Trust and a Decision

Feeling positive today. Still tired, but not dreadfully so. I didn't have to work last night. Wonder when I'll get a whole day off. Ever?

Thinking I should be where I am. I'm usually pretty focussed when I decide to be, but these last few months...

My boy showed up for prayer at the church yesterday! That meant so much to me. Now he's telling everyone about it; I have no idea what he's saying, though and he's not tellin' me. I don't want to push him lest I push him away. This is one of those times where I have to trust God. What harder thing to trust with than one's own child? But I do trust Him. So I'm stepping back and letting God take control.

Thinking about how I've been pretty much forced to do everything and anything besides what God has called me to do. It's like the enemy will throw anything in my path, dump anything on my head, to keep me from doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not even talking about minor distractions - I'm talking about survival.

So I've made a decision this morning. I'm writing it here and hoping that my friends will be brave enough to remind me I've said this if I seem to forget. The decision is that I'm going to continue to strive to do what God has called me to do - not that I've stopped, but I've been running around trying to stick my fingers in a broken dam so I don't drown and then giving whatever, if anything, I have left to pursue the main goal. Well, that's backwards in my opinion.

Yes, I know I have to survive. Some are going to call me crazy for what I'm about to do. I'm going to do what I can re the surviving and focus on the calling and let God take care of what I cannot do re surviving.

I'm not sure if it's the right decision.... If you're not surviving, how do you do anything else?

But I remember that scripture says that God clothes the flowers, so he'll clothe me. He knows every hair on my head. He has not forgotten me. No matter how bad I feel, I am not invisible to Him.

I think about this curse thing (or whatever it is/was) and it occurs to me that it has been God who has been holding me up all along; It is to Him and not hard work or other people that I owe my survival and my sanity. He has put people in my path who have helped me, who have inspired me, who have taught me, and who have loved me.

No matter what I or anyone can say about my rotten situation or the things that have happened in the past, no one, not even Satan himself, can take away the truth. The truth remains even if it is not believed. No one can take away the fact that God has indeed blessed me, even if my blessings are stolen, God still gave them to me in the first place. And, in the end God WILL win the ultimate battle, even if I win nothing.

In the end, God will have me and I will have Him. I know this because scripture says that nothing can snatch me from His hand!

In spite of the prayer I've been receiving, I still have the very strong sense (for about two years now) that the enemy is hearing every word I say and seeing everything I write. This concerns me and I don't know what to do about it.

Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I felt a sense of safety, like the enemy wasn't hearing me, like I had some emotional and spiritual privacy. That sense of safety lasted a couple of hours. Something is still dogging me. Your prayers would be appreciated.

I still hunt the wolf. I still follow God and He is my only God!

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side note: What's-his-name only called once last night. I have to laugh... He thinks he is so smart but he betrays himself by what he does and what he doesn't do and at what times he does and doesn't do things (I'm thinking that might not have made sense to you). Because of what time he called and what times he wasn't calling and in consideration of his established patterns, I know exactly where he was and what he was doing last night. It also shows that once again he's underestimated my intelligence and over-estimated his own slithery abilities.

Today is Valentine's day. Bet if he calls at all, it will be at the end of the workday and not during the evening (he'll be busy with lil'-miss-high-school). Last message he left was that he wanted to hear my voice... pfffft! Ya, right, buddy! Not for the reasons a woman might like to believe.