On The Surface

This is a long haul. I knew it would be. I thought I would become accustomed to it, adjust.... In some ways I have. I still say I wouldn't have been able to come this far without God's help.

But in other ways, things are piling up and the sleep deprivation and lack of time are catching up to me. What I could force myself to do before, I can no longer. My body will not comply.

I thought that I could do this for a time and, in the meantime, build up a real means of income through the business. I am having trouble doing much of anything. I have no physical or mental energy. I have no time. I need funding for basics. I need help but had to let my assistant go due to financial constraints.

I do things as I believe I'm directed. What's happened is that instead of success in the way I've expected, I've discovered things... things are being revealed. Negative things, disappointing things. And sometimes in relation to my own brothers and sisters in Christ. That one saddens me the most.

I'm not talking about the horrific. Sadly, that stuff doesn't shock me; I see the really bad stuff long before most others and can avoid it and protect. I'm talking about other things that aren't as bad, but still hurt people. I'm talking about things such as lying and stealing, cheating, manipulating and then not calling those things for what they are but calling them "good" or "okay" or making excuses like "everyone does it" or "that's just the way the world works".

I dislike fake people. There's a difference between trying to be "good" or nice or giving because you want to do what's right or want to change something about yourself and being "good" because you want power or want people to think highly of you.

I shake my head. The majority of people are not smart enough to pull that off anyway.

Just like most other people, I want to believe that what I'm seeing with my eyes is true, that how people present themselves is how they really are. Just because we want to believe something doesn't make it so.

We've all met people who are the type who "call it like it is" (really they're calling it how they think it is, which is not always like it really is) or who are a bit brash, vocal... you know the type. It can be really annoying, but at least it's honest. I'd rather deal with that than someone who smiles in your face while they twist the knife or poison your meal.

So maybe there's more meaning to my circumstance than simply what I learn or simply trying to save my home. And maybe it's not all happy pretty stuff, like interacting with that teenage boy who wants to make something of himself and get out of the ghetto.

There is ugly stuff. Stuff that was hidden but is being revealed. This isn't new to me; It's part of what I do and who I am - my calling. It's just that usually I'm actually looking for it and this time (and one other time recently), I wasn't. That wasn't part of what I thought my role was. But the job description given by a corporation is not always the same as the job description given by our Father. Even though I know this, I failed to acknowledge it.

By the way, as I'd suspected, the problems at the night job are deeper and more widespread than what they initially appeared.

The other difference is that when I go looking to correct or protect people from the ugly stuff, I'm generally in a position of power. This time I'm in a position of no power.

Some time ago, God made it crystal clear to me to do the kind of work that I do. So I did and have continued. I thought that in the night job I would be merely flipping burgers and scrubbing toilets, that I was not doing anything related to my calling, but that's only what's on the surface....