Is A Door Opening?

Brain's not working at the moment; neither are emotions - too tired

Just want to jot down some things so I remember for later.

- intense prayer session with both pastors on Friday

recognized that I know how to protect myself physically, emotionally (usually, somewhat anyway), mentally but have never paid attention to protecting myself spiritually. Because of what I do for a living I need to really pay attention to that.

Got a new "mantra" (for lack of a better word at the moment) - "God is my protection"

Pastor P said something related to scripture that was elucidating - She was praying about the armour of God (Ephesians 6) and mentioned that the breastplate of righteousness referred to God's righteousness and not ours. That was very helpful - means that I don't have to struggle with whether or not I'm "righteous" 'cause I know I can never be as righteous as God and I know that I only think I know about what is right (don't know if I'm making sense right now... haha). It's those kinds of struggles that keep me from fully accepting all that God offers me.

In the process of prayer and removing a curse, making sure that nothing bad is hanging around me (don't know how to explain that stuff), I got a physical sensation as if a metal rod was being pulled out of my back. Very weird stuff, but clearly felt that. I frequently feel so much pain in my back (in exactly the area where I felt that sensation of the rod coming out) that I would swear my back is broken. Last night at work, given what I was doing, I expected to feel that awful pain again. I felt (and feel) back pain, but it's nothing like the usual. It's more like one would normally expect to feel after physical work. hmmm...

Not as tired this morning as I expected. (Still very tired, but don't want to cry)

My pretending-to-be-athiest son wants the pastors to pray over him too! This is huge! Don't know where to begin on that.

After the prayer session, the mortgage broker called me and said that in spite of everything, the mortgage company is going to give me re-financing on my house so that I can consolidate debt and pay a lower interest rate. A few days ago this was impossible and suddenly it's possible.

Prospect called and asked for my resume and references.

The promotion at the restaurant seemed to have fallen through - but last night someone said they heard a rumour that it was back on the table.

Thinking about how I take my sense of responsibility too far. I think that's a good blog post for later... remind me if I forget.

Recognizing that even if I try everything, if God does not give me something it's not going to happen no matter what I do. You can plant and tend to a tree all you want, but if God doesn't want it to bear fruit, it won't. Gotta remember to write about reaping what you sow in relation to what I just said here and the concept of deserving what you get.

My friend made me another casserole - I can't even find the words for that.

Thinking about how I can reclaim my home. Wondering how I can reclaim it and still use it for God's good and/or His glory. (or maybe I've still got it wrong - maybe I should reclaim it and let Him decide how it will be used and/or how He will be glorified through it?)

Don't know what I'm feeling. Afraid to hope, afraid to believe, afraid to speak about hope and belief... But I'm still grateful for what's happened so far.