Nervous

If anyone gets to this post this morning, prayers would be very helpful.

I've got to testify today and the lawyer on the other side has already said he will be cross-examining me vigorously. He's already playing dirty pool. He told another lawyer that the reason I'm doing this case is because I'm dating the lawyer. Well that's simply not true! I'm not dating the lawyer and who the lawyer is has nothing to do with why I took this case.

So, he's going to make it personal. He's going to attack me personally in public, on the record.

The only thing I have right now is a faith that God will take care of things regardless of what happens today. I pray for His will. I pray that this man doesn't hurt me badly, that this boy who is in jail gets a fair hearing, that I reflect Christ in my answers and demeanor.

God help me today.

Enough

I quit the night job. I still have to work both jobs for the next two weeks.

I've learned that my limit for severe sleep deprivation, overwork and loneliness is seven months.

Now I'm worse off than when I started and I'm not well on top of it.

.

Dread

Picked up a new case last night.  This is a huge opportunity and may well be the breakthrough I need.

But it requires time and a lot of my energy.

I'm happy to give that.  I don't know how much I have to give, though because this night job is sucking the life out of me.  Not to mention the lack of time.

I want to cry.

Every single day, I dread going in to the night job.  I'm tired from the day job and know I still have to go put in another full workday at a place I hate doing a job I despise, every day feeling the negative effects on my physical and mental health.

I can't go to church.  I can't see my family.  I have trouble making plans to do anything with anybody, so people just stop bothering to try - and I completely understand (I've stopped trying, too, for the most part).  My house is a mess, and I still can't pay the bills.

What's the point?

I want so much to simply not show up tonight.  To heck with them.

The problem is that the "them" are real human beings who would have a really tough time if I didn't show up.  I can't do it to them.

But I'm getting to my breaking point.

I just cannot keep on like this.

God, please lift me out of this mess.  I can't do any more.  My body cannot take anymore.

I need out of that night job and I need clients who can and do pay for the services provided them.

Prayers would be appreciated.

Wave Jumping....

.... and I need a babysitter


Had an errand to run near Simcoe Ont. today.  The only way I know to get there is to drive near the water (Lake Erie).

I love the water.

I love the beach.

Even looking at it makes me feel happy.

Okay, so I have this errand to run and it's very very hot, but at least I get to look at the lake.

Well.

I saw the lake and HAD to go down there.

When I got there I HAD to park the car and walk to the water.

Well...

I got so excited I HAD to go into the water.

It was warm and the waves were high.

In the trunk of my car I carry beach supplies for just such an occasion.  Now I know you're thinking it's really that I never clean my car and the supplies are there from the last trip to the beach... :)  I ran back to the car and got my little floaty thing.  I think it's called a swimming board or a flutter board, but I call it a floaty thing.

I digress.

Back into the water.  Oh yeah!

Gotta jump over each wave.

Gotta see how far out you can go and still touch bottom.

Gotta relish every sight, sound, smell and sensation.

Gotta run toward the next wave.

Woohoo!  I'm a fish!

no, wait... I'm a turtle!

no... I'm a frog!

no.... I'm not even doggie paddling here.

You see, I love the water but I can't swim.

Okay, so I'm no fish but I'm in the water at the beach!  Yaaaaaay!

I was grinning and laughing like a little kid.  

Jumping over and into waves, playing in the water.

A grown woman all by herself.

But who cares!  I'm at the BEACH, man!  Yes!

Paddle out to the next wave, and the next.

Oooh... here comes a big one ... haha!

I can't touch bottom any more, but it's okay 'cause I have my floaty thing.

Suddenly I notice it's quiet except for the waves.

I look around.

I'm waaay out there.  The people are far away.  I've gone past the boardwalk and the lighthouse.  There's a commercial fishing boat within paddling distance.

oops.

There would be big fish out here.

Would they bite me?

Naw.

Heyyyy.... I'm swimmin' with the big fish.

Okay, better go back.

Hey... wonder how long it would take to get to shore if I didn't paddle or kick?  Where would the waves take me?

I got back to shore only to turn around and do it again (only this time I didn't go so far out)

and again

and my fingers and toes went all wrinkly like prunes

and there is sand everywhere

and I got a bit of a burn (after I recently told someone I don't burn -ha!)

and I scraped my leg on the bottom of the lake  (decided to try to jump UNDER the waves for a while to see what would happen)

I bought a hotdog, which was stupidly expensive - but I did buy it.

And it was all wonderful.



.

Outside

Didn't get to go out and play today.

But I'm going to try tomorrow.

I like outside.

In honour of going outside, here's a little video from Mr. Pregnant about going outside:

Inside

Having trouble staying inside the office.

I want to go out and play.

4am

4am

so tired

gotta get up soon

endless work-weeks

doing everything i can think of

why does it work for other people but not me?

Jumpy and Mad

Was stressed today.

The events of last night and the things he said kept going through my mind.  I was jumpy.  I was upset, angry, nervous.

He said he thought it was unfair that I'd asked the police to tell him to go away.  I told him it's because he wasn't listening to me tell him.

He argued that by saying I wasn't telling him the truth about my feelings, that I wasn't being clear enough.

Last night I didn't argue because he was tense and I know he could have killed me very quickly or hurt me very badly had he decided to do so.  I wasn't going to get into a pissing contest with a control freak who doesn't want to understand anyway.

So I kept thinking about that and I'm angry that he could have the gall to say that like he believes it.  My "no" started out as a polite, gentle one, then got more firm, then became absolute and strong before I ever called the police.

Okay, okay... maybe this guy with two degrees who is senior management in government is too stupid to figure out that "leave me alone", "stop calling me", "stop driving by here", "you are scaring me", "I don't want to talk to you", and "stay the f**k away from me you f**king freak!" means that maybe I don't really want to talk to him.

But when the police come to his door and tell him he'll be charged if he keeps it up....  well, shouldn't that be a clue right there?

Or how about when, after he continued and he was arrested, and immediately upon getting released with bail conditions, he shows up at my best friend's house - and my friend tells him to stop.  That's a clue, right?

Or when his boss, his friend, his sister and a therapist all told him to stay away from me (he repeatedly called anyway) - isn't that "no"?

But it's all my fault.  I wasn't clear enough.  None of those things are clear enough.

Oh, and the only reason he came pounding on my door one of the times I called 911 was because he'd heard I was seeing someone else and he was just coming to tell me that he would leave me alone.

I suppose he was so eager to reassure me that it's the reason he had to pound the crap outta my door and try the handle in the middle of the night.

And it really was all innocent - so that's why he ran when the police sirens got close - 'cause he was doing nothing wrong.

So my "no" wasn't good enough on it's own?  It's only when some other male owns me that "no" means anything?  Oopps... yeah - I forgot.  I'm not a human being.

Oh, I'm spittin' mad.

Conversation With A Stalker

As you know, a particular man has been stalking me for six years.  I've worked hard to keep myself safe.  The courts failed me - actually made matters worse - so I've had to rely on myself.

I went to great lengths to change the appearance of the house so it looked like someone other than me was living here.

I stopped going to all of my favorite places.

I've developed the habit of peeking out the window before I leave the house, to make sure he's not out there watching.

I shred all documents and am very careful about what goes in my garbage.

I stopped sitting out on the porch at night which is something I use to enjoy.

I stopped rollerblading and jogging.

I cut off contact with a whole lot of people.

I've got my windows frosted so no one can see in.  

I do not use my living room or dining room after dark.

The list goes on and on.

Tonight I let my guard down.

I was out front working on the lawn.

Guess who showed up.

Yep.  

The stalker.

Scared me half out of my wits.

Luckily for me my training kicked in at about the same time my adrenaline shot through my body, making it hard to think or even breathe.

He approached me and said hello.

It's amazing how fast your brain can scan and size up a whole lot of information.

I believed he was not there for me - not there to kill me.

I did something I would never recommend to anyone else, but because I was able to size up the situation myself, I said hello back.

He started talking to me.  He was being polite, cautiously friendly.

You know, when the body kicks into high gear and you've got all those chemicals surging through you, your heart rate is up, your blood racing to your major muscle groups, and all the other physiological things that occur to help you survive, but you don't do anything with it, don't run, don't fight... and that stuff has nowhere to go, it actually hurts.

I had a conversation with him.

He still doesn't understand what the big problem is, why I had to call the police on him so many times....

But he's decided not to kill me.

Time will tell if this incident was a good thing or a bad thing.

If something happens to me, if I have an accident, go missing, end up dead, somebody please show the police this post.  They already have his name and the history on file.

Not Asking For Happiness

By the end of the day workday (before I started the night job) I was feeling pretty tired and had had enough of people.  I recognized that I was feeling crusty enough that any flaws I saw in others would be magnified - by my own mind.  Not fair to others, so I thought I'd pray about it.

Funny, though... I didn't ask God to change my mood.  I didn't ask for extra energy or less fatigue.  I didn't ask for happiness.

It didn't occur to me to ask for those things.

I asked that He would allow me to see people through His eyes.

I do believe He gave me what I asked for.

Immediately, every person I saw became a real individual - not a nameless face driving a car or grumbling to themselves or whatever.  It wasn't like I could read their minds or anything... but like I could see through.

Then there was something else... something further, deeper.

And there was feeling accompanying this... I don't know how to describe it.

And what I saw wasn't necessarily good, either.

It was very powerful.  God has done this for me before.

My mood changed.  We all know that happens when we're not focussed on only ourselves.

And tonight there was a breakthrough with the Wayward Manager.  I give all the credit to God.

The Weight

The event last night went well. There weren't as many people as I wanted to see out, but it was still a good showing and the security aspect of things went well, too.

I met a man there who told me he was once a Christian. We talked for a while and he said that the breaking point for him was when he loved Jesus with all that he had. He loved Christ so much that he wanted to be just like Him. His aspiration was to love people the way Christ loved people. He wanted to strive and dedicate his life to becoming as much like Christ as he possibly could.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Well, some people told him he shouldn't try to be like Christ because he was doomed to failure. They felt it was very wrong for him to even try.

The man was so confused and disheartened by this... and it was the last straw on the pile of straws of judgments, rules and discouragements.

So, the man decided that he couldn't help but believe in God, that he believes wholeheartedly in God, but he refuses to define God by any specific religion. Of course, this leads to more judgment heaped on him.

I've found myself praying for this man over and over. My heart feels sad and heavy for him.

People can overcome much adversity and pass many tests, but so many of these people are also crushed under the weight of the judgments of others.

... sad and unnecessary I think.

Fake Nails, People and a Bug

Life has been busy and the time is just zooming by. When I'm not working I'm either trying to sleep or doing housework or trying to get some work done outside. Being outside seems to be good for my mental health.

Haven't heard anything back re that job I applied for, but I didn't expect to hear back this soon anyway.

We have a big event on Thursday night. I'm the M.C. and of course I woke up this morning with a gigantic zit on my chin.

How is this fair?

Really...

Zits AND wrinkles?! What's that! Sheesh!

I had to re-cert on my first aid and CPR this weekend. Even at the end there were a number of people there who I wouldn't want within ten feet of me if I had a papercut.

While I was there I looked around at everyone and thought that I really love people. I prayed for God's blessing on each one of them.

Yes, I love people.

While I was there I looked around and thought that a lot of those people were so annoying that I wanted to yell at them to shut up.

Yes, people drive me crazy and I think I'm anti-social.

Upon further reflection I realized that none of them meant any harm. I think most people don't have evil or malice in their hearts when they do things that end up hurting others. Being stupid, ignorant, tactless, and making mistakes is not the same thing as intending harm or not caring about whether or not you're harming someone.

At least this is what I want to think, anyway.

I was stressing because I need a camera for this event on Thursday and I really should have a camera for work since we frequently need one. I figured I'd have to buy one and put it on my credit card; I'm trying to avoid using credit.

While rummaging through a closet looking for something else I came upon a stack of "reward dollars" for the camera store. Serendipitous. There was enough there that I got a new camera for forty bucks (which I still had to put on the credit card).

So tonight I went camera crazy, taking pictures of everything. As soon as I find time to figure out how the software works, I'll upload and post some new pics of the doggies and some other things.

I've been eating strawberries from my garden. Even considering what's lost to bugs (I don't use any chemicals) and other critters (racoons I think; I find strawberries all over the place in the mornings), I've had plenty. I'm grateful for that.

I'm allergic to the green part of the strawberry but not the fruit itself. So picking them and hulling them causes hives... but eating them causes happiness. :)

I've decided that the term "girl crazy" should be a real diagnosis. My son has a girlfriend. It seems that when he has a girlfriend his brains fall out and he forgets he has a life he's supposed to lead. *sigh*

Since my once lovely nails have mutated into these jagged things that sit on some old woman's hands which have been magically attached to my wrists for some strange reason, I thought I'd look at the possibility of artificial nails just for this event Thursday. I explored, looked, discussed and got professional advice. I looked at the fake nails and they look.... well... fake. I'm told they are beautiful and that they will make my hands look great, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I know lots of women wear them, but... I dunno... I just wouldn't feel comfortable and I know it.

****

Hey... You know what just happened?

I was sitting here, just about to say something immensely profound.. really! (smirk)... when I saw a spider crawling on the floor next to my desk.

I stood on the desk, eyes riveted on the arachnid monster, contemplating what to do. I leapt about three feet, hoping I could jump further than my diminutive opponent.

Yep... made it.

Race upstairs... gotta hurry or I'll lose him and then I won't be able to go downstairs again...

Grabbed the "Spider Blaster" bug spray... race back downstairs

and...

*gasp*

he's gone!

So, I hunted... using a broken baseboard (about 4 ft long) to move things.

Once the monster was revealed I took aim...

and blast!

He ran.

I blasted again.

I had to watch him die. Not that I like that, but I couldn't lose sight of him again and risk having him come back.

Then I used a big old rag to pick him up (can't use something as flimsy as toilet paper, you know).

As a preventative measure, I decided to spray the windowsill so his buddies wouldn't try to come in here, too.

Forgot the window was open.

The wind blew the spider blaster back in my face.

There. .... I got my aerobic exercise and killed a monster all in one night.

Yep - kinda like "Ernest Kills a Bug"

Peonies and Dogs

Here it is almost 3am and I don't need to be up but I am. I've learned that on the first night I have off from the night job, my body doesn't believe it's allowed to rest. It's not until the second night that I can get sleep - no matter how tired I am. Lately the restaurant has scheduled me so that I never get two nights off in a row, which means I do not get even one night sleep.

Every day I want to quit.

Was sick all day today, so that's not helping my productivity. Still feeling sick tonight.

On a different note, though, I'm happy the warm weather is here.

The peonies in my yard bloomed and, because I can't be out there to enjoy them, I cut them and brought them inside. They have filled a large vase and provide a burst of beauty and fragrance in here.

I keep sniffing them. I keep touching them. They are so soft. Who else but God could come up with something like a peony! I look at all the little details in the leaves, the stems, the petals, the pistols and stamens. Even something as simple as a plant is really something.

I look at my dogs like that. I watch them and appreciate every small detail. Nita has one crooked tooth in her lower jaw. I know every hair (or so it seems), every bit of colouring, their eyelashes and whiskers, the tufts of fur between the pads of their paws. I watch them breathe and think about the life that God has breathed into them.

Isn't it something? Isn't it special? I think all of these things are amazing. Who but God could even imagine something like a dog and then create it - and create each one differently.

And there's nothing like being greeted by wagging tails! I see them watching me through the window as I come up the driveway. They run to the back door to greet me. It's unconditional love (or maybe they merely recognize I'm the one who feeds them, but if that's the case please just let me have my illusion).

*****

When I see the back or side of a man's neck, I think of my son. Weird, isn't it.

I was wondering why that was and realized it's because for years I've looked at my son the same way I look at dogs and peonies and grass and everything else living. But, you see, I can't stare at him and examine him while he's watching me 'cause it would feel uncomfortable for him. So, I look at him when he's not looking, which means I'm often looking at him from the side or back, thus seeing the side or back of his neck as part of that perspective.

That boy drives me crazy in so many ways, but I love him fiercely.

Us mothers are strange creatures, but it was probably important to the survival of humans, just as most maternal behaviours of other animals is important to the survival of those species.

There's a dead bumble bee on my windowsill. He's been there for a couple of days and is deteriorating. I haven't thrown him out because I want to examine him. But I don't know anyone with a microscope. Maybe that's a good thing.... I'd be playing with the darned thing all of the time (the microscope, not the bee).

Well... there's my rambling for the night. I'm going to take an anti-nausea pill and hopefully my bed won't feel like the Queen Mary or the Titanic.

The Point In Talking

I've been sinking back into my shell.

More and more lately I've been keeping my feelings locked away tightly. I've become quiet again like I use to be.

I've been thinking, "What's the point in talking? There is no benefit to anyone therefore no point."

Oh, I'm "nice" enough and all, but not letting pieces of me out because I figure no one cares all that much anyway and it really doesn't make any difference.

I've also been wondering what the point is in trying. I've worked so hard and here I am in the same financial position as I started in. Some people do awful things and yet get rewarded while some of us try our best and get knocked down again and again.

Last night I was asking God why my best still wasn't good enough for Him. Yes, no one is good enough, but Christ came to fix that. So I was feeling like the rejected daughter again. I was never good enough for my own parents on earth so how could I think I could be good enough for God.

Feeling myself sinking into depression.... the urge to give up is powerful.... yet somewhere in here I know that I must make a choice, that I can choose to fight back. I don't know how, so I flail like a naked baby bird falling from its nest.

I noticed something I had in my dining room. It's the bible passage that says that if we ask for anything in Christ's name, the Father will do it.

I thought, "really? Is that true?"

I asked myself, "What do I believe?"

So I said a prayer. It was a weak prayer. Weak because I don't have much to put into anything. Weak because I keep getting knocked down anyway and I wonder what's the point in getting up.

So I said the prayer and nothing happened. I tried different ways to cope today. I thought about trying to reach out to someone and talk. But what's the point in talking?

This job opportunity I spoke of is a process that would take a year or more and I don't have that kind of time.

My son lost his job (not his fault, long story) and got into another car accident (this kid is a lousy driver, I think).

So, my weak little prayer went up in the midst of all the crap. Little me said something and who am I? There are earthquakes and floods and starvation and corruption going on and I'm sending up my weak little prayer in Christ's name.

That was this afternoon.

At five o'clock my friend stopped by. I haven't seen him in ages. I was glad for that. Even people like me get lonely, but it's not like I've had a lot of time to do anything about it and it's not like I saw any point in trying anyway.

My friend told me about another job opportunity. I wouldn't have to give up my calling and I would make FOUR TIMES the money I'm making at the restaurant.

That would solve a lot of problems. I also wouldn't have to work hours quite as crazy as what I'm doing now. That would mean opportunity to get to church at least sometimes and opportunity to see other human beings socially at least sometimes.

I'm going to apply tomorrow morning.

It occurred to me that I had prayed and both a friend and an opportunity literally knocked on my door.

So what's the point in talking? To tell what God has done. To say once again that Christ's name is the right one.

The Giant Bird

If you read my last post, this one will make more sense.... at least I think it makes sense. :)

I dreamt that I opened the back door to let the dog out and was startled to see a giant bird standing at the door. It was the same bird that was killed yesterday. I felt a little afraid, but mostly sad and sorry for this giant bird at my door. The giant bird was carrying a suitcase.

The bird said, "I've come to stay."

I said, "Okay." But then I thought I shouldn't, so I said, "I'm sorry. You can't stay."

The bird stood there with his suitcase, expectantly waiting for me to let him in and give him permission to stay.

I said, "I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I feel terrible, but that does not mean you can move in here. You have to go where you belong now."

Then the bird went away.


When I awoke, I realized that I was not mad at the puppy at all; I was mad at me. I was upset with myself for not watching the puppy closely enough, for not paying attention to the warning squawks of the birds earlier, and for not being able to help or comfort the dying creature. I had projected that onto the puppy. It's not that I couldn't look at the puppy; It's that I couldn't look at myself.

The size of the bird in the dream was about my sadness over many things and the bird represents those things. Lately I've been stuffing a lot of feelings down in order to get through my days. I cannot afford the time to cry.

The bird wanted to move in. I had to tell him that he could not. That was a life decision, a cognitive processing decision, a spiritual decision and it was sad to tell the bird to go away. Still it was the right thing to do.

Okay... I'm probably making no sense to anyone, but it does make sense to me at least. :)

The Bird

For the first time ever, I'm actually upset with the puppy.

These dogs have gotten into things, wrecked things, and created all sorts of chaos and some interesting situations.

When one of the dogs ate my $200 shoes that I hadn't even had a chance to wear once, I was briefly upset - I mean very brief, like a few minutes.

When they get into things and I have to clean it up, I'm upset for only seconds if I get upset at all. Mostly I just laugh at them.

Today I heard birds outside going crazy. I know it's a little odd, but I can recognize some of the different messages that the birds are conveying. No, no, not like Doctor Doolittle and nothing complex, but there's a kind of chirp they do when they're calling to a mate, a chirp that means the sun is setting soon and everyone flies back to their homes (I think that's where they're going, anyway), and a chirp that signals danger to other birds. The squirrels also send out a danger signal and the birds seem to pay attention to that, too.

Anyway, I heard that frantic chirping that signals danger. I looked outside and saw the puppy sniffing at something. There were birds swooping about around the puppy. I knew that the puppy was close to a baby or an egg.

As fast as I could, I ran outside. I saw a spot of red in the grass.

No, oh, no.

Then I saw it. A bloodied bird.

I felt horrible.

I put the dog in the house and went to see if the bird was alive or dead. It was alive. I didn't touch it. I went back into the house and waited because the other birds were still swooping around.

The bird wasn't getting up, so I thought I'd go see if I could help it. We've nursed birds back to health before - even ones where we were told there was no hope.

There was no way. It was really bad.

He was alive and alert despite the mortal injury. I thought I should euthanize him, but I didn't know how I would do it in a way that would be painless.

I wanted to hold him so he wouldn't be alone as he died, but that would scare him rather than comfort him. So I partially covered him to keep him warm (at least he wouldn't die feeling cold on top of everything, right?) Then I left him alone.

The birds around squawked for a long time.

I really was upset. I even cried.

Yeah, I know it's dumb to cry for a bird.

I thought about how God says not even a sparrow will fall without His permission. (Is it without His permission or just without His knowledge?) I was thinking that if I'm feeling a kind of love and a sense of sadness for this bird, God must feel something too because He loves the birds too, I think.

So the best I could do was pray for the bird and tell myself that God really would take care of it.


I look at the puppy and all I see is what she did to that bird. I know that animals do these things. I know it's natural. Still, I'm upset. So how crazy is that!

Snippets

Psycho-guy quit work. He's gone into hiding because some bad drug-dealing dudes are after him. Rough stuff for him, but the fact that he quit is good news for a lot of other people.

The Wayward Manager is doing her best to make my time at work miserable. Sometimes it works, but mostly it doesn't.

God and the dogs and cats are keeping me sane.

I got my raise, which is good. But here's the rub - I'm still in exactly the same financial position I was in when I started this except now I'm working two jobs instead of one. The difference is that I don't have people in my house, which is good, but I don't have that income.

Requesting prayer: I want to apply for a different job. The process is onerous and the chance slim that I'll get it, but it would solve a lot of issues and I do think that prayer works and that what I'm going for is in line with what God wants from me.

Doctor's visit: The doc says my knee is healing okay. Another 4 weeks before it will feel better, but at least it's coming along. Also, I found out that I'm not getting nearly enough calcium. I was quite surprised at how short my diet falls.

Outside: I so enjoy being outside in the warm weather, even if I can only be out for short periods of time.

I managed to plant some beans. Normally, I would dig up the whole garden one day, prepare the soil the next day and then plant on the third day. The thing is I don't have a whole day. I haven't had a day off since... February? Anyway, I dug up and prepared a small section of garden and planted 8 bean plants. Hopefully I'll get time to plant some other things soon.

Was attacked by a raspberry plant. I survived the adventure and was reminded of it again at bedtime. Every time I laid my head down, it hurt. I kept looking at the pillow to see what in the heck was on it that was hurting my head.

Nothing.

Figured out that I had raspberry burrs in my hair.

Maybe that's why my mother made me brush my hair before bed. I never understood that... why brush your hair before bed? It's like putting on lipstick before bed. *shrug* Oh, well. :)

Too tired to think...

I should try to get some sleep. I have a meeting with a new client for the day job tomorrow and have to work at the night job as well. Then I might have court Thursday morning, then the night job... you know how it goes.

I have to change something but I don't know what and I don't know if I'd know how.

I Don't Dance

The Wayward Manager gave me a hard time again all night tonight. It's become obvious that she feels threatened and wants to push me out. The only threat to her is herself.

One of the big bosses came to me to ask me a question. It wasn't a big deal. I answered the question and went back to what I was doing. The Wayward Manager pulled me aside and demanded to know what he'd asked me and what I'd said, word for word. Then she wanted to know if I was sure that's all he'd asked and that was all I'd said.

I wanted to tell her the sky was falling. Sheesh.

Another manager pulled me aside and told me that she is saying good things to the boss about me. She wants me to team up with her to help push the Wayward Manager out of there.

I just listened.

I'm not about to get into pushing anyone anywhere. Of course I won't be quiet if I see abuses or crime, but I'm not going to play games.

Yeah, yeah, I know... I know there's a dance, I know one should know how to do the dance, blah, blah...

My answer is this: I don't dance.

Even For Me?

Tonight I had a cheeseburger loaded with vegetables (okay... and a few slices of bacon... mmmmm), a salad and an iced tea. Really I should have milk, but something about drinking milk with eating beef makes my stomach upset. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. :)

Psycho guy had a bit of a blow up. He has mini blow-ups all of the time, but this one was a little worse. This time he started yelling and swearing at a manager.

The Wayward Manager gave me a rough time tonight. I just shrugged it off, though. Really it's about her, not about me, so there's no point in getting upset and playing into her drama.

There is going to be an investigation. Apparently the Wayward Manager lost a significant amount of money. This is an example of why she should have been following procedure. It's a big deal.

There was a discussion tonight about security. I made it quite clear to the staff that I would not be budging off of protocol when it comes to security and, that no matter who argued with me or how much they hated me, I wasn't going to allow their safety to be compromised on my watch.

I expected the usual grumbling and excuse-making, but that didn't happen. Most of them just got quiet. A couple of them came to me and confided that they did not feel safe and were glad that I was interested in looking after their safety.

Someone commented that I could lose my job as manager if one of the staff got hurt. I told them that losing my job would be the last thing on my mind and that I would feel horrible if anything happened to any one of them.

One young fellow came to me and said, "For real you would feel bad?"

me: "Yes! Absolutely!"

him: "Even if it was me... even for me?"

Suddenly this young man who towered over me was a small and vulnerable little boy.

I looked straight into his eyes and said, "Yes, if it was you. Yes, for you."

I wanted to pick him up and hug him. Of course, I didn't because that would be inappropriate, not to mention totally creep him out. Besides, I don't think I could've lifted him anyway.

Funny... In my mind, heart and soul, that I would feel for someone who suffered (especially someone for whom I was responsible), is a given, obvious. For this young man it wasn't a given that I'd feel for him specifically. A lot of us do that with Jesus.

Even for me, Lord?

Yes, for you.

Free Food, Politics and Rambling

Two nights in a row I've received free meals from the restaurant. I didn't know that becoming manager came with the perk of a 100% discount off of my meal. Wow! I've decided to stay away from the pop and fries, but there's lots of stuff there that is actually healthy (or at least not heart attack and diabetes on a plate). This means I am guaranteed at least one good meal a day as long as I work there.

Quite frustrated tonight... Since I started the night job I've noticed that their security is terrible. They don't even follow their own rules re security. I remarked about this on several occasions.

Then I put it in writing and gave it to the boss. I wrote what I noticed, what the policy is, the fact that the policy is good, and that it's not being followed. I expressed my concern and was specific. Then I asked if perhaps there was some great reason why these things weren't happening as they should and I just didn't know about the great reason.

The boss came to me, told me I was right, said that these things should not be happening and that she would deal with them.

They continue to happen.

I refuse to break the rules about security and the staff get really upset with me because sometimes it's inconvenient. I explained to them why I'm following the rules. A lot of them understand it. One manager remarked that she'd actually never really thought about it before. (Some of these infractions are VERY serious). Some of the staff do the same thing that drives me crazy at the day job, which is that they take the attitude of "It will never happen here".

Tonight I was trying to enforce a very important security rule and the staff decided they didn't have to listen to me because the Wayward Manager was present and she always lets them ignore the rule. I looked to the Wayward Manager for support and received none - in front of everyone.

I actually don't give a crap what they think of me; I do care that they follow those protocols so that serious harm does not befall them.

*sigh*

I have court tomorrow again. Awful case (you can read about it tomorrow on the work blog). Someone had the gall to tell me that if a prostitute gets raped that it's pretty much her own fault and that she deserves it. I was so angry that I couldn't even speak. Imagine that - me not talking! It's not that I had nothing to say; I had plenty to say. I just knew there was no point. I will however address the issue - and publicly. Someone else made a comment on the other blog (I haven't published that comment yet) that is also victim blaming garbage. It's just a matter of when I have time (and the energy to put together a coherent train of thought) to address it.

Been following the news re the FLDS compound in Texas. Prayers for those children and those who have been brainwashed (I use the term "brainwashed" very loosely).

Been finding that too much coffee bothers my stomach. I don't understand this. I use to be able to drink gallons of it, but cannot anymore. Three cups a day and I switch to decaffeinated tea. Probably better for me anyway.

Haven't had a chance to be outside. I miss outside.

Love my dogs. Every minute with them is a gift. :)

Had salad (free!) two days in a row. Have started taking multivitamins. Do they really do any good?

Better go to bed. 5:30 am comes awfully fast.

Home Early

The Wayward Manager let me go home early tonight, so I can actually blog while I have my work uniform in the washer.

I've had no time.

People think that I make good use of my time because I'm always multi-tasking, don't idle, and work so many hours. I think that time is making use of me and not the other way around.

Injured my knee at work. It should be okay, but there's all sorts of paperwork to fill out and required doctor's visits.... like I have time for that.

All the tenants are gone from my house, but I'm still left with the damage. Now I don't have the rental income any more, but at least it's quiet here for a change.

The day job is going okay, except that I keep falling asleep at my desk - very bad.

I don't know how much longer my body will take this.

I feel fortunate to have really good friends, friends who don't get all upset with me because I don't have time for anything.

Thoughts of Carey (aka what's-his-name) are haunting me.

I'm still not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, which is writing. I'm doing it a little bit.

I'm bad for putting things off. "I'll have time tomorrow", I think. But tomorrow came and went and now I don't have time.

While trying to get my two hours sleep I had awful chest pains. It was bad enough that it scared me and I thought I'd better call for help, call 911. But I couldn't get up.

So I lay there thinking, "Is this how it ends? My boy will find me in the morning. What will happen to him? Someone will have to sort through all of my belongings. Who will take care of the dogs? Wonder what my pastors will say about me at my funeral. I didn't even get where I wanted to go...."

Obviously, everything was fine. I woke up a few hours later.

I must write this book, this one I was supposed to write two years ago and put off. But now how will I do it? With what time? Where am I going to get the money to live?

I complained to the boss again about getting out of work so late.

Psycho-guy is ticked off at me because I wouldn't let him into the back of the store when he wasn't scheduled. He's also mad because I refused to take care of that cat any longer. tick, tick, tick....

Well... I'm rambling. In spite of the fact I'm home early, I'm still very tired.

Nothing Like It

My heart was beating too quickly; It was uncomfortable. The adrenaline surges kept coming.

Stress.

A physical response to stress.

I thought, "What am I thinking that is causing this?"

I thought, "Part of my brain is telling me to hurry up and get things done. Part of my brain is thinking that I won't be able to meet the mortgage payment in two weeks. Part of my brain is thinking a lot of different things - all legitimate but still all worrisome."

I thought, "What can I do about these things right now?"

The answer - nothing.

I thought, "Then I have to do something about this physical response. Simply not worrying is not a realistic solution. If I do something productive I can release some of this negative energy and get my brain focussed on something else."

Oh, but my body is so tired and sore. I have to be careful to use what little energy I have for work.

I glanced down and saw the puppy curled up at my feet.

Why am I not paying attention to my surroundings?

I thought, "I'm going to give this puppy my attention. She needs it and so do I."

I got right down beside her and pet her. I snuggled with her. I looked at her, noticing every detail about her, every little marking, muscle, whisker and eyelash. I thanked God for His creation. I thanked God for this little soul. I thanked God for that moment with her.

There's nothing in the world like snuggling with a puppy.

There's nothing in the world like snuggling with this particular puppy.

There's nothing in the world like taking a big breath of fresh air (even if it makes me sneeze after).

There's nothing in the world like that purple flower that's decided to take root in the middle of my vegetable garden and it's contrast of colour against the brown deadness of winter... it's symbolization of hope for sunnier times ahead.

There's nothing in the world like the chatter of your child - no matter what age.

There's nothing in the world like fresh clean sheets.

There's nothing in the world like a hot shower when your body is tired and grimey.

There's nothing in the world like a sunny day.

There's nothing in the world like a rainy day - especially when you are inside and appreciative of being warm and dry and home.

The list goes on and on....

Thank you, God for all of these things. Thank You for creating our brains in such a way that we have a choice to live in the moment or not, that we have memory so we can remember other good moments, other good things that You have given.

So, my tired and achy body is still giving me a stress response, but it's not as extreme. Still, I'm working through it. Still I recognize and experience much for which I am grateful.

Boring is fine by me

Give enough rope....

People are starting to see that all is not as it seems with the psychopath. I haven't been saying much, just watching and being cautious. He's stealing and people are catching on. He's scamming - food, rides, attention, money "loans" - and people are starting to catch on. They are starting to talk to each other. The only thing I say to them is to be careful. Of course, they are not worried; They all know how to deal with people. Yeah - just like they all knew how not to get scammed.

tick, tick, tick....

I talked to the boss about security. There are lots of ways in which the staff are causing us to be a soft target for criminals. Security protocols aren't being followed. The staff know why the procedures are there, but they, like so many, believe nothing bad will ever happen to them. I try to explain, but I'm just paranoid and jaded.

The Wayward Manager is trying out some new games. They are not working so well for her, but she doesn't seem to have noticed that yet. It's too bad because she has a lot of potential; She has lots going for her and it gets buried in ego.

The other manager is trying to protect me. I've never asked for this protection, the alliance, but I sure do appreciate it.

So I've lost my rental income and the second job wasn't enough even with the rental income...

This is frustrating.

Still, I feel great joy when I am with my dogs.

Another unexpected positive - pretty soon I will get my raise that goes with the promotion. I was told that the pay rate was $1.25 above minimum wage. I found out last night that they will be giving me $2.25 above minimum wage. That's a big difference. That's still not nearly enough for me to pay the bills, but it's a whole dollar an hour more than what I expected.

Last night the boss told me, "You are my example. You are going to lead the other managers by the way you do things."

Nice compliment - Kinda scary, though. Yes I want to do a top notch job anyway; When other people put that kind of faith in me it ups the ante in my mind.

Hopeful things going on with the day job stuff. But I've been here before. I'm not going to get too excited about anything until I see actual results.

Depending on who is working Saturday night (therefore what time we close), I might just get to go to church this Sunday. We will see about that, too. But I don't have to work on Sunday for a change.

Really there's nothing exciting going on here. I think that's a good thing, though. Boring frees one up to be able to think about important stuff - like dogs and spring flowers.

Sleep!

I got sleep on Friday night AND Saturday night! I worked day-shift on the second job, so I still had to get up at 5:30 am but at least I got to sleep two whole nights.

Wow!

After the first sleep, I felt better but still tired. After the second sleep, surprisingly, I REALLY did not want to go to work. I wanted to quit!

Strange reaction, don't you think?

I'm guessing that some part of my brain is saying "Why do this? Now you remember what it feels like to get a night's sleep. Why torture yourself again?"

Or maybe it's because having sleep contributes to a person's ability to be rational. And what rational person wants to do what I've been doing? Plus, being so sleep-deprived for so long... well, you sort of walk around like a zombie, just doing whatever is expected. Work here, do this task, then on to the next...

No, I didn't quit my job.

The male tenant was supposed to pick up his stuff yesterday. Two hours after he was supposed to show up, he called to say it would be another hour. Then it was going to be another two hours. I told him I was going to bed before that. I suggested that he come, load up the truck, and then if where he was keeping his things wasn't yet available, at least he would have it all loaded up and out of here. I told him to talk to his friend about it and call me back. I expected to hear back from him fairly shortly after that.

Nope.

I had just drifted off to sleep when the phone started ringing and ringing. No way I was getting up to have an argument with someone who obviously doesn't pay attention to anything I say anyway. I'd have become stressed and not got the sleep - and I think I deserve a decent night's sleep at this point.

Oh, by the way... this cold, mean, unreasonable person that I supposedly am, was awarded "Employee of the Month".

Yeah, I know, it's a dumb little thing. But still, I don't think they would have given me that if I was so horrible.

In spite of two nights sleep, I'm still awfully tired.

Updates

Updates...

The male tenant is gone but his cat and his stuff are still here. He showed up here to find the locks had been changed and he rang the doorbell for an hour and kept banging on my kitchen window. He ended up punching the house a few times before he left. He also sent my son some crass sexually oriented messages about me. My son kept telling me to let the guy in and just talk to him in order to stop the escalation.

Well, given that I'd already repeatedly tried the talking to him route, that I wasn't going to give the guy what he wanted whether I opened the door or not, and given the kinds of messages he was texting to my son about me, the guy's attitude of doing whatever he wants regardless of anything I say, the incessant bell ringing and the angry punching the house, I believed that opening the door would have done nothing to de-escalate the situation and would simply reward his bad behaviour thereby reinforcing that behaviour. The guy knows how to phone me, write a letter, call the police if he truly feels he's right. Instead he chose an angry forceful route, communicating with physicality rather than words or reason. No. I knew better than to open the door.

I won't get into the full explanation about all that; You get the general idea.

The neighbour was sneaking around on the far side of my driveway two days ago. I went out to see if there was something wrong. It turns out he saw my son's car and thought it was the male tenant and was coming to check on me and was ready for a physical confrontation with this guy.

I thought that was exceptionally good of him to do that, to even think to do that. How many people would willingly put themselves in harm's way for a neighbour?

There are four people who think I did the right thing by changing the locks - my two pastors, my neighbour, and me. It seems that everyone else thinks I'm cold-hearted, cruel, mean, unfair, unreasonable.

I do not care. (Well, okay, yes it bugs me, but it's not going to change what I've decided to do here.)

People at work are asking about it. Very loudly, so as many people as possible could overhear (but without being actually disruptive or anything), I said that no matter what I did or didn't do somebody would think it's wrong; People criticize me for letting people get away with too much, but then when I say 'enough', 'no', they criticize me and say I'm mean or cold or unreasonable.

It's so easy to judge, isn't it.... so easy to criticize.

My son told me that I have changed. He said that there was a time when nothing upset me, when I never got upset or excited about anything. People use to use the word, "unflappable" to describe me. For the past couple of years I've been very different from that. I did not like hearing this from my boy, but he's right. I am exploring the reasons why, how, and making some conscious choices about where I'm going mentally and emotionally and how I'm going to get there.

One of the things Pastor R said to me was, "If it was some other lady saying this stuff [about the tenant situation] you'd be all over it!"

He was absolutely right.

I wrote to a friend of mine who has been in law enforcement for many years and who is also a volunteer firefighter. I asked him if he protects and advocates for himself as much or as strongly as he does for other people. His answer was that he does not and neither do so many other protectors. He also said that the worst ones, the ones who protect themselves the least, are the Christians.

Wow. Lots of implications there.

Then he said something else. He said that Christ said to love others as you love yourself. Jesus did NOT say love others instead of yourself.

Pastor R also pointed out that when Jesus was on the cross, the thief on one side of Him wanted help and received it. That thief went to paradise.

The other thief didn't want any help. So what did Jesus do? He didn't give it! He didn't say, 'oh please listen to me'. He let the guy make the choice. He let that guy go to hell.

I think that's powerful stuff. Lots of implications there, too, aren't there.

Back to work - I've been looking forward to this management position and hoping that the scheduling and less physically demanding work would allow me to go to church on Sundays (without having meltdowns in the pastor's office). They want me to work days every Sunday. I told them again that I really want to be able to go to church. The boss agreed (again), so we'll see what happens.

The psychopath continues to be passive-aggressive (and sometimes just aggressive) at work. He has hit me with brooms, handled scrub brushes and a squeegee. Of course it's all accidental, he says.

An accident is when you bump into someone; It's not accidental when you aim, then hit someone several times in rapid succession.

I've warned the managers and the senior boss about the guy. I've said I do not feel safe with him. I've said that they have to watch him and have to watch out for vulnerable staff. The guy is a ticking bomb and I've told them this. Whether they listen is another matter.

More is going to happen with all of this. I'm just glad that it is now much less likely to be happening in my own home.

tick, tick, tick, tick......

Enough

don't even know what to say...

Too much has happened and I'm just so tired... and sick of all this.

Called Pastor R yesterday and he was a big help.

Thinking about lots of things - situations, people, right and wrong, trying to hear God's voice but can't always, looking at what's wrong with me, what I need to change about me.

How long can one tread water in the waves?

Tired of a lot of things.

It's enough already.

I've had enough.

Never Going In There Again!

People at the night job think I'm this hugely strong, and even tough, person. My son adds to that perception by telling them stories about people being afraid of me. (That makes me laugh. I'm not a mean person, really!)

Their perception was strengthened when I took on the Wayward Manager. The perception was strengthened when I met with the senior boss expecting change (they are all afraid to do such a thing). I find that interesting since these are not all the result of "toughness" but action borne of other values and beliefs.

It was strengthened once again with an incident a couple of weeks ago. Some men came into the store just before close. They were eyeballing the cash register, the staff, the layout and the doors. They made a phone call and shortly thereafter there was a car sitting right at the door with the engine running - unusual in the first place, but more unusual because it was there for so long and the men seemed to have been communicating through the window with the driver.

They were really eyeballing us. I had a bad, creepy feeling about it. I know from experience and training to never ignore a bad creepy feeling. I thought about it and decided there were enough facts to take some minor action.

I went to the manager and pretty much ordered her to remove the cash drawer from the register and lock it in the office - right now. I don't know why, exactly, but she immediately complied without question.

About five minutes later another group of men came to the door, which was locked by that time. The men inside got up to go let them in.

The staff stood watching, finally curious and nervous. (I hadn't said anything to them.)

I went out and stood between the men and the door and told them they weren't letting anyone in.

They looked at me as though they were sizing me up, reading me. They decided to go sit down. They left shortly after and I made a point of being there to ensure they didn't let anyone in. They got into the car that had been running and it rolled away.

Afterwards, the other staff admitted they were afraid.

And so they think I have great courage (I don't think that what I did was courageous; It's not like anyone had a gun to me or anything).

So last night I was in the back room. We had received a big order of stock and it was also closing time. I noticed something moving across the floor.

It was a big, huge, humongous, mammoth, spider!!

Black, hairy, fast.

I screamed like a girl.

I did a little dance-on-the-spot whilst screaming like said girl.

The Wicked Step-sister came running. "What's going on?!"

Still dancing on the spot, unable to speak because my breath was taken up by a silent scream, I pointed to the monster.

Oh, she relished this situation!

She went and stood near the thing, watching it. She said, "Oh, he's a big one."

The manager came back to see what was happening. She sees me dancing on the spot and looks thoroughly confused.

She sees the spider.

Looks back at me (am now dancing on my tip-toes and not breathing).

A grin spread across her face.

She doesn't like the behemoth either, but wasn't gonna let me know that.

I screeched, "Well kill it for Pete's sake, kill it!"

Well, that was it. Now the manager couldn't breathe either - because she was laughing so hard! She was doubled over in laughter.

The Wicked Step-sister saved the day by stomping on the spider.

I was all grossed out. That's funny, too. I can see human brains on the road, horrific crime scenes and not bat an eye, but bug guts make my stomach turn over. What is that?!

They figured the monster came from the fruit or vegetable crates that were delivered and that it had ventured out of the walk-in fridge.

I said, "I'm never going into that walk-in again!"

They laughed.

I said, "I mean it! I'm asserting my right not to engage in unsafe work!" (I was joking at that point. Safe now, since Boris the spider was dead)

The manager doubled over in laughter again.

There's a scene in the movie "Sleepy Hollow" (Johnny Depp) where the guy comes to face the headless horseman and is crazily brave. But he sees a spider in his room and reacts with great fear. My son loves this scene and says that character is like me.

Day of Miscellaneous

My friend made me another pot of stew. Isn't that awesome?!

I was telling a woman about this, about the stew and the casseroles and how it was all done (often how a thing is given is more important than what is given), and this woman, an unbeliever, started crying! She was that moved that someone who is not a relative would do that for someone else. So it was a chance to quietly and unobtrusively point to an example of Christ's love.

What a cold world.

When something good is shocking and violence is normal....

I guess we need to really appreciate and hang on to all the gems we are blessed with, given that we can receive so many lumps of coal or fool's gold so often.

I had court today. Serial rapist case. Ugly, horrific... and he's out walking around in the community. I wrote about it on the work blog. Well... wrote what I could, anyway. There's a publication ban on almost everything.

He sat down directly behind me in court. I sat there thinking about the fact that I had a serial rapist sitting directly behind me - so close I could feel his breath on the back of my head. I could smell him. I thought about the victims smelling him. After a rape it's like you can't get the smell of the rapist off of you no matter what you do. It's a big thing that victims experience but you don't hear about it often.

I saw what's-his-name in the courthouse hallway. (He's a lawyer, for those of you who don't know already) He didn't see me.

To me, he is the most attractive looking man I've ever seen in my life. That doesn't make this whole thing any easier, that's for sure! So of course, all of that hurt was triggered again - like I needed that.

After court I got to my car to find I had a parking ticket! $35!!!!

Where do those parking enforcement guys hide?!

You can't be even a second late for the meter. It's like they have some way of knowing from their little dens that someone's meter is going to expire in exactly the number of seconds it takes for the enforcement guy to get from his lair to his prey - i.e. my car!

I got some sleep last night. Yay!

Talked to my ex-husband on the phone tonight. He called to wish me a happy belated birthday. The conversation was the usual. It was okay, I guess. I'm actually going to have lunch with him tomorrow.

I went to the grocery store and, as a belated birthday gift to myself, splurged. I probably shouldn't have, especially considering I am calculating the cost of a slice of bread and literally saving pennies in an attempt to pay some bills. But I thought, "what the heck... I didn't get a cake or a gift and I've been working my butt off; I can give myself a little something, right?"

So I bought a can of pears (cheaper than fresh ones - do canned pears have any nutritional value? Does it still count as a serving of fruit?). I also bought a bag of blueberry bagels, some juice, and some cheese. That was an extravagant thing for me to do. But now, between that stuff and the stew, and my son giving me 3 bananas, I actually have some stuff in the house. So that feels good.

You know... I've lost 21 pounds since January.

I adore my dogs. They keep me sane.

My friends keep me sane, too. The woman who made the stew sent me an email in which one sentence read "Happy freakin birthday!!" I laughed so hard the dogs came running in to see what was going on.

And my son, who is struggling himself, gave me half of his bananas that he can't afford either. I didn't ask for those (I wouldn't); He just decided I probably needed it, so he did it. Nice boy, he is.

Wonder when spring will really come.

Moments

I'm very tired, so I don't know if what I say will make much sense...

Lately I've had moments where I've thought about moments. Life is comprised of these and although at any given moment I might feel a certain way or think a certain thing or be in a certain environment, etcetera, I'm still the same person.

Mostly.

I'm not talking about defining moments - just the ones we all have every day.

Yes, there's something to living in the present, and I can be pretty good at that, but there's more. There's being aware of life in the present.

I said I feel like my life is flying by before my eyes and that's true. But it's also true that I am still living my life - as long as I am aware of the moments (as in the experience rather than the time), I am living. Moments and experiences and circumstances and things come and go, but I remain - still alive and living.

I AM (referring to God now) lives. What I see and experience is a miniscule micro version of the Great I Am and how He is and works.

If one human being can have such a rich experience, can have so many thoughts and feelings and complexities... and there are billions of human beings when you count all those who live, have lived, and will live.... and humans are specks, each a mere breath of God, then why do we try to simplify God and say He is this way or that way? ... just a thought on a tangent here....

Last night I said something to my son in a terse tone of voice. What I said was okay; It was my tone I didn't like. I recognized it immediately and immediately apologized and looked at myself to figure out what was going on. It was then that I had to admit that I was hurting about what's-his-name and bottling it up. If I'd tried to blame my son for my tone or mood I wouldn't have seen the unresolved issue I had, a sort of log in my eye.

And there are other moments. Like this morning.

All I have to do is look at my dogs and they wag their tails. I look at the cats and they start purring. I don't even have to touch them, just look at them and they are happy. Ganyahde (the puppy) is particularly funny. I just look at her and she rolls over onto her back, paws in the air, tail wagging.

How can I not smile at that?

And if I remain wrapped up in my own crap, I would miss that. Oh, I would see it, but would not experience it.

So I'm grateful for the animals. They truly are gifts.

And I'm grateful that God has created us in such a way that we can be aware of such moments, aware of our experience, aware of our awareness. It is in that way that we can experience life more richly. No amount of money in the world could give me that.

Are some of the moments I've experienced recently messages from God or are they merely moments of experience?

Remember how I was saying recently that I've had the sense that spring is coming in a non-literal sense? How I said I felt like I'd taken a step out of a dark place?

I wonder if that is somehow connected with that whole experience of fresh flowers and rain (remember that?). If it is, then it means there is something to hope for, something bigger than I know about. I don't know.

I look at all the houses on my street, think about all the houses in the city, in the country, in the world. In each of those places there are people experiencing a moment right now. If you add up all of those experiences, all of the "moments" that they are having in this moment, you have a whole lot of moments and see that time is not linear.

I know that this all sounds strange, but that's okay too.

Steamed Fish

I want to cry my eyes out but am not letting myself. I'm afraid that if I start, I won't stop. Besides, what good does crying do?

I should be okay.

The Wayward Manager was very nice tonight. It's only 1:20am and I am home already.

I know what's wrong, though.

Tonight at the night job we got into a conversation about different ways to cook fish. I gave them my recipe for steamed fish. It's not the first recipe I've given them. One of the women asked me why I know so many authentic Chinese recipes.

The reason is What's-his-name. I learned how to cook real Chinese food for him. I loved cooking for him and his enthusiastic appreciation encouraged me to do more and do it better.

Tonight, in answer to the question about how I know these things, I simply mentioned it was because of dating whats-his-name. They started asking all sorts of questions. I dodged the questions, but it brought up all the emotion I have been pushing aside and/or covering up with my anger.

Why does my heart still ache so? Why can I not get rid of him?

Everything reminds me of him and I push that away. I try to make new memories, new mental associations.

This attachment is still so strong in spite of everything and I hate it. I don't want to feel attached. I don't want the pain of separation. I don't want the pain of being with him.

I want to not care. I want to feel indifferent.

Why is it that I can mentally and emotionally erase so much, but not him?

I have prayed about this over and over. I have had others pray for me and with me.

I have done all the rationalization in the world.

It's all to no avail.

This morning I dreamt that I was holding our baby (the one who died). I woke up terribly distraught.

Why can I not get rid of what's-his-name?

I guess I'm still boggled by what he did. On a mental level I get it; On an emotional and spiritual level it boggles me.

No matter how much I deny it or try to hide it, it's still hurting.

Send Me a Boat

It's 7:30am and I haven't gone to bed yet - again.

The carpet cleaners came and went - The stains won't come out. That money to pay them was a lot of food, or part of a hydro bill, or part of the mortgage...

The male tenant is still mad at me for not taking in his brother.

At work, the brother would not cooperate with me which resulted in the entire staff team being held up. I said nothing. I did not complain. I knew that his behaviour would be seen by everyone, so I didn't need to whine. I just waited.

When the manager spoke to him about it several times, he finally started to sort of do what he was supposed to, but was doing things like throwing pieces of chicken at me instead of giving them to me. People noticed. I stayed quiet. If he wanted to be a jerk, he could do it all by himself.

Later, he decided to be civilized toward me. Then the manager asked if I would give him a ride home. I said no. No one understood.

A woman who was interested in renting a room here wrote to me to tell me she didn't get the student grant she needed (She was a really nice one, too.)

The boss at the night job went on vacation and forgot to submit my paperwork, meaning there will likely be another couple of weeks delay before I can start my new position.

All I do is work, it seems.

Very very tired.

Can't seem to manage this issue of finding time and the fatigue.

Love my dogs.

My company has been asked to support a book launch re a book about sexual abuse. I think I'm going to do it.

The days and weeks and months go by so quickly. I feel like my life is disappearing before my eyes. Feeling somewhat powerless.

But not giving up.

Tummy's been acting up again.

The broken-back feeling came back again tonight. It was harder to get rid of for some reason.

I miss church. I miss my friends. I miss having a life.

Feeling overwhelmed.

God, please show me how to swim or send me a boat.

Spring Coming?

It turns out that the male tenant and his brother slept in the foyer of a bank.

Apparently this is all my fault.

The brother knew that Mission Services wouldn't take him after midnight. Yet when I kicked him out of here at 11pm, he chose to go see his brother at work and tell him how awful I am rather than going to where he was assured of a place to stay for the night.

If his goal was truly to find a place to stay, he would have gone to Mission Services. But that wasn't his goal (in my opinion). His goal was to stay at MY house - to get his way. So when he came back here at 3am, it was too late for him to go to Mission Services.

This is all my fault.

The male tenant is thinking of quitting his job, leaving the woman he's having the affair with, and moving out of the city.

How does that help his brother?

So work will lose another employee, that manager will lose her boyfriend (who is providing her with some much needed emotional stuff), and this guy will be starting over somewhere else.

And it's all my fault.

The story is that I'm a cold-hearted b____h who would let a poor guy suffer and maybe die out in the cold and throw his brother out with him.

My recollection is that I threw the brother out after telling him on repeated occasions that my home was not an option for him and providing him with the phone numbers for other supports. I even checked those options myself to make sure that there really was help available for him.

My recollection is that I offered the tenant a choice. His brother goes or they both go. Not the choice he wanted; I'll concede that fact, but a choice nonetheless. He made a choice.

But somehow the results of the choices that these people have made are all my fault.

Everyone at the night job knows how horrible I am. That will only fuel the fires and provide more ammunition for the Wayward Manager who continues to ignore procedure when dealing with the cash. I'm going to tell the boss again - but am concerned that now that it's the second time I've told, it will just look like I'm complaining.

Still... in spite of everything... for a moment yesterday I felt like I had taken a step out of a dark place. I don't know why. I don't know what, if anything I did that was the actual step out of the dark place.

Could it be simply that spring is coming and the days are getting longer and there's more sunshine?

Could it be that spring is coming in a different sense, a spiritual sense?

I don't know.

That sense of stepping out of a shadow was strong and profound, but only lasted a moment.

Wonder what that was about....

A Regular Peyton Place

I'm sitting here in the wee hours of the morning feeling upset over what has just happened here.

The psychopath guy did get back in - his brother brought him in.

I spoke to the male tenant and tried to explain as nicely as I could that I had already kicked the guy out earlier and that he just can't stay here. I told him that I understood that he was in a hard position but that his brother was making choices and, if he wanted the tenant could blame me when he talked to his brother.

He said his brother really didn't have any other place to go. I told him that wasn't true and explained to him what Mission Services had to offer and that they had in fact offered the guy a bed and some additional assistance on top of that. I told him that his brother was fully aware of this but simply not using it. I also told him that his brother's problems could not be made into my problems.

I can't tell you how hard that was for me to say that.

The tenant said, "Well, he's staying here tonight."

I said, "No, he's not"

Tenant, "Yes, he is."

me, "No. If I have to, I'll call the police and you can both leave."

Tenant, "Fine, we'll both leave and I'm giving my notice."

me, "You don't have to give two months. You can be out by April 1st"

him, "Alright"

So it looks like I'm getting my house back. Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to pay for it.

And I feel sick to my stomach - as much due to this situation as any illness.

I can't let this guy put his foot down with me about allowing someone into my home whom I feel is a threat to me and my furbabies. But I still feel bad for him all the same.

Not even sure what to think or feel right now.

And to think I was entertaining thoughts of letting their mother move in here.

And, oh... I have to work with these two at the night job and the one is having an affair with one of the managers whose common-law husband has made threats against her and him, all of which will make the night job situation weird, too.

How in the heck did I get into all this with everybody else's drama?

Really, I thought I'd be flipping burgers at night - I mean how complicated should that be?

Cold Medication and a Sick Day

I'm sick, so stayed home in my pajamas.

That should mean that my day would be uneventful, right? Shouldn't it be that way?

Before I tell you about what went on here, I want to pass along some information about what my friend went through this weekend. She has been off sick and has been taking cold medication. She got a terrible headache, so took two tylenols. As far as I know, she took the medications in the proper doses.

Then things went haywire for her. Her heart rate went crazy. She had to be taken to the hospital via ambulance. The doctors tried medication to stablize her heart rate, but it didn't work. They had to use the machine with the paddles on her.

Scary stuff.

She's okay now, but what an ordeal for her!

Mine is not a cold, but queasiness, chills, aches, dizziness, etc., so cold medication is not something I'd be using right now anyway. I just mention this partly because I was shocked and concerned for my friend, and partly to pass along that caution.

I ventured downstairs to clean the carpet in the female tenant's room. I thought maybe if I worked really slowly that, bit by bit, I could make some progress.

It's stained beyond belief. It's ruined.

Two grand - for something I never got to use and that someone else destroyed.

God, I want to make enough money so I can have my house back.

Tonight at 11pm I discovered psychopath guy in my house again! The male tenant was not here.

I was pretty angry about that. I confronted him and told him to get out of my house. Again, he had the gall to argue with me! I told him I would be calling the police and that's when he agreed to leave.

But then he went on and on about how sorry he was. He's not sorry for trying to scam his way in here; He's sorry he got caught and sorry he didn't get what he wants! I said that to him.

Then I watched, probably with an incredulous expression on my face, as he stood there and actually worked to conjure up some tears. When he started crying, there were no tears, then his eyes got moist, then the moistness in the eyes went away. He said, "If you would help me just this once..."

I interrupted. You see, it's not "just this once". "Just this once" already happened. Anyway, I told him no and he got very angry. It was explosive.

I was standing there, sick and dizzy, knowing that I'm physically vulnerable.

I told him he had options but was choosing not to do anything and that he wasn't staying here. I walked away and waited.

He went to my son, trying to get my son to help him, to take his side. My son didn't argue with him, but wouldn't take his side, either. Then the guy told my son what he was going to tell me. My son told him he might want to think about that before he did it. The guy was defiant and said, "What's she gonna do, punch me in the face?"

My son calmly said, "You might want to watch what you say to her because you might not like what she says back."

I guess the guy got all macho and huffy and more intent on getting into it with me. My son shrugged his shoulders and laughed a little - kind of like, "whatever, buddy... if you want to jump off a cliff that's your problem"

The guy changed his mind about confronting me. But then he convinced my boy to give him a ride somewhere.

I think I'm going to have to tell my male tenant that the guy is not allowed here after 11pm. That really sucks because the tenant, although my son's age, is still an adult and I don't like having to treat him like a teenager by laying down such a rule.

This is really a sad thing because the tenant is a nice kid and I think he's caught between a whole lot of different forces. But I still need to know that I can go to sleep at night without worrying about who is in my house, who has access to me and my pets and my property.

I'm still up because I'm expecting that this guy is going to try to scam his way in again tonight.

I just wanted to get some rest. Just for a day. One sick day, one day to let my body try to fight whatever has besieged it.

Should have stayed home

I should have stayed home.

While I was sitting at my computer and slowly doing things around the house I felt bad, but not bad enough to call in sick. When I got to work where the physical demands are much greater, my physical state deteriorated quickly. A couple of times I was sure I was going to faint (but I didn't).

The Wayward Manager let me go one hour early. This is after I asked, after two other employees told her that she really ought to let me go, and even a customer commented in front of her that I looked terrible.

I drove the psychopath guy to his mother's. I really ought to come up with a different name for him. "Psychopath" sounds so purely evil and, even though the guy likely really is a psychopath, no one is truly pure and complete evil. He is still a human being and labelling him like that is a barrier to remembering his humanity. I just can't come up with a better name at the moment.

During the drive, he asked me if he could move into my house. I told him that he could not. I told him that other people are already interested in the room (which is true) and that if I could figure out a way not to rent out the room at all then I won't (also true), and that it can't be rented until repairs are done anyway (also true).

I suggested to him that he talk to some people about getting some help with making a plan to get off of the streets and get some help getting together a plan and some supports in a more holistic sense so that once he got off the streets he could stay off and have a real shot at getting what he wants out of life. He said he liked that idea. We'll see what, if anything, he actually does about it.

He's already got the senior boss at work mad at him because he just didn't show up for his shift.

I've got to make some notes. The Wayward Manager still isn't following proper procedure with the cash.

If I'm feeling this lousy tomorrow, I will call in sick. I don't want to, though, because I don't want to leave them short-handed. On the other hand, they don't need me giving them whatever virus I've got.

Workin' On It

So the female tenant moved out today.

Left her garbage here. I can't afford to have it removed, but it must be done.

The beautiful two-thousand dollar carpet in her room is a mess. After she broke my vacuum, she never vacuumed her room again. That's a year and a half of NEVER vacuuming a white carpet.

There are gouges in the walls - not huge, but big enough that the walls have to be repaired and re-painted.

There's a pile of black stuff all over the driveway that I will have to clean.

I'm very disappointed. I thought she was better than that.

I seriously want to be able to make enough money that I can pay the bills myself instead of relying on rental income. Then I can take in who I want here. If I want to take someone in and not charge them rent, then I can; If I want to be extremely picky about who lives here, I can be.

I use to tell people that there weren't many rules here except for common sense type things like not tampering with safety equipment and general respect and cleanliness. I didn't realize that picking up garbage and not misusing things wasn't "common sense".

I didn't need them to be grateful. I just wanted them to treat what was given to them with respect and not continually demand more and more.

I wonder if God feels that way sometimes about us.

Physically I'm not feeling so great today. I want to call in sick, but I know that I'm not really sick enough to avoid work. The real reason is that I don't want to go in and deal with that manager tonight and I do want to work on getting my house cleaned up.

I'm trying to work on my attitude here, but I'm finding it tough. I'm tired.

I'm still thinking about the stalker and that other guy who STILL won't leave me alone. Argh.

I'm going to try to just live in the moment and work on things that way - get through it moment by moment and try not to miss the good stuff.

Run-of-the-mill

Not much to say tonight.

Worked hard, feeling very tired. Gotta work the night job tomorrow night and Sunday night, but at least can sleep in tomorrow - I hope.

Turns out that the person who let the water run all over my floor is the female tenant. She saw me cleaning it up, saw the damage, but didn't say a word.

She is moving out tomorrow.

The day job is suffering - a lot. I still haven't figured out how to manage everything on two hours sleep and 7 days a week of work. My body is not liking this at all.

Still, it beats giving up.

Thank you God for my sore feet and legs from all the working and standing and running around. It means I can walk.

Thank you God for my fatigue. It means that I have enough to do.

Thank you God that I am working two jobs. It means I'm doubly employed rather than unemployed.

Thank you God for the hydro bill. It means I had electricity in my home last month.

Thank you God for the mess outside and the animal fur all over the place. It means that I have these precious four-legged companions.

Thank you God for the laundry I have to do. It means that I have clothes to wear.

Thank you God for my son's shoes at the door that I keep tripping over. It means I have him and that he is safely at home.

*****

Two managers approached me tonight to warn me. They said the Wayward Manager is out to get me now. The way the one manager phrased it is, "Now she will kill you. Be careful."

Well... if she comes after me, it will be harder for her to focus on attacking Chitra.

Freedom

Hi, everyone. :)

Long post tonight, but I think it's worth the read. (Of course I would say that, eh, given that I wrote it. :) )

I went to the night job during the day so I could get some time with the boss and hand in my written statement.

When I arrived I was surprised to see that her boss was there and his boss was there, too.

It was a little funny and a bit interesting because her boss didn't recognize me. He was giving me a look, a quizzical stare that said, "I know you but I can't figure out how I know you." I figured he didn't recognize me because I was all dressed up for the day job and he'd seen me wearing my silly little restaurant uniform with my hair stuffed up under the hat that goes with the uniform. I reminded him of the conversation we'd had before. He remembered it but was still looking at me funny.

I smiled to myself about that. I am the same person whether I'm dressed up or in a funny uniform or wearing my jeans. Yet even people who know I'm the same person sometimes respond very differently. I let that bounce around in my brain while I waited for the boss to come and see me.

Of course, the other staff saw me there talking to the boss, so there was some whispering going on. And then there were those who had to come and look, but pretend they weren't looking.

The boss wore no facial expression as she read my letter and statement.

hmmm... 'she's been here before', I thought.

She told me I did the right thing and that she wished more people would come to her with such documentation. She looked at the stack of documents I'd written and nodded her head and said, "This is excellent."

I was relieved.

She asked for my comments. I gave them, but was careful.

Before entering the building, I had taken a moment out in the parking lot to pray and ask God to help me to be fair and proper. I didn't really feel His presence during the meeting, but I did trust that He was there. It occurred to me that the fact that the other bosses happened to need to be there today anyway was a God set up.

I also told her about Chitra. I didn't tell everything, but did say enough to make it clear what kind of problem there was. I came right out and said that if she continued to schedule Chitra on the same shifts as this manager, we would lose Chitra and that would indeed be a loss.

She said she wouldn't be scheduling the two of them together anymore. I am feeling cautious relief about that.

But guess who IS going to be scheduled to work with this manager.... yep. Yours truly.

The boss said that she and her boss and his boss would deal with this manager. I know they dealt with her today.

So tonight we did work together - A lot of staff for the first several hours, but then at the end it was Chitra, The Wicked Step-Sister, The Wayward Manager, and me.

When I arrived for my shift, the manager stared icy darts at me.

I met her eyes and held the gaze, very conscious of my feelings, attitudes and facial expression. I was telling myself that neither fear nor guilt were allowed to enter my emotion, but neither were anger or defensiveness.

I got ready for my shift and punched in.

Immediately it started.

She started ordering me around. I don't care if she does that. What I did care about was that she was doing it incessantly and it was interfering with my ability to do the job I was supposed to be doing.

I thought, "Here we go."

Then I thought, "Wait... don't even think that, because you'll just be annoyed at every little part of her game. Don't play the game. Just don't play."

So I made a decision. I would do my job first and I would do everything I could to meet all of her demands without resentment or negative thought.

That is what I did.

I noticed something else, though. I noticed that she was pretty much on the warpath with everyone and they were getting frustrated and they were getting snippy with each other and with me.

I decided that I would forgive every snippy, negative, lousy thing from all of them - before they even did it. (remember the friend who came to my home who I was so rude to? She had forgiven me before I even did what I did. So I learned this from her.)

Forgiving them was very easy - especially once I could see what was really happening and understand where they were coming from. The hard part was not only to not allow myself to get sucked down or de-energized, but to keep myself up. After that, my task (self-assigned) was to try to help them emotionally. And I don't think that any of them were aware of the dynamics in the situation.

I forced myself to smile. Not a fake smile. I dug deep until I found the way of thinking, of feeling, of being, the sense of my self and the connectedness we all have with each other and God, and I was able to come out with genuine smiles for them. Genuine "please" and "thank you" and "hey, you do a good job with such-and-such" and "how are you".

That was kinda cool all by itself. But then...

Then something really cool happened.

Little by little, they got less snippy, a bit lighter, less wrapped up in their frustrations. Little by little, the smiles came. Then the laughter. Even the Wayward Manager was smiling (in between trying to stare me down).

The black cloud was starting to dissipate. (This took hours, but it was still happening)

By the way, I am NOT taking credit for this. This was God working with me; I just had to allow Him to do it (which is sometimes harder than it sounds - at least I think so anyway). I had to get myself out of my way; I had to get myself out of His way.

I continued to be kind and respectful to the Wayward Manager.

Her stares became different. She seemed confused, unsure of what to make of me in relation to her.

I observed that, thought it was interesting, and continued on.

Every time she went for Chitra, I got in the way - sometimes physically. It was obvious to both her and Chitra what I was doing, but I didn't care.

She laid off of Chitra. Chitra recognized this and got teary eyed and kept hugging me.

I think... I hope... that tonight Chitra saw and felt that she is loved.

Then something else cool happened.

I did something I didn't expect myself to do, but it just came out of me. I won't go into detail because this post is too long already, but I did something unusually nice and on a personal level for that guy - the psychopath brother (not sure if I told you, but he also just got hired where I work). Side note: I know that by telling that I did something good I take my own blessing away, but it's okay because I wasn't doing it to get a blessing anyway. Besides, I DID get an unexpected blessing from it. Cool how God multiplies these things....

That made the Wayward Manager even more confused and curious.

Finally she asked. "Why did you do that for him?"

I told her, "Because he is a human being. No matter what I think of him, he is still God's child."

That was an open door for me to explain to her that just because I dislike someone's behaviour, it doesn't mean that I dislike the person and it certainly doesn't mean that I wish anything bad for them.

That was it. That was the final piece for her to be able to look at me without strangling me with her eyes. I'm hoping that she saw that my reporting her wasn't about hatred, dislike or ill-will.

For the rest of the night I made an extra effort to show this woman that I DO care about her. I did it out of genuine care for her - not out of guilt or fear or "should's" or anything else.

That was freedom. Not just for me, but for all of us.

We got out of there on time. Unfortunately, she still asked an employee for a ride home. She's still not "getting" it, but at least she had enough within her to make some steps tonight, both as a manager and as a person.

Paul was right when he said, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

And I would say that before we struggle against these things as they impact other people, we must first struggle against them in and around ourselves. It's hard to fight when you're all bound up by your own crap.