Slipping

Had a bit of a meltdown right at church yesterday. Some of it was a good thing, some not so good.

Funny: A couple of people told me I looked terrible, unwell. When one of them found out it was because I was tired from working two jobs (and I said I thought I smelled like french fries), she said, "Oh, that explains my craving for salt and vinegar!" Had to laugh at that one.

The not so good: So people are telling me I look terrible. Mostly I just smiled and said "I'm fine" or "I'm tired". One guy even told me "You look like an old bag lady". He was NOT joking. I believe they were just trying to express concern. The bag lady remark surprised me a bit, I have to admit. I didn't think I looked THAT bad!

The same guy told me that "You're a beautiful young lady and men are going to try to be with you even if you say no". (This is after I told him that I was not interested in being with a guy - in response to his questions about why I'm not with anyone.)

I preferred the bag lady remark over the twisted compliment.

Someone approached me with a letter written for me. The letter was about how hurt this person was that I don't spend enough time chatting and how I don't stay long enough after church. I had to sit the person down and explain that it wasn't them, that I was working a lot, etc, etc. I said I'm really tired and don't have a lot of patience these days and don't have time or energy to visit people or chat a lot. I don't know that the person understood, really.

I was doing okay up until then, but my energy was already low and that was pretty much the last of it.


The good: I was standing there during worship, questioning my faith for a number of reasons, telling myself I had no right to be there, trying to look happy, trying to stay standing (I was soooo tired). I told God that I really needed to hear from Him. I needed to hear more loudly and more clearly than I have been recently. I told Him that even though my brain was questioning His existence, I KNEW He was there. I KNOW it in my heart and my guts and bones. I've known it since I can remember, since before anyone ever told me about Him. I prayed that to Him, telling Him I knew, that I COULDN'T not believe, yet I desperately needed His help.

A few seconds later, "Spike", who was leading worship, stopped and made a comment that was really a paraphrase of Isaiah 43:2.

I gasped.

That scripture has HUGE meaning for me for a number of reasons. It's very significant.

I looked up. Spike was not looking at me, was not even looking in my direction. He was just doin' his thing.

Then he said that He felt there was someone in the congregation for whom God had a message, that God wanted the person to know He was there.... Spike described what I was feeling. I hadn't told him - haven't even talked to him for ages. I hadn't told anyone.

So God had spoken.

By the time the sermon came around, I was already back to doubting. (I feel like such a weakling admitting that) Maybe the message was for someone else. Maybe I just wanted to hear and therefore I did.

THEN, as it turns out, one of the major messages in the sermon was about remembering and about not losing your faith, that things would get hard but not to let your faith get stolen.

whoa

So I went to Spike after church because I wanted him to know that what he said was a big deal for me. (I wasn't going to tell him, and was actually on my way out but for some reason felt compelled to let him know. I think we sometimes obey God and then wonder if it was really God or just our own thoughts and it's good for people to know if they did something good like that.)

Well.... I couldn't get two words out of my mouth! I started stammering because I was trying not to cry. I did not want to cry! I don't mind crying tears of joy in front of people but when they are tears of pain or despair, I prefer to keep that out of view. Spike saw what was happening (or maybe I told him - I don't even know) and immediately said, "She's over there" - referring to his wife.

Anyway, I hid out in the Pastor's office crying my silly little eyes out and trying to explain. They were really good about it, very helpful.

I was okay again until I got into my car, and then I cried the whole way home, cried while I washed my work uniform and got ready to go to work.

Fireworks at work last night - long story, another post... Needless to say I was already pretty tired when I walked in; I was wiped at the end of the shift.

Fell asleep at my desk today. That's very bad. Even when I was awake, I got nothing accomplished. I'm getting really behind. I'm slipping here.