People at the night job think I'm this hugely strong, and even tough, person. My son adds to that perception by telling them stories about people being afraid of me. (That makes me laugh. I'm not a mean person, really!)
Their perception was strengthened when I took on the Wayward Manager. The perception was strengthened when I met with the senior boss expecting change (they are all afraid to do such a thing). I find that interesting since these are not all the result of "toughness" but action borne of other values and beliefs.
It was strengthened once again with an incident a couple of weeks ago. Some men came into the store just before close. They were eyeballing the cash register, the staff, the layout and the doors. They made a phone call and shortly thereafter there was a car sitting right at the door with the engine running - unusual in the first place, but more unusual because it was there for so long and the men seemed to have been communicating through the window with the driver.
They were really eyeballing us. I had a bad, creepy feeling about it. I know from experience and training to never ignore a bad creepy feeling. I thought about it and decided there were enough facts to take some minor action.
I went to the manager and pretty much ordered her to remove the cash drawer from the register and lock it in the office - right now. I don't know why, exactly, but she immediately complied without question.
About five minutes later another group of men came to the door, which was locked by that time. The men inside got up to go let them in.
The staff stood watching, finally curious and nervous. (I hadn't said anything to them.)
I went out and stood between the men and the door and told them they weren't letting anyone in.
They looked at me as though they were sizing me up, reading me. They decided to go sit down. They left shortly after and I made a point of being there to ensure they didn't let anyone in. They got into the car that had been running and it rolled away.
Afterwards, the other staff admitted they were afraid.
And so they think I have great courage (I don't think that what I did was courageous; It's not like anyone had a gun to me or anything).
So last night I was in the back room. We had received a big order of stock and it was also closing time. I noticed something moving across the floor.
It was a big, huge, humongous, mammoth, spider!!
Black, hairy, fast.
I screamed like a girl.
I did a little dance-on-the-spot whilst screaming like said girl.
The Wicked Step-sister came running. "What's going on?!"
Still dancing on the spot, unable to speak because my breath was taken up by a silent scream, I pointed to the monster.
Oh, she relished this situation!
She went and stood near the thing, watching it. She said, "Oh, he's a big one."
The manager came back to see what was happening. She sees me dancing on the spot and looks thoroughly confused.
She sees the spider.
Looks back at me (am now dancing on my tip-toes and not breathing).
A grin spread across her face.
She doesn't like the behemoth either, but wasn't gonna let me know that.
I screeched, "Well kill it for Pete's sake, kill it!"
Well, that was it. Now the manager couldn't breathe either - because she was laughing so hard! She was doubled over in laughter.
The Wicked Step-sister saved the day by stomping on the spider.
I was all grossed out. That's funny, too. I can see human brains on the road, horrific crime scenes and not bat an eye, but bug guts make my stomach turn over. What is that?!
They figured the monster came from the fruit or vegetable crates that were delivered and that it had ventured out of the walk-in fridge.
I said, "I'm never going into that walk-in again!"
They laughed.
I said, "I mean it! I'm asserting my right not to engage in unsafe work!" (I was joking at that point. Safe now, since Boris the spider was dead)
The manager doubled over in laughter again.
There's a scene in the movie "Sleepy Hollow" (Johnny Depp) where the guy comes to face the headless horseman and is crazily brave. But he sees a spider in his room and reacts with great fear. My son loves this scene and says that character is like me.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Day of Miscellaneous
My friend made me another pot of stew. Isn't that awesome?!
I was telling a woman about this, about the stew and the casseroles and how it was all done (often how a thing is given is more important than what is given), and this woman, an unbeliever, started crying! She was that moved that someone who is not a relative would do that for someone else. So it was a chance to quietly and unobtrusively point to an example of Christ's love.
What a cold world.
When something good is shocking and violence is normal....
I guess we need to really appreciate and hang on to all the gems we are blessed with, given that we can receive so many lumps of coal or fool's gold so often.
I had court today. Serial rapist case. Ugly, horrific... and he's out walking around in the community. I wrote about it on the work blog. Well... wrote what I could, anyway. There's a publication ban on almost everything.
He sat down directly behind me in court. I sat there thinking about the fact that I had a serial rapist sitting directly behind me - so close I could feel his breath on the back of my head. I could smell him. I thought about the victims smelling him. After a rape it's like you can't get the smell of the rapist off of you no matter what you do. It's a big thing that victims experience but you don't hear about it often.
I saw what's-his-name in the courthouse hallway. (He's a lawyer, for those of you who don't know already) He didn't see me.
To me, he is the most attractive looking man I've ever seen in my life. That doesn't make this whole thing any easier, that's for sure! So of course, all of that hurt was triggered again - like I needed that.
After court I got to my car to find I had a parking ticket! $35!!!!
Where do those parking enforcement guys hide?!
You can't be even a second late for the meter. It's like they have some way of knowing from their little dens that someone's meter is going to expire in exactly the number of seconds it takes for the enforcement guy to get from his lair to his prey - i.e. my car!
I got some sleep last night. Yay!
Talked to my ex-husband on the phone tonight. He called to wish me a happy belated birthday. The conversation was the usual. It was okay, I guess. I'm actually going to have lunch with him tomorrow.
I went to the grocery store and, as a belated birthday gift to myself, splurged. I probably shouldn't have, especially considering I am calculating the cost of a slice of bread and literally saving pennies in an attempt to pay some bills. But I thought, "what the heck... I didn't get a cake or a gift and I've been working my butt off; I can give myself a little something, right?"
So I bought a can of pears (cheaper than fresh ones - do canned pears have any nutritional value? Does it still count as a serving of fruit?). I also bought a bag of blueberry bagels, some juice, and some cheese. That was an extravagant thing for me to do. But now, between that stuff and the stew, and my son giving me 3 bananas, I actually have some stuff in the house. So that feels good.
You know... I've lost 21 pounds since January.
I adore my dogs. They keep me sane.
My friends keep me sane, too. The woman who made the stew sent me an email in which one sentence read "Happy freakin birthday!!" I laughed so hard the dogs came running in to see what was going on.
And my son, who is struggling himself, gave me half of his bananas that he can't afford either. I didn't ask for those (I wouldn't); He just decided I probably needed it, so he did it. Nice boy, he is.
Wonder when spring will really come.
I was telling a woman about this, about the stew and the casseroles and how it was all done (often how a thing is given is more important than what is given), and this woman, an unbeliever, started crying! She was that moved that someone who is not a relative would do that for someone else. So it was a chance to quietly and unobtrusively point to an example of Christ's love.
What a cold world.
When something good is shocking and violence is normal....
I guess we need to really appreciate and hang on to all the gems we are blessed with, given that we can receive so many lumps of coal or fool's gold so often.
I had court today. Serial rapist case. Ugly, horrific... and he's out walking around in the community. I wrote about it on the work blog. Well... wrote what I could, anyway. There's a publication ban on almost everything.
He sat down directly behind me in court. I sat there thinking about the fact that I had a serial rapist sitting directly behind me - so close I could feel his breath on the back of my head. I could smell him. I thought about the victims smelling him. After a rape it's like you can't get the smell of the rapist off of you no matter what you do. It's a big thing that victims experience but you don't hear about it often.
I saw what's-his-name in the courthouse hallway. (He's a lawyer, for those of you who don't know already) He didn't see me.
To me, he is the most attractive looking man I've ever seen in my life. That doesn't make this whole thing any easier, that's for sure! So of course, all of that hurt was triggered again - like I needed that.
After court I got to my car to find I had a parking ticket! $35!!!!
Where do those parking enforcement guys hide?!
You can't be even a second late for the meter. It's like they have some way of knowing from their little dens that someone's meter is going to expire in exactly the number of seconds it takes for the enforcement guy to get from his lair to his prey - i.e. my car!
I got some sleep last night. Yay!
Talked to my ex-husband on the phone tonight. He called to wish me a happy belated birthday. The conversation was the usual. It was okay, I guess. I'm actually going to have lunch with him tomorrow.
I went to the grocery store and, as a belated birthday gift to myself, splurged. I probably shouldn't have, especially considering I am calculating the cost of a slice of bread and literally saving pennies in an attempt to pay some bills. But I thought, "what the heck... I didn't get a cake or a gift and I've been working my butt off; I can give myself a little something, right?"
So I bought a can of pears (cheaper than fresh ones - do canned pears have any nutritional value? Does it still count as a serving of fruit?). I also bought a bag of blueberry bagels, some juice, and some cheese. That was an extravagant thing for me to do. But now, between that stuff and the stew, and my son giving me 3 bananas, I actually have some stuff in the house. So that feels good.
You know... I've lost 21 pounds since January.
I adore my dogs. They keep me sane.
My friends keep me sane, too. The woman who made the stew sent me an email in which one sentence read "Happy freakin birthday!!" I laughed so hard the dogs came running in to see what was going on.
And my son, who is struggling himself, gave me half of his bananas that he can't afford either. I didn't ask for those (I wouldn't); He just decided I probably needed it, so he did it. Nice boy, he is.
Wonder when spring will really come.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Moments
I'm very tired, so I don't know if what I say will make much sense...
Lately I've had moments where I've thought about moments. Life is comprised of these and although at any given moment I might feel a certain way or think a certain thing or be in a certain environment, etcetera, I'm still the same person.
Mostly.
I'm not talking about defining moments - just the ones we all have every day.
Yes, there's something to living in the present, and I can be pretty good at that, but there's more. There's being aware of life in the present.
I said I feel like my life is flying by before my eyes and that's true. But it's also true that I am still living my life - as long as I am aware of the moments (as in the experience rather than the time), I am living. Moments and experiences and circumstances and things come and go, but I remain - still alive and living.
I AM (referring to God now) lives. What I see and experience is a miniscule micro version of the Great I Am and how He is and works.
If one human being can have such a rich experience, can have so many thoughts and feelings and complexities... and there are billions of human beings when you count all those who live, have lived, and will live.... and humans are specks, each a mere breath of God, then why do we try to simplify God and say He is this way or that way? ... just a thought on a tangent here....
Last night I said something to my son in a terse tone of voice. What I said was okay; It was my tone I didn't like. I recognized it immediately and immediately apologized and looked at myself to figure out what was going on. It was then that I had to admit that I was hurting about what's-his-name and bottling it up. If I'd tried to blame my son for my tone or mood I wouldn't have seen the unresolved issue I had, a sort of log in my eye.
And there are other moments. Like this morning.
All I have to do is look at my dogs and they wag their tails. I look at the cats and they start purring. I don't even have to touch them, just look at them and they are happy. Ganyahde (the puppy) is particularly funny. I just look at her and she rolls over onto her back, paws in the air, tail wagging.
How can I not smile at that?
And if I remain wrapped up in my own crap, I would miss that. Oh, I would see it, but would not experience it.
So I'm grateful for the animals. They truly are gifts.
And I'm grateful that God has created us in such a way that we can be aware of such moments, aware of our experience, aware of our awareness. It is in that way that we can experience life more richly. No amount of money in the world could give me that.
Are some of the moments I've experienced recently messages from God or are they merely moments of experience?
Remember how I was saying recently that I've had the sense that spring is coming in a non-literal sense? How I said I felt like I'd taken a step out of a dark place?
I wonder if that is somehow connected with that whole experience of fresh flowers and rain (remember that?). If it is, then it means there is something to hope for, something bigger than I know about. I don't know.
I look at all the houses on my street, think about all the houses in the city, in the country, in the world. In each of those places there are people experiencing a moment right now. If you add up all of those experiences, all of the "moments" that they are having in this moment, you have a whole lot of moments and see that time is not linear.
I know that this all sounds strange, but that's okay too.
Lately I've had moments where I've thought about moments. Life is comprised of these and although at any given moment I might feel a certain way or think a certain thing or be in a certain environment, etcetera, I'm still the same person.
Mostly.
I'm not talking about defining moments - just the ones we all have every day.
Yes, there's something to living in the present, and I can be pretty good at that, but there's more. There's being aware of life in the present.
I said I feel like my life is flying by before my eyes and that's true. But it's also true that I am still living my life - as long as I am aware of the moments (as in the experience rather than the time), I am living. Moments and experiences and circumstances and things come and go, but I remain - still alive and living.
I AM (referring to God now) lives. What I see and experience is a miniscule micro version of the Great I Am and how He is and works.
If one human being can have such a rich experience, can have so many thoughts and feelings and complexities... and there are billions of human beings when you count all those who live, have lived, and will live.... and humans are specks, each a mere breath of God, then why do we try to simplify God and say He is this way or that way? ... just a thought on a tangent here....
Last night I said something to my son in a terse tone of voice. What I said was okay; It was my tone I didn't like. I recognized it immediately and immediately apologized and looked at myself to figure out what was going on. It was then that I had to admit that I was hurting about what's-his-name and bottling it up. If I'd tried to blame my son for my tone or mood I wouldn't have seen the unresolved issue I had, a sort of log in my eye.
And there are other moments. Like this morning.
All I have to do is look at my dogs and they wag their tails. I look at the cats and they start purring. I don't even have to touch them, just look at them and they are happy. Ganyahde (the puppy) is particularly funny. I just look at her and she rolls over onto her back, paws in the air, tail wagging.
How can I not smile at that?
And if I remain wrapped up in my own crap, I would miss that. Oh, I would see it, but would not experience it.
So I'm grateful for the animals. They truly are gifts.
And I'm grateful that God has created us in such a way that we can be aware of such moments, aware of our experience, aware of our awareness. It is in that way that we can experience life more richly. No amount of money in the world could give me that.
Are some of the moments I've experienced recently messages from God or are they merely moments of experience?
Remember how I was saying recently that I've had the sense that spring is coming in a non-literal sense? How I said I felt like I'd taken a step out of a dark place?
I wonder if that is somehow connected with that whole experience of fresh flowers and rain (remember that?). If it is, then it means there is something to hope for, something bigger than I know about. I don't know.
I look at all the houses on my street, think about all the houses in the city, in the country, in the world. In each of those places there are people experiencing a moment right now. If you add up all of those experiences, all of the "moments" that they are having in this moment, you have a whole lot of moments and see that time is not linear.
I know that this all sounds strange, but that's okay too.
Steamed Fish
I want to cry my eyes out but am not letting myself. I'm afraid that if I start, I won't stop. Besides, what good does crying do?
I should be okay.
The Wayward Manager was very nice tonight. It's only 1:20am and I am home already.
I know what's wrong, though.
Tonight at the night job we got into a conversation about different ways to cook fish. I gave them my recipe for steamed fish. It's not the first recipe I've given them. One of the women asked me why I know so many authentic Chinese recipes.
The reason is What's-his-name. I learned how to cook real Chinese food for him. I loved cooking for him and his enthusiastic appreciation encouraged me to do more and do it better.
Tonight, in answer to the question about how I know these things, I simply mentioned it was because of dating whats-his-name. They started asking all sorts of questions. I dodged the questions, but it brought up all the emotion I have been pushing aside and/or covering up with my anger.
Why does my heart still ache so? Why can I not get rid of him?
Everything reminds me of him and I push that away. I try to make new memories, new mental associations.
This attachment is still so strong in spite of everything and I hate it. I don't want to feel attached. I don't want the pain of separation. I don't want the pain of being with him.
I want to not care. I want to feel indifferent.
Why is it that I can mentally and emotionally erase so much, but not him?
I have prayed about this over and over. I have had others pray for me and with me.
I have done all the rationalization in the world.
It's all to no avail.
This morning I dreamt that I was holding our baby (the one who died). I woke up terribly distraught.
Why can I not get rid of what's-his-name?
I guess I'm still boggled by what he did. On a mental level I get it; On an emotional and spiritual level it boggles me.
No matter how much I deny it or try to hide it, it's still hurting.
I should be okay.
The Wayward Manager was very nice tonight. It's only 1:20am and I am home already.
I know what's wrong, though.
Tonight at the night job we got into a conversation about different ways to cook fish. I gave them my recipe for steamed fish. It's not the first recipe I've given them. One of the women asked me why I know so many authentic Chinese recipes.
The reason is What's-his-name. I learned how to cook real Chinese food for him. I loved cooking for him and his enthusiastic appreciation encouraged me to do more and do it better.
Tonight, in answer to the question about how I know these things, I simply mentioned it was because of dating whats-his-name. They started asking all sorts of questions. I dodged the questions, but it brought up all the emotion I have been pushing aside and/or covering up with my anger.
Why does my heart still ache so? Why can I not get rid of him?
Everything reminds me of him and I push that away. I try to make new memories, new mental associations.
This attachment is still so strong in spite of everything and I hate it. I don't want to feel attached. I don't want the pain of separation. I don't want the pain of being with him.
I want to not care. I want to feel indifferent.
Why is it that I can mentally and emotionally erase so much, but not him?
I have prayed about this over and over. I have had others pray for me and with me.
I have done all the rationalization in the world.
It's all to no avail.
This morning I dreamt that I was holding our baby (the one who died). I woke up terribly distraught.
Why can I not get rid of what's-his-name?
I guess I'm still boggled by what he did. On a mental level I get it; On an emotional and spiritual level it boggles me.
No matter how much I deny it or try to hide it, it's still hurting.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Send Me a Boat
It's 7:30am and I haven't gone to bed yet - again.
The carpet cleaners came and went - The stains won't come out. That money to pay them was a lot of food, or part of a hydro bill, or part of the mortgage...
The male tenant is still mad at me for not taking in his brother.
At work, the brother would not cooperate with me which resulted in the entire staff team being held up. I said nothing. I did not complain. I knew that his behaviour would be seen by everyone, so I didn't need to whine. I just waited.
When the manager spoke to him about it several times, he finally started to sort of do what he was supposed to, but was doing things like throwing pieces of chicken at me instead of giving them to me. People noticed. I stayed quiet. If he wanted to be a jerk, he could do it all by himself.
Later, he decided to be civilized toward me. Then the manager asked if I would give him a ride home. I said no. No one understood.
A woman who was interested in renting a room here wrote to me to tell me she didn't get the student grant she needed (She was a really nice one, too.)
The boss at the night job went on vacation and forgot to submit my paperwork, meaning there will likely be another couple of weeks delay before I can start my new position.
All I do is work, it seems.
Very very tired.
Can't seem to manage this issue of finding time and the fatigue.
Love my dogs.
My company has been asked to support a book launch re a book about sexual abuse. I think I'm going to do it.
The days and weeks and months go by so quickly. I feel like my life is disappearing before my eyes. Feeling somewhat powerless.
But not giving up.
Tummy's been acting up again.
The broken-back feeling came back again tonight. It was harder to get rid of for some reason.
I miss church. I miss my friends. I miss having a life.
Feeling overwhelmed.
God, please show me how to swim or send me a boat.
The carpet cleaners came and went - The stains won't come out. That money to pay them was a lot of food, or part of a hydro bill, or part of the mortgage...
The male tenant is still mad at me for not taking in his brother.
At work, the brother would not cooperate with me which resulted in the entire staff team being held up. I said nothing. I did not complain. I knew that his behaviour would be seen by everyone, so I didn't need to whine. I just waited.
When the manager spoke to him about it several times, he finally started to sort of do what he was supposed to, but was doing things like throwing pieces of chicken at me instead of giving them to me. People noticed. I stayed quiet. If he wanted to be a jerk, he could do it all by himself.
Later, he decided to be civilized toward me. Then the manager asked if I would give him a ride home. I said no. No one understood.
A woman who was interested in renting a room here wrote to me to tell me she didn't get the student grant she needed (She was a really nice one, too.)
The boss at the night job went on vacation and forgot to submit my paperwork, meaning there will likely be another couple of weeks delay before I can start my new position.
All I do is work, it seems.
Very very tired.
Can't seem to manage this issue of finding time and the fatigue.
Love my dogs.
My company has been asked to support a book launch re a book about sexual abuse. I think I'm going to do it.
The days and weeks and months go by so quickly. I feel like my life is disappearing before my eyes. Feeling somewhat powerless.
But not giving up.
Tummy's been acting up again.
The broken-back feeling came back again tonight. It was harder to get rid of for some reason.
I miss church. I miss my friends. I miss having a life.
Feeling overwhelmed.
God, please show me how to swim or send me a boat.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Spring Coming?
It turns out that the male tenant and his brother slept in the foyer of a bank.
Apparently this is all my fault.
The brother knew that Mission Services wouldn't take him after midnight. Yet when I kicked him out of here at 11pm, he chose to go see his brother at work and tell him how awful I am rather than going to where he was assured of a place to stay for the night.
If his goal was truly to find a place to stay, he would have gone to Mission Services. But that wasn't his goal (in my opinion). His goal was to stay at MY house - to get his way. So when he came back here at 3am, it was too late for him to go to Mission Services.
This is all my fault.
The male tenant is thinking of quitting his job, leaving the woman he's having the affair with, and moving out of the city.
How does that help his brother?
So work will lose another employee, that manager will lose her boyfriend (who is providing her with some much needed emotional stuff), and this guy will be starting over somewhere else.
And it's all my fault.
The story is that I'm a cold-hearted b____h who would let a poor guy suffer and maybe die out in the cold and throw his brother out with him.
My recollection is that I threw the brother out after telling him on repeated occasions that my home was not an option for him and providing him with the phone numbers for other supports. I even checked those options myself to make sure that there really was help available for him.
My recollection is that I offered the tenant a choice. His brother goes or they both go. Not the choice he wanted; I'll concede that fact, but a choice nonetheless. He made a choice.
But somehow the results of the choices that these people have made are all my fault.
Everyone at the night job knows how horrible I am. That will only fuel the fires and provide more ammunition for the Wayward Manager who continues to ignore procedure when dealing with the cash. I'm going to tell the boss again - but am concerned that now that it's the second time I've told, it will just look like I'm complaining.
Still... in spite of everything... for a moment yesterday I felt like I had taken a step out of a dark place. I don't know why. I don't know what, if anything I did that was the actual step out of the dark place.
Could it be simply that spring is coming and the days are getting longer and there's more sunshine?
Could it be that spring is coming in a different sense, a spiritual sense?
I don't know.
That sense of stepping out of a shadow was strong and profound, but only lasted a moment.
Wonder what that was about....
Apparently this is all my fault.
The brother knew that Mission Services wouldn't take him after midnight. Yet when I kicked him out of here at 11pm, he chose to go see his brother at work and tell him how awful I am rather than going to where he was assured of a place to stay for the night.
If his goal was truly to find a place to stay, he would have gone to Mission Services. But that wasn't his goal (in my opinion). His goal was to stay at MY house - to get his way. So when he came back here at 3am, it was too late for him to go to Mission Services.
This is all my fault.
The male tenant is thinking of quitting his job, leaving the woman he's having the affair with, and moving out of the city.
How does that help his brother?
So work will lose another employee, that manager will lose her boyfriend (who is providing her with some much needed emotional stuff), and this guy will be starting over somewhere else.
And it's all my fault.
The story is that I'm a cold-hearted b____h who would let a poor guy suffer and maybe die out in the cold and throw his brother out with him.
My recollection is that I threw the brother out after telling him on repeated occasions that my home was not an option for him and providing him with the phone numbers for other supports. I even checked those options myself to make sure that there really was help available for him.
My recollection is that I offered the tenant a choice. His brother goes or they both go. Not the choice he wanted; I'll concede that fact, but a choice nonetheless. He made a choice.
But somehow the results of the choices that these people have made are all my fault.
Everyone at the night job knows how horrible I am. That will only fuel the fires and provide more ammunition for the Wayward Manager who continues to ignore procedure when dealing with the cash. I'm going to tell the boss again - but am concerned that now that it's the second time I've told, it will just look like I'm complaining.
Still... in spite of everything... for a moment yesterday I felt like I had taken a step out of a dark place. I don't know why. I don't know what, if anything I did that was the actual step out of the dark place.
Could it be simply that spring is coming and the days are getting longer and there's more sunshine?
Could it be that spring is coming in a different sense, a spiritual sense?
I don't know.
That sense of stepping out of a shadow was strong and profound, but only lasted a moment.
Wonder what that was about....
Monday, March 17, 2008
A Regular Peyton Place
I'm sitting here in the wee hours of the morning feeling upset over what has just happened here.
The psychopath guy did get back in - his brother brought him in.
I spoke to the male tenant and tried to explain as nicely as I could that I had already kicked the guy out earlier and that he just can't stay here. I told him that I understood that he was in a hard position but that his brother was making choices and, if he wanted the tenant could blame me when he talked to his brother.
He said his brother really didn't have any other place to go. I told him that wasn't true and explained to him what Mission Services had to offer and that they had in fact offered the guy a bed and some additional assistance on top of that. I told him that his brother was fully aware of this but simply not using it. I also told him that his brother's problems could not be made into my problems.
I can't tell you how hard that was for me to say that.
The tenant said, "Well, he's staying here tonight."
I said, "No, he's not"
Tenant, "Yes, he is."
me, "No. If I have to, I'll call the police and you can both leave."
Tenant, "Fine, we'll both leave and I'm giving my notice."
me, "You don't have to give two months. You can be out by April 1st"
him, "Alright"
So it looks like I'm getting my house back. Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to pay for it.
And I feel sick to my stomach - as much due to this situation as any illness.
I can't let this guy put his foot down with me about allowing someone into my home whom I feel is a threat to me and my furbabies. But I still feel bad for him all the same.
Not even sure what to think or feel right now.
And to think I was entertaining thoughts of letting their mother move in here.
And, oh... I have to work with these two at the night job and the one is having an affair with one of the managers whose common-law husband has made threats against her and him, all of which will make the night job situation weird, too.
How in the heck did I get into all this with everybody else's drama?
Really, I thought I'd be flipping burgers at night - I mean how complicated should that be?
The psychopath guy did get back in - his brother brought him in.
I spoke to the male tenant and tried to explain as nicely as I could that I had already kicked the guy out earlier and that he just can't stay here. I told him that I understood that he was in a hard position but that his brother was making choices and, if he wanted the tenant could blame me when he talked to his brother.
He said his brother really didn't have any other place to go. I told him that wasn't true and explained to him what Mission Services had to offer and that they had in fact offered the guy a bed and some additional assistance on top of that. I told him that his brother was fully aware of this but simply not using it. I also told him that his brother's problems could not be made into my problems.
I can't tell you how hard that was for me to say that.
The tenant said, "Well, he's staying here tonight."
I said, "No, he's not"
Tenant, "Yes, he is."
me, "No. If I have to, I'll call the police and you can both leave."
Tenant, "Fine, we'll both leave and I'm giving my notice."
me, "You don't have to give two months. You can be out by April 1st"
him, "Alright"
So it looks like I'm getting my house back. Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to pay for it.
And I feel sick to my stomach - as much due to this situation as any illness.
I can't let this guy put his foot down with me about allowing someone into my home whom I feel is a threat to me and my furbabies. But I still feel bad for him all the same.
Not even sure what to think or feel right now.
And to think I was entertaining thoughts of letting their mother move in here.
And, oh... I have to work with these two at the night job and the one is having an affair with one of the managers whose common-law husband has made threats against her and him, all of which will make the night job situation weird, too.
How in the heck did I get into all this with everybody else's drama?
Really, I thought I'd be flipping burgers at night - I mean how complicated should that be?
Cold Medication and a Sick Day
I'm sick, so stayed home in my pajamas.
That should mean that my day would be uneventful, right? Shouldn't it be that way?
Before I tell you about what went on here, I want to pass along some information about what my friend went through this weekend. She has been off sick and has been taking cold medication. She got a terrible headache, so took two tylenols. As far as I know, she took the medications in the proper doses.
Then things went haywire for her. Her heart rate went crazy. She had to be taken to the hospital via ambulance. The doctors tried medication to stablize her heart rate, but it didn't work. They had to use the machine with the paddles on her.
Scary stuff.
She's okay now, but what an ordeal for her!
Mine is not a cold, but queasiness, chills, aches, dizziness, etc., so cold medication is not something I'd be using right now anyway. I just mention this partly because I was shocked and concerned for my friend, and partly to pass along that caution.
I ventured downstairs to clean the carpet in the female tenant's room. I thought maybe if I worked really slowly that, bit by bit, I could make some progress.
It's stained beyond belief. It's ruined.
Two grand - for something I never got to use and that someone else destroyed.
God, I want to make enough money so I can have my house back.
Tonight at 11pm I discovered psychopath guy in my house again! The male tenant was not here.
I was pretty angry about that. I confronted him and told him to get out of my house. Again, he had the gall to argue with me! I told him I would be calling the police and that's when he agreed to leave.
But then he went on and on about how sorry he was. He's not sorry for trying to scam his way in here; He's sorry he got caught and sorry he didn't get what he wants! I said that to him.
Then I watched, probably with an incredulous expression on my face, as he stood there and actually worked to conjure up some tears. When he started crying, there were no tears, then his eyes got moist, then the moistness in the eyes went away. He said, "If you would help me just this once..."
I interrupted. You see, it's not "just this once". "Just this once" already happened. Anyway, I told him no and he got very angry. It was explosive.
I was standing there, sick and dizzy, knowing that I'm physically vulnerable.
I told him he had options but was choosing not to do anything and that he wasn't staying here. I walked away and waited.
He went to my son, trying to get my son to help him, to take his side. My son didn't argue with him, but wouldn't take his side, either. Then the guy told my son what he was going to tell me. My son told him he might want to think about that before he did it. The guy was defiant and said, "What's she gonna do, punch me in the face?"
My son calmly said, "You might want to watch what you say to her because you might not like what she says back."
I guess the guy got all macho and huffy and more intent on getting into it with me. My son shrugged his shoulders and laughed a little - kind of like, "whatever, buddy... if you want to jump off a cliff that's your problem"
The guy changed his mind about confronting me. But then he convinced my boy to give him a ride somewhere.
I think I'm going to have to tell my male tenant that the guy is not allowed here after 11pm. That really sucks because the tenant, although my son's age, is still an adult and I don't like having to treat him like a teenager by laying down such a rule.
This is really a sad thing because the tenant is a nice kid and I think he's caught between a whole lot of different forces. But I still need to know that I can go to sleep at night without worrying about who is in my house, who has access to me and my pets and my property.
I'm still up because I'm expecting that this guy is going to try to scam his way in again tonight.
I just wanted to get some rest. Just for a day. One sick day, one day to let my body try to fight whatever has besieged it.
That should mean that my day would be uneventful, right? Shouldn't it be that way?
Before I tell you about what went on here, I want to pass along some information about what my friend went through this weekend. She has been off sick and has been taking cold medication. She got a terrible headache, so took two tylenols. As far as I know, she took the medications in the proper doses.
Then things went haywire for her. Her heart rate went crazy. She had to be taken to the hospital via ambulance. The doctors tried medication to stablize her heart rate, but it didn't work. They had to use the machine with the paddles on her.
Scary stuff.
She's okay now, but what an ordeal for her!
Mine is not a cold, but queasiness, chills, aches, dizziness, etc., so cold medication is not something I'd be using right now anyway. I just mention this partly because I was shocked and concerned for my friend, and partly to pass along that caution.
I ventured downstairs to clean the carpet in the female tenant's room. I thought maybe if I worked really slowly that, bit by bit, I could make some progress.
It's stained beyond belief. It's ruined.
Two grand - for something I never got to use and that someone else destroyed.
God, I want to make enough money so I can have my house back.
Tonight at 11pm I discovered psychopath guy in my house again! The male tenant was not here.
I was pretty angry about that. I confronted him and told him to get out of my house. Again, he had the gall to argue with me! I told him I would be calling the police and that's when he agreed to leave.
But then he went on and on about how sorry he was. He's not sorry for trying to scam his way in here; He's sorry he got caught and sorry he didn't get what he wants! I said that to him.
Then I watched, probably with an incredulous expression on my face, as he stood there and actually worked to conjure up some tears. When he started crying, there were no tears, then his eyes got moist, then the moistness in the eyes went away. He said, "If you would help me just this once..."
I interrupted. You see, it's not "just this once". "Just this once" already happened. Anyway, I told him no and he got very angry. It was explosive.
I was standing there, sick and dizzy, knowing that I'm physically vulnerable.
I told him he had options but was choosing not to do anything and that he wasn't staying here. I walked away and waited.
He went to my son, trying to get my son to help him, to take his side. My son didn't argue with him, but wouldn't take his side, either. Then the guy told my son what he was going to tell me. My son told him he might want to think about that before he did it. The guy was defiant and said, "What's she gonna do, punch me in the face?"
My son calmly said, "You might want to watch what you say to her because you might not like what she says back."
I guess the guy got all macho and huffy and more intent on getting into it with me. My son shrugged his shoulders and laughed a little - kind of like, "whatever, buddy... if you want to jump off a cliff that's your problem"
The guy changed his mind about confronting me. But then he convinced my boy to give him a ride somewhere.
I think I'm going to have to tell my male tenant that the guy is not allowed here after 11pm. That really sucks because the tenant, although my son's age, is still an adult and I don't like having to treat him like a teenager by laying down such a rule.
This is really a sad thing because the tenant is a nice kid and I think he's caught between a whole lot of different forces. But I still need to know that I can go to sleep at night without worrying about who is in my house, who has access to me and my pets and my property.
I'm still up because I'm expecting that this guy is going to try to scam his way in again tonight.
I just wanted to get some rest. Just for a day. One sick day, one day to let my body try to fight whatever has besieged it.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Should have stayed home
I should have stayed home.
While I was sitting at my computer and slowly doing things around the house I felt bad, but not bad enough to call in sick. When I got to work where the physical demands are much greater, my physical state deteriorated quickly. A couple of times I was sure I was going to faint (but I didn't).
The Wayward Manager let me go one hour early. This is after I asked, after two other employees told her that she really ought to let me go, and even a customer commented in front of her that I looked terrible.
I drove the psychopath guy to his mother's. I really ought to come up with a different name for him. "Psychopath" sounds so purely evil and, even though the guy likely really is a psychopath, no one is truly pure and complete evil. He is still a human being and labelling him like that is a barrier to remembering his humanity. I just can't come up with a better name at the moment.
During the drive, he asked me if he could move into my house. I told him that he could not. I told him that other people are already interested in the room (which is true) and that if I could figure out a way not to rent out the room at all then I won't (also true), and that it can't be rented until repairs are done anyway (also true).
I suggested to him that he talk to some people about getting some help with making a plan to get off of the streets and get some help getting together a plan and some supports in a more holistic sense so that once he got off the streets he could stay off and have a real shot at getting what he wants out of life. He said he liked that idea. We'll see what, if anything, he actually does about it.
He's already got the senior boss at work mad at him because he just didn't show up for his shift.
I've got to make some notes. The Wayward Manager still isn't following proper procedure with the cash.
If I'm feeling this lousy tomorrow, I will call in sick. I don't want to, though, because I don't want to leave them short-handed. On the other hand, they don't need me giving them whatever virus I've got.
While I was sitting at my computer and slowly doing things around the house I felt bad, but not bad enough to call in sick. When I got to work where the physical demands are much greater, my physical state deteriorated quickly. A couple of times I was sure I was going to faint (but I didn't).
The Wayward Manager let me go one hour early. This is after I asked, after two other employees told her that she really ought to let me go, and even a customer commented in front of her that I looked terrible.
I drove the psychopath guy to his mother's. I really ought to come up with a different name for him. "Psychopath" sounds so purely evil and, even though the guy likely really is a psychopath, no one is truly pure and complete evil. He is still a human being and labelling him like that is a barrier to remembering his humanity. I just can't come up with a better name at the moment.
During the drive, he asked me if he could move into my house. I told him that he could not. I told him that other people are already interested in the room (which is true) and that if I could figure out a way not to rent out the room at all then I won't (also true), and that it can't be rented until repairs are done anyway (also true).
I suggested to him that he talk to some people about getting some help with making a plan to get off of the streets and get some help getting together a plan and some supports in a more holistic sense so that once he got off the streets he could stay off and have a real shot at getting what he wants out of life. He said he liked that idea. We'll see what, if anything, he actually does about it.
He's already got the senior boss at work mad at him because he just didn't show up for his shift.
I've got to make some notes. The Wayward Manager still isn't following proper procedure with the cash.
If I'm feeling this lousy tomorrow, I will call in sick. I don't want to, though, because I don't want to leave them short-handed. On the other hand, they don't need me giving them whatever virus I've got.
Workin' On It
So the female tenant moved out today.
Left her garbage here. I can't afford to have it removed, but it must be done.
The beautiful two-thousand dollar carpet in her room is a mess. After she broke my vacuum, she never vacuumed her room again. That's a year and a half of NEVER vacuuming a white carpet.
There are gouges in the walls - not huge, but big enough that the walls have to be repaired and re-painted.
There's a pile of black stuff all over the driveway that I will have to clean.
I'm very disappointed. I thought she was better than that.
I seriously want to be able to make enough money that I can pay the bills myself instead of relying on rental income. Then I can take in who I want here. If I want to take someone in and not charge them rent, then I can; If I want to be extremely picky about who lives here, I can be.
I use to tell people that there weren't many rules here except for common sense type things like not tampering with safety equipment and general respect and cleanliness. I didn't realize that picking up garbage and not misusing things wasn't "common sense".
I didn't need them to be grateful. I just wanted them to treat what was given to them with respect and not continually demand more and more.
I wonder if God feels that way sometimes about us.
Physically I'm not feeling so great today. I want to call in sick, but I know that I'm not really sick enough to avoid work. The real reason is that I don't want to go in and deal with that manager tonight and I do want to work on getting my house cleaned up.
I'm trying to work on my attitude here, but I'm finding it tough. I'm tired.
I'm still thinking about the stalker and that other guy who STILL won't leave me alone. Argh.
I'm going to try to just live in the moment and work on things that way - get through it moment by moment and try not to miss the good stuff.
Left her garbage here. I can't afford to have it removed, but it must be done.
The beautiful two-thousand dollar carpet in her room is a mess. After she broke my vacuum, she never vacuumed her room again. That's a year and a half of NEVER vacuuming a white carpet.
There are gouges in the walls - not huge, but big enough that the walls have to be repaired and re-painted.
There's a pile of black stuff all over the driveway that I will have to clean.
I'm very disappointed. I thought she was better than that.
I seriously want to be able to make enough money that I can pay the bills myself instead of relying on rental income. Then I can take in who I want here. If I want to take someone in and not charge them rent, then I can; If I want to be extremely picky about who lives here, I can be.
I use to tell people that there weren't many rules here except for common sense type things like not tampering with safety equipment and general respect and cleanliness. I didn't realize that picking up garbage and not misusing things wasn't "common sense".
I didn't need them to be grateful. I just wanted them to treat what was given to them with respect and not continually demand more and more.
I wonder if God feels that way sometimes about us.
Physically I'm not feeling so great today. I want to call in sick, but I know that I'm not really sick enough to avoid work. The real reason is that I don't want to go in and deal with that manager tonight and I do want to work on getting my house cleaned up.
I'm trying to work on my attitude here, but I'm finding it tough. I'm tired.
I'm still thinking about the stalker and that other guy who STILL won't leave me alone. Argh.
I'm going to try to just live in the moment and work on things that way - get through it moment by moment and try not to miss the good stuff.
Run-of-the-mill
Not much to say tonight.
Worked hard, feeling very tired. Gotta work the night job tomorrow night and Sunday night, but at least can sleep in tomorrow - I hope.
Turns out that the person who let the water run all over my floor is the female tenant. She saw me cleaning it up, saw the damage, but didn't say a word.
She is moving out tomorrow.
The day job is suffering - a lot. I still haven't figured out how to manage everything on two hours sleep and 7 days a week of work. My body is not liking this at all.
Still, it beats giving up.
Thank you God for my sore feet and legs from all the working and standing and running around. It means I can walk.
Thank you God for my fatigue. It means that I have enough to do.
Thank you God that I am working two jobs. It means I'm doubly employed rather than unemployed.
Thank you God for the hydro bill. It means I had electricity in my home last month.
Thank you God for the mess outside and the animal fur all over the place. It means that I have these precious four-legged companions.
Thank you God for the laundry I have to do. It means that I have clothes to wear.
Thank you God for my son's shoes at the door that I keep tripping over. It means I have him and that he is safely at home.
*****
Two managers approached me tonight to warn me. They said the Wayward Manager is out to get me now. The way the one manager phrased it is, "Now she will kill you. Be careful."
Well... if she comes after me, it will be harder for her to focus on attacking Chitra.
Worked hard, feeling very tired. Gotta work the night job tomorrow night and Sunday night, but at least can sleep in tomorrow - I hope.
Turns out that the person who let the water run all over my floor is the female tenant. She saw me cleaning it up, saw the damage, but didn't say a word.
She is moving out tomorrow.
The day job is suffering - a lot. I still haven't figured out how to manage everything on two hours sleep and 7 days a week of work. My body is not liking this at all.
Still, it beats giving up.
Thank you God for my sore feet and legs from all the working and standing and running around. It means I can walk.
Thank you God for my fatigue. It means that I have enough to do.
Thank you God that I am working two jobs. It means I'm doubly employed rather than unemployed.
Thank you God for the hydro bill. It means I had electricity in my home last month.
Thank you God for the mess outside and the animal fur all over the place. It means that I have these precious four-legged companions.
Thank you God for the laundry I have to do. It means that I have clothes to wear.
Thank you God for my son's shoes at the door that I keep tripping over. It means I have him and that he is safely at home.
*****
Two managers approached me tonight to warn me. They said the Wayward Manager is out to get me now. The way the one manager phrased it is, "Now she will kill you. Be careful."
Well... if she comes after me, it will be harder for her to focus on attacking Chitra.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Freedom
Hi, everyone. :)
Long post tonight, but I think it's worth the read. (Of course I would say that, eh, given that I wrote it. :) )
I went to the night job during the day so I could get some time with the boss and hand in my written statement.
When I arrived I was surprised to see that her boss was there and his boss was there, too.
It was a little funny and a bit interesting because her boss didn't recognize me. He was giving me a look, a quizzical stare that said, "I know you but I can't figure out how I know you." I figured he didn't recognize me because I was all dressed up for the day job and he'd seen me wearing my silly little restaurant uniform with my hair stuffed up under the hat that goes with the uniform. I reminded him of the conversation we'd had before. He remembered it but was still looking at me funny.
I smiled to myself about that. I am the same person whether I'm dressed up or in a funny uniform or wearing my jeans. Yet even people who know I'm the same person sometimes respond very differently. I let that bounce around in my brain while I waited for the boss to come and see me.
Of course, the other staff saw me there talking to the boss, so there was some whispering going on. And then there were those who had to come and look, but pretend they weren't looking.
The boss wore no facial expression as she read my letter and statement.
hmmm... 'she's been here before', I thought.
She told me I did the right thing and that she wished more people would come to her with such documentation. She looked at the stack of documents I'd written and nodded her head and said, "This is excellent."
I was relieved.
She asked for my comments. I gave them, but was careful.
Before entering the building, I had taken a moment out in the parking lot to pray and ask God to help me to be fair and proper. I didn't really feel His presence during the meeting, but I did trust that He was there. It occurred to me that the fact that the other bosses happened to need to be there today anyway was a God set up.
I also told her about Chitra. I didn't tell everything, but did say enough to make it clear what kind of problem there was. I came right out and said that if she continued to schedule Chitra on the same shifts as this manager, we would lose Chitra and that would indeed be a loss.
She said she wouldn't be scheduling the two of them together anymore. I am feeling cautious relief about that.
But guess who IS going to be scheduled to work with this manager.... yep. Yours truly.
The boss said that she and her boss and his boss would deal with this manager. I know they dealt with her today.
So tonight we did work together - A lot of staff for the first several hours, but then at the end it was Chitra, The Wicked Step-Sister, The Wayward Manager, and me.
When I arrived for my shift, the manager stared icy darts at me.
I met her eyes and held the gaze, very conscious of my feelings, attitudes and facial expression. I was telling myself that neither fear nor guilt were allowed to enter my emotion, but neither were anger or defensiveness.
I got ready for my shift and punched in.
Immediately it started.
She started ordering me around. I don't care if she does that. What I did care about was that she was doing it incessantly and it was interfering with my ability to do the job I was supposed to be doing.
I thought, "Here we go."
Then I thought, "Wait... don't even think that, because you'll just be annoyed at every little part of her game. Don't play the game. Just don't play."
So I made a decision. I would do my job first and I would do everything I could to meet all of her demands without resentment or negative thought.
That is what I did.
I noticed something else, though. I noticed that she was pretty much on the warpath with everyone and they were getting frustrated and they were getting snippy with each other and with me.
I decided that I would forgive every snippy, negative, lousy thing from all of them - before they even did it. (remember the friend who came to my home who I was so rude to? She had forgiven me before I even did what I did. So I learned this from her.)
Forgiving them was very easy - especially once I could see what was really happening and understand where they were coming from. The hard part was not only to not allow myself to get sucked down or de-energized, but to keep myself up. After that, my task (self-assigned) was to try to help them emotionally. And I don't think that any of them were aware of the dynamics in the situation.
I forced myself to smile. Not a fake smile. I dug deep until I found the way of thinking, of feeling, of being, the sense of my self and the connectedness we all have with each other and God, and I was able to come out with genuine smiles for them. Genuine "please" and "thank you" and "hey, you do a good job with such-and-such" and "how are you".
That was kinda cool all by itself. But then...
Then something really cool happened.
Little by little, they got less snippy, a bit lighter, less wrapped up in their frustrations. Little by little, the smiles came. Then the laughter. Even the Wayward Manager was smiling (in between trying to stare me down).
The black cloud was starting to dissipate. (This took hours, but it was still happening)
By the way, I am NOT taking credit for this. This was God working with me; I just had to allow Him to do it (which is sometimes harder than it sounds - at least I think so anyway). I had to get myself out of my way; I had to get myself out of His way.
I continued to be kind and respectful to the Wayward Manager.
Her stares became different. She seemed confused, unsure of what to make of me in relation to her.
I observed that, thought it was interesting, and continued on.
Every time she went for Chitra, I got in the way - sometimes physically. It was obvious to both her and Chitra what I was doing, but I didn't care.
She laid off of Chitra. Chitra recognized this and got teary eyed and kept hugging me.
I think... I hope... that tonight Chitra saw and felt that she is loved.
Then something else cool happened.
I did something I didn't expect myself to do, but it just came out of me. I won't go into detail because this post is too long already, but I did something unusually nice and on a personal level for that guy - the psychopath brother (not sure if I told you, but he also just got hired where I work). Side note: I know that by telling that I did something good I take my own blessing away, but it's okay because I wasn't doing it to get a blessing anyway. Besides, I DID get an unexpected blessing from it. Cool how God multiplies these things....
That made the Wayward Manager even more confused and curious.
Finally she asked. "Why did you do that for him?"
I told her, "Because he is a human being. No matter what I think of him, he is still God's child."
That was an open door for me to explain to her that just because I dislike someone's behaviour, it doesn't mean that I dislike the person and it certainly doesn't mean that I wish anything bad for them.
That was it. That was the final piece for her to be able to look at me without strangling me with her eyes. I'm hoping that she saw that my reporting her wasn't about hatred, dislike or ill-will.
For the rest of the night I made an extra effort to show this woman that I DO care about her. I did it out of genuine care for her - not out of guilt or fear or "should's" or anything else.
That was freedom. Not just for me, but for all of us.
We got out of there on time. Unfortunately, she still asked an employee for a ride home. She's still not "getting" it, but at least she had enough within her to make some steps tonight, both as a manager and as a person.
Paul was right when he said, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
And I would say that before we struggle against these things as they impact other people, we must first struggle against them in and around ourselves. It's hard to fight when you're all bound up by your own crap.
Long post tonight, but I think it's worth the read. (Of course I would say that, eh, given that I wrote it. :) )
I went to the night job during the day so I could get some time with the boss and hand in my written statement.
When I arrived I was surprised to see that her boss was there and his boss was there, too.
It was a little funny and a bit interesting because her boss didn't recognize me. He was giving me a look, a quizzical stare that said, "I know you but I can't figure out how I know you." I figured he didn't recognize me because I was all dressed up for the day job and he'd seen me wearing my silly little restaurant uniform with my hair stuffed up under the hat that goes with the uniform. I reminded him of the conversation we'd had before. He remembered it but was still looking at me funny.
I smiled to myself about that. I am the same person whether I'm dressed up or in a funny uniform or wearing my jeans. Yet even people who know I'm the same person sometimes respond very differently. I let that bounce around in my brain while I waited for the boss to come and see me.
Of course, the other staff saw me there talking to the boss, so there was some whispering going on. And then there were those who had to come and look, but pretend they weren't looking.
The boss wore no facial expression as she read my letter and statement.
hmmm... 'she's been here before', I thought.
She told me I did the right thing and that she wished more people would come to her with such documentation. She looked at the stack of documents I'd written and nodded her head and said, "This is excellent."
I was relieved.
She asked for my comments. I gave them, but was careful.
Before entering the building, I had taken a moment out in the parking lot to pray and ask God to help me to be fair and proper. I didn't really feel His presence during the meeting, but I did trust that He was there. It occurred to me that the fact that the other bosses happened to need to be there today anyway was a God set up.
I also told her about Chitra. I didn't tell everything, but did say enough to make it clear what kind of problem there was. I came right out and said that if she continued to schedule Chitra on the same shifts as this manager, we would lose Chitra and that would indeed be a loss.
She said she wouldn't be scheduling the two of them together anymore. I am feeling cautious relief about that.
But guess who IS going to be scheduled to work with this manager.... yep. Yours truly.
The boss said that she and her boss and his boss would deal with this manager. I know they dealt with her today.
So tonight we did work together - A lot of staff for the first several hours, but then at the end it was Chitra, The Wicked Step-Sister, The Wayward Manager, and me.
When I arrived for my shift, the manager stared icy darts at me.
I met her eyes and held the gaze, very conscious of my feelings, attitudes and facial expression. I was telling myself that neither fear nor guilt were allowed to enter my emotion, but neither were anger or defensiveness.
I got ready for my shift and punched in.
Immediately it started.
She started ordering me around. I don't care if she does that. What I did care about was that she was doing it incessantly and it was interfering with my ability to do the job I was supposed to be doing.
I thought, "Here we go."
Then I thought, "Wait... don't even think that, because you'll just be annoyed at every little part of her game. Don't play the game. Just don't play."
So I made a decision. I would do my job first and I would do everything I could to meet all of her demands without resentment or negative thought.
That is what I did.
I noticed something else, though. I noticed that she was pretty much on the warpath with everyone and they were getting frustrated and they were getting snippy with each other and with me.
I decided that I would forgive every snippy, negative, lousy thing from all of them - before they even did it. (remember the friend who came to my home who I was so rude to? She had forgiven me before I even did what I did. So I learned this from her.)
Forgiving them was very easy - especially once I could see what was really happening and understand where they were coming from. The hard part was not only to not allow myself to get sucked down or de-energized, but to keep myself up. After that, my task (self-assigned) was to try to help them emotionally. And I don't think that any of them were aware of the dynamics in the situation.
I forced myself to smile. Not a fake smile. I dug deep until I found the way of thinking, of feeling, of being, the sense of my self and the connectedness we all have with each other and God, and I was able to come out with genuine smiles for them. Genuine "please" and "thank you" and "hey, you do a good job with such-and-such" and "how are you".
That was kinda cool all by itself. But then...
Then something really cool happened.
Little by little, they got less snippy, a bit lighter, less wrapped up in their frustrations. Little by little, the smiles came. Then the laughter. Even the Wayward Manager was smiling (in between trying to stare me down).
The black cloud was starting to dissipate. (This took hours, but it was still happening)
By the way, I am NOT taking credit for this. This was God working with me; I just had to allow Him to do it (which is sometimes harder than it sounds - at least I think so anyway). I had to get myself out of my way; I had to get myself out of His way.
I continued to be kind and respectful to the Wayward Manager.
Her stares became different. She seemed confused, unsure of what to make of me in relation to her.
I observed that, thought it was interesting, and continued on.
Every time she went for Chitra, I got in the way - sometimes physically. It was obvious to both her and Chitra what I was doing, but I didn't care.
She laid off of Chitra. Chitra recognized this and got teary eyed and kept hugging me.
I think... I hope... that tonight Chitra saw and felt that she is loved.
Then something else cool happened.
I did something I didn't expect myself to do, but it just came out of me. I won't go into detail because this post is too long already, but I did something unusually nice and on a personal level for that guy - the psychopath brother (not sure if I told you, but he also just got hired where I work). Side note: I know that by telling that I did something good I take my own blessing away, but it's okay because I wasn't doing it to get a blessing anyway. Besides, I DID get an unexpected blessing from it. Cool how God multiplies these things....
That made the Wayward Manager even more confused and curious.
Finally she asked. "Why did you do that for him?"
I told her, "Because he is a human being. No matter what I think of him, he is still God's child."
That was an open door for me to explain to her that just because I dislike someone's behaviour, it doesn't mean that I dislike the person and it certainly doesn't mean that I wish anything bad for them.
That was it. That was the final piece for her to be able to look at me without strangling me with her eyes. I'm hoping that she saw that my reporting her wasn't about hatred, dislike or ill-will.
For the rest of the night I made an extra effort to show this woman that I DO care about her. I did it out of genuine care for her - not out of guilt or fear or "should's" or anything else.
That was freedom. Not just for me, but for all of us.
We got out of there on time. Unfortunately, she still asked an employee for a ride home. She's still not "getting" it, but at least she had enough within her to make some steps tonight, both as a manager and as a person.
Paul was right when he said, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
And I would say that before we struggle against these things as they impact other people, we must first struggle against them in and around ourselves. It's hard to fight when you're all bound up by your own crap.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
No Time For Navel-Gazin'
I prepared my statement re the cash issues. I did all the background work to do what I could to ensure that innocent bystanders were protected from being unfairly drawn in or blamed. My statement and accompanying letter is such that it would hold up in a court.
When it comes to doing these sorts of things there are always concerns about being in trouble oneself for coming forward, you know, the shoot the messenger thing. There are concerns about being viewed or labelled as a trouble-maker or whiner. I've seen plenty of cases where a person who tells about wrongdoing ends up unemployed or harassed. Just like everyone else, all of those things crossed my mind. But I know that I know that I'm doing the right thing.
Funny thing about knowing what the right thing to do is..... once you know what it is, it's pretty much impossible NOT to do it.
Besides that, other people are going through so much right now that this is no time for me to be navel-gazing and pondering. I know who I am and I know what needs to be done. This is one of those times when one takes action (appropriately, of course).
I will be seeing the senior boss in person tomorrow.
Something else happened related to that. Last night, Chitra (remember - she's the one who faced that racist), was going to quit! That's a shocker.
The reason why? This same manager who is messing with the cash and who wants the rides home.
Because the cash was wrong so many times on Chitra's register, she is concerned that people will think that she is doing something wrong. I found out tonight that Chitra has been replacing shortfalls in the cash with money out of her own pocket.
That's not the only reason for her desire to quit, though. This manager treats Chitra like a servant, like less than a servant. She bullies and bosses and is very rude. Chitra always smiles and does what she's told, but inside she hurts. She's too nice to talk back.
I learned of this and approached Chitra and, without saying I knew anything, just mentioned to her that not only do I think she's a wonderful employee, but that everyone else knows it, too.
She burst into tears.
This is a strong, sweet, loving woman who never seems to get flustered. And here she was melting into a puddle before my eyes.
She let it all out. She told me everything (I already knew, but she thought no one knew). She begged me not to tell anyone how she was reacting.
I WANT to tell! I want to tell the senior boss how one of our very best employees has been abased and hurt so much. I want it to stop!
But I promised Chitra, so I won't tell. BUT I will do enough and tell enough to make sure that the senior boss finds out what's happening.
And I didn't tell Chitra this, but I told myself, and now you, that when that manager is working and Chitra is also working, I will be getting in the way. I will ensure that I put myself between Chitra and that manager and be as much of a buffer and protector as I can. You know... I don't think I'm capable of NOT doing that.
After Chitra and I talked, she came to me and threw her arms around me like a wounded child throws herself at her mother (Chitra is about 60 years old, by the way).
The other person who is suffering today is my male tenant. He's 24 years old and works hard for his minimum wage. His brother is the psychopath. His mother is a bit of a character and she self-medicates with alcohol, but she and this boy love each other dearly. There have been times in the past when this boy has worked to support his mom.
She is getting thrown out of where she lives. The reason - the psychopath son who keeps manipulating his way into "crashing" at her place when he's not supposed to be there.
Also, she has just been diagnosed with severe clinical depression. She's been on a couple of different medications with poor results. She's in no shape to work.
The boy (my tenant) came to me today. He was unusually nervous. He told me the whole story. Understand that this boy doesn't tell anyone anything. He's not a talker. He told me he doesn't know how long he can live here because he may have to take care of his mom. He likely won't be able to give me proper notice. That sucks big time for me because I need that notice and the income, but again, it's no time to be thinking about how it impacts me.
You know what he said? He said that he thinks that the reason his mother is depressed is partly because of his brother, but partly because of him because he didn't finish school and that disappointed her.
Hearing that made me want to cry.
I told him that it's true that circumstances can start someone down a road to depression, but that there are actual chemical changes that take place in the brain. I told him that he cannot fix what has happened to his mom and that it is not his fault she is suffering this. I don't think that really sunk in.
I pointed out to him that once again the responsibility fell on his shoulders alone to take care of everything. That seemed to hit a nerve with him, but he recovered enough to shrug his shoulders and pretend like it was all okay.
I wanted to hug him, but if I'd done that, I think he'd have fainted.
Thoughts of bringing the mother here are going through my head. I don't know if that's such a good idea.... but my heart wants so much to help these people.
If you can, if you can remember, when you pray, would you say a prayer for these people? For the woman I call Chitra, for this wayward manager, for the senior boss who has to deal with this, for my male tenant and his mom and even the psychopath brother.
I know that's a lot to ask. I will be praying for these people.
And God, thank you for showing me the way out of my negative and miserable attitude in time.
When it comes to doing these sorts of things there are always concerns about being in trouble oneself for coming forward, you know, the shoot the messenger thing. There are concerns about being viewed or labelled as a trouble-maker or whiner. I've seen plenty of cases where a person who tells about wrongdoing ends up unemployed or harassed. Just like everyone else, all of those things crossed my mind. But I know that I know that I'm doing the right thing.
Funny thing about knowing what the right thing to do is..... once you know what it is, it's pretty much impossible NOT to do it.
Besides that, other people are going through so much right now that this is no time for me to be navel-gazing and pondering. I know who I am and I know what needs to be done. This is one of those times when one takes action (appropriately, of course).
I will be seeing the senior boss in person tomorrow.
Something else happened related to that. Last night, Chitra (remember - she's the one who faced that racist), was going to quit! That's a shocker.
The reason why? This same manager who is messing with the cash and who wants the rides home.
Because the cash was wrong so many times on Chitra's register, she is concerned that people will think that she is doing something wrong. I found out tonight that Chitra has been replacing shortfalls in the cash with money out of her own pocket.
That's not the only reason for her desire to quit, though. This manager treats Chitra like a servant, like less than a servant. She bullies and bosses and is very rude. Chitra always smiles and does what she's told, but inside she hurts. She's too nice to talk back.
I learned of this and approached Chitra and, without saying I knew anything, just mentioned to her that not only do I think she's a wonderful employee, but that everyone else knows it, too.
She burst into tears.
This is a strong, sweet, loving woman who never seems to get flustered. And here she was melting into a puddle before my eyes.
She let it all out. She told me everything (I already knew, but she thought no one knew). She begged me not to tell anyone how she was reacting.
I WANT to tell! I want to tell the senior boss how one of our very best employees has been abased and hurt so much. I want it to stop!
But I promised Chitra, so I won't tell. BUT I will do enough and tell enough to make sure that the senior boss finds out what's happening.
And I didn't tell Chitra this, but I told myself, and now you, that when that manager is working and Chitra is also working, I will be getting in the way. I will ensure that I put myself between Chitra and that manager and be as much of a buffer and protector as I can. You know... I don't think I'm capable of NOT doing that.
After Chitra and I talked, she came to me and threw her arms around me like a wounded child throws herself at her mother (Chitra is about 60 years old, by the way).
The other person who is suffering today is my male tenant. He's 24 years old and works hard for his minimum wage. His brother is the psychopath. His mother is a bit of a character and she self-medicates with alcohol, but she and this boy love each other dearly. There have been times in the past when this boy has worked to support his mom.
She is getting thrown out of where she lives. The reason - the psychopath son who keeps manipulating his way into "crashing" at her place when he's not supposed to be there.
Also, she has just been diagnosed with severe clinical depression. She's been on a couple of different medications with poor results. She's in no shape to work.
The boy (my tenant) came to me today. He was unusually nervous. He told me the whole story. Understand that this boy doesn't tell anyone anything. He's not a talker. He told me he doesn't know how long he can live here because he may have to take care of his mom. He likely won't be able to give me proper notice. That sucks big time for me because I need that notice and the income, but again, it's no time to be thinking about how it impacts me.
You know what he said? He said that he thinks that the reason his mother is depressed is partly because of his brother, but partly because of him because he didn't finish school and that disappointed her.
Hearing that made me want to cry.
I told him that it's true that circumstances can start someone down a road to depression, but that there are actual chemical changes that take place in the brain. I told him that he cannot fix what has happened to his mom and that it is not his fault she is suffering this. I don't think that really sunk in.
I pointed out to him that once again the responsibility fell on his shoulders alone to take care of everything. That seemed to hit a nerve with him, but he recovered enough to shrug his shoulders and pretend like it was all okay.
I wanted to hug him, but if I'd done that, I think he'd have fainted.
Thoughts of bringing the mother here are going through my head. I don't know if that's such a good idea.... but my heart wants so much to help these people.
If you can, if you can remember, when you pray, would you say a prayer for these people? For the woman I call Chitra, for this wayward manager, for the senior boss who has to deal with this, for my male tenant and his mom and even the psychopath brother.
I know that's a lot to ask. I will be praying for these people.
And God, thank you for showing me the way out of my negative and miserable attitude in time.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Acceptance
What's happened to me? What have I allowed? How did I get so lost?
I never use to be so grouchy, so miserable.
Yes, I've always had rough edges to me, but wasn't harsh to people unnecessarily, was not snippy or petty.
I always accepted my circumstance and rose above it. Yes, I've had to fight and claw and suffer, but mentally I was always beyond it all. But that hasn't been the case for many weeks now.
I get annoyed - easily.
I raise my voice.
I fail to show compassion.
This has never been me, yet it must be a part of me because this is what I'm doing.
If I want to be dishonest with myself, I could say that it's because of my circumstance, because of sleep deprivation, because I'm sick and tired of being walked on. But that would only be a small part of the truth.
I've been in some horrific situations - far worse than this - yet did not develop a bad attitude. I never stopped being grateful. I never doubted my faith. People even thought I was weird because of it. So it's not just this situation. And I started down this road a long time ago.
I think part of it is a kind of pendulum swing, so to speak. Several years ago I failed God, myself, and an innocent life. Concurrent to that I also became terribly ill. I was so ashamed of my failure and my weakness that I could not even utter God's name. I didn't deserve to speak of Him, never mind speak to Him. I wouldn't dare cry to Him for help. Like Adam and Eve, I tried to hide myself from Him because I was so profoundly ashamed.
It's not that shame was anything new to me. I grew up being ashamed for everything, including being alive.
My sister was the instrument God used to get me back to Him. That is a whole other wonderful and miraculous story.
When I finally did dare to utter God's name, not because I was asking for help, but simply because I wanted to acknowledge Him, my physical healing progressed quickly (the prognosis was that I would never heal - but I was on my feet within months and completely healed within 5 years). The suffering over the loss of my child continues. It cuts as sharp today as it did on the day he died.
God went on to show me amazing things. He revealed to me my life's purpose and the reasons why I suffered all that I had. That's huge. There are people in this world who never find that, yet God just handed it to me one day.
I was obedient.
I have spent these last number of years trying to atone, trying to catch up, trying to undo that which cannot be undone. I have studied the Bible, talked to people, read Christian books, thought, and prayed. I wanted to be as good a person as I could. I wanted (and want to) be as good a daughter to Him as I possibly can.
Yes, I have learned some things. But I've messed up more than I've succeeded.
He told me to do the work that I do. So I did and have been. The fact remained that I still lived in this world and had to figure out how to start and run a business. So I asked people who supposedly knew what they were doing.
That was a mistake. I followed the wisdom of men right into big debt and a brick wall. The brick wall was that there are things that one is "supposed" to do in business that I simply cannot do if I'm to have integrity, if I'm to be able to say that this is God's work.
So I decided to listen to the wisdom of the Christian religion and Christian people.
That was a mistake. I ran around in circles, in confusion and I got very hurt. I think the Christian religion (or any religion for that matter) is still the wisdom of men. The wisdom of Christianity and the wisdom of Christ are two different things.
I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out because I see how, in spite of everything, God has continued to hold me up. No, I have not prospered, but neither have I perished.
I like to talk about God. I like to learn about Him. I want more than to know His ways; I want to understand. There's something in the understanding that words are not sufficient for. There's a thing, a knowing deep down inside of an inarticulatable truth. (yeah, yeah, I just made up the word "inarticulatable" - but hey, it works)
It is there where I must go once again.
The fight is as much internal as external - perhaps more so.
I AM good - not in the way that God is good, but good enough. I can stop trying now and just start being.
The Holy Spirit is in me. By trying too hard I actually cover Him up, I unwittingly cover that Light.
I must be good enough. It's not that I accepted Him, but that He accepted me that makes it so.
I never use to be so grouchy, so miserable.
Yes, I've always had rough edges to me, but wasn't harsh to people unnecessarily, was not snippy or petty.
I always accepted my circumstance and rose above it. Yes, I've had to fight and claw and suffer, but mentally I was always beyond it all. But that hasn't been the case for many weeks now.
I get annoyed - easily.
I raise my voice.
I fail to show compassion.
This has never been me, yet it must be a part of me because this is what I'm doing.
If I want to be dishonest with myself, I could say that it's because of my circumstance, because of sleep deprivation, because I'm sick and tired of being walked on. But that would only be a small part of the truth.
I've been in some horrific situations - far worse than this - yet did not develop a bad attitude. I never stopped being grateful. I never doubted my faith. People even thought I was weird because of it. So it's not just this situation. And I started down this road a long time ago.
I think part of it is a kind of pendulum swing, so to speak. Several years ago I failed God, myself, and an innocent life. Concurrent to that I also became terribly ill. I was so ashamed of my failure and my weakness that I could not even utter God's name. I didn't deserve to speak of Him, never mind speak to Him. I wouldn't dare cry to Him for help. Like Adam and Eve, I tried to hide myself from Him because I was so profoundly ashamed.
It's not that shame was anything new to me. I grew up being ashamed for everything, including being alive.
My sister was the instrument God used to get me back to Him. That is a whole other wonderful and miraculous story.
When I finally did dare to utter God's name, not because I was asking for help, but simply because I wanted to acknowledge Him, my physical healing progressed quickly (the prognosis was that I would never heal - but I was on my feet within months and completely healed within 5 years). The suffering over the loss of my child continues. It cuts as sharp today as it did on the day he died.
God went on to show me amazing things. He revealed to me my life's purpose and the reasons why I suffered all that I had. That's huge. There are people in this world who never find that, yet God just handed it to me one day.
I was obedient.
I have spent these last number of years trying to atone, trying to catch up, trying to undo that which cannot be undone. I have studied the Bible, talked to people, read Christian books, thought, and prayed. I wanted to be as good a person as I could. I wanted (and want to) be as good a daughter to Him as I possibly can.
Yes, I have learned some things. But I've messed up more than I've succeeded.
He told me to do the work that I do. So I did and have been. The fact remained that I still lived in this world and had to figure out how to start and run a business. So I asked people who supposedly knew what they were doing.
That was a mistake. I followed the wisdom of men right into big debt and a brick wall. The brick wall was that there are things that one is "supposed" to do in business that I simply cannot do if I'm to have integrity, if I'm to be able to say that this is God's work.
So I decided to listen to the wisdom of the Christian religion and Christian people.
That was a mistake. I ran around in circles, in confusion and I got very hurt. I think the Christian religion (or any religion for that matter) is still the wisdom of men. The wisdom of Christianity and the wisdom of Christ are two different things.
I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out because I see how, in spite of everything, God has continued to hold me up. No, I have not prospered, but neither have I perished.
I like to talk about God. I like to learn about Him. I want more than to know His ways; I want to understand. There's something in the understanding that words are not sufficient for. There's a thing, a knowing deep down inside of an inarticulatable truth. (yeah, yeah, I just made up the word "inarticulatable" - but hey, it works)
It is there where I must go once again.
The fight is as much internal as external - perhaps more so.
I AM good - not in the way that God is good, but good enough. I can stop trying now and just start being.
The Holy Spirit is in me. By trying too hard I actually cover Him up, I unwittingly cover that Light.
I must be good enough. It's not that I accepted Him, but that He accepted me that makes it so.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
The Kitchen
I went downstairs and found water all over the kitchen floor.
I looked for the source of the water.
I found towels and mats on the floor, all sopping wet. Clearly, at least one of the tenants knew about this water but failed to tell me about it.
Did no one learn from the bathroom fiasco? Or is it that nobody cares because they don't have to pay for the consequences?
The water is from the downstairs fridge. Someone decided to defrost the freezer but failed to stick around to drain it or clean up.
I picked up the sopping towels. The floor tiles came up with the towels. The wood underneath the tiles was saturated so much so that it is buckled and pieces of it are crumbling apart like wet cardboard.
This water has obviously been there for some time.
A large area of floor is affected.
I started to try to clean it.
I could barely move because of all the crap crammed in there.
I sat on the floor and cried.
Why?
I'm doing everything I possibly can to claw myself out of this hole but all the while somebody keeps dumping more dirt on my head.
I looked for the source of the water.
I found towels and mats on the floor, all sopping wet. Clearly, at least one of the tenants knew about this water but failed to tell me about it.
Did no one learn from the bathroom fiasco? Or is it that nobody cares because they don't have to pay for the consequences?
The water is from the downstairs fridge. Someone decided to defrost the freezer but failed to stick around to drain it or clean up.
I picked up the sopping towels. The floor tiles came up with the towels. The wood underneath the tiles was saturated so much so that it is buckled and pieces of it are crumbling apart like wet cardboard.
This water has obviously been there for some time.
A large area of floor is affected.
I started to try to clean it.
I could barely move because of all the crap crammed in there.
I sat on the floor and cried.
Why?
I'm doing everything I possibly can to claw myself out of this hole but all the while somebody keeps dumping more dirt on my head.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Chaos
Tonight I didn't have to work the night job. I was looking forward to getting a whole night's sleep. I got ready for bed, went to bed, was drifting off...
and there's chaos in my house.
I'm already stressed out because my stalker was at my house tonight (the really dangerous one; the one whose been stalking me for six years now). He is unusually agitated. I'm hyper-aware of every bump or noise. Every time the dogs bark or there is a loud noise in the house, I'm jumping out of my skin.
So I'm actually falling asleep in spite of everything and I hear booming, then banging, then screaming.
I leap from my bed.
Then I hear raucous laughter.
I go back to bed but the racket continues.
I know I'm not the only one trying to sleep. It's after 11pm and I know that my female tenant is downstairs trying to sleep. She also has to get up early for work.
I went downstairs and, in a raised voice that wasn't quite yelling, I said, "It's eleven o'clock on a worknight. What is going on?! Who is screaming?"
Guess who was screaming. .... There was a child in my house. If I had known that, I wouldn't have spoken in that tone. It was the child who was screaming.
Guess whose child it was.... It was the child of one of the managers at my night job. She was here, too. (She's having an affair with the male tenant downstairs)
Great.
She started apologizing and was making like she was going to leave. I told her she could stay but that they had to be quiet enough that people could sleep.
I turn around and guess who else was there... oh it was a regular flippin' reunion... The brother of my male tenant, who in the past tried to rent from me and I refused him because he was heavy into drugs and other criminal activity and had been kicked out of place after place. After I refused him, he called me repeatedly and tried every angle and every scam he could to convince me to change my mind.
Last week, my male tenant announced to me (at midnight, while I was at work) that his brother was staying the night because he had no other place to go. I didn't really have a choice there unless I wanted to throw the guy out at 3am when I got home. I was not impressed. I told the tenant one night and that was it.
The next day, the guy tried to con and cajole me into letting him stay again. I said no.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm a sucker for a sob story, but let me tell ya', this one is no sob story. This guy is homeless because he victimizes people wherever he goes. He's a fire-setter, scammer, druggie... all sorts of things.. and feels no remorse whatsoever for anything he does to people. I'm not letting him stay one room away from my single female tenant who so incredibly oblivious and stupid when it comes to these things that it's phenomenal. This woman would hand a class of preschoolers over to a pedophile and then say, "But he promised he would be good."
Anyway.. this psychopath guy is not welcome to stay in my home. And no, I don't even give a crap if everyone thinks I'm mean for it.
So that guy called me at work the other day with the sob story about how he would have to sleep in the snow if I didn't do something for him. He just had nowhere to go, no one on this planet would help him. He would suffer and die if I didn't help him.
Of course this is after he sat on his duff at my house all day long playing video games, eating his brother's food, workin' the charm on the oblivious female tenant, and not lifting a finger to try to help himself or find a place when he knew he would need it.
My response was to give him the number for Victim Services and tell him to get in touch with Mission Services for shelter and help with a longer term plan. He did call those places. I guess those places have some rules, though. Miraculously the guy found a friend who he could stay with.
So tonight I find him in my home after 11pm. I was ticked.
I told him he wasn't staying here. You know, he had the gall to argue with me?! He told me his brother was leaving for the night and had told him that he could crash in his room.
I told him it was my house and I say who gets to sleep here and who doesn't. I told him his brother had no authority to invite someone to stay in this house when he wasn't here. I told him that he could march his butt (actually used a different word....) down to the hospital and cry to them for a place to stay, but he wasn't staying here.
So will I be able to sleep? No. I will be up to ensure that he leaves. If he doesn't, I will be up waiting for the police, because I will call them if I need to.
I will be listening for every noise, every door opening... is he sneaking back in? Is he mad because I refused him and now going to set my house on fire? Is my car safe? Are my pets safe? Is it my stalker breaking in to kill me?
I WANT MY HOUSE BACK!!!!
I want my home back. I want to be safe. I want to be able to earn enough to pay the bills and eat and go to sleep. I want to not have to pick up after everyone, to argue about noise and garbage and safety and every electrical appliance you can imagine being left on all the time. I don't want to keep replacing walls and carpets and floors and bathrooms because other people destroy them.
I'm not asking to be rich. I just want to be okay.
God, please... give me back my home and give me my safety.
and there's chaos in my house.
I'm already stressed out because my stalker was at my house tonight (the really dangerous one; the one whose been stalking me for six years now). He is unusually agitated. I'm hyper-aware of every bump or noise. Every time the dogs bark or there is a loud noise in the house, I'm jumping out of my skin.
So I'm actually falling asleep in spite of everything and I hear booming, then banging, then screaming.
I leap from my bed.
Then I hear raucous laughter.
I go back to bed but the racket continues.
I know I'm not the only one trying to sleep. It's after 11pm and I know that my female tenant is downstairs trying to sleep. She also has to get up early for work.
I went downstairs and, in a raised voice that wasn't quite yelling, I said, "It's eleven o'clock on a worknight. What is going on?! Who is screaming?"
Guess who was screaming. .... There was a child in my house. If I had known that, I wouldn't have spoken in that tone. It was the child who was screaming.
Guess whose child it was.... It was the child of one of the managers at my night job. She was here, too. (She's having an affair with the male tenant downstairs)
Great.
She started apologizing and was making like she was going to leave. I told her she could stay but that they had to be quiet enough that people could sleep.
I turn around and guess who else was there... oh it was a regular flippin' reunion... The brother of my male tenant, who in the past tried to rent from me and I refused him because he was heavy into drugs and other criminal activity and had been kicked out of place after place. After I refused him, he called me repeatedly and tried every angle and every scam he could to convince me to change my mind.
Last week, my male tenant announced to me (at midnight, while I was at work) that his brother was staying the night because he had no other place to go. I didn't really have a choice there unless I wanted to throw the guy out at 3am when I got home. I was not impressed. I told the tenant one night and that was it.
The next day, the guy tried to con and cajole me into letting him stay again. I said no.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm a sucker for a sob story, but let me tell ya', this one is no sob story. This guy is homeless because he victimizes people wherever he goes. He's a fire-setter, scammer, druggie... all sorts of things.. and feels no remorse whatsoever for anything he does to people. I'm not letting him stay one room away from my single female tenant who so incredibly oblivious and stupid when it comes to these things that it's phenomenal. This woman would hand a class of preschoolers over to a pedophile and then say, "But he promised he would be good."
Anyway.. this psychopath guy is not welcome to stay in my home. And no, I don't even give a crap if everyone thinks I'm mean for it.
So that guy called me at work the other day with the sob story about how he would have to sleep in the snow if I didn't do something for him. He just had nowhere to go, no one on this planet would help him. He would suffer and die if I didn't help him.
Of course this is after he sat on his duff at my house all day long playing video games, eating his brother's food, workin' the charm on the oblivious female tenant, and not lifting a finger to try to help himself or find a place when he knew he would need it.
My response was to give him the number for Victim Services and tell him to get in touch with Mission Services for shelter and help with a longer term plan. He did call those places. I guess those places have some rules, though. Miraculously the guy found a friend who he could stay with.
So tonight I find him in my home after 11pm. I was ticked.
I told him he wasn't staying here. You know, he had the gall to argue with me?! He told me his brother was leaving for the night and had told him that he could crash in his room.
I told him it was my house and I say who gets to sleep here and who doesn't. I told him his brother had no authority to invite someone to stay in this house when he wasn't here. I told him that he could march his butt (actually used a different word....) down to the hospital and cry to them for a place to stay, but he wasn't staying here.
So will I be able to sleep? No. I will be up to ensure that he leaves. If he doesn't, I will be up waiting for the police, because I will call them if I need to.
I will be listening for every noise, every door opening... is he sneaking back in? Is he mad because I refused him and now going to set my house on fire? Is my car safe? Are my pets safe? Is it my stalker breaking in to kill me?
I WANT MY HOUSE BACK!!!!
I want my home back. I want to be safe. I want to be able to earn enough to pay the bills and eat and go to sleep. I want to not have to pick up after everyone, to argue about noise and garbage and safety and every electrical appliance you can imagine being left on all the time. I don't want to keep replacing walls and carpets and floors and bathrooms because other people destroy them.
I'm not asking to be rich. I just want to be okay.
God, please... give me back my home and give me my safety.
On The Surface
This is a long haul. I knew it would be. I thought I would become accustomed to it, adjust.... In some ways I have. I still say I wouldn't have been able to come this far without God's help.
But in other ways, things are piling up and the sleep deprivation and lack of time are catching up to me. What I could force myself to do before, I can no longer. My body will not comply.
I thought that I could do this for a time and, in the meantime, build up a real means of income through the business. I am having trouble doing much of anything. I have no physical or mental energy. I have no time. I need funding for basics. I need help but had to let my assistant go due to financial constraints.
I do things as I believe I'm directed. What's happened is that instead of success in the way I've expected, I've discovered things... things are being revealed. Negative things, disappointing things. And sometimes in relation to my own brothers and sisters in Christ. That one saddens me the most.
I'm not talking about the horrific. Sadly, that stuff doesn't shock me; I see the really bad stuff long before most others and can avoid it and protect. I'm talking about other things that aren't as bad, but still hurt people. I'm talking about things such as lying and stealing, cheating, manipulating and then not calling those things for what they are but calling them "good" or "okay" or making excuses like "everyone does it" or "that's just the way the world works".
I dislike fake people. There's a difference between trying to be "good" or nice or giving because you want to do what's right or want to change something about yourself and being "good" because you want power or want people to think highly of you.
I shake my head. The majority of people are not smart enough to pull that off anyway.
Just like most other people, I want to believe that what I'm seeing with my eyes is true, that how people present themselves is how they really are. Just because we want to believe something doesn't make it so.
We've all met people who are the type who "call it like it is" (really they're calling it how they think it is, which is not always like it really is) or who are a bit brash, vocal... you know the type. It can be really annoying, but at least it's honest. I'd rather deal with that than someone who smiles in your face while they twist the knife or poison your meal.
So maybe there's more meaning to my circumstance than simply what I learn or simply trying to save my home. And maybe it's not all happy pretty stuff, like interacting with that teenage boy who wants to make something of himself and get out of the ghetto.
There is ugly stuff. Stuff that was hidden but is being revealed. This isn't new to me; It's part of what I do and who I am - my calling. It's just that usually I'm actually looking for it and this time (and one other time recently), I wasn't. That wasn't part of what I thought my role was. But the job description given by a corporation is not always the same as the job description given by our Father. Even though I know this, I failed to acknowledge it.
By the way, as I'd suspected, the problems at the night job are deeper and more widespread than what they initially appeared.
The other difference is that when I go looking to correct or protect people from the ugly stuff, I'm generally in a position of power. This time I'm in a position of no power.
Some time ago, God made it crystal clear to me to do the kind of work that I do. So I did and have continued. I thought that in the night job I would be merely flipping burgers and scrubbing toilets, that I was not doing anything related to my calling, but that's only what's on the surface....
But in other ways, things are piling up and the sleep deprivation and lack of time are catching up to me. What I could force myself to do before, I can no longer. My body will not comply.
I thought that I could do this for a time and, in the meantime, build up a real means of income through the business. I am having trouble doing much of anything. I have no physical or mental energy. I have no time. I need funding for basics. I need help but had to let my assistant go due to financial constraints.
I do things as I believe I'm directed. What's happened is that instead of success in the way I've expected, I've discovered things... things are being revealed. Negative things, disappointing things. And sometimes in relation to my own brothers and sisters in Christ. That one saddens me the most.
I'm not talking about the horrific. Sadly, that stuff doesn't shock me; I see the really bad stuff long before most others and can avoid it and protect. I'm talking about other things that aren't as bad, but still hurt people. I'm talking about things such as lying and stealing, cheating, manipulating and then not calling those things for what they are but calling them "good" or "okay" or making excuses like "everyone does it" or "that's just the way the world works".
I dislike fake people. There's a difference between trying to be "good" or nice or giving because you want to do what's right or want to change something about yourself and being "good" because you want power or want people to think highly of you.
I shake my head. The majority of people are not smart enough to pull that off anyway.
Just like most other people, I want to believe that what I'm seeing with my eyes is true, that how people present themselves is how they really are. Just because we want to believe something doesn't make it so.
We've all met people who are the type who "call it like it is" (really they're calling it how they think it is, which is not always like it really is) or who are a bit brash, vocal... you know the type. It can be really annoying, but at least it's honest. I'd rather deal with that than someone who smiles in your face while they twist the knife or poison your meal.
So maybe there's more meaning to my circumstance than simply what I learn or simply trying to save my home. And maybe it's not all happy pretty stuff, like interacting with that teenage boy who wants to make something of himself and get out of the ghetto.
There is ugly stuff. Stuff that was hidden but is being revealed. This isn't new to me; It's part of what I do and who I am - my calling. It's just that usually I'm actually looking for it and this time (and one other time recently), I wasn't. That wasn't part of what I thought my role was. But the job description given by a corporation is not always the same as the job description given by our Father. Even though I know this, I failed to acknowledge it.
By the way, as I'd suspected, the problems at the night job are deeper and more widespread than what they initially appeared.
The other difference is that when I go looking to correct or protect people from the ugly stuff, I'm generally in a position of power. This time I'm in a position of no power.
Some time ago, God made it crystal clear to me to do the kind of work that I do. So I did and have continued. I thought that in the night job I would be merely flipping burgers and scrubbing toilets, that I was not doing anything related to my calling, but that's only what's on the surface....
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Follow-Up
Tonight I decided that I would follow up on the cash drawer issue right away instead of waiting. I spoke to another manager about it. Her reaction was very different from the last one. She immediately recognized the seriousness of tampering with the cash procedure, the seriousness of forging a signature and falsifying the paperwork. She told me I had to give a written statement.
That makes perfect sense to me.
I will try to do that tomorrow before I have to go into work.
I've also decided that I'm going to ask the manager that I spoke to first to please wait until the senior boss decides how to proceed before tipping off the manager who has done the forgeries.
I suspect that mine is not the only signature being forged. I suspect that if this is investigated properly there will be some things uncovered.
So I'm praying for protection for those who have not tampered with cash or signatures, praying for protection for all who tell the truth, and praying that the truth - the real truth without tainting by bias or hidden agendas - be revealed.
I'm actually hoping that this manager does not lose her job over this. I'm hoping for rehabilitation. Having said that, I know that if this was one of my own staff they'd be fired immediately... so whatever management decides to do with her is not for me to judge.
There... I said that out loud (well, out loud as can be in blog-land). But I won't know what I think until things unfold. (Not sure if that made sense... It's late :) )
Did a whole lot of snow shovelling today.
Checked my car; It seems to be okay. ... oh, yeah... forgot to mention I got into a car accident last night. I'm okay, though so no biggie.
Funny thing - that broken-back feeling came back after the accident. I was able to pray it away, though. I know it sounds weird, but there's something to that.
That makes perfect sense to me.
I will try to do that tomorrow before I have to go into work.
I've also decided that I'm going to ask the manager that I spoke to first to please wait until the senior boss decides how to proceed before tipping off the manager who has done the forgeries.
I suspect that mine is not the only signature being forged. I suspect that if this is investigated properly there will be some things uncovered.
So I'm praying for protection for those who have not tampered with cash or signatures, praying for protection for all who tell the truth, and praying that the truth - the real truth without tainting by bias or hidden agendas - be revealed.
I'm actually hoping that this manager does not lose her job over this. I'm hoping for rehabilitation. Having said that, I know that if this was one of my own staff they'd be fired immediately... so whatever management decides to do with her is not for me to judge.
There... I said that out loud (well, out loud as can be in blog-land). But I won't know what I think until things unfold. (Not sure if that made sense... It's late :) )
Did a whole lot of snow shovelling today.
Checked my car; It seems to be okay. ... oh, yeah... forgot to mention I got into a car accident last night. I'm okay, though so no biggie.
Funny thing - that broken-back feeling came back after the accident. I was able to pray it away, though. I know it sounds weird, but there's something to that.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Friday/Saturday
I tried something different. I figured that since I end up falling asleep at my desk so often and am not being very productive due to extreme fatigue, that I might as well stay up after I work the night job and start work on the day job straight away.
The first couple of hours were okay. By 9:30 am I was pretty much a basket case. I still managed to get in seven hours of work. The problem is that if I stay up, by the time I can make phone calls or visits or run errands, I'm useless. So that's not going to work.
I did, however get 3 hours sleep in a row. That seemed to make a difference tonight.
I'll get this figured out... I hope.
I spoke to management about the cash drawer issue. The manager I spoke with pulled up last night's paperwork. Surprise surprise, my initials had been forged.
The manager tonight seemed to want to make excuses for the other manager and doesn't seem keen on telling anyone more senior. I see this sort of thing in the day job all of the time - where front line staff actually have the guts to speak up but middle management is too uncomfortable to take it any further. If the bosses don't know about things they cannot deal with them.
I will wait to see what, if anything, happens and then follow up. At this point the senior managers don't realize that it's not my signature on those documents.
Crazy - You know, I've found the business world to be just as awful and mean as the criminal world, and sometimes more so. It's not a big surprise, but it is disappointing. I've fired people for much less than this.
The first couple of hours were okay. By 9:30 am I was pretty much a basket case. I still managed to get in seven hours of work. The problem is that if I stay up, by the time I can make phone calls or visits or run errands, I'm useless. So that's not going to work.
I did, however get 3 hours sleep in a row. That seemed to make a difference tonight.
I'll get this figured out... I hope.
I spoke to management about the cash drawer issue. The manager I spoke with pulled up last night's paperwork. Surprise surprise, my initials had been forged.
The manager tonight seemed to want to make excuses for the other manager and doesn't seem keen on telling anyone more senior. I see this sort of thing in the day job all of the time - where front line staff actually have the guts to speak up but middle management is too uncomfortable to take it any further. If the bosses don't know about things they cannot deal with them.
I will wait to see what, if anything, happens and then follow up. At this point the senior managers don't realize that it's not my signature on those documents.
Crazy - You know, I've found the business world to be just as awful and mean as the criminal world, and sometimes more so. It's not a big surprise, but it is disappointing. I've fired people for much less than this.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Cash Drawer
Well, I managed to get through the whole night without being snippy with anyone. whew!
At one point I did speak in a firm tone (but was still polite enough) to that manager who wants the rides home (and she didn't even try that again tonight).
Something's not right with the cash drawer. Maybe it's nothing, but I know better than to ignore this, so am watching.... Let me explain:
Before a staff takes over a cash register, the staff and the manager count what's in the drawer - together.
Then the staff signs off to say that the amount recorded and the actual amount of cash in the drawer match.
Then at the end of the shift, the manager and staff once again count the money together.
Overages or shortages are calculated,
voids are recorded,
and the staff signs off again to say that the counts are all accurate.
If a cashier is short more than $6, disciplinary action will be taken.
If a cashier has too many voids (it's a percentage, so that could mean as little as one void), then she or he is in trouble. (This means if a customer changes his mind about an order, if the change is significant enough, the cashier can get in trouble - sucks, but that's the way it is).
So that's the way it's supposed to go.
The first night on cash with this particular manager (the one who wants the rides), she told me I HAD to sign the ledger even though I hadn't seen the count. I was very uncomfortable about initialing anything I hadn't verified myself. I said as much and she was not happy about that.
The second night on cash with this manager, my drawer was $8 short at the beginning, before I even touched it.
Another manager caught this and told me not to trust the manager's count and to refuse to sign if it's not right. I would have been in trouble because of the first manager if the second one hadn't been wise to what was happening. I told the second manager about being ordered to sign off on another night when I was uncomfortable. She nodded and told me not to trust.
Another night when I was on cash, the same manager (the ride home one) told me she'd counted my cash and wanted me to sign off. I told her that I wanted to follow procedure and count it together.
She said, "Don't you trust me?" (That's a trick used by criminals, so the alarm bells went off in my head even louder.)
I said, "I need to learn to do things properly, so maybe you could help me learn by doing the count together with me."
We counted it - twice. The cash was $48 short!
But you know what she did?! She stated a number that was different from what we'd just counted! As if I wouldn't notice?
I said, "No." and said the correct number.
She said, "Yes, the guy before you is $8 short." (That wasn't right, either.)
I said nothing. I signed off on the correct amount that was in the drawer.
Later she came over and used my register and made a huge void. That's her void under my name.
At the end of the night, she didn't ask me to sign off on what was in the drawer. She should have got a number of signatures from me, but did not. I've been waiting for a more senior manager to say something to me or ask me about it, but have heard nothing. I don't know what happened with that cash total or that paperwork for that night.
Tonight, the same manager put me on cash, but didn't even count the cash in the drawer and didn't ask me to sign anything. Then partway through the night she tried to make a void on my cash register. I told her no, to go use another register. (This is what I mean when I said I got firm tonight.) She tried again. Again I said, "No." She was really ticked off and started mocking me. I said I wasn't trying to be rude, but still she couldn't do that on my register.
At the end of the night I didn't see her do a count and again I was not asked to sign anything.
I wondered if she's forging my signature? Coming up with an excuse as to why the paperwork isn't signed? What's going on here?
The signs are there that things are not right. I think I need to mention the situation to a more senior manager. This situation needs to be at least watched if not looked into further.
At one point I did speak in a firm tone (but was still polite enough) to that manager who wants the rides home (and she didn't even try that again tonight).
Something's not right with the cash drawer. Maybe it's nothing, but I know better than to ignore this, so am watching.... Let me explain:
Before a staff takes over a cash register, the staff and the manager count what's in the drawer - together.
Then the staff signs off to say that the amount recorded and the actual amount of cash in the drawer match.
Then at the end of the shift, the manager and staff once again count the money together.
Overages or shortages are calculated,
voids are recorded,
and the staff signs off again to say that the counts are all accurate.
If a cashier is short more than $6, disciplinary action will be taken.
If a cashier has too many voids (it's a percentage, so that could mean as little as one void), then she or he is in trouble. (This means if a customer changes his mind about an order, if the change is significant enough, the cashier can get in trouble - sucks, but that's the way it is).
So that's the way it's supposed to go.
The first night on cash with this particular manager (the one who wants the rides), she told me I HAD to sign the ledger even though I hadn't seen the count. I was very uncomfortable about initialing anything I hadn't verified myself. I said as much and she was not happy about that.
The second night on cash with this manager, my drawer was $8 short at the beginning, before I even touched it.
Another manager caught this and told me not to trust the manager's count and to refuse to sign if it's not right. I would have been in trouble because of the first manager if the second one hadn't been wise to what was happening. I told the second manager about being ordered to sign off on another night when I was uncomfortable. She nodded and told me not to trust.
Another night when I was on cash, the same manager (the ride home one) told me she'd counted my cash and wanted me to sign off. I told her that I wanted to follow procedure and count it together.
She said, "Don't you trust me?" (That's a trick used by criminals, so the alarm bells went off in my head even louder.)
I said, "I need to learn to do things properly, so maybe you could help me learn by doing the count together with me."
We counted it - twice. The cash was $48 short!
But you know what she did?! She stated a number that was different from what we'd just counted! As if I wouldn't notice?
I said, "No." and said the correct number.
She said, "Yes, the guy before you is $8 short." (That wasn't right, either.)
I said nothing. I signed off on the correct amount that was in the drawer.
Later she came over and used my register and made a huge void. That's her void under my name.
At the end of the night, she didn't ask me to sign off on what was in the drawer. She should have got a number of signatures from me, but did not. I've been waiting for a more senior manager to say something to me or ask me about it, but have heard nothing. I don't know what happened with that cash total or that paperwork for that night.
Tonight, the same manager put me on cash, but didn't even count the cash in the drawer and didn't ask me to sign anything. Then partway through the night she tried to make a void on my cash register. I told her no, to go use another register. (This is what I mean when I said I got firm tonight.) She tried again. Again I said, "No." She was really ticked off and started mocking me. I said I wasn't trying to be rude, but still she couldn't do that on my register.
At the end of the night I didn't see her do a count and again I was not asked to sign anything.
I wondered if she's forging my signature? Coming up with an excuse as to why the paperwork isn't signed? What's going on here?
The signs are there that things are not right. I think I need to mention the situation to a more senior manager. This situation needs to be at least watched if not looked into further.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Cranky
I'm feeling very cranky and I don't know why.
Maybe it's that I've crunched some numbers and found that I'm still short $2608.00 every month.
Maybe it's because my body is soo tired all of the time and I'm tired of being tired.
I know I'm mad at myself today for falling asleep this morning and messing up my day - nothing accomplished. And I have to go to work at the other job and am now rushing around (don't like rushing, but it's all I seem to do anymore).
Maybe it's because I don't have time to do any of the things I need to do to take care of things around the house.
Maybe it's because... oh, the list goes on...
Maybe it just doesn't matter why I feel this way. The bottom line is that this is the way I feel and I've simply got to deal with it.
You see, when I'm feeling crusty or cranky I still don't think it's right or fair for anyone else to suffer for that - but it is harder to be patient, to be reasonable, to act out of love rather than how I feel at the moment.
But at least I'm aware of this. That means I can make a choice. I can make a conscious and concerted effort to act like a human being (instead of a bear - although sometimes I think bears are nicer than people - that's another conversation....).
Yes, everyone knows how I acted with the neighbour and my friend that day a few weeks ago... I'm not saying I'm always successful here :) But that was not the norm for me.
So today I will pray for the Holy Spirit to be very present in me, that He will help me to be Christlike instead of like myself. In the end, though, that is more like me than not because the Holy Spirit IS in me, is a part of who I am.
I also know that if I try on my own to be "nice" that I'll fail or come out with some mixed up version of what that is. I know that it will be Jesus who inspires and helps me.
Hey... what do you suppose Jesus would have done with the gossiping situation last night?
Maybe it's that I've crunched some numbers and found that I'm still short $2608.00 every month.
Maybe it's because my body is soo tired all of the time and I'm tired of being tired.
I know I'm mad at myself today for falling asleep this morning and messing up my day - nothing accomplished. And I have to go to work at the other job and am now rushing around (don't like rushing, but it's all I seem to do anymore).
Maybe it's because I don't have time to do any of the things I need to do to take care of things around the house.
Maybe it's because... oh, the list goes on...
Maybe it just doesn't matter why I feel this way. The bottom line is that this is the way I feel and I've simply got to deal with it.
You see, when I'm feeling crusty or cranky I still don't think it's right or fair for anyone else to suffer for that - but it is harder to be patient, to be reasonable, to act out of love rather than how I feel at the moment.
But at least I'm aware of this. That means I can make a choice. I can make a conscious and concerted effort to act like a human being (instead of a bear - although sometimes I think bears are nicer than people - that's another conversation....).
Yes, everyone knows how I acted with the neighbour and my friend that day a few weeks ago... I'm not saying I'm always successful here :) But that was not the norm for me.
So today I will pray for the Holy Spirit to be very present in me, that He will help me to be Christlike instead of like myself. In the end, though, that is more like me than not because the Holy Spirit IS in me, is a part of who I am.
I also know that if I try on my own to be "nice" that I'll fail or come out with some mixed up version of what that is. I know that it will be Jesus who inspires and helps me.
Hey... what do you suppose Jesus would have done with the gossiping situation last night?
Gossip
Tonight I had my interview for the management position. The woman interviewing me told me outright that it was clear I had all of the skills they were looking for. (It's not like we're talking about rocket science here, though.)
So everybody was whispering to each other and glancing in my direction. I was warned that there are those who will be jealous and upset because I got promoted so quickly and got promoted ahead of them. I just shrugged my shoulders. Really, what is there to say to that? Besides, I'm use to that kind of crap. Another manager came to me to warn me that once everything is official, one of the other managers (the one who tries to get rides from me and keeps me late) is going to try to push me out. She said that a number of other new managers have quit because of this woman.
I said "Thanks for the warning."
Then a group of them started gossiping about this manager. I don't like the woman's tactics, but I'm not about to stand around slagging her behind her back, either. It's one thing for me to gripe about things here on this blog where no one knows who this woman is; It's quite another to say rotten things in order to be a part of the group.
I actually tried defending her. It didn't work so well, so I just changed the subject... but no one wanted to talk about another subject. I tried another one. Nope... They wanted to talk about somebody, not something. So I commented about how one particular staff was such a good worker. No takers on that one, either. I guess that saying something positive isn't juicy enough.
I really dislike that sort of thing. I've been the victim of gossip and it can be very painful. I don't want to do that to somebody else.
Better get to bed. It's getting close to 4am and I have to get up soon to work the day job.
God, please give me strength and wisdom.
So everybody was whispering to each other and glancing in my direction. I was warned that there are those who will be jealous and upset because I got promoted so quickly and got promoted ahead of them. I just shrugged my shoulders. Really, what is there to say to that? Besides, I'm use to that kind of crap. Another manager came to me to warn me that once everything is official, one of the other managers (the one who tries to get rides from me and keeps me late) is going to try to push me out. She said that a number of other new managers have quit because of this woman.
I said "Thanks for the warning."
Then a group of them started gossiping about this manager. I don't like the woman's tactics, but I'm not about to stand around slagging her behind her back, either. It's one thing for me to gripe about things here on this blog where no one knows who this woman is; It's quite another to say rotten things in order to be a part of the group.
I actually tried defending her. It didn't work so well, so I just changed the subject... but no one wanted to talk about another subject. I tried another one. Nope... They wanted to talk about somebody, not something. So I commented about how one particular staff was such a good worker. No takers on that one, either. I guess that saying something positive isn't juicy enough.
I really dislike that sort of thing. I've been the victim of gossip and it can be very painful. I don't want to do that to somebody else.
Better get to bed. It's getting close to 4am and I have to get up soon to work the day job.
God, please give me strength and wisdom.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A Bottle Of Wine
I've been having trouble with my sleep patterns - or lack thereof. I'm exhausted, yet even on nights when I don't have to work all night, my body has decided that it needs to stay awake that late anyway. But then I fall asleep at my desk during the day. Not good.
My doctor gave me a couple of sleeping pills. A couple isn't going to cut it but I wouldn't want to take more than a couple anyway because I'm worried about becoming dependent on them. Actually, I don't want to take any sleeping pills because of the side effects. They stay in your body for a long time and I don't need a drug hangover.
I've worked shifts in the past and have done okay with it, but this is different because I'm not merely working shifts; I'm working night shift AND day shift. The body and brain are NOT liking this.
I talked to some friends who work shifts to see what kinds of problems they face and what solutions work for them. More than one has recommended a glass of wine. I don't have any theological problems with having a glass of wine, but I am concerned about alcohol's depressant effect. The last thing I need to do is knock myself into a clinical depression. Been there, done that, never doing it again.
The doctor says a glass or two of wine is okay. My friend brought me a bottle of wine.
Tonight I thought I'd give it a shot (pun intended).
I had a glass of wine.
Nothing.
Not tired. Not feeling it.
Is there alcohol in this?
I had another glass. (For those of you who don't know, not only do I not drink, but one of my nicknames in University was "Half-beer Laurie")
I'm feeling relaxed for a change, but is it the wine or the fact that I'm not actually doing any work?
I waited for the effects of the alcohol to make me sleepy.
Nope. Nothing, save for a warm feeling in my face.
I had another glass.
Um... This isn't working out.
I'm feeling like I want to turn this music up.
Who can I phone?
No... It's too late to be phoning anyone.
I want a bag of chips. Okay, I'm going to die if I don't have a bag of chips right now.
No - I'm on a strict budget. Besides, it's not like I can be driving anywhere anyway.
Okay... I felt kinda good for about ten minutes, but still not sleepy. Wasn't this supposed to make me sleepy?
I'm feeling a little dizzy. My head kinda hurts and my stomach isn't liking this. But still not sleepy.
Well, if three glasses didn't work, a fourth is not going to do me any good. This didn't work so well.
People actually do this to themselves on purpose. hmmm....
Really I should have known better... I think so, anyway. Remind me to tell you my two NyQuil stories - one where I got an award and the other when the OPP confined me to the law library in the Crown Attorney's office.
Nope. I won't be trying this again. Gotta find something that works, though.
My doctor gave me a couple of sleeping pills. A couple isn't going to cut it but I wouldn't want to take more than a couple anyway because I'm worried about becoming dependent on them. Actually, I don't want to take any sleeping pills because of the side effects. They stay in your body for a long time and I don't need a drug hangover.
I've worked shifts in the past and have done okay with it, but this is different because I'm not merely working shifts; I'm working night shift AND day shift. The body and brain are NOT liking this.
I talked to some friends who work shifts to see what kinds of problems they face and what solutions work for them. More than one has recommended a glass of wine. I don't have any theological problems with having a glass of wine, but I am concerned about alcohol's depressant effect. The last thing I need to do is knock myself into a clinical depression. Been there, done that, never doing it again.
The doctor says a glass or two of wine is okay. My friend brought me a bottle of wine.
Tonight I thought I'd give it a shot (pun intended).
I had a glass of wine.
Nothing.
Not tired. Not feeling it.
Is there alcohol in this?
I had another glass. (For those of you who don't know, not only do I not drink, but one of my nicknames in University was "Half-beer Laurie")
I'm feeling relaxed for a change, but is it the wine or the fact that I'm not actually doing any work?
I waited for the effects of the alcohol to make me sleepy.
Nope. Nothing, save for a warm feeling in my face.
I had another glass.
Um... This isn't working out.
I'm feeling like I want to turn this music up.
Who can I phone?
No... It's too late to be phoning anyone.
I want a bag of chips. Okay, I'm going to die if I don't have a bag of chips right now.
No - I'm on a strict budget. Besides, it's not like I can be driving anywhere anyway.
Okay... I felt kinda good for about ten minutes, but still not sleepy. Wasn't this supposed to make me sleepy?
I'm feeling a little dizzy. My head kinda hurts and my stomach isn't liking this. But still not sleepy.
Well, if three glasses didn't work, a fourth is not going to do me any good. This didn't work so well.
People actually do this to themselves on purpose. hmmm....
Really I should have known better... I think so, anyway. Remind me to tell you my two NyQuil stories - one where I got an award and the other when the OPP confined me to the law library in the Crown Attorney's office.
Nope. I won't be trying this again. Gotta find something that works, though.
Take That, Naysayers!
I decided to phone the bank instead of going in there. It's harder to unintentionally intimidate people over the phone and then if I wanted to roll my eyes or something, they wouldn't be able to see it.
So the guy at the bank I was talking to said, "Well, that's strange"
What I was thinking: It's more than strange; It's idiotic!
What I actually said: "yes."
Then he said: "Well why did they do that?"
What I was thinking: How in the heck would I know?! Whaddya mean by even asking me that?!
What I actually said: "Gee... I don't know."
It went on...
Eventually the situation was fixed. My mortgage did bounce but they agreed to fix that with the mortgage company.
I went and celebrated by having Timmie's coffee with a friend.
Someone from my church left an envelope for me. It contained $50! I was really surprised because hardly anyone knows about what's going on. The only people at church who know what's going on are the Pastors and Spike (the husband of one of the pastors).
My son is now living with me - very cramped conditions for him. This is tough on him, but he's making some healthy and thoughtful decisions.
My interview for that promotion is tomorrow.
The snow melted and all the doggie mess has been revealed. Gross! Gotta get that cleaned up today.
Thinking about specific plans. What I'm doing isn't working well enough - time to do some fine tuning.
The house financing went through. As soon as the cheque clears I'll be able to consolidate most of my debt. This will save me a thousand dollars a month! That's huge.
I'm still not pulling in what I need to meet basic needs and obligations... but I'm not giving up.
I want to take these positives and shove them in the faces of people who told me to give up, those who told me it was impossible, those who said that what I'm doing is stupid, those who say that God can't or won't help... Saying such things to someone whose faith is shaken, who is struggling just to survive, who wants to hope but doesn't really (more like hoping to hope..)... saying such things was demoralizing and discouraging rather than helpful.
And guess what! I'm still here! I'm still in my home and I still have my animals in spite of how impossible it is! I take no credit for that, by the way. This was impossible for me. But nothing is impossible for God and He DID the impossible.
Take that, naysayers! HA!
I still have a very long, long way to go. But God has brought me this far and He will be with me until the end and longer.
This doesn't mean I'm not scared or stressed or weary; I am. It does mean that God is stronger than all of the forces and circumstances that would come to bear against me.
And thank you to those who have been and continue to be a part of this journey.
So the guy at the bank I was talking to said, "Well, that's strange"
What I was thinking: It's more than strange; It's idiotic!
What I actually said: "yes."
Then he said: "Well why did they do that?"
What I was thinking: How in the heck would I know?! Whaddya mean by even asking me that?!
What I actually said: "Gee... I don't know."
It went on...
Eventually the situation was fixed. My mortgage did bounce but they agreed to fix that with the mortgage company.
I went and celebrated by having Timmie's coffee with a friend.
Someone from my church left an envelope for me. It contained $50! I was really surprised because hardly anyone knows about what's going on. The only people at church who know what's going on are the Pastors and Spike (the husband of one of the pastors).
My son is now living with me - very cramped conditions for him. This is tough on him, but he's making some healthy and thoughtful decisions.
My interview for that promotion is tomorrow.
The snow melted and all the doggie mess has been revealed. Gross! Gotta get that cleaned up today.
Thinking about specific plans. What I'm doing isn't working well enough - time to do some fine tuning.
The house financing went through. As soon as the cheque clears I'll be able to consolidate most of my debt. This will save me a thousand dollars a month! That's huge.
I'm still not pulling in what I need to meet basic needs and obligations... but I'm not giving up.
I want to take these positives and shove them in the faces of people who told me to give up, those who told me it was impossible, those who said that what I'm doing is stupid, those who say that God can't or won't help... Saying such things to someone whose faith is shaken, who is struggling just to survive, who wants to hope but doesn't really (more like hoping to hope..)... saying such things was demoralizing and discouraging rather than helpful.
And guess what! I'm still here! I'm still in my home and I still have my animals in spite of how impossible it is! I take no credit for that, by the way. This was impossible for me. But nothing is impossible for God and He DID the impossible.
Take that, naysayers! HA!
I still have a very long, long way to go. But God has brought me this far and He will be with me until the end and longer.
This doesn't mean I'm not scared or stressed or weary; I am. It does mean that God is stronger than all of the forces and circumstances that would come to bear against me.
And thank you to those who have been and continue to be a part of this journey.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Fifty-Seven-Thousand!
I just went to my online banking to make sure my mortgage payment went through okay. What I found shocked me and I'm steamed.
Someone at the bank put FIFTY-SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on hold! I don't even HAVE that kind of money! That means I have ZERO dollars for the mortgage or anything else! Even if I magically came up with a ton of money, I'd have to deposit more than fifty-seven thousand dollars in order to get above that hold mark to pay for anything! What the #$%?!!!
Why is it that one can work and work and try and try, yet someone else can create such a mess of things?! I've worked hard to get the money for that mortgage payment. I've worked hard and been diligent to ensure my credit rating is good. The person who made this mistake will not suffer a bounced mortgage or a black mark on their credit!
There will be no sleep for me tonight. Then again my blood pressure is through the roof at the moment....
God, help me to refrain from doing anything terribly stupid at the bank in the morning! God, please don't let my mortgage have bounced.
Someone at the bank put FIFTY-SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on hold! I don't even HAVE that kind of money! That means I have ZERO dollars for the mortgage or anything else! Even if I magically came up with a ton of money, I'd have to deposit more than fifty-seven thousand dollars in order to get above that hold mark to pay for anything! What the #$%?!!!
Why is it that one can work and work and try and try, yet someone else can create such a mess of things?! I've worked hard to get the money for that mortgage payment. I've worked hard and been diligent to ensure my credit rating is good. The person who made this mistake will not suffer a bounced mortgage or a black mark on their credit!
There will be no sleep for me tonight. Then again my blood pressure is through the roof at the moment....
God, help me to refrain from doing anything terribly stupid at the bank in the morning! God, please don't let my mortgage have bounced.
Your Own First?
In a previous post (Tumbling Down), I wrote that I'd given away so much that I had put myself in the position of not being able to help myself and my boy. That same night, I decided to read from Proverbs. I read verse after verse of how it's important to give to people in need, which showed me that my thinking earlier in the night had been erroneous to a point.
So now I'm thinking that giving money is like helping people with their work. I'll explain.
At the restaurant (or anywhere I work) I work very hard. I generally get all of my work done plus do a number of tasks that are the jobs of others. I'm like this at any job. My attitude is that if something needs doing, then it should be done and I'm not going to stand around deciding whether or not to do it based on the notion of whose job it is. (Of course if it's something that I'm not qualified to do or for some other reason ought not to do, then it's different). I find that, regardless of the job, things run more smoothly and morale is better if everyone pitches in and does as much as they can.
I've also learned through the years that if I take care of someone else's responsibility before I take care of my own, I'll be left working late because I still have to do my own work and no one is going to help me with that no matter how much I help others. The solution to that is to do my own stuff and then help everyone else regardless of how much others try to pressure me to take care of their stuff before my own. (If I don't take care of my own responsibilities I can't stand around blaming someone else - That's why it's called responsibility and why it's assigned or designated.)
So I think it's similar with money (or services that really translate into money). There's a balance to be found and misplaced guilt or feeling sorry for people has no place in the equation. So not only is it okay to give things away, whether it be money, material or service, it's also good to give it. The part that's a bit tricky is that balance part. I should take care of my own needs and then give.
Does that sound right? I don't recall the Bible saying that anywhere, though. hmmm....
The other consideration is the definition of "need". What I think is need (as differentiated from want) is quite different from what most people I know think of as "need". My version is much less than others in North America. If you asked a kid on the street in Bangladesh about need, he or she would also have a very different answer.
*****
Side note: Remember how I told you about my friend who showed up at my house with all the fruits and vegetables? Well, if you'd asked me, I would have told you I didn't "need" that stuff, that I could live on oatmeal, that I still had meatballs in the fridge that my friend gave me. As it turns out, I was getting sick (just common cold kind of sick) but didn't know it yet. It also turns out that my other friend who had given me all those casseroles had wanted to do another one but was unable (I didn't know any of that, either, but wasn't expecting anything anyway). I know that having those fruits and vegetables shortened the duration and intensity of the cold, that the cold wasn't able to really grab onto me. Interesting how that happened just in time, eh. :)
So now I'm thinking that giving money is like helping people with their work. I'll explain.
At the restaurant (or anywhere I work) I work very hard. I generally get all of my work done plus do a number of tasks that are the jobs of others. I'm like this at any job. My attitude is that if something needs doing, then it should be done and I'm not going to stand around deciding whether or not to do it based on the notion of whose job it is. (Of course if it's something that I'm not qualified to do or for some other reason ought not to do, then it's different). I find that, regardless of the job, things run more smoothly and morale is better if everyone pitches in and does as much as they can.
I've also learned through the years that if I take care of someone else's responsibility before I take care of my own, I'll be left working late because I still have to do my own work and no one is going to help me with that no matter how much I help others. The solution to that is to do my own stuff and then help everyone else regardless of how much others try to pressure me to take care of their stuff before my own. (If I don't take care of my own responsibilities I can't stand around blaming someone else - That's why it's called responsibility and why it's assigned or designated.)
So I think it's similar with money (or services that really translate into money). There's a balance to be found and misplaced guilt or feeling sorry for people has no place in the equation. So not only is it okay to give things away, whether it be money, material or service, it's also good to give it. The part that's a bit tricky is that balance part. I should take care of my own needs and then give.
Does that sound right? I don't recall the Bible saying that anywhere, though. hmmm....
The other consideration is the definition of "need". What I think is need (as differentiated from want) is quite different from what most people I know think of as "need". My version is much less than others in North America. If you asked a kid on the street in Bangladesh about need, he or she would also have a very different answer.
*****
Side note: Remember how I told you about my friend who showed up at my house with all the fruits and vegetables? Well, if you'd asked me, I would have told you I didn't "need" that stuff, that I could live on oatmeal, that I still had meatballs in the fridge that my friend gave me. As it turns out, I was getting sick (just common cold kind of sick) but didn't know it yet. It also turns out that my other friend who had given me all those casseroles had wanted to do another one but was unable (I didn't know any of that, either, but wasn't expecting anything anyway). I know that having those fruits and vegetables shortened the duration and intensity of the cold, that the cold wasn't able to really grab onto me. Interesting how that happened just in time, eh. :)
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