The Giant Bird

If you read my last post, this one will make more sense.... at least I think it makes sense. :)

I dreamt that I opened the back door to let the dog out and was startled to see a giant bird standing at the door. It was the same bird that was killed yesterday. I felt a little afraid, but mostly sad and sorry for this giant bird at my door. The giant bird was carrying a suitcase.

The bird said, "I've come to stay."

I said, "Okay." But then I thought I shouldn't, so I said, "I'm sorry. You can't stay."

The bird stood there with his suitcase, expectantly waiting for me to let him in and give him permission to stay.

I said, "I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I feel terrible, but that does not mean you can move in here. You have to go where you belong now."

Then the bird went away.


When I awoke, I realized that I was not mad at the puppy at all; I was mad at me. I was upset with myself for not watching the puppy closely enough, for not paying attention to the warning squawks of the birds earlier, and for not being able to help or comfort the dying creature. I had projected that onto the puppy. It's not that I couldn't look at the puppy; It's that I couldn't look at myself.

The size of the bird in the dream was about my sadness over many things and the bird represents those things. Lately I've been stuffing a lot of feelings down in order to get through my days. I cannot afford the time to cry.

The bird wanted to move in. I had to tell him that he could not. That was a life decision, a cognitive processing decision, a spiritual decision and it was sad to tell the bird to go away. Still it was the right thing to do.

Okay... I'm probably making no sense to anyone, but it does make sense to me at least. :)

The Bird

For the first time ever, I'm actually upset with the puppy.

These dogs have gotten into things, wrecked things, and created all sorts of chaos and some interesting situations.

When one of the dogs ate my $200 shoes that I hadn't even had a chance to wear once, I was briefly upset - I mean very brief, like a few minutes.

When they get into things and I have to clean it up, I'm upset for only seconds if I get upset at all. Mostly I just laugh at them.

Today I heard birds outside going crazy. I know it's a little odd, but I can recognize some of the different messages that the birds are conveying. No, no, not like Doctor Doolittle and nothing complex, but there's a kind of chirp they do when they're calling to a mate, a chirp that means the sun is setting soon and everyone flies back to their homes (I think that's where they're going, anyway), and a chirp that signals danger to other birds. The squirrels also send out a danger signal and the birds seem to pay attention to that, too.

Anyway, I heard that frantic chirping that signals danger. I looked outside and saw the puppy sniffing at something. There were birds swooping about around the puppy. I knew that the puppy was close to a baby or an egg.

As fast as I could, I ran outside. I saw a spot of red in the grass.

No, oh, no.

Then I saw it. A bloodied bird.

I felt horrible.

I put the dog in the house and went to see if the bird was alive or dead. It was alive. I didn't touch it. I went back into the house and waited because the other birds were still swooping around.

The bird wasn't getting up, so I thought I'd go see if I could help it. We've nursed birds back to health before - even ones where we were told there was no hope.

There was no way. It was really bad.

He was alive and alert despite the mortal injury. I thought I should euthanize him, but I didn't know how I would do it in a way that would be painless.

I wanted to hold him so he wouldn't be alone as he died, but that would scare him rather than comfort him. So I partially covered him to keep him warm (at least he wouldn't die feeling cold on top of everything, right?) Then I left him alone.

The birds around squawked for a long time.

I really was upset. I even cried.

Yeah, I know it's dumb to cry for a bird.

I thought about how God says not even a sparrow will fall without His permission. (Is it without His permission or just without His knowledge?) I was thinking that if I'm feeling a kind of love and a sense of sadness for this bird, God must feel something too because He loves the birds too, I think.

So the best I could do was pray for the bird and tell myself that God really would take care of it.


I look at the puppy and all I see is what she did to that bird. I know that animals do these things. I know it's natural. Still, I'm upset. So how crazy is that!

Snippets

Psycho-guy quit work. He's gone into hiding because some bad drug-dealing dudes are after him. Rough stuff for him, but the fact that he quit is good news for a lot of other people.

The Wayward Manager is doing her best to make my time at work miserable. Sometimes it works, but mostly it doesn't.

God and the dogs and cats are keeping me sane.

I got my raise, which is good. But here's the rub - I'm still in exactly the same financial position I was in when I started this except now I'm working two jobs instead of one. The difference is that I don't have people in my house, which is good, but I don't have that income.

Requesting prayer: I want to apply for a different job. The process is onerous and the chance slim that I'll get it, but it would solve a lot of issues and I do think that prayer works and that what I'm going for is in line with what God wants from me.

Doctor's visit: The doc says my knee is healing okay. Another 4 weeks before it will feel better, but at least it's coming along. Also, I found out that I'm not getting nearly enough calcium. I was quite surprised at how short my diet falls.

Outside: I so enjoy being outside in the warm weather, even if I can only be out for short periods of time.

I managed to plant some beans. Normally, I would dig up the whole garden one day, prepare the soil the next day and then plant on the third day. The thing is I don't have a whole day. I haven't had a day off since... February? Anyway, I dug up and prepared a small section of garden and planted 8 bean plants. Hopefully I'll get time to plant some other things soon.

Was attacked by a raspberry plant. I survived the adventure and was reminded of it again at bedtime. Every time I laid my head down, it hurt. I kept looking at the pillow to see what in the heck was on it that was hurting my head.

Nothing.

Figured out that I had raspberry burrs in my hair.

Maybe that's why my mother made me brush my hair before bed. I never understood that... why brush your hair before bed? It's like putting on lipstick before bed. *shrug* Oh, well. :)

Too tired to think...

I should try to get some sleep. I have a meeting with a new client for the day job tomorrow and have to work at the night job as well. Then I might have court Thursday morning, then the night job... you know how it goes.

I have to change something but I don't know what and I don't know if I'd know how.

I Don't Dance

The Wayward Manager gave me a hard time again all night tonight. It's become obvious that she feels threatened and wants to push me out. The only threat to her is herself.

One of the big bosses came to me to ask me a question. It wasn't a big deal. I answered the question and went back to what I was doing. The Wayward Manager pulled me aside and demanded to know what he'd asked me and what I'd said, word for word. Then she wanted to know if I was sure that's all he'd asked and that was all I'd said.

I wanted to tell her the sky was falling. Sheesh.

Another manager pulled me aside and told me that she is saying good things to the boss about me. She wants me to team up with her to help push the Wayward Manager out of there.

I just listened.

I'm not about to get into pushing anyone anywhere. Of course I won't be quiet if I see abuses or crime, but I'm not going to play games.

Yeah, yeah, I know... I know there's a dance, I know one should know how to do the dance, blah, blah...

My answer is this: I don't dance.

Even For Me?

Tonight I had a cheeseburger loaded with vegetables (okay... and a few slices of bacon... mmmmm), a salad and an iced tea. Really I should have milk, but something about drinking milk with eating beef makes my stomach upset. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. :)

Psycho guy had a bit of a blow up. He has mini blow-ups all of the time, but this one was a little worse. This time he started yelling and swearing at a manager.

The Wayward Manager gave me a rough time tonight. I just shrugged it off, though. Really it's about her, not about me, so there's no point in getting upset and playing into her drama.

There is going to be an investigation. Apparently the Wayward Manager lost a significant amount of money. This is an example of why she should have been following procedure. It's a big deal.

There was a discussion tonight about security. I made it quite clear to the staff that I would not be budging off of protocol when it comes to security and, that no matter who argued with me or how much they hated me, I wasn't going to allow their safety to be compromised on my watch.

I expected the usual grumbling and excuse-making, but that didn't happen. Most of them just got quiet. A couple of them came to me and confided that they did not feel safe and were glad that I was interested in looking after their safety.

Someone commented that I could lose my job as manager if one of the staff got hurt. I told them that losing my job would be the last thing on my mind and that I would feel horrible if anything happened to any one of them.

One young fellow came to me and said, "For real you would feel bad?"

me: "Yes! Absolutely!"

him: "Even if it was me... even for me?"

Suddenly this young man who towered over me was a small and vulnerable little boy.

I looked straight into his eyes and said, "Yes, if it was you. Yes, for you."

I wanted to pick him up and hug him. Of course, I didn't because that would be inappropriate, not to mention totally creep him out. Besides, I don't think I could've lifted him anyway.

Funny... In my mind, heart and soul, that I would feel for someone who suffered (especially someone for whom I was responsible), is a given, obvious. For this young man it wasn't a given that I'd feel for him specifically. A lot of us do that with Jesus.

Even for me, Lord?

Yes, for you.