Hard To Give To - Part 2

Recap: Saturday I was grateful for what I do have and thinking I'd be having to eat only oatmeal soon, but was still grateful because I recognized that God is still providing for me and still holding me up. I've come to think that He even holds me up by helping me in the way I think.

Sunday: The neighbour said, "It IS the police, and nobody died!"

The neighbour helped my friend to my door. This poor woman didn't even get both feet in the door before I said, "What are you doing?! I worked all night, I have to work today and all I wanted was to sleep!"

She said she was sorry, that she wasn't going to stay. She said she had some things for me and that she knew I wouldn't want her to give me anything or do anything for me and that she struggled with it all night because it was just too hard for her to stand by and do nothing.

I know that feeling. What could I say?

Of course I let her in. There was no way I was going to reject her.

I was embarrassed about the state of my house. Housework is something I've done very little of since I've started all of this. And of course the dogs jumped all over her - these aren't tiny little dogs, either.

I told her in a tone that was... mmm... animated? excited? "My coffee maker is broken and I have no milk, so I can't even offer you a cup of coffee!" (Funny, half asleep and embarrassed I'd momentarily forgotten that I had figured out a way to make coffee).

She said it didn't matter.

She told me that she was prepared for whatever reaction I might have, and that she had brought me fresh fruits and vegetables and reimbursement for gas money ('cause I'd done something for her before) and I could be mad as I wanted but it was just TOO BAD! She was doing this and I was taking it and that's that! The tears welled up in her eyes and streaked down one cheek.

Whoah.

What have I done to my friend? How I made her struggle because I am so unaccepting of being given things.

I'm so afraid of taking too much, of taking people for granted, of taking advantage of people, that I actually take away something else from them.

Ouch.

We talked.

I'm crying as I write this. I know that feeling of helplessness when you watch someone you love go through something and you can't do anything. I know what she felt. I know that when it comes to these things I'm a real pain. I see that rejection of a gift can feel like rejection of the giver.

I wanted her to understand that she'd already given me a great gift by simply being herself and by being my friend. Friendship, somebody caring, somebody listening, somebody understanding, means more to me than all of the material things in the world. I wanted her to understand that she didn't have to do anything for me. I wanted her to understand that I didn't need her to fix things for me or give material things to me.

But I was the one who didn't understand. Maybe I didn't need for her to do this, but SHE needed her to do this. (make sense?)

Remember my friend who made me all of those casseroles and the stew? I offered to pay her. I was so concerned about taking too much, taking something for nothing, taking for granted, etc... She has a way of telling me "no" (as in she's not letting me pay her) that must be listened to. It's a very nice way, very polite, but you just know not to mess with her. haha! It did make me start to think, though about this issue of receiving. Clearly I didn't think about it enough. Clearly I still have an "issue" that is not the fault or responsibility of those who care about me.

The same woman who gave me the casseroles also made it very clear to me that I was not to take what she gave me and turn around and give it away. I finally "get" that. If I gave my sister a dollar and she turned around and gave away 50 cents, even though she needed that whole dollar, I'd be upset. Yet when someone gives me a dollar, I have this thing in my head that I SHOULD give away 50 cents. I'm not sure where this comes from, but I think it's not a right way of thinking. I don't think everyone else should give away what they have if they need it - just me. When a "rule" applies to everyone else except me, then I know it can't be correct.

My friend and I ended up having a few laughs before I had to go to work. And the ice turned to water just in time.

My friend had brought food for my pets. A lot of people forget about pets and how important they are. You know, even before things got this bad, a guy suggested to me that I get rid of my pets (and he would be happy to take my dogs for me), in order to save money. That's like asking me to give up my children. He also told me not to buy them food, but to just give them table scraps. He said farmers do it and that's how farm dogs survive. Well, first off, he's assuming that there ARE table scraps to give them in the first place, and that those table scraps don't contain anything toxic to dogs (a number of things that humans eat will kill a dog). Secondly, the dogs need proper nutrition, too. I see these animals as gifts from God. They are vulnerable and God has entrusted them to my care - I will take care of them (with His help, now I've learned). Besides, I love them like nobody's business. So that was a big deal to me that my friend remembered my furbabies.

She had brought me four grocery bags full of fresh fruit and vegetables - just when I thought I'd be having that oatmeal. The "gas money" was far more than I'd spent on gas and parking. I told her that, but knew better than to argue about it.

So God DID give me a gourmet buffet. And I have a lot to learn about receiving things, never mind doing it gracefully.

You know, that broken-back feeling has been coming back. Every time it does, I quietly say, "No, no" - not a fearful "no" - more like a command, like "get away from me". In the recent past I would not have even tried that. I would have simply accepted the pain and tried to find a way to cope. There's a difference in thinking there. I was thinking about that this morning and noticed that when pain comes, I just accept it, but that when something good comes I have trouble accepting it. I can think of some reasons for why that is, but I'm not sure I truly know the answer(s) as to why. It's become clear to me that I need to figure this out. I'm hard to give to and that causes those I love the most to suffer in ways. (This is hard for me to admit, especially because my intention has been the opposite of the result.) By being this way, am I rejecting what God Himself offers me? By so readily accepting pain and being so fearful and tentative about accepting the good stuff, am I sabotaging myself unwittingly? Is this part of that "curse" or a result of other things? Why do I think like this? How do I change it? How do I learn to accept without becoming like those who act like the world owes them a living? I don't even know where to draw the lines; I have no frame of reference for that because I've been this way for as long as I remember.

I'm not even sure where to go next in my thinking.

Comments, even tough ones, are welcome.