don't know what to name this post

Just spent two hours trying to get on here. Computers can be very frustrating. I need it for work and this blog is one of the few ways I can communicate or vent.

Put nail polish on my ragged stubs, you know, those things that use to be fingernails. Gonna have to take it off, but I just wanted to feel semi-human at least for a little while. It felt good, but only for a few minutes.

What's-his-name called 5x yesterday. Thankfully, I was at work and didn't have to think about whether or not to answer the phone.

I note that I'm not a victim here. There are more options available to me than only whether or not to ignore him. I'm more aware of those options, and how many there really are, than most people. Dealing with it this way is a choice that I have made.

Felt positive last night. Got off work an hour early, but it took 40 minutes to get home because of the snowstorm. I was dreading shovelling snow, but got home to discover that someone had shovelled my sidewalk and the end of my driveway. I was very grateful for that.

Was looking forward (for a change) to today. My son is going to get prayer. I was invited to a meeting so that I could view a planning report and give an opinion and it's an opportunity to build relationship. I don't work the night job tonight so was looking forward to getting some housework done (this place is in a terrible state), and making scalloped potatoes (I enjoy cooking, so that's not work for me).

In spite of this, I'm feeling down, tired, hopeless and helpless. The re-finance thing seems to have been taken away from me - see.. I hope and then *poof* - whatever I hope for, whatever I'm glad for disappears. Feeling guilty because I'm so weak in my faith.

Begging God to help me.

Feeling like the enemy wants to take away my day - the one day I've been able to look forward to.

Overwhelmed.

What's the point? I can't do what I'm supposed to do because circumstances rip away my time and energy. Isn't God supposed to win? Isn't His will supposed to be done? He called me to do a job and I gave up everything to do it and this is what's happened. I've hung on and hung on - for what?

I'm back to feeling like the liars and cheaters, abusers, thieves and the hateful and selfish get everything they want, suffer no ill consequence, while those who work and try to hang on to God suffer the consequences foisted on them by the vile.

I'm not even allowed the fruits of my own labours, never mind anything more that God might want. It's not like I don't or wouldn't share, either. Why is everyone else entitled to the benefits my hard work, but I am not?

As I write, I'm getting the sense that God is still here. I don't even know what to say to Him.

It's not like I'm looking for any gifts here; I just want to be able to do my work and have people stop trying to squeeze me for everything they can get. I want the value of my work to be recognized - People don't even really know what I do. Mostly they don't want to think about it. They don't care until the wolf is at their door ready to rip them to shreds - THEN they suddenly want help and even then, they don't want to pay for it. They'd rather have cable tv and a nice car.

Fine! Go ahead. Watch your tv and drive your nice car. Will you think it was worth it when you are injured? What good is it if you are dead or if your life as you know it is gone? When you're sued because you didn't give a crap about your employee's safety and mental health, when the bottom line was more important than human beings, no one will feel sorry for you. Telling yourself "that won't happen here" won't prevent disaster. Sticking your head in the sand leaves your butt exposed; In order to really cover your butt you've got to stand up and face facts head on.

THAT's what I REALLY want to say to people.

There... I feel a little better.

Still wish I had time to do my real work, though. And I feel better for the moment, having vented a little, but it doesn't change the fact that people are paying lip service to goodness and living profitably from doing lousy things to other people.