their way through life.

You all know I have not bought into that lie for myself; I do not think the world owes me a living, that's for sure. I even have trouble asking for things that are legitimately owed to me. But that doesn't necessarily mean I haven't bought into this lie on some level. Somewhere inside, do I think that those who believe the world owes them are right? Do I think that as part of their world that I somehow owe them?

I bet that sounds weird.... but it's something I'm pondering.

Another question: Do I think I don't deserve to be okay? No, I don't think that. Do I think I deserve to struggle like this? Actually, no, I don't think that either. But it does bring up another question. If people around me are suffering, do I think it's okay for me not to suffer, too? That's different from deserving to suffer, different from not deserving to be okay. It reminds me of the old - "Don't you know there are kids starving in Africa" line. I think it's a rich variation of survivor guilt. And I think the answer is yes. So I'm going to have to think on that one some more.

If it's a form of survivor guilt, it would explain why I get so angry at those who do think the world owes them a living. (Guilt and anger are closely tied together, for those of you who didn't already know that).

hmmm....

Hard To Give To - Part 2

Recap: Saturday I was grateful for what I do have and thinking I'd be having to eat only oatmeal soon, but was still grateful because I recognized that God is still providing for me and still holding me up. I've come to think that He even holds me up by helping me in the way I think.

Sunday: The neighbour said, "It IS the police, and nobody died!"

The neighbour helped my friend to my door. This poor woman didn't even get both feet in the door before I said, "What are you doing?! I worked all night, I have to work today and all I wanted was to sleep!"

She said she was sorry, that she wasn't going to stay. She said she had some things for me and that she knew I wouldn't want her to give me anything or do anything for me and that she struggled with it all night because it was just too hard for her to stand by and do nothing.

I know that feeling. What could I say?

Of course I let her in. There was no way I was going to reject her.

I was embarrassed about the state of my house. Housework is something I've done very little of since I've started all of this. And of course the dogs jumped all over her - these aren't tiny little dogs, either.

I told her in a tone that was... mmm... animated? excited? "My coffee maker is broken and I have no milk, so I can't even offer you a cup of coffee!" (Funny, half asleep and embarrassed I'd momentarily forgotten that I had figured out a way to make coffee).

She said it didn't matter.

She told me that she was prepared for whatever reaction I might have, and that she had brought me fresh fruits and vegetables and reimbursement for gas money ('cause I'd done something for her before) and I could be mad as I wanted but it was just TOO BAD! She was doing this and I was taking it and that's that! The tears welled up in her eyes and streaked down one cheek.

Whoah.

What have I done to my friend? How I made her struggle because I am so unaccepting of being given things.

I'm so afraid of taking too much, of taking people for granted, of taking advantage of people, that I actually take away something else from them.

Ouch.

We talked.

I'm crying as I write this. I know that feeling of helplessness when you watch someone you love go through something and you can't do anything. I know what she felt. I know that when it comes to these things I'm a real pain. I see that rejection of a gift can feel like rejection of the giver.

I wanted her to understand that she'd already given me a great gift by simply being herself and by being my friend. Friendship, somebody caring, somebody listening, somebody understanding, means more to me than all of the material things in the world. I wanted her to understand that she didn't have to do anything for me. I wanted her to understand that I didn't need her to fix things for me or give material things to me.

But I was the one who didn't understand. Maybe I didn't need for her to do this, but SHE needed her to do this. (make sense?)

Remember my friend who made me all of those casseroles and the stew? I offered to pay her. I was so concerned about taking too much, taking something for nothing, taking for granted, etc... She has a way of telling me "no" (as in she's not letting me pay her) that must be listened to. It's a very nice way, very polite, but you just know not to mess with her. haha! It did make me start to think, though about this issue of receiving. Clearly I didn't think about it enough. Clearly I still have an "issue" that is not the fault or responsibility of those who care about me.

The same woman who gave me the casseroles also made it very clear to me that I was not to take what she gave me and turn around and give it away. I finally "get" that. If I gave my sister a dollar and she turned around and gave away 50 cents, even though she needed that whole dollar, I'd be upset. Yet when someone gives me a dollar, I have this thing in my head that I SHOULD give away 50 cents. I'm not sure where this comes from, but I think it's not a right way of thinking. I don't think everyone else should give away what they have if they need it - just me. When a "rule" applies to everyone else except me, then I know it can't be correct.

My friend and I ended up having a few laughs before I had to go to work. And the ice turned to water just in time.

My friend had brought food for my pets. A lot of people forget about pets and how important they are. You know, even before things got this bad, a guy suggested to me that I get rid of my pets (and he would be happy to take my dogs for me), in order to save money. That's like asking me to give up my children. He also told me not to buy them food, but to just give them table scraps. He said farmers do it and that's how farm dogs survive. Well, first off, he's assuming that there ARE table scraps to give them in the first place, and that those table scraps don't contain anything toxic to dogs (a number of things that humans eat will kill a dog). Secondly, the dogs need proper nutrition, too. I see these animals as gifts from God. They are vulnerable and God has entrusted them to my care - I will take care of them (with His help, now I've learned). Besides, I love them like nobody's business. So that was a big deal to me that my friend remembered my furbabies.

She had brought me four grocery bags full of fresh fruit and vegetables - just when I thought I'd be having that oatmeal. The "gas money" was far more than I'd spent on gas and parking. I told her that, but knew better than to argue about it.

So God DID give me a gourmet buffet. And I have a lot to learn about receiving things, never mind doing it gracefully.

You know, that broken-back feeling has been coming back. Every time it does, I quietly say, "No, no" - not a fearful "no" - more like a command, like "get away from me". In the recent past I would not have even tried that. I would have simply accepted the pain and tried to find a way to cope. There's a difference in thinking there. I was thinking about that this morning and noticed that when pain comes, I just accept it, but that when something good comes I have trouble accepting it. I can think of some reasons for why that is, but I'm not sure I truly know the answer(s) as to why. It's become clear to me that I need to figure this out. I'm hard to give to and that causes those I love the most to suffer in ways. (This is hard for me to admit, especially because my intention has been the opposite of the result.) By being this way, am I rejecting what God Himself offers me? By so readily accepting pain and being so fearful and tentative about accepting the good stuff, am I sabotaging myself unwittingly? Is this part of that "curse" or a result of other things? Why do I think like this? How do I change it? How do I learn to accept without becoming like those who act like the world owes them a living? I don't even know where to draw the lines; I have no frame of reference for that because I've been this way for as long as I remember.

I'm not even sure where to go next in my thinking.

Comments, even tough ones, are welcome.

It's Coming!!!!

Yes, I will do part 2 of the last post - but will do it sometime during the day tomorrow (really today).

In preparation for that story, I'll tell you that on Saturday when I was packing my lunch, some of that meatball dish my friend gave to me, I was thinking about how grateful I was to have that. I was remembering a time when I ate nothing but oatmeal for two months. Two meals a day - both oatmeal - for two months because that's all I could manage. I remember being soooo sick of oatmeal, but grateful that I had something. And now, even in the current situation, so far I haven't gone a day without a meal and have not had to eat only oatmeal or only rice (did that one for a while, too) for weeks or months in a row. You know, there are people who won't have the same thing two days in a row, never mind two months.

Anyway, the whole thing reminded me of the story of Manna from heaven. The Israelites were so grateful, but got pretty sick of eating just that. God got mad and basically said, 'okay, if you want meat, you'll get so much that you'll be sick of that, too'. So He sent quail (I think - too lazy to look it up....) and they got sick of that, too.

God never promised that He would give us a gourmet buffet every day.

I've been figuring I would have start with the oatmeal pretty soon and that I'm very lucky that I haven't had to do that thus far. Still, I figured it's coming, but it's still something. I still won't starve and die like some people do. So, I said a prayer. I said I was sorry for all the times I've been less than grateful. I said thanks for what I have. I said that even when I have to resort to the oatmeal, that I'm grateful and told God "thank you" ahead of time for that. That was Saturday afternoon.

Now... re the title of this post....

.... oooooohhhhhh I'm so excited!

ha!

It's coming!!!!

I found out that.....

..... are ya ready?.... (hehe)

I'm going to get A DAY OFF!!!!

Yes!

A WHOLE day! A whole day off!

Yep! This Saturday!

Yes!! WOOHOOO!!!!

A whole day off!!!! YAY!!!!

What should I do with it? I don't know!

Here are some things I could do with it. Let me know what you think, 'cause I don't even know what the best thing to do is...

I could:
- get caught up on housework
- sleep (but then my day would be gone)
- clean and organize my office
- play a video game
- take the dogs for a walk
- groom the kitties
- prepare a week's worth of meals and freeze them
- laze around in my pajamas and watch movies all day
- give myself a home spa kinda thing (soak the old feet, manicure, do my hair...)
- get up whenever I feel like it and linger over coffee and a crossword
- get caught up on some stuff re the day job
- bake something (I think I have stuff to do that...)

Any other ideas?

What should I pick?

Can I really take the day off? If I'm not productive, will I struggle with that? Will I think about all the things I should be doing? How do I mentally prepare for a day off so that it can be a real day off?

Anyone?

Hard To Give To - Part 1

I'm a little lost at the day job today. What I've been doing hasn't worked well enough for me, so I have to do something different. I did have a plan, which I'd started on, but it requires a great deal of time, I no longer have an assistant (can't afford one), and so I'm thinking about whether to implement the plan partially or to change it altogether. Since I can't just sit here, I'll let the back of my mind work on the problem while I tell you about what else happened yesterday.

Sunday morning: I worked Saturday night and didn't get to bed until 5am. I felt like crap and, knowing I had to work Sunday afternoon and Sunday night, decided I would try to get some sleep. I don't know what time it was by the time my body wound down and I fell asleep, but I don't think it was too too long.

Dogs were jumping all over me at 7:30 am. They really needed to go out. I took them out (gotta do it one at a time). I went back to bed.

The phone rang. I'm not going to answer it.

People are moving about downstairs. I try to tune them out.

I fall asleep and hear banging on my door. It must be one of those door to door salespeople. I'm not getting up for that.

A few minutes (I think) goes by.

More banging. God, make them go away, I have to sleep.

A few more minutes...

More banging. Is that my front door or someone in my kitchen? What if it's my son? What if something's wrong? No... my son would just come right in to my room.

What if there's a huge problem with the house? I don't hear any commotion... Do I smell smoke? Is the house on fire? Nope. Forget it; They can write me a note. I'm tired of jumping at everyone else's request. I so need to sleep.

Then there's HUGE banging, jolting. Like the kind of banging that the police do when they really need to get someone's attention.

Could it be the police? A problem in the neighbourhood? An emergency? Oh, my goodness, there's no reason for the police to be at my door unless someone died. I have to get up.

I stumble to the door, forgetting to grab a robe to cover my Winnie-the-Pooh pajamas. I glance out the window. How many police cars are out there? None.

Crap. Not the police, so who could be banging my door like that?! I'm seriously annoyed now.

I didn't try to hide my annoyance when I stood behind the door and bellowed, "WHO IS IT!"

"It's me from next door" shouts my neighbour (who happens to be a police officer).

I open the door, now actually trying to hide the frustration and annoyance I feel, which seethes out of me anyway....

"Hi, how are ya." (but I bark it out rather than say it) ..... telling myself to unfurrow my brow....

"There's a lady in your driveway. She says she's a friend of yours and she's driven here all the way from Toronto. She walks with a cane and the sidewalks are sheet ice because of the freezing rain. Do you want me to help her to the door?"

"What?! No one from Toronto is coming to see me! I've worked all night! I'm not expecting anyone! It must be a mistake!"

He stands there blinking.

Why can't I stop scowling? My facial expression betrays me so often.

Why, when I was trying to say something in a normal tone of voice did it come out sounding so awful? Ugh.

I look at him - he's still standing there blinking - doesn't know quite what to do. He's never seen me behave like this. Poor guy is just trying to help. He saw a lady with a cane trying to walk on sheet ice, having driven a long way, she can't drive back due to the condition of the roads and he's a nice guy - can't let her break her neck, can't leave her sitting in her car in an ice storm. He also wants to help his neighbour. He's busy, has to go out... none of this is his fault yet here he is being scowled at by his neighbour who he was just trying to help.

Oh.... I can be such a b-e-o-t-c-h!!

"What does she look like?" I ask.

He's completely thrown off. He starts to describe her. I peek and see the car.

Blasted. It's not a mistake. I know who it is and she DID drive all the way from Toronto and it IS the middle of an ice-storm. She IS my friend and I love her, so why do I still feel so miserable?! What's wrong with me?! I'm actually glad to see her, but still soooo tired.

I look at my neighbour again. He's staring at me. He looks like a little kid who just got in trouble; He looks a little bewildered.

He said, "I salted your sidewalk and your steps, but it's still all ice. I really have to go out. Do you want me to help this lady?"

Me: "Well, I certainly can't leave her there and I'm not going to make her drive all the way back to Toronto without seeing her. She really is a friend of mine. I just don't know what in the heck she is doing." (Notice how rude I am - I don't even thank him for salting the sidewalk or trying to help!)

Him: "I'm sorry I banged so loudly on your door. Your friend said she'd tried, but you didn't answer."

Me: "It's okay. I was trying to get some sleep. I worked nights."

Him: "Yeah, I figured something like that."

Me: "Man! I thought 'It's the police and someone has died!'"

He raised his voice, partly making light of the situation and partly releasing some energy, I think, and he said:

"Ya... Well it IS the police! And no, nobody died."

Part 2 is coming.

Privilege Is Invisible

Lots happened today, but the body is tired and the brain is saying "SLEEP!", so I'll just jot down the brief stuff that I don't have to think about.

A man came into the restaurant tonight. I said "hello", he said, "Hello, I'm so pleased to see you."

But the way he said it was... I dunno... weird or strange... not usual.

My intuition told me that there was going to be something important about the interaction with this elderly man. That sense that something was about to happen was so strong... I was curious.

The scene was like something you'd see in a movie where someone appears and turns out to be an angel in need of earning his wings, or an alien who'd come from a pod and snatched a human body. Of course, I only thought this stuff - wouldn't dare say something crazy like that out loud.

I wasn't the person taking orders, so I went back to doing my own work.

The woman who was taking orders - I'll call her Chitra (not her real name) - came to me and told me that the man specifically asked that I be the one to take his order. I thought that odd, but went to take his order.

Chitra is one of those people who is so sweet that even the grouchiest people are softened by her. Know her for five minutes and you can't help but like her.

The man started to give me his order, then told me that the reason he wanted me to take his order was that he could not understand Chitra and that she could not understand him. Still, it took me a minute to see what was really going on. Chitra does have an accent and does speak quietly, so I thought maybe the guy couldn't hear her or didn't want to bother trying to understand her. As he spoke, I waited to hear his accent. I was waiting to hear why it was that Chitra couldn't understand this man.... But he didn't have an accent or a speech impediment... Then I realized what was happening.

He wouldn't even let her put his order in the bag!

Why? Not because she's Indian, but because he is a racist.

I was furious.

I felt powerless.

I can't imagine how Chitra felt.

She was polite. I was just this side of civil. The other staff and customers stood there with their mouths hanging open. Nobody could believe what they were seeing and hearing.

At least half of our staff tonight would fit into the category of "visible minority". Except I don't see them that way. I see them as my co-workers; I see them as people I care about; I see them for the individuals they are and the colour of their skin or the shape of their eyes don't impact my feelings toward them any more than the colour of their hair or eyes.

I wanted to scream at that man. There were a lot of things I wanted to say to him. I wanted to throw him out of our store and tell him never to come back - but I did not have the power to do that.

I went to the manager and told her what happened. I could not hide my outrage by that point even if I'd wanted to. I asked her for permission to throw him out, to refuse to serve him if he came back. She said I could.

That guy better not come back.

I paced and thought about all of the things I wish I'd said.

I went to Chitra and, in front of everyone, said I was so sorry for what had happened and that it was all so wrong. I told her I was sorry I didn't throw the guy out.

You know what she said?! "It's okay, I'm use to it."

Use to it?! No one should ever have to get use to that crap! It shouldn't happen enough that anyone would become accustomed to it.

Yeah, yeah, I know these things happen all of the time. But the fact that it happens all the time is MORE reason to be upset and outraged and I just don't accept a "live with it 'cause that's the way it is" kind of attitude.

And I agree that perhaps it's easy for me to say that because I am white and I don't have to put up with that every day of my life like some people. Nobody crosses the street to avoid me because they think I'm going to rob them - based on my skin colour; Nobody leaves a room because they think I'm going to give them a disease - based on my skin colour. I know what sexism feels like; I don't know what it feels like in combination with racism and/or ableism, and/ or homophobia, etc.

Privilege is invisible.

A Letter and a Message

Well, I wrote that letter to management - very respectful but still letting them know that I need them to keep their promises re scheduling if I'm to be able to continue to do the shifts that they want. I handed the letter to the manager and she said, "What's this? Is it bad? Am I going to be upset?"

I said, "Well, I don't know how you're going to feel."

She said, "What is it about? What does it say?"

I explained it. She said that what happened shouldn't have happened that way. In as pleasant a tone as I could muster (without coming across as weak, either) I said I knew that, but that I couldn't have it happen again. She looked at her shoes and nodded.

Then she told me that the senior boss confirmed my promotion to management. There are some formalities that have to be done, such as a second interview with a corporate manager and a credit check. (Neither of those will be a problem for me.) But this will take several weeks because of illnesses and holidays.

I wondered if I should try to get that letter back, wondered if it would make the manager change her mind about the promotion. I decided that the facts are the facts and that the letter was very respectful, so I would let it stand and let the chips fall where they fall.

Later I saw her reading and re-reading the letter. Why is she reading it over and over? What's going through that head of hers? There's something more than just the letter that she's thinking about. I tiptoed away so she wouldn't see me seeing her.

Then she approached me about it. She confided in me that the reason we were kept so late those times was because the particular manager likes to stay late so she can get paid overtime. She said a number of other things about that manager, most of which had the ring of truth to them (but without actual evidence I'm not prepared to judge one way or the other). My response was to listen, and listen, and occasionally say, "I see". If this is about personality conflicts and politics, I'm not putting myself in the middle of it.

I understood then, why she was re-reading the letter. She wasn't thinking about my words so much as she was trying to decide on her words and how much she could confide in me. She didn't ask me to take a stand one way or another and I was glad for that.

Later, she told me "When you are manager you won't have to stay so late because you will do your job. When you are manager you just go ahead and let everyone go, and go ahead and leave at the right time."

She said a number of other things that started with "When you are manager..."

I'd say it looks pretty good. It means another $1.50 per hour. It means no more scrubbing public toilets. (which is probably good for the males in the public; I still haven't figured out a way to properly clean a urinal without actually touching it. haha! You should see some of the things I try! I bet a whole episode of a sitcom could be made based on that alone!)

****

What's-his-name left me a message. This guy must think I'm a dim-wit and he's a genius.

Does anyone remember the Scott Peterson trial? What's-his-name reminds me of Scott Peterson. His arrogance will be his undoing.

Anyway, the message included the line, "I understand if it's hard for you to talk to me...."

Ugh.

He meant to push a button and it worked - except it didn't work the way he wanted. This is where my training and experience with predators comes in handy. I'm going to tell you about this because it's something that I want my female friends to know about. This tactic is common yet not taught to women.

The tactic is for the predator/manipulator to toss out a very subtle insult or some other thing that he knows you are going to want to disprove. The prey naturally reacts in a way to somehow show that the statement or insult is not true or that she does not fit a stereotype. This is a normal reaction, but can have terrible consequences, depending on the goal of the manipulator.

Example: "Most women wouldn't help out a guy in need of _____" (then you give him a ride, walk somewhere with him and now you're isolated; "You're not the kind of person who would ______" (again, you give up something, give up a little control, get isolated) These are blatant examples. How obvious they appear to you depends on a number of factors.

In this case, what's-his-name is not trying to murder me, but the tactic is the same nonetheless. It's manipulation.

What's-his-name's primary message is NOT that he's being understanding; It's that I'm weak and would have a hard time talking to him. He knows that I wouldn't like to be perceived as weak. He knows that something that appears to be "understanding" or "compassionate" or "respectful" on his part will appeal to my personality. If I accused him of manipulating, he could claim that he was merely being understanding of my needs.

Nope - that's NOT what he's doing.

Here's what he wants: He wants me to say that it's not hard for me to talk to him, thereby giving him a sort of permission to continue calling and opening up two-way communication. He wants my attention and he wants to regain control over the interactions.

Here's what he got: An email from me (that I would be happy for anyone to see), stating that it is not hard for me to talk to him and not hard for me not to talk to him. I said I had no interest in hearing anything from him regardless of what he had to say because I cannot believe anything he says anyway. My attitude and tone were ho-hum-i-don't-feel-a-thing, have-a-nice-life.

Here's what I'm expecting will happen: An angry, indignant email (which I won't read but will get one of my staff to read, just in case), and then nothing. There's a slight chance he'll show up at my house to drop off some things I left at his house ages ago (it would be his way of making a statement).

Of course the other option for me would have been to continue to ignore him. That would have eventually worked, but this way will be quicker. If he had been a real stalker (he's not and a number of things indicate that he's not), my best bet would have been to completely ignore him (while having someone else track and analyze the communications).

So, if someone uses that tactic on you (salesmen actually use it a lot - maybe that's why I can't sell - I won't use the tactics), and the person is NOT a stalker, then you can respond but make sure that you don't give him the response HE wants; Give the response that's BEST FOR YOU.

If the person using such a tactic is a stalker - get professional advice from either a threat assessment professional (a real one) or someone highly skilled in forensic behavioural science (like the FBI "profilers").

Ahhhhh......

I only worked the one job yesterday. ahhh... a break.

I did plan to work at night on some stuff that I haven't had time to do, but never did get around to it. BUT I did do some housework and laundry. ahh.... clean (well, okay... not clean, but better at least). Put fresh sheets on my bed. That felt good.

My friend made me a big casserole dish full of meatballs and rice with sauce. I don't know what's in that sauce, but man, is it good! I took one bite and then gobbled up a big bowl full. Yummy! Grateful to my friend and grateful to God for the meal and for my friend.

Played with the dogs. Yay! That's important to me.

My son called, distraught and frightened. He said, "Mom, I've hit a hard, hard wall. I've been given an eviction notice and I don't have the money."

He went on to tell me how he has been waiting for an EI cheque that he was supposed to have received a month ago. He went right to the government office to check on it and make sure there wasn't something else he was supposed to do. The woman told him that everything was fine, he was all up to date and there would be no problem. Later he found out that everything was not fine, that someone made a mistake somewhere and information he'd submitted was lost. The cheque he'd been waiting for was never issued. By the time it takes to re-submit his information and get it through their process, another month will have gone by and it will be too late to avoid eviction.

It hurts so much not to be able to help my child. I can't even explain what that's like.

I thought about how he'd received prayer yet these things continue to happen. (oh... and the attitude of the EI staff re their error was "oh, well"! They don't care about the impact of their mistake on a human being's life.)

I thought back to the fall when I truly believed that things were going to turn around and then how it got worse instead of better.

Neat trick. If you really believe something and then it doesn't happen, it's very hard to believe again in the future.

I've decided to believe and pursue anyway. God is still good regardless of my circumstances.

Today my son told me that he's figured out a way to work enough to cover the rent arrears. He'll be behind for two months, but after that it should be okay if EI does what they're supposed to do. (He works a full time job and a part time job)

Last night the fresh sheets on the bed looked so inviting that I crawled in instead of working. I did some cross-stitch for a half an hour (yay - I've been working on this thing for my nephew since last summer), and rested. ahhh.... rest...

I slept in! Well, sort of... The dogs needed to go out at 7am. But I was still able to go back to bed afterwards and catch a few more z's.

Ahhh.... sleep!

Going to eat some more meatballs and get some laundry done before I have to go work at the restaurant.

Ahhh... meatballs and sauce... :)

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Nope

The night job people called me in early and kept me late. Supposed to get out at 1am but it was closer to 3am.

Had to push to get my break.

Worked again with a woman who criticizes everyone - she says she's "just helping". I don't believe it. Did my job, helped the manager, helped on everyone else's job. I actually don't mind; What I minded was sweating and working like mad while some others lollygagged. I minded having the wicked stepmother literally standing over my shoulder telling what to do and then telling me it was wrong (when I knew it wasn't).

I was sweeping the floor, which is the-wicked-stepmother's job anyway, and she was walking behind me inspecting, looking hard for anything I might have missed. If she has time to follow me around and criticize, why does she not have time to just sweep the floor herself? I thought it sad that this (criticism and bossing) is one of the few ways in her life that she can gain any sense of power. I also thought, "One more word out of her and I'm handing her this broom and walking away." (I'd been putting up with it all night) Of course she did it again. I chose to pray silently instead of causing a fuss.

The manager expected a ride home - which means an extra 30 minutes before I can go home to bed. (They all know I have to get up at 5 or 6 am). She didn't ask me - just expected it. I like her and don't mind doing such things for people. I don't even mind being inconvenienced or sacrificing for people. But I do mind when they do have other options and choose not to use them. I do mind when they don't bother to even ask me, yet expect a sacrifice.

Then I "snapped". This is my version of "snapping", anyway. I left. I left her standing in the parking lot with my co-workers. It's not that they should have to take care of it, either... I also knew they wouldn't leave her alone there, that they'd wait until her family member could come or a cab could come.

I felt guilty. It's not the fault of my co-workers. It's not their responsibility and I don't see why they should have to suffer. It's not fair to them. But so often I take on things that are not fair to me because I don't want to see someone else suffer something that's not fair to them, either. I have to remember that the reason my co-workers had to deal with this is not because I wouldn't give the ride - it's because the manager didn't take care of herself to begin with. If she had asked for a ride, she would have known the answer was no and could have made alternate arrangements earlier. (I also knew that her family member had just talked to her on the phone so would be available for her).

Still, I felt guilty and then I felt angry because I'd been put in that position, then I felt guilty for feeling angry. Screwy, I know.

Halfway home I realized someone had stolen some things from my coat pocket - nothing big, but they were my things and no one had any business going into my pockets.

I had been told by management that there is a theft problem so not to leave money in my pockets or bags. Why tell people to do that? Why not just solve the root problem? That's screwy too.

Didn't get to bed until 5am - but that's when I'm supposed to get up.

Decided I'm going to write to management and tell them I cannot work that late anymore. I'm afraid of that - concerned about the consequences.

Thought I'd sleep for an hour. Slept through the alarm and missed a meeting. My day is totally messed up.

Let someone down today because I missed that meeting. Upset with myself about that.

Went to make a coffee. The coffee maker is broken.

Wanted to throw it against the wall.

Nope - not gonna do that. No. I'm not quitting today.

Father, please please help me. Please turn this situation around.

Trust and a Decision

Feeling positive today. Still tired, but not dreadfully so. I didn't have to work last night. Wonder when I'll get a whole day off. Ever?

Thinking I should be where I am. I'm usually pretty focussed when I decide to be, but these last few months...

My boy showed up for prayer at the church yesterday! That meant so much to me. Now he's telling everyone about it; I have no idea what he's saying, though and he's not tellin' me. I don't want to push him lest I push him away. This is one of those times where I have to trust God. What harder thing to trust with than one's own child? But I do trust Him. So I'm stepping back and letting God take control.

Thinking about how I've been pretty much forced to do everything and anything besides what God has called me to do. It's like the enemy will throw anything in my path, dump anything on my head, to keep me from doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not even talking about minor distractions - I'm talking about survival.

So I've made a decision this morning. I'm writing it here and hoping that my friends will be brave enough to remind me I've said this if I seem to forget. The decision is that I'm going to continue to strive to do what God has called me to do - not that I've stopped, but I've been running around trying to stick my fingers in a broken dam so I don't drown and then giving whatever, if anything, I have left to pursue the main goal. Well, that's backwards in my opinion.

Yes, I know I have to survive. Some are going to call me crazy for what I'm about to do. I'm going to do what I can re the surviving and focus on the calling and let God take care of what I cannot do re surviving.

I'm not sure if it's the right decision.... If you're not surviving, how do you do anything else?

But I remember that scripture says that God clothes the flowers, so he'll clothe me. He knows every hair on my head. He has not forgotten me. No matter how bad I feel, I am not invisible to Him.

I think about this curse thing (or whatever it is/was) and it occurs to me that it has been God who has been holding me up all along; It is to Him and not hard work or other people that I owe my survival and my sanity. He has put people in my path who have helped me, who have inspired me, who have taught me, and who have loved me.

No matter what I or anyone can say about my rotten situation or the things that have happened in the past, no one, not even Satan himself, can take away the truth. The truth remains even if it is not believed. No one can take away the fact that God has indeed blessed me, even if my blessings are stolen, God still gave them to me in the first place. And, in the end God WILL win the ultimate battle, even if I win nothing.

In the end, God will have me and I will have Him. I know this because scripture says that nothing can snatch me from His hand!

In spite of the prayer I've been receiving, I still have the very strong sense (for about two years now) that the enemy is hearing every word I say and seeing everything I write. This concerns me and I don't know what to do about it.

Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I felt a sense of safety, like the enemy wasn't hearing me, like I had some emotional and spiritual privacy. That sense of safety lasted a couple of hours. Something is still dogging me. Your prayers would be appreciated.

I still hunt the wolf. I still follow God and He is my only God!

****

side note: What's-his-name only called once last night. I have to laugh... He thinks he is so smart but he betrays himself by what he does and what he doesn't do and at what times he does and doesn't do things (I'm thinking that might not have made sense to you). Because of what time he called and what times he wasn't calling and in consideration of his established patterns, I know exactly where he was and what he was doing last night. It also shows that once again he's underestimated my intelligence and over-estimated his own slithery abilities.

Today is Valentine's day. Bet if he calls at all, it will be at the end of the workday and not during the evening (he'll be busy with lil'-miss-high-school). Last message he left was that he wanted to hear my voice... pfffft! Ya, right, buddy! Not for the reasons a woman might like to believe.

Well, this is stupid.

So, I was down.

I decided to give up. Forget it. Quit. It's no use anyway.

Got up and went looking for a place to curl up and never move again.

Thought, "Well, this is stupid. Giving up because there's no point... yet giving up guarantees that there will be no good outcome."

Decided that, instead, I'd just have a pity party for a while.

Thought, "Well, this is stupid. What good is that going to do?"

Decided that I should try to do something useful but couldn't figure out what, since it seems like everything is pointless anyway.

Thought back to Sunday and how Pastor P had talked about having someone else speak scripture over another person.

No one here... but maybe I could speak scripture over myself?

What is that going to do? Why bother trying?

Well, it can't hurt me, right? Okay, I'll get up and grab my bible.

I don't want to move.

I don't think I CAN move.

Suddenly frightened. What's going on here? Why can I not get up and get my bible? Why does my body not listen? What the heck is this?!

I waited. I waited for God.

Then I got up without effort, got my bible... So what do I read?

Ephesians, the armour. I've already got it highlighted and can find it quickly.

My eyes scan...

I find this:

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible."

Is this not part of my calling? Yes, it is. I would dare to say that in some ways it is part of what we're all called to do.

hmmm...

I read some more, just scanning then reading, and read this:

"Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming."

ouch

One could look at the words "every wind of teaching" and take it as a concept that could include every wind of thought, cynicism, fear, and circumstance.

ouch

I am faithless and weak. I have to grow up.

I rested there, letting my mind wander. Soon enough ideas started to flow through my mind - which is what happens when things are "normal" for me.

Had a change of mindset and have now reclaimed what's left of my day.

don't know what to name this post

Just spent two hours trying to get on here. Computers can be very frustrating. I need it for work and this blog is one of the few ways I can communicate or vent.

Put nail polish on my ragged stubs, you know, those things that use to be fingernails. Gonna have to take it off, but I just wanted to feel semi-human at least for a little while. It felt good, but only for a few minutes.

What's-his-name called 5x yesterday. Thankfully, I was at work and didn't have to think about whether or not to answer the phone.

I note that I'm not a victim here. There are more options available to me than only whether or not to ignore him. I'm more aware of those options, and how many there really are, than most people. Dealing with it this way is a choice that I have made.

Felt positive last night. Got off work an hour early, but it took 40 minutes to get home because of the snowstorm. I was dreading shovelling snow, but got home to discover that someone had shovelled my sidewalk and the end of my driveway. I was very grateful for that.

Was looking forward (for a change) to today. My son is going to get prayer. I was invited to a meeting so that I could view a planning report and give an opinion and it's an opportunity to build relationship. I don't work the night job tonight so was looking forward to getting some housework done (this place is in a terrible state), and making scalloped potatoes (I enjoy cooking, so that's not work for me).

In spite of this, I'm feeling down, tired, hopeless and helpless. The re-finance thing seems to have been taken away from me - see.. I hope and then *poof* - whatever I hope for, whatever I'm glad for disappears. Feeling guilty because I'm so weak in my faith.

Begging God to help me.

Feeling like the enemy wants to take away my day - the one day I've been able to look forward to.

Overwhelmed.

What's the point? I can't do what I'm supposed to do because circumstances rip away my time and energy. Isn't God supposed to win? Isn't His will supposed to be done? He called me to do a job and I gave up everything to do it and this is what's happened. I've hung on and hung on - for what?

I'm back to feeling like the liars and cheaters, abusers, thieves and the hateful and selfish get everything they want, suffer no ill consequence, while those who work and try to hang on to God suffer the consequences foisted on them by the vile.

I'm not even allowed the fruits of my own labours, never mind anything more that God might want. It's not like I don't or wouldn't share, either. Why is everyone else entitled to the benefits my hard work, but I am not?

As I write, I'm getting the sense that God is still here. I don't even know what to say to Him.

It's not like I'm looking for any gifts here; I just want to be able to do my work and have people stop trying to squeeze me for everything they can get. I want the value of my work to be recognized - People don't even really know what I do. Mostly they don't want to think about it. They don't care until the wolf is at their door ready to rip them to shreds - THEN they suddenly want help and even then, they don't want to pay for it. They'd rather have cable tv and a nice car.

Fine! Go ahead. Watch your tv and drive your nice car. Will you think it was worth it when you are injured? What good is it if you are dead or if your life as you know it is gone? When you're sued because you didn't give a crap about your employee's safety and mental health, when the bottom line was more important than human beings, no one will feel sorry for you. Telling yourself "that won't happen here" won't prevent disaster. Sticking your head in the sand leaves your butt exposed; In order to really cover your butt you've got to stand up and face facts head on.

THAT's what I REALLY want to say to people.

There... I feel a little better.

Still wish I had time to do my real work, though. And I feel better for the moment, having vented a little, but it doesn't change the fact that people are paying lip service to goodness and living profitably from doing lousy things to other people.

Sniffing and Praying

What's-his-name knows I know about his lying and is now emailing and calling a lot. I know that if I read his emails that I will want to believe the things he says. I know that I'm vulnerable when it comes to him (I know why, too, but that's a whole other topic) in ways and to depths that I'm not vulnerable to anyone else. Therefore, it is important for me to protect myself. I just keep saying "God is my protection". If it's God's will for this situation to turn around, then it will happen; I don't have to stress and try to figure that out. God knows that He's gonna have to pretty much work a miracle (or two or three) and then bash me over the head to get me to believe that I'm to talk to what's-his-name.

And what is with guys and this game of come here-go away? ... Never mind... I know what that is.

Funny thing, though... as mad as I am and after everything he's done over the years, I caught myself praying for him today. What in the heck is that about?

Did a lot of heavy work tonight. My upper back, hands, wrists and shoulders feel like they're on fire. The feet hurt as usual. BUT that awful feeling, that awful I-swear-my-back-is-broken feeling isn't there. Not even a hint of it. I keep thinking about that feeling of the metal rod coming out of my back during that prayer time. I keep thinking about Pastor R praying for the balm of Gideon to be poured over me (I think that's what he said, anyway).

Forgot my lunch today so had to buy a burger. I was worried about how that would effect my tummy, but it was okay. Then they forgot to charge me for the burger and by the time I remembered and told them I hadn't paid, they said not to worry about it. So I got a free burger. Bonus!

Things have taken a negative turn re my refinancing. Prayers about that would be good.

If God gave me back everything the enemy has stolen from me, I wonder what that would look like. I wonder what I would/should do if that happens. I think maybe I shouldn't think about it because I might just get crushed yet again.

The dogs slept with me last night. I was thinking about that smell of fresh flowers and rain. I sniffed the air. You know... dogs don't care that somebody is sitting beside them when they pass wind!

Okay - no more sniffin' the air too hard when the furbabies are nearby.

Sniffed my deodorant to see if it smelled like flowers. Nope.

You all are gonna think I'm some sort of a nut, goin' around sniffin' things! haha!

Do you ever pray beneath your consciousness? I think I'm talking to God almost all of the time but am really not conscious of it. I know someone else who once told me that she knows that she prays in her sleep. I've woken up praying before, but I think that while I'm sleeping I'm just snoring or something.

Working both jobs tomorrow. Better try to go to sleep now.

Fresh Flowers and Rain

I had to rush home from church this morning to get my work uniform into the wash. While that was happening I thought I would try to take a brief nap.

Sleep is an interesting thing. We can get into debt - it really is called "sleep debt", but we can also catch up and we can even store up a little (not too much, or it's counter-productive, but I won't be having that problem any time soon). Going through long periods of time with too little sleep can seriously affect your mental and physical health in very real ways; It can even shorten your life. (Just a little info there for those of you who don't already know)

So I didn't have a long time to nap, but figured I'd try and at worst would at least rest my body. My tummy problems were really acting up, too, so I knew I had to do what I could to try to help myself. I lay down and immediately the brain starts going a mile a minute. I prayed. I just focused on God - not about Him, but to Him (did the way I said that make sense?).

I fell asleep. A short time later, I awoke feeling like I'd slept for a while. I was worried that my alarm hadn't gone off. I got up to check and found that I hadn't been sleeping for long at all. It was even amazing how I felt considering the small amount of rest I'd had. I thanked God for this.

I crawled back into my bed and pulled the covers over my head to try to block out the daylight. Under my covers it smelled strongly of fresh flowers and rain. That was odd because I haven't changed my sheets and even if I had, my laundry detergent smells nothing like that. Curious, I sniffed the sheets and bedding (my son would laugh like crazy if I told him that!). Nope. They don't smell like anything. I know it's not the soap or shampoo I use. What is that? hmmm... it's actually the air under the covers. Now why is that?

Then I fell back asleep.

Then something humorous happened. At one time I'd been trying to train Nita the dog to follow scent. I had been working starting a local search and rescue team and was going to train her with the Ontario Provincial Police. A lot of other things got in the way and I never did follow through with that.

Anyway, one of the things I use to do with her was to hide in the house, cover myself with a blanket or pillows or bags and she would come and find me. She would pull the blanket off of me and bark (alert) to announce she'd won the game. Well, now, when I pull the covers over my head, she thinks I'm playing the game! That means she keeps pulling the covers off and barking right by my ear. Tough to sleep during that! So she was doing that today. I had to laugh about that.

On the way to work I was thinking about today's church service. I wondered if the pastors got really tired the way they pray so fervently for so many people.

I thought about how grateful I am for Pastor P's honesty.

I thought about scripture she'd read from Malachi about justice, about evil being shown. I've been so frustrated by people getting ahead by lying and cheating and hurting people while innocent people try and try and seem to get nowhere. I've been crying for justice for a long time - not just for me, but for others too. I've been asking God to reveal what's-his-name's true character to people and to let him get caught up in his lies. I suppose that's a vengeful sort of prayer, but it's honest and if that's not what God wants to do, then He won't. I figure that whatever God does about it will be the best and wisest thing anyway. And I suppose I'm more exposed than others to situations where there is injustice because my work involves helping and protecting people. Anyway, hearing that scripture was timely and encouraging.

I prayed that God would reign, that God would reveal evil, and that God would take care of these things as He said He would.

I'm reminded of something that Pastor R said during prayer - He asked that God restore what the enemy has stolen from me. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that happened! I'm still afraid to hope, though.

Tonight I asked God to restore faith to our people.

Really tired... tummy troubles were really bad today, but at least I didn't have that terrible pain in my back; It's just normal kind of back pain.

It helped with the abdominal pain to put pressure on certain points, but I didn't want anyone to know how bad I was hurting, so I didn't want to be holding my hand on my abdomen. My solution was to lean up against the edge of a counter and use the counter to put the pressure on. The thing about that solution though, was that I had to stand in an odd position to get it to work. So I'm leaning on this counter in this strange position pretending like I was just relaxin' there and everything was okay. Wonder if anyone wondered why I was standing like that.

My sister emailed me today. I was glad for that. She said that all my hard work will pay off, but I don't agree. I don't think it will. I think if anything comes of all this it will be because God gives it.

Gotta work the day job tomorrow. I'm going to try not to think about that tonight on my way to sleep. I'm going to ask God to help me to get done what needs to get done and ask Him to take care of the stuff I miss. Maybe that will help me sleep?

That smell of fresh flowers and rain was really neat. Still don't know what it was about, though.

Is A Door Opening?

Brain's not working at the moment; neither are emotions - too tired

Just want to jot down some things so I remember for later.

- intense prayer session with both pastors on Friday

recognized that I know how to protect myself physically, emotionally (usually, somewhat anyway), mentally but have never paid attention to protecting myself spiritually. Because of what I do for a living I need to really pay attention to that.

Got a new "mantra" (for lack of a better word at the moment) - "God is my protection"

Pastor P said something related to scripture that was elucidating - She was praying about the armour of God (Ephesians 6) and mentioned that the breastplate of righteousness referred to God's righteousness and not ours. That was very helpful - means that I don't have to struggle with whether or not I'm "righteous" 'cause I know I can never be as righteous as God and I know that I only think I know about what is right (don't know if I'm making sense right now... haha). It's those kinds of struggles that keep me from fully accepting all that God offers me.

In the process of prayer and removing a curse, making sure that nothing bad is hanging around me (don't know how to explain that stuff), I got a physical sensation as if a metal rod was being pulled out of my back. Very weird stuff, but clearly felt that. I frequently feel so much pain in my back (in exactly the area where I felt that sensation of the rod coming out) that I would swear my back is broken. Last night at work, given what I was doing, I expected to feel that awful pain again. I felt (and feel) back pain, but it's nothing like the usual. It's more like one would normally expect to feel after physical work. hmmm...

Not as tired this morning as I expected. (Still very tired, but don't want to cry)

My pretending-to-be-athiest son wants the pastors to pray over him too! This is huge! Don't know where to begin on that.

After the prayer session, the mortgage broker called me and said that in spite of everything, the mortgage company is going to give me re-financing on my house so that I can consolidate debt and pay a lower interest rate. A few days ago this was impossible and suddenly it's possible.

Prospect called and asked for my resume and references.

The promotion at the restaurant seemed to have fallen through - but last night someone said they heard a rumour that it was back on the table.

Thinking about how I take my sense of responsibility too far. I think that's a good blog post for later... remind me if I forget.

Recognizing that even if I try everything, if God does not give me something it's not going to happen no matter what I do. You can plant and tend to a tree all you want, but if God doesn't want it to bear fruit, it won't. Gotta remember to write about reaping what you sow in relation to what I just said here and the concept of deserving what you get.

My friend made me another casserole - I can't even find the words for that.

Thinking about how I can reclaim my home. Wondering how I can reclaim it and still use it for God's good and/or His glory. (or maybe I've still got it wrong - maybe I should reclaim it and let Him decide how it will be used and/or how He will be glorified through it?)

Don't know what I'm feeling. Afraid to hope, afraid to believe, afraid to speak about hope and belief... But I'm still grateful for what's happened so far.

Deception

Yesterday and this morning have been spiritually intense. I don't even know where to begin, never mind actually write a post about it. It's still not all sorted out in my head and my soul. So I'll write about other stuff instead. One of the challenges of being on this earth is that no matter what's going on with the spiritual, there's still day to day life to contend with.

Last night I found out that what's-his-name took an email I'd written and showed it to a bunch of people - out of context, in the absence of other emails and accompanied by half-truths. I was upset. It was one thing to show the email around, but the thing that really bothered me was that he was lying. I'd rather be punched in the face than lied to. He knows that, though (not that it's stopped him from lying).

Of course he would say that he's not lying, rather merely refraining from telling the whole truth. It's one thing to refrain from telling people things because you are protecting your privacy, but it's quite another to refrain from telling them things knowing that the omission is very misleading and impacts other people. This is one reason why an oath to tell the truth in court includes the words "the whole truth and nothing but the truth".

Gotta go get ready to work a 12 hour shift at the restaurant. I'm tired already.

By the way, this post sounds like such a downer so I want to add that some positive stuff has been happening - just haven't had time to process it and write it down.

Chasing Rainbows

I got four hours sleep in a row! Yay!

No, it's not enough, but it's better than what I've been getting, so I'm happy about that.

I was thinking yesterday that I've done this before, so I can do it again. Mind you, I was a lot younger but back then I also had to take care my young son on my own. One time, after working a double shift as a waitress, I fell asleep - standing up! haha! I fell down, of course, but I was that tired.

What I'm doing now and how hard it is still beats quitting or failing to try. Failing to try is failure. Trying and falling short is not failure. It's okay to fall down, as long as you don't stay there.

During one aspect of my training a Lt. Col (who is now a friend and colleague - and I'm so blessed to be able to say that), was teaching us about what to do when we've been injured in combat, when we think we're taking our last breath. He yelled at us (imagine the voice and tone of drill sgts you've seen in the movies) "YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO DIE!!!"

Sometimes the sound of his booming voice shouting that sentence comes back to me. It helps me. It's true. God has not given me permission to quit or die. (I even asked Him when I caught what's-his-name sleeping around. The answer was a clear no).

When I was a little kid I use to chase rainbows. I didn't believe that you really couldn't get to one, so thought I'd try to prove it. I'd walk and walk and walk. You walk all the way to the horizon to see that the rainbow is still miles away. But the thing about that is that when you get to the first horizon, there's another one, and another one. There's still somewhere to go.

I never did walk far enough to stand in a rainbow (it always got dark before I could get there and the rainbow would disappear). But one day I was sitting in school and the sunlight was shining through the windows into the classroom. I looked down and there, right on my desk, the light had hit in such a way as to produce the colours of the rainbow. There it was; a rainbow right on my desk. I stuck my hand in it and saw the colours of the rainbow on my skin. A rainbow had come to me. You CAN get to the end of a rainbow.

Zig Ziglar says, "Go as far as you can see, and once you get there, you can always see further."

I don't see an end in sight here. I don't see a solution. I don't see the things which I hope for. I don't even see signs of what God has promised. But I know that I can touch a rainbow and that it can happen when I least expect it.

That Entitlement Thing

Did the definition of the right thing change while I was sleeping somewhere? Is responsibility a thing of the past? Am I by myself in the way I think?

I figured out that, to pay for the damage done to my home, I will have to work for approximately 500 weeks.

umm.. I think that's a good chunk of time there. I think that by the time I get this paid for it will be time to pay for new repairs.

Anyway, the same woman (who really is a nice person, really she is) asked me why I didn't simply ask one of my lawyer friends for the money (a lot of people think that lawyer means rich and that is not so). I didn't answer her at first because I had to actually process that question. The concept of going to a friend and asking for thousands of dollars is beyond where my brain goes.

Finally, I gave my thoughtful and exceptionally articulate response which was, "Huh?"

She said it again. I told her that besides the fact that I wouldn't dream of doing that, even if I could bring myself to do such a thing I can't in this circumstance anyway. If I can't pay a credit card company, what on earth would make me think I could repay a friend? No. That's not an option.

It turns out she wasn't suggesting that I ask for a loan; She was suggesting that I ask for a gift. That boggles my mind. To her, that was a perfectly normal, reasonable and real option.

I've seen people who complain so that people will give them things that they're afraid to ask for. That, too, is foreign to me. Oh, it's not like I don't complain - You KNOW I do! But the reason for complaining, the motive, is very different.

So this woman, and others, think that if you want something that somebody should just give it to you.

So did I just step off the mother ship or what? Not only do I not "get" it, I don't like it. So why did that annoy me so much? Maybe because I'm one of the ones who often pays for the irresponsibility of others. I'll have to think about that so that I can discover why it bugs me instead of simply blindly judging her and others like her.

Oh, and my answer to her: My friends do not owe me. My friends are not responsible for me; I'm responsible for me. That's why I'm not going to be asking anyone for thousands of dollars worked for and earned by someone else.

I had a similar conversation with my brother many years ago. It was frustrating because he thought I was being stupid when I told him that just because someone has something and you don't, does NOT somehow make you entitled to it!

I'll work the 500 weeks and have no problem holding my head up, thank you very much.

Okay... there's my mini-rant. Thanks for listening and comments are welcome.

Awake!

What gives?

I stumbled through the day exhausted. I spent over two hours trying to get some information to a prospect. It should have been a simple matter, but my computer didn't seem to think so. I never did get him the information. I have to deliver it in person tomorrow. I also have a meeting in the morning.

What's-his-name (the once love-of-my-life turned devil incarnate) has been calling and now emailing. So it brings up all of the pain I haven't had time to deal with. Yes, I've told him to take a hike and am ignoring him, but it still brought everything to the surface. Just recently that other fellow has slowed down on trying to get my attention and I thought I was getting a break.

Well, it's too bad. Anyone who wants to bug me is just going to have to wait indefinitely for a response. I just don't have the time or energy.

So for the first time in a while, I'm not working at night tonight. This is my chance to get some much needed sleeeeeep!

Nope.

I'm exhausted mentally and physically, so what gives?

Normally I would just get up and do something productive, but I know my body needs this sleep.

Maybe it's the hurry-up-and-get-to-sleep so I can hurry up and get everything done thinking? There's a part of me that wants to stay up and do something that I like, to have time for myself. But I'm too tired to actually do anything anyway.

I think a lot of us, if not all of us, have been here at some point or another.

Still, this beats scrubbing out fryers.