No Time For Navel-Gazin'

I prepared my statement re the cash issues. I did all the background work to do what I could to ensure that innocent bystanders were protected from being unfairly drawn in or blamed. My statement and accompanying letter is such that it would hold up in a court.

When it comes to doing these sorts of things there are always concerns about being in trouble oneself for coming forward, you know, the shoot the messenger thing. There are concerns about being viewed or labelled as a trouble-maker or whiner. I've seen plenty of cases where a person who tells about wrongdoing ends up unemployed or harassed. Just like everyone else, all of those things crossed my mind. But I know that I know that I'm doing the right thing.

Funny thing about knowing what the right thing to do is..... once you know what it is, it's pretty much impossible NOT to do it.

Besides that, other people are going through so much right now that this is no time for me to be navel-gazing and pondering. I know who I am and I know what needs to be done. This is one of those times when one takes action (appropriately, of course).

I will be seeing the senior boss in person tomorrow.

Something else happened related to that. Last night, Chitra (remember - she's the one who faced that racist), was going to quit! That's a shocker.

The reason why? This same manager who is messing with the cash and who wants the rides home.

Because the cash was wrong so many times on Chitra's register, she is concerned that people will think that she is doing something wrong. I found out tonight that Chitra has been replacing shortfalls in the cash with money out of her own pocket.

That's not the only reason for her desire to quit, though. This manager treats Chitra like a servant, like less than a servant. She bullies and bosses and is very rude. Chitra always smiles and does what she's told, but inside she hurts. She's too nice to talk back.

I learned of this and approached Chitra and, without saying I knew anything, just mentioned to her that not only do I think she's a wonderful employee, but that everyone else knows it, too.

She burst into tears.

This is a strong, sweet, loving woman who never seems to get flustered. And here she was melting into a puddle before my eyes.

She let it all out. She told me everything (I already knew, but she thought no one knew). She begged me not to tell anyone how she was reacting.

I WANT to tell! I want to tell the senior boss how one of our very best employees has been abased and hurt so much. I want it to stop!

But I promised Chitra, so I won't tell. BUT I will do enough and tell enough to make sure that the senior boss finds out what's happening.

And I didn't tell Chitra this, but I told myself, and now you, that when that manager is working and Chitra is also working, I will be getting in the way. I will ensure that I put myself between Chitra and that manager and be as much of a buffer and protector as I can. You know... I don't think I'm capable of NOT doing that.

After Chitra and I talked, she came to me and threw her arms around me like a wounded child throws herself at her mother (Chitra is about 60 years old, by the way).

The other person who is suffering today is my male tenant. He's 24 years old and works hard for his minimum wage. His brother is the psychopath. His mother is a bit of a character and she self-medicates with alcohol, but she and this boy love each other dearly. There have been times in the past when this boy has worked to support his mom.

She is getting thrown out of where she lives. The reason - the psychopath son who keeps manipulating his way into "crashing" at her place when he's not supposed to be there.

Also, she has just been diagnosed with severe clinical depression. She's been on a couple of different medications with poor results. She's in no shape to work.

The boy (my tenant) came to me today. He was unusually nervous. He told me the whole story. Understand that this boy doesn't tell anyone anything. He's not a talker. He told me he doesn't know how long he can live here because he may have to take care of his mom. He likely won't be able to give me proper notice. That sucks big time for me because I need that notice and the income, but again, it's no time to be thinking about how it impacts me.

You know what he said? He said that he thinks that the reason his mother is depressed is partly because of his brother, but partly because of him because he didn't finish school and that disappointed her.

Hearing that made me want to cry.

I told him that it's true that circumstances can start someone down a road to depression, but that there are actual chemical changes that take place in the brain. I told him that he cannot fix what has happened to his mom and that it is not his fault she is suffering this. I don't think that really sunk in.

I pointed out to him that once again the responsibility fell on his shoulders alone to take care of everything. That seemed to hit a nerve with him, but he recovered enough to shrug his shoulders and pretend like it was all okay.

I wanted to hug him, but if I'd done that, I think he'd have fainted.

Thoughts of bringing the mother here are going through my head. I don't know if that's such a good idea.... but my heart wants so much to help these people.

If you can, if you can remember, when you pray, would you say a prayer for these people? For the woman I call Chitra, for this wayward manager, for the senior boss who has to deal with this, for my male tenant and his mom and even the psychopath brother.

I know that's a lot to ask. I will be praying for these people.

And God, thank you for showing me the way out of my negative and miserable attitude in time.

Acceptance

What's happened to me? What have I allowed? How did I get so lost?

I never use to be so grouchy, so miserable.

Yes, I've always had rough edges to me, but wasn't harsh to people unnecessarily, was not snippy or petty.

I always accepted my circumstance and rose above it. Yes, I've had to fight and claw and suffer, but mentally I was always beyond it all. But that hasn't been the case for many weeks now.

I get annoyed - easily.

I raise my voice.

I fail to show compassion.

This has never been me, yet it must be a part of me because this is what I'm doing.

If I want to be dishonest with myself, I could say that it's because of my circumstance, because of sleep deprivation, because I'm sick and tired of being walked on. But that would only be a small part of the truth.

I've been in some horrific situations - far worse than this - yet did not develop a bad attitude. I never stopped being grateful. I never doubted my faith. People even thought I was weird because of it. So it's not just this situation. And I started down this road a long time ago.

I think part of it is a kind of pendulum swing, so to speak. Several years ago I failed God, myself, and an innocent life. Concurrent to that I also became terribly ill. I was so ashamed of my failure and my weakness that I could not even utter God's name. I didn't deserve to speak of Him, never mind speak to Him. I wouldn't dare cry to Him for help. Like Adam and Eve, I tried to hide myself from Him because I was so profoundly ashamed.

It's not that shame was anything new to me. I grew up being ashamed for everything, including being alive.

My sister was the instrument God used to get me back to Him. That is a whole other wonderful and miraculous story.

When I finally did dare to utter God's name, not because I was asking for help, but simply because I wanted to acknowledge Him, my physical healing progressed quickly (the prognosis was that I would never heal - but I was on my feet within months and completely healed within 5 years). The suffering over the loss of my child continues. It cuts as sharp today as it did on the day he died.

God went on to show me amazing things. He revealed to me my life's purpose and the reasons why I suffered all that I had. That's huge. There are people in this world who never find that, yet God just handed it to me one day.

I was obedient.

I have spent these last number of years trying to atone, trying to catch up, trying to undo that which cannot be undone. I have studied the Bible, talked to people, read Christian books, thought, and prayed. I wanted to be as good a person as I could. I wanted (and want to) be as good a daughter to Him as I possibly can.

Yes, I have learned some things. But I've messed up more than I've succeeded.

He told me to do the work that I do. So I did and have been. The fact remained that I still lived in this world and had to figure out how to start and run a business. So I asked people who supposedly knew what they were doing.

That was a mistake. I followed the wisdom of men right into big debt and a brick wall. The brick wall was that there are things that one is "supposed" to do in business that I simply cannot do if I'm to have integrity, if I'm to be able to say that this is God's work.

So I decided to listen to the wisdom of the Christian religion and Christian people.

That was a mistake. I ran around in circles, in confusion and I got very hurt. I think the Christian religion (or any religion for that matter) is still the wisdom of men. The wisdom of Christianity and the wisdom of Christ are two different things.

I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out because I see how, in spite of everything, God has continued to hold me up. No, I have not prospered, but neither have I perished.

I like to talk about God. I like to learn about Him. I want more than to know His ways; I want to understand. There's something in the understanding that words are not sufficient for. There's a thing, a knowing deep down inside of an inarticulatable truth. (yeah, yeah, I just made up the word "inarticulatable" - but hey, it works)

It is there where I must go once again.

The fight is as much internal as external - perhaps more so.

I AM good - not in the way that God is good, but good enough. I can stop trying now and just start being.

The Holy Spirit is in me. By trying too hard I actually cover Him up, I unwittingly cover that Light.

I must be good enough. It's not that I accepted Him, but that He accepted me that makes it so.

The Kitchen

I went downstairs and found water all over the kitchen floor.

I looked for the source of the water.

I found towels and mats on the floor, all sopping wet. Clearly, at least one of the tenants knew about this water but failed to tell me about it.

Did no one learn from the bathroom fiasco? Or is it that nobody cares because they don't have to pay for the consequences?

The water is from the downstairs fridge. Someone decided to defrost the freezer but failed to stick around to drain it or clean up.

I picked up the sopping towels. The floor tiles came up with the towels. The wood underneath the tiles was saturated so much so that it is buckled and pieces of it are crumbling apart like wet cardboard.

This water has obviously been there for some time.

A large area of floor is affected.

I started to try to clean it.

I could barely move because of all the crap crammed in there.

I sat on the floor and cried.

Why?

I'm doing everything I possibly can to claw myself out of this hole but all the while somebody keeps dumping more dirt on my head.

Chaos

Tonight I didn't have to work the night job. I was looking forward to getting a whole night's sleep. I got ready for bed, went to bed, was drifting off...

and there's chaos in my house.

I'm already stressed out because my stalker was at my house tonight (the really dangerous one; the one whose been stalking me for six years now). He is unusually agitated. I'm hyper-aware of every bump or noise. Every time the dogs bark or there is a loud noise in the house, I'm jumping out of my skin.

So I'm actually falling asleep in spite of everything and I hear booming, then banging, then screaming.

I leap from my bed.

Then I hear raucous laughter.

I go back to bed but the racket continues.

I know I'm not the only one trying to sleep. It's after 11pm and I know that my female tenant is downstairs trying to sleep. She also has to get up early for work.

I went downstairs and, in a raised voice that wasn't quite yelling, I said, "It's eleven o'clock on a worknight. What is going on?! Who is screaming?"

Guess who was screaming. .... There was a child in my house. If I had known that, I wouldn't have spoken in that tone. It was the child who was screaming.

Guess whose child it was.... It was the child of one of the managers at my night job. She was here, too. (She's having an affair with the male tenant downstairs)

Great.

She started apologizing and was making like she was going to leave. I told her she could stay but that they had to be quiet enough that people could sleep.

I turn around and guess who else was there... oh it was a regular flippin' reunion... The brother of my male tenant, who in the past tried to rent from me and I refused him because he was heavy into drugs and other criminal activity and had been kicked out of place after place. After I refused him, he called me repeatedly and tried every angle and every scam he could to convince me to change my mind.

Last week, my male tenant announced to me (at midnight, while I was at work) that his brother was staying the night because he had no other place to go. I didn't really have a choice there unless I wanted to throw the guy out at 3am when I got home. I was not impressed. I told the tenant one night and that was it.

The next day, the guy tried to con and cajole me into letting him stay again. I said no.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm a sucker for a sob story, but let me tell ya', this one is no sob story. This guy is homeless because he victimizes people wherever he goes. He's a fire-setter, scammer, druggie... all sorts of things.. and feels no remorse whatsoever for anything he does to people. I'm not letting him stay one room away from my single female tenant who so incredibly oblivious and stupid when it comes to these things that it's phenomenal. This woman would hand a class of preschoolers over to a pedophile and then say, "But he promised he would be good."

Anyway.. this psychopath guy is not welcome to stay in my home. And no, I don't even give a crap if everyone thinks I'm mean for it.

So that guy called me at work the other day with the sob story about how he would have to sleep in the snow if I didn't do something for him. He just had nowhere to go, no one on this planet would help him. He would suffer and die if I didn't help him.

Of course this is after he sat on his duff at my house all day long playing video games, eating his brother's food, workin' the charm on the oblivious female tenant, and not lifting a finger to try to help himself or find a place when he knew he would need it.

My response was to give him the number for Victim Services and tell him to get in touch with Mission Services for shelter and help with a longer term plan. He did call those places. I guess those places have some rules, though. Miraculously the guy found a friend who he could stay with.

So tonight I find him in my home after 11pm. I was ticked.

I told him he wasn't staying here. You know, he had the gall to argue with me?! He told me his brother was leaving for the night and had told him that he could crash in his room.

I told him it was my house and I say who gets to sleep here and who doesn't. I told him his brother had no authority to invite someone to stay in this house when he wasn't here. I told him that he could march his butt (actually used a different word....) down to the hospital and cry to them for a place to stay, but he wasn't staying here.

So will I be able to sleep? No. I will be up to ensure that he leaves. If he doesn't, I will be up waiting for the police, because I will call them if I need to.

I will be listening for every noise, every door opening... is he sneaking back in? Is he mad because I refused him and now going to set my house on fire? Is my car safe? Are my pets safe? Is it my stalker breaking in to kill me?

I WANT MY HOUSE BACK!!!!

I want my home back. I want to be safe. I want to be able to earn enough to pay the bills and eat and go to sleep. I want to not have to pick up after everyone, to argue about noise and garbage and safety and every electrical appliance you can imagine being left on all the time. I don't want to keep replacing walls and carpets and floors and bathrooms because other people destroy them.

I'm not asking to be rich. I just want to be okay.

God, please... give me back my home and give me my safety.

On The Surface

This is a long haul. I knew it would be. I thought I would become accustomed to it, adjust.... In some ways I have. I still say I wouldn't have been able to come this far without God's help.

But in other ways, things are piling up and the sleep deprivation and lack of time are catching up to me. What I could force myself to do before, I can no longer. My body will not comply.

I thought that I could do this for a time and, in the meantime, build up a real means of income through the business. I am having trouble doing much of anything. I have no physical or mental energy. I have no time. I need funding for basics. I need help but had to let my assistant go due to financial constraints.

I do things as I believe I'm directed. What's happened is that instead of success in the way I've expected, I've discovered things... things are being revealed. Negative things, disappointing things. And sometimes in relation to my own brothers and sisters in Christ. That one saddens me the most.

I'm not talking about the horrific. Sadly, that stuff doesn't shock me; I see the really bad stuff long before most others and can avoid it and protect. I'm talking about other things that aren't as bad, but still hurt people. I'm talking about things such as lying and stealing, cheating, manipulating and then not calling those things for what they are but calling them "good" or "okay" or making excuses like "everyone does it" or "that's just the way the world works".

I dislike fake people. There's a difference between trying to be "good" or nice or giving because you want to do what's right or want to change something about yourself and being "good" because you want power or want people to think highly of you.

I shake my head. The majority of people are not smart enough to pull that off anyway.

Just like most other people, I want to believe that what I'm seeing with my eyes is true, that how people present themselves is how they really are. Just because we want to believe something doesn't make it so.

We've all met people who are the type who "call it like it is" (really they're calling it how they think it is, which is not always like it really is) or who are a bit brash, vocal... you know the type. It can be really annoying, but at least it's honest. I'd rather deal with that than someone who smiles in your face while they twist the knife or poison your meal.

So maybe there's more meaning to my circumstance than simply what I learn or simply trying to save my home. And maybe it's not all happy pretty stuff, like interacting with that teenage boy who wants to make something of himself and get out of the ghetto.

There is ugly stuff. Stuff that was hidden but is being revealed. This isn't new to me; It's part of what I do and who I am - my calling. It's just that usually I'm actually looking for it and this time (and one other time recently), I wasn't. That wasn't part of what I thought my role was. But the job description given by a corporation is not always the same as the job description given by our Father. Even though I know this, I failed to acknowledge it.

By the way, as I'd suspected, the problems at the night job are deeper and more widespread than what they initially appeared.

The other difference is that when I go looking to correct or protect people from the ugly stuff, I'm generally in a position of power. This time I'm in a position of no power.

Some time ago, God made it crystal clear to me to do the kind of work that I do. So I did and have continued. I thought that in the night job I would be merely flipping burgers and scrubbing toilets, that I was not doing anything related to my calling, but that's only what's on the surface....

Follow-Up

Tonight I decided that I would follow up on the cash drawer issue right away instead of waiting. I spoke to another manager about it. Her reaction was very different from the last one. She immediately recognized the seriousness of tampering with the cash procedure, the seriousness of forging a signature and falsifying the paperwork. She told me I had to give a written statement.

That makes perfect sense to me.

I will try to do that tomorrow before I have to go into work.

I've also decided that I'm going to ask the manager that I spoke to first to please wait until the senior boss decides how to proceed before tipping off the manager who has done the forgeries.

I suspect that mine is not the only signature being forged. I suspect that if this is investigated properly there will be some things uncovered.

So I'm praying for protection for those who have not tampered with cash or signatures, praying for protection for all who tell the truth, and praying that the truth - the real truth without tainting by bias or hidden agendas - be revealed.

I'm actually hoping that this manager does not lose her job over this. I'm hoping for rehabilitation. Having said that, I know that if this was one of my own staff they'd be fired immediately... so whatever management decides to do with her is not for me to judge.

There... I said that out loud (well, out loud as can be in blog-land). But I won't know what I think until things unfold. (Not sure if that made sense... It's late :) )

Did a whole lot of snow shovelling today.

Checked my car; It seems to be okay. ... oh, yeah... forgot to mention I got into a car accident last night. I'm okay, though so no biggie.

Funny thing - that broken-back feeling came back after the accident. I was able to pray it away, though. I know it sounds weird, but there's something to that.

Friday/Saturday

I tried something different. I figured that since I end up falling asleep at my desk so often and am not being very productive due to extreme fatigue, that I might as well stay up after I work the night job and start work on the day job straight away.

The first couple of hours were okay. By 9:30 am I was pretty much a basket case. I still managed to get in seven hours of work. The problem is that if I stay up, by the time I can make phone calls or visits or run errands, I'm useless. So that's not going to work.

I did, however get 3 hours sleep in a row. That seemed to make a difference tonight.

I'll get this figured out... I hope.

I spoke to management about the cash drawer issue. The manager I spoke with pulled up last night's paperwork. Surprise surprise, my initials had been forged.

The manager tonight seemed to want to make excuses for the other manager and doesn't seem keen on telling anyone more senior. I see this sort of thing in the day job all of the time - where front line staff actually have the guts to speak up but middle management is too uncomfortable to take it any further. If the bosses don't know about things they cannot deal with them.

I will wait to see what, if anything, happens and then follow up. At this point the senior managers don't realize that it's not my signature on those documents.

Crazy - You know, I've found the business world to be just as awful and mean as the criminal world, and sometimes more so. It's not a big surprise, but it is disappointing. I've fired people for much less than this.