Enough

I quit the night job. I still have to work both jobs for the next two weeks.

I've learned that my limit for severe sleep deprivation, overwork and loneliness is seven months.

Now I'm worse off than when I started and I'm not well on top of it.

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Dread

Picked up a new case last night.  This is a huge opportunity and may well be the breakthrough I need.

But it requires time and a lot of my energy.

I'm happy to give that.  I don't know how much I have to give, though because this night job is sucking the life out of me.  Not to mention the lack of time.

I want to cry.

Every single day, I dread going in to the night job.  I'm tired from the day job and know I still have to go put in another full workday at a place I hate doing a job I despise, every day feeling the negative effects on my physical and mental health.

I can't go to church.  I can't see my family.  I have trouble making plans to do anything with anybody, so people just stop bothering to try - and I completely understand (I've stopped trying, too, for the most part).  My house is a mess, and I still can't pay the bills.

What's the point?

I want so much to simply not show up tonight.  To heck with them.

The problem is that the "them" are real human beings who would have a really tough time if I didn't show up.  I can't do it to them.

But I'm getting to my breaking point.

I just cannot keep on like this.

God, please lift me out of this mess.  I can't do any more.  My body cannot take anymore.

I need out of that night job and I need clients who can and do pay for the services provided them.

Prayers would be appreciated.

Wave Jumping....

.... and I need a babysitter


Had an errand to run near Simcoe Ont. today.  The only way I know to get there is to drive near the water (Lake Erie).

I love the water.

I love the beach.

Even looking at it makes me feel happy.

Okay, so I have this errand to run and it's very very hot, but at least I get to look at the lake.

Well.

I saw the lake and HAD to go down there.

When I got there I HAD to park the car and walk to the water.

Well...

I got so excited I HAD to go into the water.

It was warm and the waves were high.

In the trunk of my car I carry beach supplies for just such an occasion.  Now I know you're thinking it's really that I never clean my car and the supplies are there from the last trip to the beach... :)  I ran back to the car and got my little floaty thing.  I think it's called a swimming board or a flutter board, but I call it a floaty thing.

I digress.

Back into the water.  Oh yeah!

Gotta jump over each wave.

Gotta see how far out you can go and still touch bottom.

Gotta relish every sight, sound, smell and sensation.

Gotta run toward the next wave.

Woohoo!  I'm a fish!

no, wait... I'm a turtle!

no... I'm a frog!

no.... I'm not even doggie paddling here.

You see, I love the water but I can't swim.

Okay, so I'm no fish but I'm in the water at the beach!  Yaaaaaay!

I was grinning and laughing like a little kid.  

Jumping over and into waves, playing in the water.

A grown woman all by herself.

But who cares!  I'm at the BEACH, man!  Yes!

Paddle out to the next wave, and the next.

Oooh... here comes a big one ... haha!

I can't touch bottom any more, but it's okay 'cause I have my floaty thing.

Suddenly I notice it's quiet except for the waves.

I look around.

I'm waaay out there.  The people are far away.  I've gone past the boardwalk and the lighthouse.  There's a commercial fishing boat within paddling distance.

oops.

There would be big fish out here.

Would they bite me?

Naw.

Heyyyy.... I'm swimmin' with the big fish.

Okay, better go back.

Hey... wonder how long it would take to get to shore if I didn't paddle or kick?  Where would the waves take me?

I got back to shore only to turn around and do it again (only this time I didn't go so far out)

and again

and my fingers and toes went all wrinkly like prunes

and there is sand everywhere

and I got a bit of a burn (after I recently told someone I don't burn -ha!)

and I scraped my leg on the bottom of the lake  (decided to try to jump UNDER the waves for a while to see what would happen)

I bought a hotdog, which was stupidly expensive - but I did buy it.

And it was all wonderful.



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Outside

Didn't get to go out and play today.

But I'm going to try tomorrow.

I like outside.

In honour of going outside, here's a little video from Mr. Pregnant about going outside:

Inside

Having trouble staying inside the office.

I want to go out and play.

4am

4am

so tired

gotta get up soon

endless work-weeks

doing everything i can think of

why does it work for other people but not me?

Jumpy and Mad

Was stressed today.

The events of last night and the things he said kept going through my mind.  I was jumpy.  I was upset, angry, nervous.

He said he thought it was unfair that I'd asked the police to tell him to go away.  I told him it's because he wasn't listening to me tell him.

He argued that by saying I wasn't telling him the truth about my feelings, that I wasn't being clear enough.

Last night I didn't argue because he was tense and I know he could have killed me very quickly or hurt me very badly had he decided to do so.  I wasn't going to get into a pissing contest with a control freak who doesn't want to understand anyway.

So I kept thinking about that and I'm angry that he could have the gall to say that like he believes it.  My "no" started out as a polite, gentle one, then got more firm, then became absolute and strong before I ever called the police.

Okay, okay... maybe this guy with two degrees who is senior management in government is too stupid to figure out that "leave me alone", "stop calling me", "stop driving by here", "you are scaring me", "I don't want to talk to you", and "stay the f**k away from me you f**king freak!" means that maybe I don't really want to talk to him.

But when the police come to his door and tell him he'll be charged if he keeps it up....  well, shouldn't that be a clue right there?

Or how about when, after he continued and he was arrested, and immediately upon getting released with bail conditions, he shows up at my best friend's house - and my friend tells him to stop.  That's a clue, right?

Or when his boss, his friend, his sister and a therapist all told him to stay away from me (he repeatedly called anyway) - isn't that "no"?

But it's all my fault.  I wasn't clear enough.  None of those things are clear enough.

Oh, and the only reason he came pounding on my door one of the times I called 911 was because he'd heard I was seeing someone else and he was just coming to tell me that he would leave me alone.

I suppose he was so eager to reassure me that it's the reason he had to pound the crap outta my door and try the handle in the middle of the night.

And it really was all innocent - so that's why he ran when the police sirens got close - 'cause he was doing nothing wrong.

So my "no" wasn't good enough on it's own?  It's only when some other male owns me that "no" means anything?  Oopps... yeah - I forgot.  I'm not a human being.

Oh, I'm spittin' mad.

Conversation With A Stalker

As you know, a particular man has been stalking me for six years.  I've worked hard to keep myself safe.  The courts failed me - actually made matters worse - so I've had to rely on myself.

I went to great lengths to change the appearance of the house so it looked like someone other than me was living here.

I stopped going to all of my favorite places.

I've developed the habit of peeking out the window before I leave the house, to make sure he's not out there watching.

I shred all documents and am very careful about what goes in my garbage.

I stopped sitting out on the porch at night which is something I use to enjoy.

I stopped rollerblading and jogging.

I cut off contact with a whole lot of people.

I've got my windows frosted so no one can see in.  

I do not use my living room or dining room after dark.

The list goes on and on.

Tonight I let my guard down.

I was out front working on the lawn.

Guess who showed up.

Yep.  

The stalker.

Scared me half out of my wits.

Luckily for me my training kicked in at about the same time my adrenaline shot through my body, making it hard to think or even breathe.

He approached me and said hello.

It's amazing how fast your brain can scan and size up a whole lot of information.

I believed he was not there for me - not there to kill me.

I did something I would never recommend to anyone else, but because I was able to size up the situation myself, I said hello back.

He started talking to me.  He was being polite, cautiously friendly.

You know, when the body kicks into high gear and you've got all those chemicals surging through you, your heart rate is up, your blood racing to your major muscle groups, and all the other physiological things that occur to help you survive, but you don't do anything with it, don't run, don't fight... and that stuff has nowhere to go, it actually hurts.

I had a conversation with him.

He still doesn't understand what the big problem is, why I had to call the police on him so many times....

But he's decided not to kill me.

Time will tell if this incident was a good thing or a bad thing.

If something happens to me, if I have an accident, go missing, end up dead, somebody please show the police this post.  They already have his name and the history on file.

Not Asking For Happiness

By the end of the day workday (before I started the night job) I was feeling pretty tired and had had enough of people.  I recognized that I was feeling crusty enough that any flaws I saw in others would be magnified - by my own mind.  Not fair to others, so I thought I'd pray about it.

Funny, though... I didn't ask God to change my mood.  I didn't ask for extra energy or less fatigue.  I didn't ask for happiness.

It didn't occur to me to ask for those things.

I asked that He would allow me to see people through His eyes.

I do believe He gave me what I asked for.

Immediately, every person I saw became a real individual - not a nameless face driving a car or grumbling to themselves or whatever.  It wasn't like I could read their minds or anything... but like I could see through.

Then there was something else... something further, deeper.

And there was feeling accompanying this... I don't know how to describe it.

And what I saw wasn't necessarily good, either.

It was very powerful.  God has done this for me before.

My mood changed.  We all know that happens when we're not focussed on only ourselves.

And tonight there was a breakthrough with the Wayward Manager.  I give all the credit to God.