Buying Into A Lie?

... still thinking about why it's so hard for me to take and why, when I do get something I feel like I ought to give it away....

I think they are two separate questions and may or may not be related to each other.

A commenter referred to a book on co-dependence. I've read that book and a number of others related to co-dependence and am absolutely certain that's not the issue/problem for me.

I do know that part of the issue is fear - fear of being a bad person, fear of being a bad Christian, fear of hurting others in ways that some have hurt me, fear of becoming someone I don't like.

Is it important to understand why I feel that fear? I don't know. Whether I figure out why or not, I do need to change what's happening here and now.

Another question came to mind today. That is "Have I unwittingly bought into the lie that so many people believe?" The lie I'm talking about is the "the world owes me a living" kind of thinking that allows my tenant to destroy my home and feel no remorse, that allows people to call churches ostensibly looking for baby formula (when really they want money for something else), that allows people to demand what they have no right to, that allows people to steal, cheat, lie and defraud their way through life.

You all know I have not bought into that lie for myself; I do not think the world owes me a living, that's for sure. I even have trouble asking for things that are legitimately owed to me. But that doesn't necessarily mean I haven't bought into this lie on some level. Somewhere inside, do I think that those who believe the world owes them are right? Do I think that as part of their world that I somehow owe them?

I bet that sounds weird.... but it's something I'm pondering.

Another question: Do I think I don't deserve to be okay? No, I don't think that. Do I think I deserve to struggle like this? Actually, no, I don't think that either. But it does bring up another question. If people around me are suffering, do I think it's okay for me not to suffer, too? That's different from deserving to suffer, different from not deserving to be okay. It reminds me of the old - "Don't you know there are kids starving in Africa" line. I think it's a rich variation of survivor guilt. And I think the answer is yes. So I'm going to have to think on that one some more.

If it's a form of survivor guilt, it would explain why I get so angry at those who do think the world owes them a living. (Guilt and anger are closely tied together, for those of you who didn't already know that).

hmmm....