A Letter and a Message

Well, I wrote that letter to management - very respectful but still letting them know that I need them to keep their promises re scheduling if I'm to be able to continue to do the shifts that they want. I handed the letter to the manager and she said, "What's this? Is it bad? Am I going to be upset?"

I said, "Well, I don't know how you're going to feel."

She said, "What is it about? What does it say?"

I explained it. She said that what happened shouldn't have happened that way. In as pleasant a tone as I could muster (without coming across as weak, either) I said I knew that, but that I couldn't have it happen again. She looked at her shoes and nodded.

Then she told me that the senior boss confirmed my promotion to management. There are some formalities that have to be done, such as a second interview with a corporate manager and a credit check. (Neither of those will be a problem for me.) But this will take several weeks because of illnesses and holidays.

I wondered if I should try to get that letter back, wondered if it would make the manager change her mind about the promotion. I decided that the facts are the facts and that the letter was very respectful, so I would let it stand and let the chips fall where they fall.

Later I saw her reading and re-reading the letter. Why is she reading it over and over? What's going through that head of hers? There's something more than just the letter that she's thinking about. I tiptoed away so she wouldn't see me seeing her.

Then she approached me about it. She confided in me that the reason we were kept so late those times was because the particular manager likes to stay late so she can get paid overtime. She said a number of other things about that manager, most of which had the ring of truth to them (but without actual evidence I'm not prepared to judge one way or the other). My response was to listen, and listen, and occasionally say, "I see". If this is about personality conflicts and politics, I'm not putting myself in the middle of it.

I understood then, why she was re-reading the letter. She wasn't thinking about my words so much as she was trying to decide on her words and how much she could confide in me. She didn't ask me to take a stand one way or another and I was glad for that.

Later, she told me "When you are manager you won't have to stay so late because you will do your job. When you are manager you just go ahead and let everyone go, and go ahead and leave at the right time."

She said a number of other things that started with "When you are manager..."

I'd say it looks pretty good. It means another $1.50 per hour. It means no more scrubbing public toilets. (which is probably good for the males in the public; I still haven't figured out a way to properly clean a urinal without actually touching it. haha! You should see some of the things I try! I bet a whole episode of a sitcom could be made based on that alone!)

****

What's-his-name left me a message. This guy must think I'm a dim-wit and he's a genius.

Does anyone remember the Scott Peterson trial? What's-his-name reminds me of Scott Peterson. His arrogance will be his undoing.

Anyway, the message included the line, "I understand if it's hard for you to talk to me...."

Ugh.

He meant to push a button and it worked - except it didn't work the way he wanted. This is where my training and experience with predators comes in handy. I'm going to tell you about this because it's something that I want my female friends to know about. This tactic is common yet not taught to women.

The tactic is for the predator/manipulator to toss out a very subtle insult or some other thing that he knows you are going to want to disprove. The prey naturally reacts in a way to somehow show that the statement or insult is not true or that she does not fit a stereotype. This is a normal reaction, but can have terrible consequences, depending on the goal of the manipulator.

Example: "Most women wouldn't help out a guy in need of _____" (then you give him a ride, walk somewhere with him and now you're isolated; "You're not the kind of person who would ______" (again, you give up something, give up a little control, get isolated) These are blatant examples. How obvious they appear to you depends on a number of factors.

In this case, what's-his-name is not trying to murder me, but the tactic is the same nonetheless. It's manipulation.

What's-his-name's primary message is NOT that he's being understanding; It's that I'm weak and would have a hard time talking to him. He knows that I wouldn't like to be perceived as weak. He knows that something that appears to be "understanding" or "compassionate" or "respectful" on his part will appeal to my personality. If I accused him of manipulating, he could claim that he was merely being understanding of my needs.

Nope - that's NOT what he's doing.

Here's what he wants: He wants me to say that it's not hard for me to talk to him, thereby giving him a sort of permission to continue calling and opening up two-way communication. He wants my attention and he wants to regain control over the interactions.

Here's what he got: An email from me (that I would be happy for anyone to see), stating that it is not hard for me to talk to him and not hard for me not to talk to him. I said I had no interest in hearing anything from him regardless of what he had to say because I cannot believe anything he says anyway. My attitude and tone were ho-hum-i-don't-feel-a-thing, have-a-nice-life.

Here's what I'm expecting will happen: An angry, indignant email (which I won't read but will get one of my staff to read, just in case), and then nothing. There's a slight chance he'll show up at my house to drop off some things I left at his house ages ago (it would be his way of making a statement).

Of course the other option for me would have been to continue to ignore him. That would have eventually worked, but this way will be quicker. If he had been a real stalker (he's not and a number of things indicate that he's not), my best bet would have been to completely ignore him (while having someone else track and analyze the communications).

So, if someone uses that tactic on you (salesmen actually use it a lot - maybe that's why I can't sell - I won't use the tactics), and the person is NOT a stalker, then you can respond but make sure that you don't give him the response HE wants; Give the response that's BEST FOR YOU.

If the person using such a tactic is a stalker - get professional advice from either a threat assessment professional (a real one) or someone highly skilled in forensic behavioural science (like the FBI "profilers").