Acceptance

What's happened to me? What have I allowed? How did I get so lost?

I never use to be so grouchy, so miserable.

Yes, I've always had rough edges to me, but wasn't harsh to people unnecessarily, was not snippy or petty.

I always accepted my circumstance and rose above it. Yes, I've had to fight and claw and suffer, but mentally I was always beyond it all. But that hasn't been the case for many weeks now.

I get annoyed - easily.

I raise my voice.

I fail to show compassion.

This has never been me, yet it must be a part of me because this is what I'm doing.

If I want to be dishonest with myself, I could say that it's because of my circumstance, because of sleep deprivation, because I'm sick and tired of being walked on. But that would only be a small part of the truth.

I've been in some horrific situations - far worse than this - yet did not develop a bad attitude. I never stopped being grateful. I never doubted my faith. People even thought I was weird because of it. So it's not just this situation. And I started down this road a long time ago.

I think part of it is a kind of pendulum swing, so to speak. Several years ago I failed God, myself, and an innocent life. Concurrent to that I also became terribly ill. I was so ashamed of my failure and my weakness that I could not even utter God's name. I didn't deserve to speak of Him, never mind speak to Him. I wouldn't dare cry to Him for help. Like Adam and Eve, I tried to hide myself from Him because I was so profoundly ashamed.

It's not that shame was anything new to me. I grew up being ashamed for everything, including being alive.

My sister was the instrument God used to get me back to Him. That is a whole other wonderful and miraculous story.

When I finally did dare to utter God's name, not because I was asking for help, but simply because I wanted to acknowledge Him, my physical healing progressed quickly (the prognosis was that I would never heal - but I was on my feet within months and completely healed within 5 years). The suffering over the loss of my child continues. It cuts as sharp today as it did on the day he died.

God went on to show me amazing things. He revealed to me my life's purpose and the reasons why I suffered all that I had. That's huge. There are people in this world who never find that, yet God just handed it to me one day.

I was obedient.

I have spent these last number of years trying to atone, trying to catch up, trying to undo that which cannot be undone. I have studied the Bible, talked to people, read Christian books, thought, and prayed. I wanted to be as good a person as I could. I wanted (and want to) be as good a daughter to Him as I possibly can.

Yes, I have learned some things. But I've messed up more than I've succeeded.

He told me to do the work that I do. So I did and have been. The fact remained that I still lived in this world and had to figure out how to start and run a business. So I asked people who supposedly knew what they were doing.

That was a mistake. I followed the wisdom of men right into big debt and a brick wall. The brick wall was that there are things that one is "supposed" to do in business that I simply cannot do if I'm to have integrity, if I'm to be able to say that this is God's work.

So I decided to listen to the wisdom of the Christian religion and Christian people.

That was a mistake. I ran around in circles, in confusion and I got very hurt. I think the Christian religion (or any religion for that matter) is still the wisdom of men. The wisdom of Christianity and the wisdom of Christ are two different things.

I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out because I see how, in spite of everything, God has continued to hold me up. No, I have not prospered, but neither have I perished.

I like to talk about God. I like to learn about Him. I want more than to know His ways; I want to understand. There's something in the understanding that words are not sufficient for. There's a thing, a knowing deep down inside of an inarticulatable truth. (yeah, yeah, I just made up the word "inarticulatable" - but hey, it works)

It is there where I must go once again.

The fight is as much internal as external - perhaps more so.

I AM good - not in the way that God is good, but good enough. I can stop trying now and just start being.

The Holy Spirit is in me. By trying too hard I actually cover Him up, I unwittingly cover that Light.

I must be good enough. It's not that I accepted Him, but that He accepted me that makes it so.